The Vine: May 12, 2004
Hi Sars,
I just wanted to query you and the Etiquette Anthropologist
on how far the rudeness goes.
You see, I don’t drink coffee, because I don’t like it.
There is also a list of fairly innocuous (to the rest of
the world) food that I also don’t eat for the same reason —
tomato, onion, mushroom and capsicum (red and green
peppers) being the most commonly occuring of those.
I couldn’t imagine myself responding, “No, I hate
coffee/tomato/onion” to an offer of these products, or
a query as to why there’s a pile left on the side of my
plate.My standard response is “No thanks, I don’t drink
coffee,” or “I’m really sorry about the pile — the meal was
great, but I just don’t eat mushroom.”To me, that’s
polite, but would you or Anthro take offence to that?(I
realise leaving food on a plate is rude, but I try to do it
discreetly.And I figure that leaving a little pile is
more polite than gagging and retching all over the place
while trying to get food down.)
Invariably, however, people respond to my explanation with
“Why not?”This is the point that I bring up the fact that
I just don’t like what’s on offer.Would that offend
people’s sensibilities?Is it a little rude of people to
demand to know “why” I don’t eat something, or do I owe
them an explanation?Should I just claim “allergic” in
future?(Though I don’t know how effective that argument
would be when my anti-foods are baked into dishes.)
Thanks,
But no thanks.I don’t drink coffee.
Dear No Thanks,
A simple “I just don’t care for it” and a change of subject is really your only recourse.Believe me when I tell you, “allergic” is not going to put them off; they’ll want to know when you figured that out, and what your symptoms are, and whether you’ve “tried [food in question] lately, just to make sure.”Just answer politely and get off the subject as nimbly as you can manage.
Yes, it’s sort of rude for people to push, and sort of dumb, too — people have different tastes, and I don’t really understand what’s so difficult to grasp about the whole “red meat makes me violently ill, in a manner not really suitable for discussion at the table” thing — but it’s usually just a well-meaning attempt to make conversation.
With that said — people.Please.Disliking a given food is not tantamount to burning the flag, and it’s not anything to take personally, so, seriously?If we tell you we don’t like a given food, just say “okay” and move on.Okay?Thanks.
Oh Sars, Grammar Guru,
I went to a community theater production this weekend of Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None.” When the producer made the preliminary announcements and welcomed us to their production of “And Then There Were None,” a girl sitting next to me stage-whispered to her friend, “No, it SHOULD be, ‘And Then There Was None.’ Sheesh. Don’t these people know ANY-thing?” I leaned over and in a friendly voice said, “No, that’s right; if it’s plural it’s ‘were’; if it’s singular it’s ‘was.’ Since we’re starting with ten and going to none, it’s ‘were.'”
I know that proper usage of this verb does have to do with singular vs. plural subjects, but am not sure how it applies to “none.” Was I out of line? The girl had picked this up from her mother who’s an English teacher, so she was convinced she was right.
Also, wouldn’t Agatha Christie have known better if it should have been “was”?
Please solve this mystery for me.
Thanks,
Singularly in suspense
Dear Suspense,
“None” can be either a singular or a plural, depending on whether it’s meant to indicate “not one” or “not any.”I prefer it as a singular, because it sounds crisper to me (Garner describes it as “somewhat stilted,” but sometimes even I have to disagree with The Lord).
In the example you cite, I think either one is correct, but “and then there was none,” while probably closer to the intended meaning, is awkward and disrupts the parallel structure construction.You can certainly interpret it as “and then there weren’t any,” in which case “were none” is perfectly acceptable.
So, you’re both right.Or wrong, whichever you like.
Are you ready for this?I’m dating a married man.Want something even better?He’s got two young kids.Now here’s the really confusing part, we’ve been friends for about two years.About six months ago he told me he and his wife were divorcing, she had cheated on him several times and they agreed that they’d been holding on to a marriage that wasn’t worth saving for too long.Since they’ve agreed to a divorce, they’ve been taking steps to make it easier on the kids as well as themselves.They’ve been working to get her business started up so that when the divorce is final she’ll be financially independent.And he’s been living at home with them so that he can both spend as much time with his kids as possible and acclimate them to the idea of not living with him, and also to save money.
But that’s my problem.I understand that he wants it to be easier on the kids.I understand that they both want to wait until the kids are out of school in May before he moves out and they divorce, but damn it, I hate it when he leaves to go home to her.He says he’s going home to his kids, but it still sucks.It’s not like it’s one of those situations where he’s saying he’s going to divorce her and he’s not.They’re both very open about wanting divorces.But I hate that he still lives there with her and I hate that it’s taking so long to get a damn divorce.
We’ve spoken about this several times and I know that I either need to suck it up until May, or that we should just stop seeing each other until the divorce is final.I guess the part that wigs me out is that they’re separated, but it doesn’t seem like they are because they still live together.
Am I just being impatient?Should I hold on another five months and repress my feelings or should we stay apart until the divorce is final?Or do you have a better option?It hurts to be away from him.As stupid as this sounds, he’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met.I never thought I’d find someone as perfect for me as he is.Being without him is horrible.He’s my love.He’s my friend.But feeling like this is horrible too.So…got any advice?
Feeling like the other woman in Florida
Dear The Other Woman,
Yeah.Dump him and find someone who isn’t going to make you wait around while he gets his life in order.
