The Vine: July 15, 2003
Please, please, Sars, point “Speechless” with the dad with the drinking problem to Al-Anon or Alateen. She needs community as much as the advice you gave her. Also if you could, please point her to the excellent book by Janet Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics.
It saved my life when my father’s drinking made me think I was crazy and that everything bad in our family and in my life was all my fault.
Thank you.
From an adult daughter of an alcoholic who’s been there
Dear Sars,
I’ve been reading your site for about a year or two, and The Vine for about as long. You always seem to give really good advice, and I’m hoping you can either give me that or, as my grandmother would call it, “a right good kick in the arse.”
The problem is, I’ve been dating a wonderful, amazing, sweet guy for the past eight months or so. We lived in different places at the time we met, so we kept in touch through email, then phone, then we met up…blah blah blah one-thing-led-to-another-cakes. We got to know each other very well, and we moved to the same town, where we began attending university (we met in our respective senior years of high school, we’re both 18 now). I love him very much, we share a lot of the same views, the, ahem, carnal aspect is mindblowing (we were each other’s first), and I truly believe he is The One.
However. (You knew this was coming.)
His roommate, who has also been his best friend for years, is also a really great guy: cute, sweet, smart, the whole shebang. I met him a few months ago when my boyfriend and I moved to town. We kind of hit it off instantly, and my boyfriend was delighted that his best friend and his girl didn’t hate each other’s guts. As was I. We engaged in innocent, joking flirtation. Laugh laugh joke joke tee hee on everybody’s part. And then one day RoommateGuy did the brush-the-hair-out-of-your-eyes thing. Eye contact was made.
Um. Yowza.
And now, due to convenience schedule-wise (we have the same class breaks), we tend to spend quite a bit of time together alone. Lunch, studying, occasional pool game, et cetera. And while things have remained completely and totally platonic, with no move on either part, there seems to be a certain…attraction. Well, on my part, anyway.
The question is, how do I get this guy out of my head? I’m in a loving, committed relationship, but I find myself drawn to somebody else. His best friend, no less. And yes, I consider myself and RoommateGuy to be friends as well, so I don’t particularly want to ignore him. (Which, considering the situation of HE IS IN THE NEXT ROOM ALL THE DAMN TIME, would be pretty awkward.) Also, I probably should have mentioned before, BoyfriendGuy is my first boyfriend, so I don’t know if it’s terribly common to be this attracted to people outside one’s relationship.
In the name of all things Tomato, Sars, please help me.
Sincerely,
I Never Auditioned For The Part Of Torn Woman, It’s Really More The Cameron Diaz or Julia Roberts Role
Dear Torn,
It is pretty common to get crushes on the boyfriend’s friends from time to time. It’s happened to me several times before, but because it’s pretty much not possible, I just allow myself a few naughty daydreams about it and wait for it to pass — and the good news is that it always does.
In other words, I wouldn’t worry too much about getting him out of your head. But if he’s brushing your hair out of your eyes…yeah. You need to not let him do stuff like that, or put yourself in a position where he’s doing stuff like that, because it just complicates matters for you. I don’t think he’d actually take it any further than that, but it’s you who has the commitment to look out for; you might want to take a step back from RoommateGuy, if only for your own comfort.
Hi, Sars! I love your columns.
When I read the letter from “One of the Guys,” it really rang a bell with me. I’m not particularily girly, and most of my friends are guys. Unlike One, though, my problem isn’t that I like them, but I’ve had several guy friends that ended up wanting more from me, and then when I turn them down, they can’t handle being just friends. It’s actually really upsetting for me, as I’ve lost several good friends that way, and it’s made me question whether I can really have guys (at least, single guys) as friends.
The big problem at the moment is with my closest guy friend, who I’ll call “Frank.” We’re both 25 and have been good friends since we met in high school. We haven’t lived near each other since then, but even now, when we live on opposite coasts, when we talk it’s like we still hang out every day.
About two years ago, right before I moved cross-country, Frank was complaining about his girlfriend, and when I consoled him, he confessed that he thought we should be dating. That shouldn’t have come as a surprise, as he had been making weird comments for months, but knowing how shy he is, I couldn’t believe he had worked up the nerve to say anything outright.
