Dear Sars,

Long-time listener, first-time caller.I’m trying to figure out where “suck it up and be a friend” ends and “be true to myself” begins.(I always swore that “if I ever wrote The Vine, I’d be pithy and succinct.”Oops.)

The backstory: I’ve got the requisite dysfunctional family. Childhood had its ups and way-way-downs (imagine the worst, and the less said about it the better), but I got out ASAP and never looked back.I didn’t have much support growing up, but none was owed to me; I believe that life deals us a hand, and we can choose to play it or take the Big Opt-Out…but whining about wanting a different hand is futile.

Enter my new pal, Katie.We have mutual friends, but hadn’t officially met till this summer. As early-thirtysomethings, we have a lot in common, and were chummy immediately after being introduced.The friendship evolved, and we now talk or email daily.We’ll discuss anything, however serious or inane, and have marvelled aloud over the mutual trust we feel.I’d even opened up to Katie with some of the more hair-raising aspects of my childhood.

Katie had a pretty bad turn recently herself.She lives with her adored younger sister Jane, an adult with a life-long condition best described as a mild Down’s Syndrome; Katie’s family is not and will never again be on the scene, so she is Jane’s primary caretaker.While it’s been manageable to date, about a year ago they learned that Jane is deteriorating.She has grown difficult to communicate with, and the situation will never improve (and will likely get far worse).Fortunately, Katie has the financial wherewithal to manage this all comfortably, including full day and respite care.

I was impressed by the aplomb with which Katie appears to handle her role in Jane’s life, and charmed by her tendency to self-deprecatingly demur when others comment on how selfless she is.She adeptly handles the situation where people feel the need to open every conversation by inquiring after Jane, or offer unsolicited medical advice. Katie makes people feel at ease instead of awkward; of course, the result is that more praise and awe and support is heaped upon her by others…which is ultimately a good thing, because she needs all the support she can get.Katie gets plenty of opportunity to get out socially and to vent (to me, to her boyfriend, to other close friends), so I know she has an outlet for her natural frustrations about dealing with Jane daily.

Now that we are close, I’ve witnessed many sides of Katie’s feelings about and interactions with Jane.Alternately, Katie is strong, angry, loving or despondent…but underlying it all is the resentment that she doesn’t deserve any of this, that it is not fair that she’s “lost” her sister, that it will never go away, that Jane will never be “normal.”And, the “poor me, look at me” tack has been recently escalating.I don’t know whether Katie shares these same feelings with her other confidantes when she vents about Jane, or if it’s just to me.Usually I comfort her or just listen quietly during these rants…and usually, Charming Aplomb Katie comes back later and apologizes for having been so whiny.I am thankful that I can be there for her in that way, and it’s not an everyday thing, so it hasn’t really affected our friendship…

Yep. Till now.Jane had some sort of episode and hurt herself, and Katie called me from the ER waiting room.She calmly explained that it was a minor injury, that Jane would be fine — and then the “poor, pitiful me” routine began, with a healthy dose of “why can’t I catch a break, how did I get stuck with Jane.” After twenty minutes (no exaggeration) of listening, I’d had it.I said, “Katie, she’s your sister.Right now is really a time when you need to be focusing on Jane and what she needs, and not how bad things are for YOU.Yeah, this sucks in entirety — but you can’t undo it and you can’t walk away, and you have to start accepting that; you’ve known about Jane’s deterioration for a year.”

Her response was that she outright refused to accept it…and, that I don’t know anything about hardship, can’t possibly understand what it is like for her.I reminded her that I’d endured far worse in my own past, but that she doesn’t see me constantly bemoaning my fate and blaming it for everything wrong in my life. I told her that, “frankly, the martyr card is played out.”

Katie exploded, first screaming that she was certainly NOT a martyr, and how dare I suggest she was using Jane’s condition for her own glory. Then, she changed course, screaming that she didn’t ask for the martyr card, but it was given to her and therefore she had no choice but to play it.I told her I disagreed, that there is always a choice: she can choose to face reality, and acknowledge that no amount of wishing or screaming was going to turn back the clock.I told her that the sooner she accepted Jane’s situation and her own role, the better they would both be.We basically ended up hanging up on one another.

