Hi Sars —

Like many other advice seekers, I’m going to have to start with “so there’s
this boy.” So there’s this boy, I’ve known him for about five months, and in
that time he’s become one of my favorite friends. He’s smart, funny,
politically active, blah blah, everything I like. He’s also been pretty
obviously attracted to me from the beginning, and the feeling is
unfortunately not mutual.

I’d thought for a while that romantic feelings on
my part might develop if I gave it time, since we hang out quite a bit and I
enjoy his company so much, but it’s just not there. The problem is that I
recieved an email from him yesterday saying that there’s something he wants
to tell me, and he wants to do it in person, and it would mean a lot to him,
et cetera. This is pretty obviously going to be one of those “feelings”
conversations, and I really don’t want to hurt him or lose his friendship.

The problem is compounded by the fact that I’ve made out with him while
drunk on a few occasions while testing my “maybe I could be interested if I
just tried harder” phase. This was after we’d had a conversation about
relationships suck and neither of us is interested in any such entanglements
in the near future with anyone, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal,
but here it is.

My question is: what does one say in these situations? How
do I say “I’m just not attracted to you, sorry about the misleading drunken
action” without being hurtful? I value his friendship, and it’s been my
experience that often when a boy finds out you don’t want to date them, they
no longer want to be your friend, and I really don’t want to see that happen
this time.

Thanks,
Should Have Kept Tongue In Own Mouth

Dear Should Have,

It’s almost impossible to say what you want to here without hurting his feelings, but if you respect him as a friend and you want to get past it in the future, you should say it anyway.You don’t have to do it harshly, or get into detail, but you do have to make it plain that you don’t feel that way about him, regardless of the drunken make-outs (which actually simplified the issue for you, in a way).

It might affect your friendship in the short term; he might decide that he doesn’t want to hang out for a while, but it’s better to have this ooky conversation now so that he can start getting over it than to let it drag on and give him false hope.

Just rip the Band-Aid off.It’s wince-y, but it’s best.

Dear Sars:

Normally I go to either of my best friends when I have a problem, and their advice is often the same even though they don’t know each other, but my recent problem is bringing conflicting advice from them. A little background on me: I’m in college. I dated this guy for a month last semester, and my schoolwork failed horribly because of it. I made the decision not to get involved for a while so that I could work on homework and bringing up my GPA.

Last Saturday, my best friend “Anne” who goes to school with me invited me to go to Canada with one of her sorority sisters, “Dawn,” who is also a friend of mine. The guy Dawn was interested in and four of his guy friends came with us. It took us awhile to get up there; we got lost, but finally made it to the club/bar. We all had a few drinks and then some of us (the three girls and three of the guys) went out on the dance floor. Dawn and her guy started dancing, and Anne and one of the guys she’d ridden up with started dancing. So, the third guy, “Jeff,” and I started dancing.

Anyway, as the night went on Jeff and I danced a lot and we shared a bunch of kisses. He was also so sweet, always wanting to just be touching, like holding hands or having me sit on his lap and so on. On the drive home he passed out in my lap but was always holding my hand or caressing my leg.Anyway, after getting lost AGAIN, we made it back to campus. I said good night to him and went up to wait for Anne so I could go to sleep ’cause it was six in the morning.

Sunday day I chilled in my room and met Anne and Dawn for dinner. We ended up sitting with the guys from the night before and they invited us to their Superbowl party. Jeff was at dinner, but he didn’t say anything to me. I was like, whatever, but Anne and I went to the boys’ room later and we all had a few drinks. The guy Anne had hooked up with the night before had made her a CD ’cause he really liked her and Dawn and “her” guy were cuddling on the couch; Jeff on the other hand said like nothing to me.

Now it’s a few days later and I keep seeing Jeff around campus, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really like him. I want to get to know him better, but I’m too chicken to do anything about it. My other best friend, who is 14,000 miles away, and a friend who attends classes here, tell me to just go for it. Talk to him, and ask him to chill. Anne on the other hand isn’t really saying anything per se, but if I’m reading her right she doesn’t think there’s a future for me and Jeff at all. She does however have a lot of drama in her life and doesn’t really want to get involved in anyone else’s.

I’ve hooked up with a few guys in similar situations in the past, and gone on to be friends with or never see them again, but I really think I like Jeff. I’ve talked to him a couple times when he’s been around his friends, and I have his SN but I’m afraid to IM him. After reading all this, do you think I should go for it, IM him, and hope that we become friends, or have I let myself be played by a player, something I’ve always prided myself on being able to avoid, and just try and distance myself from him and his friends for a while.I hope this isn’t too long but I had a hard time shortening it.

Sincerely,
Not sure where to go from here

Dear Not Sure,

If you want to go for it, you should go for it — then you’ll know, one way or the other, and if he’s not interested, well, that sucks, but you’ll move on.

But with that said, I have to side with Anne here.She’s more familiar with the situation, I think, than the other friends you’ve mentioned, and presumably she’s gotten information or signals or something that indicate to her that Jeff isn’t into it…and, actually, so have you.He didn’t say anything to you the next day.He apparently hasn’t tried to contact you since the night you hooked up.Now, maybe that’s shyness, but taken together with Anne sort of intimating that she doesn’t think you should bother…you probably shouldn’t bother.

I also have to wonder how you’ve “come to the conclusion that” you like him.You’ve only hung out once, really — what is it about him that appeals to you?Because it sounds to me like it’s partly that he kind of blew you off — that he’s hard to get.I’ve liked guys for that reason, too, but it only leads to madness, trust me, so do a gut-check before you try to get into it with Jeff.

Dear Sars –-

I have a problem, and I hope you can help me.I have a mouse in my house.And I’ve heard that where there’s one, there’s probably two or more.I am a very clean person and I don’t leave food around or anything, but just in case, I gave the house a thorough cleaning, and now I am at a loss as to how to get rid of them.

Now, I know you love cats and probably think I should get one –- and I agree, but I’m getting ready to move in about six weeks and would prefer to wait until after that to get a pet.But my problem is that I don’t know how to get rid of the mice -– traps and glue dishes seem cruel, as does poison, plus I don’t want to stumble upon a mouse corpse in a few weeks.Do you know of any humane ways to get rid of them?

Thanks -–

Wants to live alone again

Dear Alone,

If you move in six weeks, my advice is to just store all of your food in the fridge and leave it for the next tenants to deal with.

If you really can’t deal with the rodent issue, though, I think you can buy a plug-in sound-wave thingamabob that emits a pulse of sound that rodents hate — you could find something like that at K-Mart or another big general-store-type place.Or you can borrow a cat from a friend for a few days; I used to lend out the Hobe to friends of mine in Hoboken, and even though he mostly hid in the bathroom, the mice smelled him and beat feet out of there.(Another trick that works if you can’t borrow a cat is to station baggies of “previously owned” kitty litter at various key points in the house for a few days.Same effect — mice smell it and blow town.)

But really, if it’s only six weeks, just wish them luck and start putting your bread in the freezer.

Dear Sars,

I’ve been meaning to write you about this for awhile, but I haven’t been able to figure out exactly how to put my problem in words. I have to try, though, because this has been eating at me.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just about two years now. Everything is good when he’s around, and I love him very much. He’s a bit older (I am 25, he’s 37), which was kind of weird at first, but we’ve pretty much decided it is a non-issue. We’re also pretty far separated financially speaking, which has been more problematic, since neither of us wants a sugar-daddy sort of thing. My lack of funds often limits what we can do, and I have no desire at all to be reliant on him financially. Still, we’ve managed to make a go of it.

The problem is that I am always thinking (read: fantasizing) about other guys. I did cheat on him once, but that was barely after we’d starting dating and I wasn’t sure where our relationship was going yet. I’ve never told him about it, and it does bother me, but I know it would hurt him to know and I’d only be cleansing myself of my guilt — good earned guilt I deserve to be tortured by.

Anyway, while it makes financial sense for me to have a restricted social life, I have also cut myself off from the world because I don’t trust myself. I cheated left and right on my last boyfriend, and I love this one too much to hurt him like that. But it’s gotten to the point where our social lives are nonexistent. We stay in and watch movies or TV, and I have essentially cut off all my old friends (a major reason for the latter part of that being that my group of friends includes several of the guys I’ve been fantasizing about).

So, I guess what I’m asking is, am I just too screwed up to ever be in a real relationship? It’s supposedly natural to think about other people than your partner, but I can’t help but feel guilty about it, especially considering my past. I feel it’s inevitable that I will want out, even when I look at him and just adore him totally. I have no faith in myself at all. Is this natural, to be this constantly anxious when you really love someone?

A Spazz in Love and War

Dear Spazzola,

It’s natural to fantasize about people other than your partner from time to time, sure, but this is different.You do have a history of cheating, and the possibility that you might do it again is causing you serious anxiety.

I would look at why you’ve cheated in the past — on your current boyfriend and on past ones.You say that you feel “it’s inevitable that [you] will want out” — why?What’s going on there?When you’ve cheated on people in the past, what led up to that?”I got drunk” is not an answer; something else acted as a catalyst.Did you feel smothered?Did you want to whammy the relationship yourself before the guy had a chance to do it?Do you feel uncomfortable deep down with getting close to people, relying on them, trusting them?

Try to figure out why you’ve done it in the past, and what’s tempting you away from your boyfriend this time.It’s not the irresistible allure of the other guys, not really.It’s something inside you that makes you want to fuck things up.Find out what that thing is.

Sars —

I really need a woman’s perspective on this question.My marriage is ending soon (not my choice, but she’s made up her mind and nothing I can do about it) and I’m contemplating the various pitfalls of meeting and eventually dating other women.It’s been a very long time since I last dated (the marriage lasted longer than you’ve been alive, I believe) and much has changed.

I’m slowly trying to learn to be more social than I have been in the past, and have recently gone to lunch with several women at work.It’s a fairly safe way for me to begin relating to other women socially, because these folks know me and know I’m married, there are no expectations of anything beyond lunch and conversation.However, I expect to widen my circle of interactions to women who don’t know me yet (like the one who works in the same building and smiles nicely and says hi if we pass in the hall), but who I’d like to get to know in advance of my eventual freedom, and perhaps date in the future.

Which finally brings me to the question.After asking them out to lunch or coffee, when is the appropriate time to let them know of my marital status and planned change in same?I mean, if their motivation to spend time with me might be because they are also looking for someone, would it be viewed as leading them on if I don’t bring up the subject immediately?But if their expectation is only lunch and conversation with no future involvement beyond that, would it be presumptious of me to mention the forthcoming divorce (like I’m trying to date early, or scam them with an old story — a “my wife doesn’t understand me” kind of thing)?Any other advice related to these questions is also gratefully accepted.

Thanks much,
A confused old guy

Dear Old Guy,

Hmm — interesting question.I would say, wait for a natural opening in the conversation that allows you to pass along the information without it feeling forced.”Oh, you just got back from Italy?My wife — well, soon-to-be-ex-wife, actually, but she and I went to Florence years ago.”Something like that.It’s on-topic, so to speak, but it also gets your status out on the table.

Some women will take it in stride and some won’t, but you don’t seem inclined to cover it up, and that’s really the key — I don’t have a ton of experience with this situation, but I can tell you that, while the fact that a guy is going through a divorce isn’t a deal-breaker, any lying he does about it is.Just tell the truth.The rest will work itself out.

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