Number one, she shouldn’t bother with the thigh machine, as it’s useless. Seriously. Send her over to stumptuous.com to check out real weightlifting for women with Mistress Krista (no, it’s not going to turn her into a macho freak); if she’s already braving Boyzone, she might as well do proper compound movements and not waste good gym time with fad machines.

Number two, as you say, sweat happens, and black is good. Cotton: not so good. One thinks those cotton/spandex blends are comfy, but what they really are, for heavy sweaters (and I’m one) is damp and yucky (plus prone to causing yeast infections in the susceptible). This is usually the prime culprit, and you are right on with your advice about wicking fabrics. In black. That and get off the gynecologist machine, and there goes the problem right there. Lululemon is another good source of great workout gear in good fabrics that won’t reveal your melting state. Yes, you look at the price and go ACK!, but the things are built to last, comfortable and flattering (also important, for those of us not quite at our goal weight).

K

I like Lululemon stuff a lot too — but it’s better for the short-waisted (I have the world’s second-longest torso and their clothes don’t tend to flatter me).

Other suggestions from the readership appear below.Asterisks indicate suggestions I got more than once.

Mossimo yoga pants, available at Target
Champion Double Dry pants
Gym Girl skirt (available at skirtsports.com)
Lycra bike shorts worn under the yoga pants
Gym shorts with a built-in undershorts layer (I got a sweet pair at Old Navy for $12; readers also suggested Target and Nike)*
Energy Zone yoga pants
Baggy shorts worn over a pair of leggings
UnderArmour or Ex Officio undergarments (or anything made with CoolFit or CoolMax fabric)*
Ativa workout-wear
Sporthill workout-wear
Junonia.com

Dear Sars,

It all started about three years ago when I started hanging out with this
new group of friends.I love them, they are fabulous, but I met Olga.Now,
at first, I thought Olga was a mite scary, but everyone else seemed to like
her fine so I thought she was good people.We got to know each other a
little better and found that we shared a similar hobby, quilting.This
hobby allows us a lot of time to just sit and talk with one another, and
while we did, we started to get closer.

Cut to the next year, I am still friends with Olga but the rest of the group
has somewhat distanced themselves from her.It’s not that she’s a bad
person, it’s just that she has hardly any social boundries.If she likes a
man, she’s always trying to touch him, sometimes in inappropriate ways.In
very inappropriate ways, Sars.I don’t want to go into details.As we’re
getting closer, I find her a little…okay, frightening at times, but she
didn’t have many other friends and frankly, I felt sorry for her.

Yes…I know!I know.

So Olga and I continue to share this hobby together, spending time with one
another.Other people didn’t understand her, but I felt that I did.And
then, she hit on me.I wish I could tell you that her advances were
innocent at first, but no.She went from innocent quilting friend to
lesbian soft porn in about .008 seconds.I did not know how to react, so I
just laughed it off.I didn’t think this was a good reason to end a
friendship considering that I like to pretend I’m dead sexy and she couldn’t
help herself.

But wait, there is more.Over the last year, she has tried to fondle me,
grope me, get me drunk, tried to talk me into watching lesbian porn with
her…and not only that…she tells me frequently how much she loves me,
how cute I am, how funny, she seems jealous of anything that takes my time
away from her, she buys me gifts for no reason…and suddenly as I am
writing this I want to kick my own ass.

She also drives me insane.She whines frequently, and the tiniest little
things become major problems.She runs to me for advice, I give it, she
tells me how wonderful I am, how smart, how funny, how much she loves me.I
feel completely uncomfortable when she does that.I mean, it’s just advice,
and most of it is probably really bad.(It doesn’t matter, she never
listens to me, she just runs to me and clings.)

More than one girlfriend of mine has given me a look, and a laugh, when the
subject of Olga comes up.It’s more like a “Wow, I’m glad I’m not you” kind
of laugh.I like to live in a world where I can deny that Olga may…possibly…be in love with me?I’ve asked her before, about a year ago,
and she only told me not to worry about that, and no, she wasn’t in love
with me.

I’ve tried giving it to her straight, which hurts her feelings.I’ve tried
telling her to suck it UP already, good god, woman!And this makes her
angry because I don’t understand her and her deep, meaningful feelings.
I’ve tried telling her I do not want to have sex with her, and she just
laughs as if to say “you silly, silly American!”I’ve tried telling her not
to buy me gifts, please.I’ve tried putting distance between us.She only
remains, telling me that she will always be there for me.

She listens to my man problems like a good pal, but often gets jealous
quickly.Now, I know all I’ve said before could point to her loving me as
more than a friend, but I don’t get that from her.It seems like when she
is jealous, it is because she wants to be me.I told her about a new guy
I met recently that was making me happy, making me smile, and she seemed
happy about it…at first.After my gushing hit the five-minute mark
(seriously, I couldn’t help it, he is so cute) she just said, “You’re so
lucky” and then proceeded to stop talking to me.Just started sulking so
hard and saying things about how no one loved her, and how everyone forgot
her, and that her life was like some cosmic joke.

I love her, I do.I see how sad she is, and I feel bad for her.Part of me
wants to pull her up by her weave and say, “Come on, Olga!Get out there and
grab life!”but okay?She WILL.She’ll grab it in an innappropriate place
in front of God and everybody.And then Life will feel uncomfortable, as we
almost all do if you hang around Olga long enough.I want her to be happy,
I do, but I’m also scared of her a little bit.I can’t tell if she’s Single
White Female-ing me, or desperately in love with me, or if I’m being crazy.

The weird thing is, I still like quilting with her more than anyone.And
yes, I realize how inane and stupid that sounds.