I told him I wasn’t interested and that he should forget about it. He helped me move, and after a week in a car with him, it really cemented for me that we were never going to happen.
Fast forward to the past few months, and he’s been making those weird comments again. I don’t know whether I’m being paranoid or not, but hearing things like he’s “waiting until we give up and marry each other out of boredom” kind of annoy me. To say the least.
So, where’s the question in this? I don’t know whether I should say anything about these comments, or if I should just ignore them. I haven’t said anything so far because, to be honest, I don’t know how to say it bothers me without hurting his feelings. How can you tell your best friend you don’t think he’s attractive, and would rather be single than date him, without insulting him? But it’s getting to the point that I almost don’t want to be friends with him anymore if he’s going to be like this.
I’m sorry this is so long, but I really would appreciate your advice. Thanks so much.
Another One of the Guys
Dear Another,
“Frank, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but these comments about our getting married…that isn’t going to happen. Please accept that, and stop bringing it up, because it really makes me uncomfortable. Thanks.”
Simple as that. It’s a pity he can’t take a hint, but if he can’t, he can’t. Tell him to stow it with the marriage remarks.
Dear Sars,
First off, I think your column (and everything else on your site and on TWoP) is great. The advice you give seems very realistic and down-to-earth, and that is why I now ask your opinion on my most current dilemma, as well as apologize in advance if it’s one you’ve heard before.
I guess I’m just one of those people that seem older than they actually are. For three years, literally every person I’ve met has been in total disbelief that I’m still in high school. People usually place me around 22 or so, which, to me, is far more preferable than 17, my real age. Being “mature for my age” has caused me a plethora of problems, the most current and pressing one being my relationship with a friend/former coworker named Scott, age 24.
Scott and I have known each other for eight months. We met at work and pretty much hit it off as friends right away. For the past five months, Scott and I have spent an increasing about of time talking to each other on the phone (several times a week), hanging out, et cetera. He’s easy to talk to, we make each other laugh, and we have a lot of common interests. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but at some point my feelings for him slipped away from platonic despite my best efforts to quell them. I really didn’t want to have a romantically charged agenda…I avoided him for weeks, tried to mentally list all the reasons it would never work out (i.e. he’s seven years older than you, he’s in college), but none of it worked.
Now, to say I worship the ground he walks on is a bit of an overstatement. I don’t want to come across as a flighty high school girl with a crush on a cute college boy. I’m not the kind of person that constantly cultivates fickle feelings for random college guys. In fact, I usually don’t have feelings for people, in general (to the point that people often think I’m asexual, or emotionally scarred, or some kind of childhood trauma victim). I don’t like him because he’s good-looking, or because he’d do something for my reputation, or because he’s a “college guy”…I like him in spite of it. The problem is that I don’t know if the feeling is mutual.
I know I could always just walk up to him and admit that I regularly have un-platonic thoughts about us, and I HAVE tried to hint at it as much as possible without embarrassing myself (he’s just that oblivious), but I really don’t want to ruin the friendship we have if I am rejected. At this point, he’s my best male friend, and I really don’t want to lose that. I can talk to him about anything and everything, except about this. If I were his age, I would be more assured that my feelings were reciprocated, but I just don’t have the confidence to believe that he would date someone my age. He’s never really given me any reason to believe he doesn’t like me that way, but he hasn’t really given me any indication that he does, either. (Though one time he told me, and I quote, “Your age is just a number. It doesn’t mean anything. I’ve never pictured you as just ‘some 17-year-old.'”)
So, in conclusion: What would you do in this type of situation? Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
High School Heartache
Dear Heartache,
Honestly? Leave it. More than likely, you’ll wind up going to college in a different town, and you won’t really see Scott much anymore, so I think the best thing here is to just let it alone.
If he’d expressed an overt romantic interest in you, I might have a different answer for you. But he hasn’t, and if it’s not that your age is an issue (and, in spite of what he’s said, it might actually still be), he’s probably not interested that way; besides, that age difference certainly can work, but it’s not what I’d call ideal. Enjoy your crush on him and your friendship with him, but don’t make any big moves right now.
Hey Sars,
Sorry for the length…it’s complicated!
