Hey Sars,

Here’s another heart-attack tip, in case no one else has sent it in yet. If you’re at risk for having a heart attack, it’s a very good idea to carry an aspirin around with you at all times. Studies have shown that taking an aspirin during or after a heart attack drastically reduces the chance of death. (This has to do with aspirin’s blood-thinning properties, but damned if I know how exactly.) My father had a scare a few years ago, and since then has secreted little packs of aspirin everywhere: in the house, in his office, in his briefcase, on his boat. And that’s aspirin, as in Bayer and other brands, not Advil (ibuprofen) or Tylenol (acetaminophen) or other painkillers. My guess is that you’d want the non-coated kind, as it hits the bloodstream faster. If you’re fighting for your life, a little heartburn is the least of your worries.

Also, a daily aspirin regimen can help reduce incidence of heart attack for some at-risk people, but that’s a check-with-your-physician thing.

Hope this helps,
Helene

Dear Helene,

Good idea.I don’t know exactly how it works either, but I do know that when I go to give blood, they don’t want me to have taken any aspirin in the last 72 hours.

Anyway, if you feel the symptoms of an impending attack, down a couple Bayer — and don’t forget to tell the paramedics that you did so when they arrive.

Dear Sars,

I hate pornography with a passion, as does my mother. My father…um, doesn’t. That’s the problem.Ever since we got a connection to the internet, my father has been looking up and downloading pornography.I don’t even need to snoop to know this — he’s not very sneaky about it. Sure, he does it when nobody else is up and denies it if confronted, but our computer is constantly riddled with traces of porn. I’ve even walked into the room when he was watching some.

My mother is an avid feminist and believes that pornography is a male way of keeping women subjugated while they gain more power in the workplace.I wouldn’t go that far, but I do feel that women wouldn’t have such a hard time of it if all this nasty-ass stuff wasn’t out there.My mother and I have both confronted my father and told him that it upsets us greatly. The result is always one of two things — he lies and says that he didn’t do it, or he makes a big show of apologising and then goes right back to it.

This has fucked up my relationship with my father more than I could possibly explain.I used to be a total daddy’s girl, but now I don’t even like to talk to him.When he does something nice for my mother, it makes my stomach churn. I had a friend a couple years back who I was afraid to bring home because she was drop-dead gorgeous, and I was convinced that my father was a worthless sleaze who would definitely hit on her.I know that it’s not the greatest problem in the world, and that there are fathers out there who are much worse, but it bugs me so much that I just can’t let it be. It’s not even the pornography itself that upsets me so much anymore, but the fact that he seems to value it above the feelings of my mother and myself.

Now, after an incident where I (ashamed to say) burst into tears when I confronted him and he swore off it, I find out he’s up to his old tricks again.Should I confront him, or resign myself to the fact that my father cares less about what my mother and I think than he does about getting off, and just give up?Incidentally, my mother isn’t some kind of dominating feminazi who insists on wearing the pants, so I doubt that it’s to do with power or feeling manly.

I love my father, but I hate, hate, hate how he’s behaving.I really need some advice on this because I haven’t a clue how to deal with it myself.

Thanks,
Little Miss Purity

Dear Purity,

Your father won’t respect your feelings or your mother’s feelings on the issue, so either he’s suffering from some sort of compulsion regarding pornography — in which case, he needs to get treatment — or he’s just a sleazy jackass that doesn’t care enough about his family to stop what he’s doing.

As for what you do about it…well, he’s a grown man.There’s not much you can do, and really, this is your mother’s battle to fight with him, as far as getting him either to stop consuming porn or to get him some help if he can’t control himself with it.

You’ve made it clear to him that his use of pornography disgusts you; you’ve made it clear to him that his choosing porn over your feelings is painful to you.There’s really nothing else to do here.I assume you still live at home; if you do, as soon as you can change that situation, I think you should.It’s becoming a toxic environment, because a private issue in your parents’ marriage is getting played out in front of you, and because your father is existing in a creepy Freudian space with the issue and refusing (or unable) to alter his behavior, and the longer you stay, the more fucked-up it’s going to get for everyone.

If you can leave, do it.If you can’t, you need to discuss the possibility with your mother that your father has an illness and needs help; you should also definitely get yourself some counseling in order to deal with this mess, and suggest that your mother do the same.

