The Vine: May 4, 2006
Hello, Sars,
I’m 26, and married to my high-school sweetheart.We have two beautiful, wonderful children, and I love him and our family very much.The one nagging issue in our marriage is that we have polar-opposite political views.When we first started seeing each other waaaaay back when, he didn’t have particularly well-formed opinions about politics.At the time, I had been accepted to Georgetown and wanted to enter foreign service, and both domestic and international politics had always been an interest of mine.
In the years since, his political views have come into their own, and they could not be any more different from my own.It’s easy to brush off a lot of issues in a marriage, but these things are literally life-and-death, values-related issues that I think he just didn’t have an opinion on before we were married.We actaully cannot even discuss politics in our household — he gets furious and resentful, and morphs into Mr. Hateful Angry Guy, complete with cursing and vaguely apocalyptic accusations (I was recently told that I, along with people who agree with me, am “destroying America”).When he has free time to browse the Web, he spends hours reading hate-filled blogs and websites.It really appears to be an unhealthy obsession.
I know it sounds like I am giving an unbalanced view of what’s going on in our household, but I really have a pretty live-and-let-live approach to the whole thing.I respect that two intelligent, reasonable people can look at the same set of facts and reach two different conclusions, and that neither is decisively right or wrong.The arguments between us start when he queries me about something that he already knows my opinion on, and then acts all incredulous when I tell him the same thing I’ve told him in the past.
I love my husband, I love our family, and I love our life together.I want to raise our children with a consistent set of values, but I don’t want to completely subvert my own opinions and desires in order to keep the peace, and my husband will not speak of any sort of compromise.Any suggestions on how to turn this around?
Maybe We Should Just Move to Canada
Dear Geography Is Not The Problem,
It’s one thing if you have different political views, but it sounds to me like there’s something else at work here — the relatively late arrival on your husband’s part at certain beliefs; that he immerses himself in angry writing; his hostile, rude attitude towards you during these discussions.It sounds to me like you’re fine with agreeing to disagree, while he’s very much not, and I think before anything else, the two of you need to have a discussion about spousal civility, because he’s really not showing much respect for you interpersonally.
He won’t compromise; he gets all yelly; I don’t know what “hate-filled” entails, exactly, but if it’s “hate” as in hate crime…I think you have to let him know that, political beliefs aside, you do have certain expectations re: the tone he takes with you and his attitude.I can only go on what you’ve told me, and based on that, on the fight-picking and the refusing to have a polite dialogue about this stuff, this isn’t just a difference of opinion.It’s also an anger-management issue, perhaps.
I’m all for keeping the peace, but if you have to avoid an entire genus of topics so he doesn’t bitch at you, that’s a borderline situation.Try to talk to him about that, and if he’s still getting really furious and not giving you an inch, it’s probably time to insist on some counseling.He’s getting his entire identity wrapped up in this, and it’s not working for his family.
Dear Sars,
Your continual references to The Gift of Fear have got me harping on
something in my own brain, but I am afraid to buy the book and learn any
more about why I might be feeling the way I feel. And I am way too
introverted to bring this up to anyone I actually know, in person, hence the
email to you.
The thing is, I have a Creepy Uncle.Uncle Creepy has always creeped me and
my sister out.There’s always just been something “off” about him.And he
has always just made me very uncomfortable.Affectionate touches, gestures,
et cetera that from any other family member I would never think were
inappropriate cause my skin to crawl when it is Uncle Creepy.At a family
wedding a couple years ago he came up behind me and put a hand on my
shoulder and asked me to dance and I begged off, citing painful high heels
and ran to the bathroom and hyperventilated and shook and was on the verge
of tears for a good five minutes.
And I’ve never dealt with these feelings. I know I should, but I went to
therapy twice (without mentioning any of this) and I really just didn’t like
it at all.And also, I really think I would remember if this guy had messed
around with me when I was a kid.And I really only see him, like, once every
couple years. It doesn’t seem worth everything I’d have to go through if I
found out I was repressing memories of some childhood horror. So I try not
to think about it.
But lately it’s been unavoidable. I moved into my own apartment for the
first time almost a year ago, and I absolutely love it, but I find that I am
always terrified trying to fall asleep at night.I freak myself out
listening to every little sound, I scare myself silly envisioning some
prowler busting down my bedroom door in the night. It always takes me a good
half an hour of lying there stiff as a board with my heart pounding before
my mind begins to wander and I can relax and fall asleep.
And I just don’t really know what that is all about. I know loads of women
my age (mid-20s) who have their own apartments and none of them report
feeling this way to me. Some keep a bat or something near their beds “just
in case” but no one lies in terror waiting for some burglar rapist to bust
through their window each night.