Several hours later, we talked again.Katie apologized for blowing up at me, but repeated that I can’t possibly understand how hard it is for her. She explained that “the M word” was one of her hot buttons, and asked that I never call her that again lest we get in a(nother) rager fight.I took a deep breath, and said that I was sorry that saying “martyr” had offended her so much, but that I thought the problem was not my use of the word but her irrational and violent reaction to it. I pointed out that simply avoiding “the M word” wouldn’t magically erase the fact that I perceive her to be entering a harmful spiral of self-pity, one that is exacerbated by all the veneration of “Saint Katie” by our acquaintances.(I mean, we’re all white, upper-middle-class, college educated…all told, everyone’s had it pretty good, so Katie’s situation is unthinkable to many of them.Meanwhile, there are “Janes” out there without a “Katie,” being electroshocked in institutions…and soldiers dying at war, and children going barefoot and hungry, and…you get the picture.)

Sars, where do we go from here?I wish I could just zip my lip and lock away the feeling that Katie needs to grow up about Jane, and in a hurry.And I know she wishes she didn’t think of me as cold and insensitive.Am I helping Katie by being honest with her?Or do I need to just get over myself, and accept that nobody made me the Reality Fairy?

Looking for a Middle Ground

O Lovely & Talented Sars,

I’ve been friends with L for about three years. Over the
course of that time, the friendship has largely been
one-sided — she has a crisis, and I lend an ear, et cetera.
I’ve been perfectly okay with that — I like L, and
between her crises, we’ve had some really great talks
and fun times.

Recently I underwent knee surgery. L called the next
day, sent me a get-well gift, and offered to visit.
The first time she offered was two days after surgery,
and I wasn’t ready for visitors yet, so I asked if I
could take a rain check. She said she’d come by the
following weekend. When I called her later in the week
to confirm, she had made other plans, but maybe next
weekend. She didn’t call that week. The following
weekend she called me to say she was in my
neighborhood for lunch with friends of her parents,
and asked if I’d be able to meet her there. I was at
physical therapy when she called, which my boyfriend
told her, and he said I’d be back in an hour — could
she call back then? She didn’t. (I was still on
crutches at this point, and it would’ve been difficult
for me to meet her anyway.) The following week she
emailed to ask if she could visit the coming Sunday. I
wrote back that I’d love to see her and would really
appreciate the visit. Didn’t hear back. I called her
Sunday morning, and she told me she had to work, so
couldn’t make it over. Said she’d call me that week to
maybe set something else up. The week went by, and she
sent me a “how’s it going” email on Friday. No mention
this time of a visit.

I’d miss her, as for a while L was one of my closest
friends in this city — however, we don’t see each
other very often now, and I’m content to let it fade
into a social thing where we see each other at a party
every few months. My question then is, is it worth
gently letting her know that I’m hurt by her behavior,
or should I just let it go?

Signed,
What the L?

Hi Sars,

Last week I went on vacation with some of my relatives.When my cousin
initially invited me, I thanked her for thinking of me and told her that
I couldn’t afford it.(Brief background on my finances: I’m leaving my
job this month, taking two months off, and then starting a new job that
I’m thrilled about but where I’ll earnt half of what I take home now.)
My cousin makes considerably more money than I do, and offered to pay
for my airfare and hotel expenses.After hashing the offer out in my
head and with her, I decided to accept her generous gift.

So I get the time off from work and start comparing the merits of
different sunblocks.A week before the trip, my cousin emails me to say
that she’s sorry, but she’s only going to be able to pay a portion of my
expenses. Since the flight was booked and the hotel reservations made, I
felt pretty queasy after reading her message.I called my mother for
advice and to bitch, and she offered to pick up the rest of the tab. So
I go.

Yesterday I got an email from my mother saying — you guessed it — that
she’s sorry to ask me for it, but she needs me to repay the money that
she’d shelled out for my trip.The queasiness returned.

