Hi Sars,

I want to break up with my live-in boyfriend but I don’t know how.

Let me explain to you how I got where I am now. First, the practical stuff: M and I met on the internet and he moved across a few states to be with me. After a year or so we moved across a few more states together. M’s car broke down after the first trip so we only have mine. The money in our joint bank account (yes, I was dumb enough to link our accounts with one savings account) is all from my savings over the years. Pretty much everything in the apartment is my stuff since he originally left all his furniture and such behind. Even the apartment itself is being paid by my parents who are helping us out while we find jobs. My point is, I would feel terrible about leaving him when he has nothing to fall back on and nowhere to go. His job prospects don’t even look good down here. I also have no idea how people go about splitting up the belongings since I’ve never broken up with someone who’s lived with me.

But here’s the real problem; M is an emotional time-bomb. He suffers from depression, he angers easily, he’s paranoid, pessimistic, a drama queen, and a complainer. (Maybe now you understand why I need to break up with him?) I really care about him and I truly wanted to get him through his depression but I know I just can’t handle it. I’ve begged him to get therapy but he refuses. Even if he did magically get better I doubt I can get over all the things he’s done to me and the way he’s treated me. In the past he’s mentioned that he would kill himself if we ever got separated in any way.

I really want to make it out of this but sometimes I don’t even know if I have the strength to end it. I’m afraid of what will happen. Please give me any advice you can.

Sincerely,

M’s Not The Only Depressed One Here

Dear One,

It’s time to go.It’s going to be an enormous hassle, but there’s no way around it; he’s ill, he won’t get help, you’re miserable, and things won’t improve, so don’t let your furniture dictate the course of your life.Admit you made a mistake and start taking steps to correct it.

The first step, in my view, is to contact your parents and tell them exactly what’s going on.The living situation is a problem given that they pay your rent and, if you move out, I presume that M is not on the lease, can’t afford the apartment on his own (or at all), and has nowhere else to go, so you need to discuss that issue with your parents.Figure out how it’s going to work for M after you move out.

And understand: you have to move out.You have to pack a bag, you have to tell him you’re leaving because you’re unhappy and he won’t get help, and you have to leave right then.Have someone there — your dad, a friend — waiting to pick you up.Do not tell M where you’re going, do not make any promises or lie that you “just need some space,” and do not dally.Find a safe place for any pets to stay, throw a week’s worth of clothes in a suitcase, and leave.Better yet, get him out of the house for an afternoon and move as much shit out as you can so you don’t have to come back.

This may sound overly dramatic, but there isn’t going to be any gradual or amicable breakup with this guy.If you have mutual friends whom you can ask to check in with M after you go because you’re worried about his safety, that’s great, but really, he’s holding you hostage by threatening to kill himself if you leave, and you really do need to do whatever is necessary to extricate yourself from the situation — and if that means he comes home to find that you’ve taken your portion of the joint checking and all the furniture and not left a number, that’s what it means.If that means you have to leave all the furniture in order not to get bogged down in an extended negotiation with him about it, that’s what it means.If that means you have to move back with your parents and start from scratch, that’s what it means.

It’s very difficult and very complicated; any stuff you leave there is probably a write-off, he’s going to get really angry, you’ll feel horribly guilty and believe all the shit he’s going to say about you on your voicemail — it’s going to suck.But he’s not pulling his weight in any aspect of this relationship, he treats you like shit, and you really can’t continue to tolerate it.

Call your parents, put together an escape plan, and deploy it, as soon as possible.And when you’ve gotten free, learn from his mistakes and get therapy of your own, to figure out why you would put up with his emotional blackmail, on top of supporting him financially and putting yourself in a situation that’s so hard to get out of.

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