I’ve pretty much exhausted my resources of people who want to hear about this, so I’m writing to that great anonymous face in cyberspace, Sars.I’ve been dealing with depression (with medication) since 1999, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been suffering from it since I was at least 12.I’m still on medication, but I don’t think it’s working anymore.I’m not sure if the depression is the cause or the effect for all the things going on in my life: I hate a job I used to like; I’m fatter than I’ve ever been and lack the motivation to exercise; and I feel as if I don’t have any friends.I don’t know what I’m doing with myself.

First of all, the job thing.I’m 27, and I feel like I’ve wasted the last ten years, and am already financially and educationally tied to a life I hate.This is not a terrible job.It has good benefits, the people are nice, and there’s potential for upward mobility.So what’s my problem? Couldn’t tell you.All I know is, I’m sitting there, 8 to 5, feeling anxious and fidgety, wishing all day long I were somewhere else, doing something else.I completely miss the freedom of being able to do other things during the day (like in college, between classes).I barely make it from paycheck to paycheck, and I am unsure if this will ever not be the case in my profession.While I don’t have any massive debt, the thought of chucking my job (AND all the schooling Mom and Dad paid for) to try something else scares the financial pants off me.Not to mention the fact that since I have depression, no self-respecting health insurance plan would cover me, if I were to try self-employment.I have thought about trying something else in a similar field, but I am afraid my lack of experience would keep me from getting a job.

The fat thing. Generally, I eat pretty healthy.I know that sitting in a chair for 40 hours a week is the main culprit.When I get out of work, the last thing I want to do is exercise!I have precious few hours to do anything before it’s time to go to bed and go back to work; who the hell wants to do crunches?!I am also struggling with the whole “my life sucks, so don’t I deserve this cookie?” issue.

The friend thing.I have never had a whole lot of friends, but now I have even fewer.There is no good way (that I can think of) to meet new friends. The people I know either don’t live here, or are married.I have nobody to just “pal around” with — like, someone to call up and just hang out with without whipping out the day-planners and pencilling it in.Is this just part of being (grumble) a grown-up?Plus, I’m sure that nobody really wants to hang out with me when I’m feeling like this — I wouldn’t want to.

I don’t know if I’m asking you to verbally kick me in the ass, or what.I’ve tried counseling once, but I didn’t like it so much, and it gets expensive.I should probably go back to the doctor and ask him to load me up on more antidepressants, and just give up on having a sex drive again, ever.

Sigh.

Whatever you can tell me, I’ll take it.

Too Young For Mid-Life Crisis

Dear Too Young,

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with your mental-health issues, but…your letter is one excuse after another.”I can’t do this because wah,” “I can’t do that because blah,” “I can’t do/start/try X because Y.”Enough already.Stop making excuses to yourself about the suckiness of your life and start taking steps to change it.

I think most of your problems stem from your depression.Depression is a tough change to tackle, because the very symptoms you want to banish often prevent you from banishing them by their very nature — you don’t feel motivated, you don’t feel like it’s worth it to even bother, the whole thing exhausts you to think about.Medications stop working, trying new ones is often an irritating process at best, and the side effects stomp your nerves.Counseling is expensive, and you may have to try a few therapists before you find one you can work with.It’s difficult, but it’s necessary.You need to go back to your doctor and discuss a different antidepressant regime with her.You need to find a way to fit counseling into your schedule and budget.You need to force yourself to deal with your illness so that your illness will loosen its hold on you and let you deal with the rest of your life.

I would address each problem, but I think they all proceed from the first one.Yes, exercising is annoying and unpleasant, but if you want to derive the benefits, you have to do the work.Yes, changing jobs or careers is intimidating and complicated, but if your current job or career makes you tired and unhappy, you have to make the change and try to live with it.Yes, your social circle has contracted, but if you want to hang out with friends, you have to get out the Day Runner and schedule hang-out time.The day-to-day living of adult life is often a boring and annoying affair, but it also has myriad worthy challenges and hidden joys, and you’ve got a good fifty years left, so it’s time to start finding them, and you can’t address the unsatisfying parts of your life properly until you deal with your disease in an adult fashion.

It’s not fair that you got stuck with depression, but it’s not going to go away, and until you get what you need to manage your depression, your life is going to continue sucking.You deserve better, whether you believe that or not, so get off your ass and do it.Get to a place where the other factors you cite don’t seem as huge and impossible, and start changing them.Start dealing.Yes, it’s hard.Life is hard.You can handle it.Start handling it.It’s time, and you have no choice.

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