Please kick my ass hard because I need it so desperately

What is your actual question here?Do you want me to give you a way of getting rid of Olga?Do you want me to tell you how to get her to respect your boundaries?Because the answer to both of those questions is the same: tell her what the boundaries are, and enforce them by getting up and leaving when she crosses the line.Tell her that the constant sexual overtures, the inappropriately romantic possessiveness, and the sulking and self-absorption make you annoyed and uncomfortable, and tell her that either she stops behaving in ways that weird you out and piss you off, or you’re not going to hang out with her anymore.And if she pitches a fit, back up your words with some action and go somewhere else.

There is a way to put these things that’s gentle as well as firm, but the problem here is that Olga knows what she can get away with, with you — plenty — and therefore has no motivation to change her behavior….Well, it’s a problem here.The real problem is that Olga sounds like one of those “friends” who isn’t actually participating in a friendship with you so much as in some adjacent but unrelated drama in her own mind that’s entirely centered around her.Unfortunately, there’s really no fixing or revising the way you relate to a “friend” like that; you just have to distance yourself.

But whatever you decide to do about Olga, you have to do it, and you have to be consistent about it and not send mixed signals.Next time she’s grabby, slap her.Next time she’s sulky, tell her you’ll see her later and take your leave.Next time she crosses a line, put her back on the other side of it and remind her that you discussed this, and if she whines and clings, leave.

But as I’ve said six thousand times before, when waiting around for someone to Get It doesn’t work, and hints don’t work, you need to ask yourself what you want from the situation; you need to ask the other person to give it to you (in this case, in the form of putting a ceiling on disordered behavior); and you need to give a refusal some consequences.

Hello.I need advice.

I have been with my girlfriend now for about four years.I am 32 and she is
28.After two years together I had to move to a different city for work and
she eventually moved to the same city so we could be together.We agreed
that we wouldn’t live together, at least until we decided about marriage.
About six months ago things got a little rocky where we started to question if
we should be together.We decided to take a week off and clear our heads.
We didn’t break up.Just took a step back.

One night I stopped by her
house unexpectedly and found my “friend’s” car in her driveway.My heart
nearly burst with anger.I walked in on them having sex.I went into
shock.The guy left in a hurry as I was fairly enraged. Eventually I
calmed down.She and I had a long, long talk about how this could happen.
She said it was a huge mistake.He made her feel special (which apparently
I hadn’t been doing).She told me that she told him that she loved me and
that their affair couldn’t go anywhere emotionally.He also has a
girlfriend whom he says he loves.She said that it was a huge mistake and
that she loved me and never meant to hurt me.I was obviously devastated.

I decided to try and forgive her and try to make us work.With time we were
having fun together and enjoying being with each other again.I even
admitted that her affair taught me to never take her for granted like I had
in the past.I took it as a learning experience.Needless to say the fella
is no longer my friend, but I was willing to forgive her and try and move
on.

Here’s where I need advice.Recently she has become friends with a guy
from her work.They have been hanging out.She insists that they are just
friends.That she likes him as a person and that she would NEVER hurt me
like that again.She tells me she loves me more than anyone, but that she
is allowed to have guy friends.Last night they watched a movie together
and when I found out I flipped my lid.She got upset with me and told me
that I was being controlling and jealous.Hell yeah I was jealous!She
says that she has always had guy friends and that she would never let it
develop into anything.She just likes him as a person and that he knows she
is with me. She insists that I have it all wrong and that I need to trust
her.

Needless to say, I am going crazy with thoughts of her and him getting
cozy on the couch together, which she insists is not the case.I can’t help
but be jealous and hurt by this.I know I am extra-sensitive due to what
happened not too long ago, but is what she’s doing okay?Do I have the
right to ask her not to hang out with him?

Jealous and confused

You have the right to ask.You don’t have the right to expect that she will then do it.I don’t blame you for feeling vulnerable and paranoid; I would too.But I probably wouldn’t have taken her back if I felt I couldn’t trust her, which is exactly what’s going on here.

You have to decide whether you can trust her going forward or not, and then you have to stick with that decision.Neither choice is “wrong,” but if you’re still not there in terms of believing that she’s going to stay faithful to you, well, you’re not — and she needs to know that, and maybe breaking up is a better choice if that’s the case.Because, yes, she could be a little more sensitive to the fact that this is a painful issue for you — but if it is in fact totally innocent, how long does she have to attenuate her social life so you feel comfortable?No, seriously: six months?A year?Forever?

Again, I’m not saying she didn’t hurt you and I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel the way you feel about this.I’m saying that a relationship will not survive without a certain baseline level of trust, and that if you really can’t bear the thought of her spending any along time with other guys, to the point where you want to forbid it, then it’s a problem that’s going to keep coming up and coming up, and eventually it’s going to break you up, because you can’t forgive her.

And…you don’t have to forgive her.You don’t have to make a command decision that that assignation with your friend was a one-time thing stemming from tough times in your relationship and that it probably won’t be repeated.But if you don’t do those things…it’s going to kill your relationship eventually.

You need to trust her at least enough to speak frankly about all this to her.Tell her it’s very difficult for you; tell her you do feel jealous and you do want to control who she spends time with, and you realize that’s not reasonable, but under the circumstances, it’s how you feel, and the two of you should figure out how you proceed from there.But you are going to have to either trust her, or act like you trust her and hope your emotions catch up with the pretending, because otherwise it’s a guaranteed vicious cycle of resentment and you’ll break up anyway.

Decide now whether this is a deal-breaker and act accordingly.

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