The Vine: May 15, 2002
Dear Sars,
My problem is fairly simple.I am a 21-year-old full-time college student.My parents are still together, and I consider my childhood a happy one.But I am the eldest of four kids — three girls and then a boy — and I have always looked out for them.I still read to the two youngest (14 and 9) each night.But my other sister, Ms. K, is 18.She enrolled in college because of our parents’ very severe pressure at 17, but dropped out a week in when she turned 18, in September, moved in with her boyfriend of three months, got married, and became pregnant on purpose.My family, in shock and pain, has cut off all connections to her.I continue to see her and speak to her frequently.
Her choices hurt me as well (especially the fact that she seems to still be drinking when three months pregnant with a child she intends to keep), but I feel unable to leave her without family, friends, or support of any kind.I could really use objective advice in this matter.Help me, please.
My eternal gratitude,
Caught In The Middle
Dear Caught,
Advice about what — whether to stay in contact with her?Your sister has made some stupid choices, sure, but how does that “hurt” you?Because you don’t approve?Because you find her and/or her behavior embarrassing?
It’s her life.If she wants to fuck it up, it’s her affair.But that doesn’t mean you can’t stay in her life; it just means you can’t run it, and neither can your parents.You don’t have to love everything a person does to love that person.
Keep in contact with her.Let her know you care.Try to talk to her about the drinking if you can.Do it because you love her, not because you want to tell her what to do.
I was in a short (three months) but loving relationship with a woman recently.She told me she loved me, and I believe she actually did.I fell in love with her.We had a break-up about five months ago, but the reason for the break-up is not important.She is dating another man now, which is okay, but I can’t let go.She told me she fell in love with this other man, and I accept that.
My problem is that I still love her.I can’t let it go.I have tried dating three other women over the last three or four months, but it hasn’t helped.I couldn’t connect with them because, I think, I still believe I can get back with her.My intelligence knows the relationship is over, but my (broken) heart will not accept that fact.How do I let it go?
Mr. Sorrow
Dear Sorrow,
Well, first of all, if you haven’t already, you need to cut off all contact with her for a while.She’s moved on, and you can start moving on by not calling her and not seeing her.You need to give yourself some mental space.
Once you’ve done that, just get through each day, and give it time.It doesn’t sound like much of a solution, but it’s the only one available.To accept that she’s out of your life, you have to live that life without her, if that makes any sense.
It takes a while to get over people.You’ll get there.Give yourself time to heal.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
