Dear Sars,

I am a twenty-four-year-old gay Aussie living in Scotland (stay with me, it gets better) who, after two life-changing, picture-perfect years must now return home or risk being imprisoned as an illegal alien. That’s not my problem, though — I’m still deeply in love with my ex-boyfriend, Ray, who in a moment of madness (with lots of Jack Daniels thrown in) I unceremoniously dumped in favour of a six-foot-tall, blond, blue-eyed eighteen-year-old who showed an interest in me. Eighteen months together, and out of the blue I dumped him and he is only now starting to speak to me civilly (what do I expect?).

But I can feel something between us, something we had but was lost and maybe could be found again with a little time…time that I don’t have. There hasn’t been anyone else since that blond, blue-eyed mistake, the greatest mistake of my life, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is I hurt this beautiful, decent, sweet man who actually loved me. I hurt him to answer a nagging question at the back of my mind — is he all that I ever wanted from life?

The sad part is yes, six months later he is still, and always will be, all that I have ever wanted and needed. He says he wants to keep in contact but doesn’t think he is up to seeing me. I understand completely, but I’m afraid that if I don’t see him before I leave, I may never see him again. I just re-read all that I’ve written and I sound like such a bastard, I know, but there was lot more to it, too much to go into. I just need an unbiased third party to either slap me in the face and scream “snap outta it!” or tell me to live for now and go after him. Please help, Sars.

Love, Cornflake

Dear Sars,

The woe and angst of virtual romances.There is this guy I met online about three years ago, in an art chat room. I was really struck by his interesting and intelligent comments and ability to not sway into the flirting/bullshit realms that chat rooms sometimes get to. We talked about art and creativity and were both mutually surprised to discover one another. The chat eventually turned into a phone call and then became an email exchange; a friendship sprung up naturally and we found ourselves to be creative support pals — able to run ideas back and forth with one another and talk about the world in a really interesting way.At the time we started chatting, he was in the breaking-up stage with his ex-girlfriend, and although he says he was totally drawn to me, he would not hint or talk about that because he wasn’t available. I had a feeling this was the case, but got so much out of our art-related talks and philosophical discussions that I felt very content with the way things were moving along.

We did lose touch for about a year, just sending emails now and again; then out of the blue he called me and wanted to know how I was doing et cetera et cetera.I was involved with someone at the time, and once again the timing was off.We spent hours talking, though, like best friends, about our lives and goals, and again about our creative endeavors. I always hung up the phone wanting to keep talking more — and just very pleased with the connection.I never felt totally compelled to pursue it in any other way than what it was. I had ideas and thoughts about him in regards to what it would be like if he lived closer (he’s in Ohio, I am in California) and we could hang out…then wondered if we would have chemistry…and whether or not the connection we felt as friends could be something that would be more…but we never met or arranged to meet.This past summer we started emailing a lot again, and would occasionally chat through IM too.

It wasn’t until just recently, when I got out of the relationship I have been in for the last three years, that he has expressed his interest in meeting in person and seeing if the connection we have could be something more. I am really interested in this, but hesitant.We do talk for hours, about everything, and I can tell his personality is the type to fully engage in life — from initiating conversations to doing fun things to caring for another person in that hallmark romantic way — and it’s been so consistent for the last three years, this impression of him, that I know it’s pretty genuine.

However, I am just so confused about how come people can connect so well over email and phone and chat without meeting in real life — what the HELL is up with that?It’s so freakin’ weird.I have to deal with the fact that I could be in love with some guy, or the impression of this guy, but when we meet in real life it could totally fall apart.I am terrified about meeting him, ’cause I don’t want to lose our connection as it is now either…but it’s time to shit or get off the pot, and I really need to know if this is the man I could seriously have a great relationship with.

What’s going on with this whole virtual-reality comfort-zone thing and then real life?Any suggestions or comments from your point of view?

Thanks,
Viturally Lost