Against my better judgment I dug a little deeper online and found that I
exhibit or have exhibited in the past loads of “symptoms” of people who were
affected by abuse as small children.Weight fluctuations, rampant
promiscuity, anxiety issues, anger management problems (which is why I was
in therapy, pretty much everyone I know tells me that I have a tendency to
fly WAY off the handle and lose my temper way too easily); the list goes on
and on.
I guess my question is, do I really want to know? And if I decide it’s for
the best to figure it out, how do I figure it out? Does it have to be with a
shrink? I’d really prefer to never have to talk about this ever, but I’d
also like to be able to get to sleep at night. (PS: I do have a boyfriend
who is wonderful and our relationship is totally normal. I don’t have any
trouble falling asleep in his arms or next to him in bed, just when I am
alone.)
Any advice you or your wonderful readers might have on this subject would be
greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Is it ironic that I am afraid to read The Gift of Fear?
Dear Maybe,
I can’t tell you if you’d want to know…but the thing is, you’re already trying to find out.You’re researching these things online; you’re worrying it, in your mind, like a bone.Something’s going on if you’re lying awake at night, rigid with fear…wouldn’t you rather know what it is that makes you so anxious, so you can deal with it and try to get past it?
Dealing with childhood abuse, if that is in fact the deeper issue here, is not fun by any means, and it’s not like you’ll have some cinematic Prince of Tides moment where you cry and feel better and it’s a brand new day.But it sounds like you’ve had a rough go of it already; you mention anxiety issues, you mention problems controlling your anger, you lie in bed with your heart pounding for half an hour every night but you can’t talk to anyone about it except me, and you’re worried enough about it to write to an advice column…yes, therapy is difficult and painful at times, but is it really worse than this, especially if it might let you put this in the past and get in bed and fall asleep in five minutes?
I think it does have to be with a shrink, yes.A therapist is qualified to handle this kind of thing — in your case, a phobia, the root of which is not known.Friends and family can be supportive, but they aren’t trained professionals.And you don’t necessarily have to lie on a couch and dig into your childhood to get to the bottom of this; you could go to the kind of therapist that specializes in “stepping” people over their phobias, and just do the practical-solution thing.
But if this anxiety, this unease, is recurrent in your life, it might be time to shine the light under the bed and get a look at the monsters finally.I think your asking me about this and looking on websites is your unconscious’s way of getting ready to do that; just think about going to a counselor for a few sessions and see if it’s not something you could try.Everything in its own time.
Hi Sars —
I remember reading a Vine column recently in which you said something
offhand about how giving sympathy doesn’t necessarily mean condoning
the recipient’s actions.It struck a chord with me because I’ve
always been a very unsympathetic person.To me, giving sympathy has
always felt like I’m acknowledging that something terrible and out of
the person’s control has happened, and I’m basically saying “sorry
that the fates dealt you this hand.”Unfortunately, I’m also a very
judgmental person, so I very rarely feel that any situation was out of
the person’s control…thus, unsympathetic.
For one example, an acquaintance of mine was recently badly hurt in an
accident in which she was completely at fault (she was driving too
fast for conditions and went out of control when she had to avoid a
road obstacle).I have dinner with this person and a larger group
regularly, and I know that this will be a conversation topic for
months to come.I have no idea how to be sympathetic when my brain is
screaming “this was totally preventable — you brag constantly about
how fast you drive, and surprise, you drove too fast and got hurt.”I
don’t want to skip these dinners, but I can already tell that this is
going to cause much tongue-biting on my part.I don’t want to say
that she deserved the injuries she sustained, but honestly, I just
have zero sympathy for her avoidable situation.Do I say “I’m sorry
you were hurt” and be insincere, or not say anything and sound like a
jerk (which, okay, I probably am a bit), or…?
I assume that most adults have figured out some way to deal with these
situations and that I’ve managed to coast through to 30 without having
to learn it.Any tips?
Torn about being unsympathetic
Dear Torn,
I think “most adults” just suck it up and ask how their friend is feeling, how the physical therapy is going, so on and so forth.You’re not under oath; nor do you have to say everything you think, unvarnished.Sometimes, circumstances will call for you to bite your tongue, at which time you bite your tongue, because it’s polite and because nobody asked whether you think she’s at fault.
You don’t have to gush; there’s a middle ground between “you did this to yourself, so I’m not going to pretend I think otherwise” and slathering her in your pity.It doesn’t really cost you anything to ask after her health these days and then eat quietly while everyone else is discussing it, does it?
Because it’s like you’re keeping score, and if people get sympathy and you think they “don’t deserve it,” it’s “unfair” somehow — unfair to you.But it really has nothing to do with you.
The next time you’re tempted to inform someone that you don’t feel any sympathy for them, think about why you want to do that and what you would get out of doing that.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships the fam
