Sars,

A few months back, you published a query from my sister who was wondering whether or not to leave her husband, who was abusive. I believe the main concern in her letter was what would be best for her son, who is now 16 months old. Ultimately, you advised her to leave the jerk.

And so she did.

After doing so, “Cindy” and her son moved to my parents’ house. Shortly afterwards, it was time for me to do some moving of my own. I left my one-bedroom apartment and moved into a four-bedroom house pretty much right down the street. Since I highly doubted Cindy wanted to shack up with our parents forever, I invited her and the tyke to come share the house with me. However, as Cindy left her marriage with no money and no job, she told me it would be a couple of months until she could move. Well, the magical time has arrived and she will be moving in next month, which is less than a week away.

Since the time Cindy left her husband, which was only now approximately three to four months ago, several things have changed in her life. She took a job as a security guard and is now sleeping with/”dating” her boss, who coincidentally happens to be married (as is she still, technically). She has become a ridiculously lazy parent and has completely lost the respect of my parents and me due to her recent actions. On several occasions, after giving her keys to my house about a month ago, I came home from work and found things in complete disarray, because she was essentially using my house as a cheap hotel for her and Married Man while paying me no rent. Many times when she would come to visit and bring her son (and on ocassion Married Man), I would end up being responsible for her kid even when she was in the same room.

There have been little things as well…I come home and find she has used my phone, or used my computer, which would be fine if I were here at the same time and she was asking me to do so, but of course that’s not the case. This morning had to be the ultimate, though, in flagrant disregard for others. My sister, Married Man, and my nephew were all visiting. I went to take a shower and instructed my nephew to go upstairs with Cindy and Married Man. When I was done showering, I went back to my room to find my nephew there playing there…to make a long story short, Cindy and Married Man were in her room having sex while her son was in there with them…when he then wandered into my room, she was slow on the draw to get him because she had to get dressed first.

My question here is, should I still allow Cindy to move in with me, or post for a roommate? At this point, I would just as soon tell her to fend for herself, but if she gets her own place I can’t help but think my nephew will become completely neglected and subject to things like he was today to which children should not be subjected. I do not have any children of my own, but even though I am only 19 years old I feel I am far more competent to raise a child than she is. I’m stuck between whether to allow her irresponsible actions to affect me or my nephew. My parents and I have no idea what else to do, because after several talks with her she has not seemed to see the error of her ways. Any advice you might be able to offer would be greatly helpful…

Signed,
Send me a TN smack in the head ’cause I know someone who could use it

She’s had a rough go of it with her husband and the divorce, and I think she’s reacting against all of that, so it’s entirely possible that she’ll normalize in a month or two and get her act a little more together, but until that happens, you shouldn’t live with her. She has no respect for you or your possessions; she doesn’t seem to have any concept of what’s appropriate. It’s good of you to worry about your nephew, but unless you want to get stuck babysitting every minute you’re in the house, I think you’d better find a more reliable housemate.

Make it clear when you tell her that you love her and you support her and you know she’s had a hard time, but that until things stabilize a bit, you’d rather live with non-family for the time being. She’s going to promise to act right, but don’t back down. She probably will act right, but wait to see the proof before you let her move in.

Hi,I’ve told my problem to some friends, and the advice they’ve given is probably pretty close to what you’ll say, but I think I need someone who doesn’t care so much about me personally to yell at me a bit, because the friends are wonderful, but just not getting through. I’m bulimic, or steadily getting there anyhow. The binge/purge cycles have gone from once or twice a month to weekly to almost daily, and I’m seeing it as less and less of a “big deal” the more that I do it, even though I do know how sick and gross and unhealthy it really is.

To back up a little, I have a history of eating disorders. About two and a half years ago I was in therapy to deal with the early stages of anorexia, combined with a little induced vomiting. I was 15 at that time, and my parents knew about my problems; my mom and I fought about them often. No one in my family knows I am bulimic now, or that I have any eating issues at all. It was very painful for both of my parents to watch me hurt myself before, and I can’t bring myself to tell them that I am doing it again. I don’t want them to worry so much about me, especially not right before I’ll be going away to college. I want to move far away, and I’m having a hard enough time convincing them I am ready.

As I mentioned before, my closest friends do know my “little secret” (having someone to “confess” to makes it a little easier), and they have all asked me to quit. As one of them pointed out, I am a very intelligent and reasonable person, too intelligent and reasonable to be doing something like this. I can’t just stop on my own, but I can’t bring myself to confess to my parents, though I sometimes think I would like to go back to my old psychologist. I am eighteen, but I couldn’t afford making appointments on my own, and her office is two hours away (we tried closer therapists, but they either didn’t know much about teens or I just couldn’t feel comfortable around them). Is there anything else I can do? Or should I suck it up and fess to Mom and Dad?