Sars, I don’t borrow money from people, and I don’t loan money to
friends and family unless I can spare it because I don’t want to ruin my
relationships over money.Should I have approached this trip situation
with the same attitude, since it involved money changing hands between
my relatives and myself (i.e., something I had always avoided) even though
both offers were described as gifts?I guess after all of this yapping,
my question is: do you think I showed bad judgment going on a trip that
I couldn’t afford?

Not So Rich

Hi Sars,

Here’s one you’ve probably heard before, but it’s been weighing pretty heavily on me, and I thought an objective opinion may help.

I’m about to be a senior in college with two liberal arts majors, English and Communication.Now, when I picked those coming out of high school, I didn’t pick them with careers in mind.I picked them because I knew they were subjects that fascinate me and that they were things I was good at.I’ve worked pretty hard in college, am pulling a really good GPA, and am even in an honor’s society.I’m slated to graduate next May if all goes according to plan.

So of course, now my family and everyone wants to know what I want to do when I get out of school.My mother, in particular, is horrified that I “don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.”My current idea for after college basically entails me getting a permanent position at my on-campus job, which I’m relatively assured to get if there’s a position then.I’ve been with my office for two and a half years, the work is challenging and interesting, and I’m good at it.I was also thinking of taking a class through our school’s continuing studies program and getting certified in massage therapy because I’m already great at massage, and with a certificate, I could make really, really good money.

None of this is my permanent plan, of course.Eventually, I want to get a master’s in something and do work that actively involves people.I want the time that I haven’t been afforded in college to feel around everywhere and see where I could be happy, or at least not bitter, spending eight hours or more of my day for quite a while.But people around me seem to be worried that I haven’t picked yet, that I’m going to get these degrees and waste them, and that gets me to worrying.I’d love to try and take an internship, but internships don’t usually pay well, and I’ve got all the usual bills, so I can’t really afford them right now in time or finance.

Is there a way to find out what you want to do when so many things interest you without actually getting out there and doing them?I want to make sure I’m ready for graduation, too, and frankly, all I’m ready for right now is a nervous breakdown from school, work and the great looming “future” cloud people want me to look at.

So what do you think, Sars?Am I off-track, or is this pretty much normal for a soon-to-be graduate?

Thanks in advance for your help!
Ready to pick from a hat

Dear Sars,

I broke up two weeks ago with my boyfriend of nearly a year and a
half.The problem?He owes me forty bucks, and I’m not quite
sure how to go about getting it back.

We’re both in high school — he’s a sophmore and I’m a junior.We
go to a boarding school, which makes personal cash flow a bit
more important than it might be if both of us went to a school close
to home.(He’s a day student who lives just off campus, and I
come from a state an eight-hour drive away.)I have an on-campus
job that gives me about thirty bucks every two weeks, but he
doesn’t have a steady income of his own.His parents sometimes
give him money for chores and he babysits occasionally.

So, due to a long series of unimportant events, it ended up one
day that I had a good bit of money in my pocket.He had
something he needed forty bucks for, but forty bucks he did not
have.I lent it to him with the proviso that he would pay me back as
soon as he could, and he wholeheartedly agreed.That was about
two months ago, and, as I said, we recently broke up.

Now, I’m not desperately in need of money right now, but I don’t
want to just let this go.I can’t just go up to him and ask him to
hand it over, because I’m pretty sure he’s broke, or nearly.I’m
reluctant to ask him to give it to me in installments when he can, or
some such thing.For many (again unimportant) reasons, it would
offend him, and while that is not a reason in and of itself to not do
that, I am trying to be friendly with him in hopes that we will one day
be friends of some sort again.He’s expressed a desire to work
our way back up to friendship, as well, and I’m afraid offending him
right now would just make him pissy and destroy any chance of an
amicable relationship between us.The fact that this would annoy
him is characteristic of him, and a good deal of the reason I left
him, but…yeah.

I don’t want to lose the possibility of a good friendship over $40,
but I also don’t want to lose the $40.Help?

Boys and Money Don’t Mix