Dear Sarah,

This letter is really in response to SSMW’s second sentence, and not about the reproductive law issues (about which I know less than you purport to).She says, “I don’t have a boyfriend, nor have I ever (I’ve been overweight all of my life).”

I don’t know SSMW from a hole in the wall, but it seems to me that she might have self-esteem issues surrounding her weight.I’ve been overweight at times in my life (though never severely, so I don’t know what that feels like), and it wasn’t until I was 22
that I realized I had been walking around with the thought that “only skinny people have sex.”And then I realized that I had somehow been assuming that I
would never have sex because I wasn’t skinny.Isn’t a good thing I actually met someone with whom I connected and trusted, and found out otherwise?Yes, I was a late bloomer when it came to losing my virginity (a month before my 23rd birthday), and I don’t attribute that solely to my mistaken assumption.But it was amazing to realize that I had internalized that belief, and had held it for so long.

In case no one else ever says it to SSMW: YOU DESERVE LOVE AND SEXUAL SATISFACTION NO MATTER WHAT THE SCALE SAYS! Not to mention that there are plenty of men out there who are really attracted to heavier women.I know it sounds trite, but you really need to love yourself, and believe that you are loveable, before someone else will fall in love with you.

And on the weight issue: Maybe this is going to sound harsh, but it has worked for me.YMMV.I realized, sometime in college, that my big hips were never going to go away, no matter how much weight I managed to lose.So I could either learn to love my body as it was, or I could be miserable the rest of my life.Guess what I chose?Not only that, I reached a certain weight and then said, “That’s it.It ends here and now.”Again, I saw two options for myself — either learn to love myself and the extra 20-30 pounds I was carrying around, or get rid of them.I chose to get rid of (most of) them.But if SSWM is happy with her weight, then that’s great, too.I really think the key is, as I said above, learning to love yourself — others will see that and realize you are worth loving.

Respectfully submitted,
Been There, Done That, Glad I Came To My Senses

Sars,

This isn’t the same situation [as SSMW’s], but it’s close enough.My ex-girlfriend would like a hand in the same way.She only dates women now; she was bisexual when we went out.I don’t know Joe, but regardless of the intent in the beginning, I could not father a child and not be involved in that child’s life.That would have a negative impact on my marriage.Would my wife freak out?You bet.Would she be wrong? I don’t think so.The probability of this making Joe’s life irretrievably screwed up is huge.I never even discussed this with my wife.I never even thought of saying yes.It’s just too complicated. Good luck.

Rob

Sars,

I have a problem…or I might.I’m writing because you seem to be very good at determining whenpeople make excuses and rationalizations without even knowing it themselves.

I’m a 22-year-old college junior still living at home with my parents.My problem is, basically, that I’m bad at new situations.I tried to live in the dorm for two semesters (not consecutive), but I just didn’t handle it very well.I didn’t make any friends, slept about an hour a night, and mostly just kind of walked around the campus — I couldn’t bear to go back to my room because I was worried my roommate might have his friends over and they might exclude me, or someone might talk to me in the elevator, or there might be a party in my suite I wasn’t invited to.It was a great relief to go home at the end of both of those semesters.

My classes are usually fine, but I’ve failed a couple of them because I made a fool of myself or someone tried to talk to me outside of class, so I stopped going.That probably sounds really stupid and I don’t know if I’m describing it well enough, but I might flunk a class right now because I’m supposed to go talk to the instructor and I’m not sure I can.

I’ve held a few jobs, too, but none of them lasted very long.I temped for a while and the work was fine, but for some reason I couldn’t stick with it.Like, most days I would go and sit in the bathroom or stand outside the building for as long as I could get away with it, because I felt like I would start crying if I was in there any longer.Usually during my lunch break, I would just sit in my parked car for the whole hour, dreading going back inside.I only did that job for a few weeks.I also delivered pizza for a while, and that was a little better, but most nights we all just stood awkwardly around the store waiting for pick-ups, and that’s what I can’t stand.That job lasted about a month or two.

I know it must sound like I’m just complaining, and I apologize for that.My point is, these are all the horrible things that have happened to me in the past three years, and it’s possible all of it was self-inflicated.I’ve been told that I’m just lazy and all I need is a kick in the ass to get myself started.Of course, I resent being told I’m lazy, but what if it’s true?I certainly wouldn’t know myself, and usually people just look at me blankly when I describe the details of each of the specific situations.

So what’s your opinion?Are these “life sucks, deal with it” kinds of things, or are they unusual problems I shouldn’t HAVE to deal with?In either case, what on earth can I do to change it around?How do you kick yourself in the ass?

Thanks,
Lazy Or Something