Praying to the Porcelain God

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Dear Praying,It’s an eating disorder; it doesn’t have thing one to do with intelligence and reason. It’s a disease, and you can no longer manage it on your own. Every day that goes by without you seeking treatment, the deeper you get into the cycle and the further you endanger your physical health. Tell your parents — and get them to send you to a different psychologist, as I don’t think your former therapist addressed your issues in anything like a thorough enough way.

I know you don’t want to upset your parents, and I know you don’t want to jeopardize your chance to go away to college, but I think the acceleration of the bulimia is directly related to your going away — I think it’s your way asserting control over your environment and redirecting your anxieties about starting a new life, and about your parents’ approval, into anxieties about food. Until you can find a more positive way to deal with those anxieties, I think you aren’t ready to go away to school.

That’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Plenty of people start college a little late for whatever reason — finances, meh grades, trying to get their heads together — and most of those people really benefit from not rushing into a situation they aren’t ready for. You need to do what it takes to start getting better, and let the rest of it sort itself out.

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Hi Sars,I need some advice. My boyfriend, “Jay,” and I have been dating for four years, and living together for seven months. We’ve discussed marriage and both feel ready for it, and I have a feeling The Proposal will be coming soon.

The problem? I’m terrified of having a wedding. I’m a little shy in general but not to the extreme…but when I’m in a situation involving speaking in front of people and being the center of attention, I can’t handle it. In college, whenever I had to speak in front of the class for only a few minutes, I would literally come close to passing out from being so terrified. It was a physical reaction that would just happen, even in front of a group of people I knew well and felt comfortable with.

So…I know that standing and speaking in front of others at my wedding would likely lead to me passing out, throwing up, or a combination of the two.

I’ve sort of brought this up with Jay, and while he is supportive, I don’t really think he grasps how terrified I am of it. I’ve mentioned a few times that wouldn’t it be fun if just the two of us ran off and got married in Hawaii or Vegas or something, and he plays along, but I can tell deep down he wants at least his close family (two parents, three brothers, sister-in-law, and grandma) at the wedding. And while I totally understand why he would want that, I’m pretty sure I would still have a panic-attacky reaction in front of even a small, intimate crowd.

What can I do? I don’t think it’s fair of me to deny his having his family present at our wedding. But I’ve tried everything over the years to ease my fear of public speaking — pretending the audience isn’t there, pretending I’m just speaking to one person, picturing the audience in underwear, blah blah blah. But I can’t get over it so I don’t know how to deal with a wedding.

Signed,
Nervous

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Dear Nervous,Before you do anything or make any decisions about the issue, tell Jay exactly what you just told me. Make it as plain as you can that 1) although the thought of a wedding numbering more than three people fills you with nauseated dread, 2) you realize it’s kind of beyond and you’re going to try to compromise.

Now, start looking for a therapist — a specific kind of therapist. What you want is a behaviorist who can give you specific mental and physical strategies for dealing with your particular breed of anxiety; I believe therapists do exist who offer specific “short courses” for terrified brides-to-be and can help you come up with a short-term plan for gutting out the ceremony and reception. Maybe it’s breathing exercises; maybe it’s Xanax (which will do it, trust me). Either way, a pro can help you here.

Of course, it might behoove you (damn…I just said “behoove.” Drink!) to seek more general therapy so that all of these situations come a little easier to you, but as far as just getting through the wedding, tool around on the Web and see if there’s a behaviorist in your area who specializes in “occasion anxiety.”

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Dear Sars,I have a slight problem that I’d really appreciate your outside opinion on. I apologize if this is lengthy. Well, it all started in high school. When I was a junior, I met That Boy. You know, that one is so cute and funny and so gosh-darn perfect that you don’t even want to be with other boys?

That Boy and I were friends and flirted a lot, and I was infatuated with him. This continued until we were both in college. The flirting became more extreme and my obsession kept growing. One night, he kissed me, we made out, and we started dating. I was ecstatic to finally be with That Boy. He’d tell me stuff like “every day keeps getting better with you!” and all that crap. However, it lasted about three weeks, and then he broke up with me online (yes, online) out of nowhere. He said we were on different levels, that he felt like a jerk for doing what he did, but promised we’d still be friends. We talked online a few times, but then he started ignoring me, and now we’re basically enemies.