Look, it really doesn’t matter how great he is or how much he makes you laugh or whatever.He still lives with his wife, and actually, it is one of those situations where he says he’s going to divorce her and he’s not, because…he’s not.He still lives with her.And if he started seeing you before they “separated,” which by definition they really have not done, well, if they’ll do it for you they’ll do it to you.
It’s bad timing, but waiting around isn’t going to improve it any.Break it off, mourn him, and move on.
Dear Sars,
I wonder what you would do in my position.
I have a friend that I’ve known for nearly 15 years now.We haven’t been
friends that long, however.In high school, we hung around with the same
people, but she and I were very competitive and did not get along.
Once we graduated from college about seven years ago, we met again at a mutual
friend’s party.We’ve been friends ever since.
It has been within the past few years that some suspicions about my friend have
been raised and I’ve noticed some flaws in her personality.She gossips
horribly about everyone we know, and some people I don’t even know.Often
times, our phone calls are one-sided, with me on the “uh-huh” end of the
conversation. She has maintained a friendship with someone whom I had a
falling-out with, but will call her a bitch and a weirdo if I ever ask how
she’s doing.
At this point, I feel uncomfortable telling her anything personal about me or
my family, for fear it will be misconstrued and told to everyone in our small
city.I also have to wonder if she talks as badly about me as she does about
everyone else.
However, she has many redeeming qualities: she was supportive when my dad had
cancer; she never forgets my or my husband’s birthday; she is generous and very
funny.We always have fun when we’re together.
My question is, do I overlook the less-than-admirable qualities she has for the
more redeeming ones, or try to slowly eliminate her from my life? I would feel
badly if I lost the “good” friend part of her, but more often than not feel
troubled by the “bad” person part.
A Friend in Need (of Some Advice)
Dear Friend,
First of all, if you “often” find yourself punctuating her monologues with uh-huhs instead of having an actual conversation, it’s time to get off those calls, or change the subject to something on which you have an opinion, or tell her it makes you uncomfortable to hear this gossip — or whatever.Changing the subject is a very handy solution to a lot of conversational problems, folks.Try it, you’ll like it.
Second of all, if you’re worried that she’s going to tell your business all over town, either explain to her that it’s a concern of yours, or make it very clear when you talk to her about something personal that it is not to go beyond the two of you, no exceptions.And if you find out it does, ream her and don’t tell her anything else personal.
Friends talk about each other.She’s probably talking about you; she would even if she weren’t a notorious gossip.But unless it’s something you’ve explicitly told her to put in the vault, don’t worry about it, and if you haven’t vaulted certain subjects with her, perhaps you should start.Beyond that, well, you can’t control what other people do, or think of you.
Dear Sars,
My apologies, but this is another one of those queries that starts with
“well, there’s this boy.” We’ve been seeing each other for about a month now;
he’s sweet, he’s kind, he’ll stay up all night playing video games with me,
and he’s driving me absolutely insane. At first, I was head over heels for
him, but this last week has me rethinking all those gooey feelings.
The past couple of days have been absolutely crazy for me, with finals and
graduation and the such, and I made it perfectly clear to him that I needed
plenty of time so I could study in peace. The first day I asked him not to,
he showed up at my door under the guise of helping me study. You can be well
assured that absolutely no studying was done. I asked him to leave
repeatedly, and finally got him out of the door with ten minutes before I
had to leave for class. I was not happy.
Every day since, he’s been doing
the same. No matter how straightforward I was, even directly telling him to
get out of my house, he kept making excuses and telling me how much he loved
spending time with me. The first day it was sort of cute, by the fifth I was
furious. I’m not a very confrontational person, but I normally would have
snapped by now. The problem is that he keeps doing these ridiculously nice
things when he pisses me off the most; I can’t very well yell at him for
showing up at my door with a cheesecake in hand after a particularly
grueling exam or doing this dishes for me when I’m running late.
I’m at my wit’s end, but rather clueless how to handle a situation like this.
I tried explaining to my friends and family, but they just adore him and
tell me to stick with it because I’ll realize how great he is soon. I’m
scared that I’ll break it off and miss out on a really great guy, but I’m
even more scared that I won’t and get stuck in a clingy, boring
relationship.
So basically: Is there an easy way to come out and tell him why I’m so
frustrated? Should this irritating change of behavior be the end of what
once was a really nice relationship? Or should I just suck it up and hope
that since everything in my life has calmed down, so will he?
Thanks,
I really don’t have time for this
Dear Time,
Yes.”I told you I needed time alone to get things done.You aren’t hearing me, at all, and you think that by getting cute with the desserts, it means you don’t have to listen to what I’m telling you.Think again.”
It’s the truth.It’s not just that he’s pestering you; it’s that you explicitly told him not to do that, and that, when you tried to enforce it by asking him to leave, he didn’t think you meant it then, either.I mean, you can too yell at him for bringing you cheesecake.Dude’s not supposed to be there.
I don’t know if it’s worth making a big deal of now, but you might let him know that you really don’t appreciate having your needs just ignored like that; you appreciate his efforts to be supportive, but true supportiveness involves actually absorbing what the other person has told you umpteen times and respecting it, and he’s going to need to work on that.
Keep an eye on that tendency.If he’s continuing to not hear you, well, that’ll do, pig.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar
