Sars,

I would appreciate your advice on an unpleasant situation involving my parents and their dog.

A few years ago, when it was evident that neither my brother nor I would be living at home anymore, my mother got a dog.This came as a bit of a surprise to the family as my parents had refused to let us have pets when we lived at home.Before we knew it, the dog had become their third child.Unfortunately, their pound puppy had been severely abused in a previous home and on top of needing surgery to repair some physical injuries, she had developed some mental issues as well.

Since my parents got the dog, their day-to-day dealings with her have made it difficult to enjoy visiting them.They truly treat her like a baby — including insisting on bringing the dog everywhere with them.The only exception is when they are at work, and they do employ a dog sitter to not just walk the dog, but to generally hang out with her during summer weeks.Aside from that, the dog is always with them.They have hardly made the trip to see my brother or me since getting the dog, though they used to visit frequently.When I am at home, I can’t go out with my mother because it isn’t fair to leave the dog home alone.They will not put the dog in another room at meal times, though she begs incessantly and my father routinely gives half of his food to the dog.My room when I go home just happens to be “the dog’s room,” so they march through each morning at 6 AM to let the dog out the back door.The dog peed on my bed on Christmas Eve, which I found out after hopping in, and which my parents found to be amusing, if not justified since I was in her room.Following a long, tear-filled chase when the dog escaped from the car at a bus station a couple of years ago, my mother promised she wouldn’t bring her to the station anymore.The dog has been waiting in the car every time I’ve gotten off the bus since.

The heinous part of the story is that their dog has bitten people on three occasions.No one has been injured enough to require medical attention, but all had marks from the bites and were certainly scared.The incidents have been spread out over several years and after each one my parents have pledged that the dog is not going to be brought to gatherings in the future.A child was bitten at Thanksgiving and the remainder of the holiday weekend consisted of my mother bawling and both of my parents solemnly swearing that this third strike meant that the dog would absolutely never ever be taken out of the house again unless she was going to the veterinarian’s office.

Now, about a month later, my parents, brother, and I are planning our annual week at a lake and they want to bring the dog.My brother and I have demanded that the dog be kenneled during vacation.My parents are refusing, as they always have in the past, to go anywhere without their dog.”She loves to swim!”These failed negotiations have led to the crumbling of what had always been a fun vacation.

I assure you that a few years ago my parents would have been appalled to see people act just the way they are acting now.I feel that they have drastically changed since adopting Cujo.I have tried every approach with them when discussing the dog — including focusing on potential lawsuits, the safety of other people, and the safety of their beloved dog.I have suggested that by bringing their abused dog into contact with strangers, they are putting her in a situation where she is afraid, acts out, and could ultimately lose her life as a result of biting someone.This seems to make an all too brief impact.The behavior issues of the dog, and worse still, those of my parents, have been the source of numerous family fights as well as a general tension between people.I am really looking forward to any advice you can provide.

Sincerely,

I swear to God my parents were normal until my “baby sister” came along

Dear Baby,

I suppose, if you rent a place to stay (vs. going to a lake cottage the family owns), that you could look for — or fabricate — a clause that bars animals from accompanying guests, but that won’t address the larger issue, which is basically that your parents have suffered no ill consequences as a result of the dog’s behavior, or theirs in relation to it.The dog pees in your bed, and your parents walk through the room you stay in while you’re trying to sleep — but you continue to stay there.The dog should not be brought to the station to pick you up — but you get in the car anyway.The dog bites — but nobody among your parents’ family or friends has explicitly barred her from gatherings.

I know it’s your home, I know you don’t particularly want to have to stay in hotels or arrange for your own transportation when you visit, and I know you’d rather avoid confrontation, but if your parents insist on putting the dog ahead of everyone else in their lives, maybe it’s time for them to get a better look at what that really means.Inform your parents calmly that the dog can’t come to the lake; you understand that they love her and that she “loves to swim” (…Jesus H.), but she’s disruptive and hostile, and you will not go to the lake if she’s there because vacation is supposed to be relaxing.Next time you go home for a visit, inform your parents calmly that if the dog isn’t kept off your bed, and let out a different door while you’re sleeping, you will stay somewhere else; when they whine that that room is the dog’s, which they will, say that that’s fine, and arrange for a hotel room.Note dispassionately that if they want to put the dog before you, that’s their choice, but you’re not required to pretend you enjoy it.

Don’t engage; don’t negotiate; don’t fight about it.Just tell your parents how things are with you now, namely that you don’t want to be awakened, bitten, or made to wait to go to the mall while your mother fills her pockets with biscuits — and you won’t any longer.Get your brother to back you up on this.

I think your parents behave this way because of some kind of empty-nest thing; I’m not unsympathetic to that, up to a point, but a kid getting bitten is well past that point.It should be evident to them that the dog is alienating people, which is no doubt the opposite of their intention in getting her…but it isn’t evident, apparently, because everyone continues to allow the dog to run things, and that will go on as long as you let it.

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