Okay, here’s the thing: I have an incredible husband of five years. We have a three-year-old son together, and our relationship is great. No problems there.
I also have in-laws. Brutal, insane in-laws. When we got pregnant with our son, we made an arrangement with the parent-in-laws. We’d buy a house with an in-law suite; they’d sell their house, retire, look after our son while we worked, and live with us forever. This arrangement worked fairly well, and I’ve learned to look past their innate strangeness.
We ran into some financial challenges last year, and the in-laws had to move upstairs into our part of the house so that we could rent the basement out. It was either that or have to sell the house. Although it’s had challenges, it’s been okay.
The problem is my husband’s sister. A 26-year-old woman who is literally a cow. She has a massive chip on her shoulder, is about 150 lbs overweight, and treats everyone around her like dirt. She’s never been able to hold down a job, and frequently has to uproot herself and live like a nomad where ever people will have her. She’s always been jealous of me (creepy weird, I know) for interfering with her relationship with her brother.
I thought the problem was gone when she moved to China two months ago to teach English. Except it wasn’t. She had a major gallbladder attack, which apparently they don’t operate on in China. She has to quit her job, come to Canada again, and have surgery or she’ll die. She’s got no money, and no place to stay while she convalesces. Can you see where this is going? I don’t want her in my house. I can’t stand her. But she’s literally got nowhere to go. Help?
Signed,
Love the guy, hate the baggage
Dear Baggage,
I don’t know what you want me to tell you. If you don’t want her in your house, tell her to make other arrangements. She’s an adult.
I assume you’ve got a reason why you haven’t just said, “Sorry, we don’t run a hotel.” Maybe your in-laws insisted that she stay with you for a while and you don’t want to make waves, maybe your husband can’t say no to her — I don’t know. You didn’t give me any information to work with. So, with that said, unless your in-laws own part of the house, whoever signed the mortgage papers is the one who gets to decide who stays and who doesn’t. If that’s you and your husband, sit him down and tell him that you get that she’s got no place to go, but it’s not your problem, and if she must come to stay, she’s got two weeks and then you’ll change the locks — or whatever compromise you come to, but you need to talk to your husband about it. I didn’t get enough background to tell you how to handle it.
Hey Sars,
I’ve thought about writing to The Vine for many different things, but I figure you can help me with this one. My adorable (yet incredibly stupid) kitty is about seven years old. She was a stray we adopted, I loved her a lot, been with us through several cross-world moves, blah blah blah fast forward to present. She’s comfortably situated in a large house with a large yard; we have two dogs and one other cat that don’t bother her at all, she has the run of the household, is fed wet food because she demands it, and yet recently, she keeps throwing up. I mean, chunks are spewing EVERYWHERE. Every time I turn around. As I sat down to write this, throw-up was on the chair.
This is incredibly icky and frustrating, but I’m also worried about her health. She refuses to eat dry food, but we live in Texas, so in the summer I try to give her at least a mix. She looks perfectly fine and acts perfectly fine, and when I asked the vet, he just said it was hairballs and to put olive oil in her food. Well, the puke keeps coming, and I’ve reached my breaking point. What, oh wise owner of cats, should I do?
Thank you in advance,
Starting to feel like a janitor from the Tilt-A-Whirl
Dear Tilt,
I can’t really say, based on what you’ve told me. It probably is just hairballs, but I don’t know how long ago the puking started or what it’s, you know, like. My cats, generally speaking, have two kinds of puke: 1) the chunky, nasty “I wolfed my food too fast and chucked it back up” kind of puke; and 2) the thin, thready hairball puke.
Hairball puke has hair in it; if it’s not a big quantity and you can see fur, it’s a hairball. Start the cat on more of a dry-food regimen with a hairball-control brand of kibble, and give her a dose of Petromalt every few days or so, and see how that goes.
But if it’s just puking right after she eats, or from overeating, you should keep a closer eye on it, and you’ll probably have to change her diet anyway. Most cats really prefer wet food — it’s more like a fresh kill — but some of them can’t handle the richness, in which case you should save it for special occasions and switch her over to kibble entirely. She’ll bitch at first, but she’ll adjust. Keep an eye on her weight and her energy level, and if you notice any changes, bring her back in for more tests.
[7/15/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) cats the fam