Now for the question part. I met a New Boy, and we’ve been dating for about a year now. We’re in love with each other, and things have been great. It’s nice, laid-back, and fun with New Boy. However, I still see That Boy all over the place. That Boy has a girlfriend who, I found out from a mutual friend, he started dating right after me (so I’m assuming he broke up with me for her). Whenever I run into That Boy, he makes a big scene of “avoiding” me. Basically, the way he does it seems like he thinks that if I see him, I’m going to run up to him and beg him to be my boyfriend again (even though he has seen me with New Boy). Example: That Boy pointed me out to his friend, who then called out That Boy’s full name extremely loudly in the hallway, and That Boy was all, “Dude, shut up!”

On the other hand, my friend thinks it’s because he’s ashamed of his girlfriend, who is very odd-looking (not that I’m anything above average). Anyway, you have no idea how much it pisses me off to think that That Boy thinks I still have feelings for him. The only feelings I have toward him are of hurt and practically hatred.

I would really like to go up to him and just tell him off, since I have never expressed to him how dick the whole situation was. The question is, should I go off on him and let him know that I don’t give a shit about him and that he needs to get over his ego? Or should I just let it go and continue ignoring him? Please help!

Sincerely,
Pissed Off

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Dear Pissed,The expression “how dick” is awesome, and you may consider it stolen.

In other news, here’s what you do. The next time you see That Guy around school, run up to him and tell him you really REALLY need to talk to him. Try to make it sound like you have tears in your throat. Say that you really want him back and you can’t imagine your life without him and how did things go SO WRONG?! When he gets that perfect look of terror, change your tone back to normal and go, “Except not really, so why don’t you grow the fuck up and get over yourself?” Stalk off.

He’s going to tell the story to all his friends like, “Bitch crazy,” but you know what? Fuck him. Show his ass up.

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Dear Sars,I wrote a few months ago concerning my recent involvement with a man who a) dated my sister over a decade ago, b) is best friends with a man I had dated not long beforehand, and c) is going through a divorce. I thank you for your advice, and it was heeded. I proceeded with caution, and this man — let’s call him “Hooper” — and I have enjoyed a nice and easy relationship. We see each other once a week or so and have some form of contact every day.

As the weeks have gone on, I have found myself liking Hooper more and more. I’m not saying I’ve fallen in love with him or anything of that sort, but I do really enjoy spending time with him. Here’s the thing — the relationship between Hooper and myself is completely separate from the lives of him and his friends. That normally means that I do not see him on the weekends. This did not completely bother me in action, but in theory it did. So last night I decided to bring up the fact that I felt uncomfortable with certain aspects of the relationship. We ended up discussing anything and everything that had been on our minds that both of us had been too wimpy to talk about before. It was a fantastic conversation and we were able to figure out what the majority of this roadblock of ours consisted of. It was broken down to the fact that neither he nor I felt completely comfortable hanging out with his friends because of my previous involvement. We realized that we had to get over it, and decided that we needed to just do it.

Here’s the thing. The relationship I had with his best friend — let’s call him “McSweeny” — was one that is hard to define. Well, maybe not. When we started dating, I had just gotten out of a somewhat serious relationship that had followed a very serious one, so I decided that I needed something casual. We embarked on essentially a casual sexual relationship for a while. After not too long, I realized that I was simply not built for that sort of thing, and it ended amicably with few, almost no words to that effect, and we continued being friendly. We emailed and that sort of thing but never got together again, which was fine with me. During that time I had also gotten to know his friends, and months later ended up getting together with Hooper at a party. I had had a crush on him for a while and I found that he had one on me too.

Here’s my question — exactly how do I act when this happens? I mean, I know his friends — we used to get along fantastically, joking around and whatnot — but this camaraderie stems from a time that I was dating a different member of this tightly knit group. His friends are great, I really like them, but am worried that I am looked on poorly. I have never dated two men within the same social group before. The relationship between Hooper and me has just recently become sexual, and I have certainly never had two sexual partners within the same group. McSweeny is Hooper’s best friend in the world. They really are very close. I am just not sure how to go about this. What to say, how to act, who to talk to, do I act as I once did…any advice would, again, be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again,
Formerly side of poo, now just confused

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Dear Formerly,Honestly? You’re blowing this out of proportion. You had a casual relationship with McSweeny, it ended amicably, he doesn’t appear to have raised any ruckus about your relationship with Hooper so far — it’s just not that big a deal. If the group “looks on you poorly” for dating — gasp! — two whole different guys in the circle, seriously, it’s their sexist problem.

It’s just part of adult life relationships-wise that you sleep with people who know people that you slept with in the past; sometimes that can get sticky, and not in the good way. But it sounds to me like nobody really cares about The McSweeny Complication except you.

[7/1/03]

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