The Vine: August 29, 2007
Hello Sars,
I feel foolish writing this, but here goes.
Some of my friends think that I have a problem. I don’t think I do, but since they mentioned it to me, it’s been bugging me, so I thought I’d find out what you think. They think that my preference in TV actors is affecting my social life.
I am twenty-two years old and have never gone out with a guy for longer than a few weeks. These relationships were healthy and fun, but they just fizzled out or distance and timing became factors too large to ignore. I go out regularly and have a good time, but I haven’t had a serious THIS COULD BE IT boyfriend. This doesn’t bother me. I’m not in denial or anything: I’m just not looking for that right now. I have a particular group of friends, all of whom are in or have had serious relationships, and they think I’m missing out or something’s wrong with me. A couple of days ago, we were chatting about of favourite TV characters and friend M said, “That must be your problem. You lust after these old guys on TV that you wouldn’t want in real life anyway and it’s fucking you up. You’re using them as stand-ins for a serious boyfriend.” Now, my taste in fake-TV-boyfriends does lean towards older men, but it’s the characters I like and chat on the TWoP boards about, not the real men. I’m sure Hugh Laurie is a lovely man, but it’s Dr. House that I adore and spend my Tuesday nights drooling over. I told them this, but they all seem to think friend M’s theory is correct. I told them it was bullshit and they dropped it.
Two days later I’m still thinking about it. The guys I’ve dated in the past are all around my age and I have no interest dating a guy that’s a lot older than I am, but I haven’t had a real boyfriend. Is that weird? Do you think my TV crushes are affecting my real-life love life? Is there something obvious that I can’t see or am ignoring? This seems ridiculous, but if it is a problem, I’d like to address it. Or are my friends being assholes because they can’t appreciate the sexily smouldering Jack Bauer and don’t want me to either?
Thanks for your input.
Detective Robert Goren (Season 3) Is My TV Soul Mate. Tell Me It’s Not Wrong.
Dear It’s Not, Except…Well, I Don’t Know About You But When He Started Getting All Crazy-Eyes About Olivia d’Abo, It Turned Me Off A Little Bit,
Your TV crushes are fantasies, and the fantasy aspect is, really, the whole point of them — that these men are successful, attractive, competent professionals who do not live with their moms, do not forget to call you, do not have problems getting along with a few of your friends, do not forget to groom their nose hair…you get the idea. They’re safe. You don’t have to commit to them. You don’t have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with them; they won’t make you cry (…probably; Dr. House sometimes gets me a little misty in his hang-out scenes with Wilson).
Do you actually think you’re going to date one of these guys? No, of course not. Does daydreaming about it hurt your chances of getting into a serious relationship? Well, maybe; part of getting a relationship to succeed is understanding that the other person isn’t perfect, that sometimes even the people we love who love us back will get on our nerves or hurt our feelings by mistake. It can take years to really get, on an emotional level and not just an intellectual one, that being in love doesn’t mean you’re happy every second and that that’s okay, that life isn’t a 1-800-Flowers commercial; I certainly didn’t figure it out until I was past 30. But focusing your romantic energy on guys who are remote and unattainable, and therefore untroublesome, might keep you from seeing or taking advantage of opportunities that are in front of you.
But the other thing to remember is that getting into a serious romantic relationship is not the be-all and end-all — at least, not for its own sake. It’s not something you should do just because your peer group thinks it’s time, or it’s something they’re all doing. Staying single has many things to recommend it; it could have recommended me another half an hour of sleep this morning instead of having to walk home from Skyrockets’s house, for example. And I like having a boyfriend just fine, but mostly, I like having this boyfriend.
So, you want to wait until the guy comes along who, you look at him and you’re like, “Took you long enough, I’ve been expecting you.” But by the same token, you don’t want to expect d’Onofrio to show up, and then have that prevent you from appreciating Noth, if you know what I mean. Just don’t use it as an excuse not to relate to real people.
Tags: boys (and girls) popcult
