The Vine: July 26, 2006
Sars and “Order,”
I have what I consider to be the best gyn in the world, Rachel Villanueva. I absolutely adore her and I recommend her to everyone. I am 26 and not married, so my appointments are focused on my general health and pregnancy prevention. She is also an OB, but we don’t really discuss me having babies.
She is sweet, very smart, and incredibly comforting when things go a bit awry. Her staff can be a bit brusque (that NYC attitude) and they tend to run late on afternoon appointments, but it is worth it. She is affiliated with NYU Med Center, I’m pretty sure she was educated there, and she has recommended to me her own GP who I also love.
She is part of the Arcadia OB/GYN practice.
Rachel Villanueva
148 Madison Ave @ 32nd St.
212-252-0111
Hope that helps.
K
Other reader suggestions for GYNs — and for tubal alternatives — appear below:
Karen Playforth and Katrina Bradley, St. Luke’s Roosevelt
Suzanne Lajoie, Downtown Women’s Health*
Adrienne Simone, 266 East 78th Street
Rayze Simonson
Julia Cassetta, Cornell Medical Center
Susan Wolf, 99 University Place*
Holly Beeman-Nath, Lexington OB/GYN
Ruth Steinberg, 58th Street between 6th and 7th
Steven Hockstein, 428 East 72nd Street
Jay Bauman, 21 East 90th Street
Judith E. Gershowitz, NY Gynecological and Obstetrical Associates
Valerie K. Lyon
Kathryn Peck Rutenberg
Melissa Waterstone
Kathleen Mulligan, 314 West 14th Street
Milka Torbarina, 220 East 63rd Street
Try the Essure procedure
Google child-free communities and ask them for recommendations
Revisit the vasectomy — it’s cheaper and less invasive, and there is a “no-scalpel” version*
Visit the nurse practitioner at the GYN; she can give you more of her time
Go to a local Planned Parenthood clinic*
Suggestions I received more than once have an asterisk.
Dear Sars,
I have a question that is half grammar, half etiquette. I got married six months ago, and kept my maiden name. I did this for a variety of reasons, not least of which is that changing your name is a major pain in the ass. Plus, I don’t really care and my husband doesn’t either, so there we are.
I’ve accepted that I’ll get mail addressed to “Mrs. Jane MarriedName,” especially from older relatives with whom I correspond the old-fashioned way (they love to get handwritten letters). It doesn’t bother me, and I see no need to “correct” it any more than continuing to use my maiden name on return addresses and hope they get it. I also don’t mind explaining that yes, we’re married, and no, I didn’t change my name, and no, I don’t plan to. Sometimes the explanations take as much time as changing my name would have, but my maiden name is still easier to spell.
So to make a long story short (“Too late!”), I don’t know what my full proper name is. Am I “Mrs. Jane MaidenName”? “Miss Jane MaidenName”? I’ve been using “Ms.” because it’s suitably neutral, but it doesn’t seem quite correct (and I don’t much like it). I don’t mind being a “Mrs.” at all, and “Ms.” seems like what you use when you don’t feel the need to clarify, or if you feel like “Miss” is a little dumb when you’re my age. It doesn’t make much difference to me, but I’d like to be correct in my usage when I need to be more formal.
Sincerely,
And I Thought The Seating Plan Was Complicated
Dear Seating,
This is my understanding of these honorifics: “Miss” is not appropriate for married women, or women over the age of 30; “Mrs.” is for married women who have taken their husbands’ names; “Ms.” is for everyone else.
But this, too, is my understanding of these honorifics: it’s 2006, so seriously, do whatever sounds right to you. If you don’t mind explaining it a bit, why not set a trend? I have friends who squished together their last names to make a whole new last name when they got married; that’s what felt natural to them. So if you want to be “Mrs. Jane Maidenname,” because you think of yourself as both a Maidenname and a married Mrs., and that’s the most organic choice for you? Go for it.
I would not be as free with “Miss,” but you don’t seem keen on that one anyway. You do seem down with dealing with any confusion that arises and not getting frustrated with it, and while I think “Ms.” is the standard here, you know, the standard used to be a lot of things for married women that don’t apply today. Follow your star.
Dear Sars,
I have a rather unique situation that calls for some serious advice. Anyone we ask for advice is too busy being thrilled it isn’t their problem.
It begins with my two sisters. Sister 1 lives here in town with her husband and three kids. Sister 2 lives in Far Away State with her husband and three kids. I live here in town with our mother. I moved in with her last year, coming from Another State Far Away, after our father died unexpectedly at age 77. I came to provide some support at least temporarily.
The issue: in July, Sister 1 and our mother will be out of town for a week at a family reunion. I cannot go because I will be starting a new job shortly, and it won’t be possible to get time off. Sister 2 will not be going either, because she has plans with her in-laws family. However, she will be here in town with me.
Her family usually stays with the in-laws, but the in-laws now say it is too stressful for the widowed mother-in-law to deal with them. (My sister sits on her ass and does nothing.) Last year she had a stroke and my sister’s family knew this. While they were staying with her a few months later, she developed garbled speech and…they got in the car and drove home to FAS, leaving her there with a 12-year-old who eventually freaked and called 911.
Now, there is the expectation that they will stay in our mother’s house (where they usually come daily to shower when they are in town, because mother-in-law does not allow showers…don’t ask) or at least come and go as they please. Mother does not want this and refuses to say anything to Sister 2, acknowledging that it will be MY problem, since she won’t be in town. Sister 2’s kid left a sink running and flooded their house last year, causing thousands of dollars in damage. She also left a hair iron on for an hour in our mother’s empty house and almost started a fire. They leave messes in their wake and mess with people’s things. I have a house cat that I am concerned they will let out/forget about. Their cat died a couple years ago and they threw it in the dumpster! I cannot be at the house at their beck and call to let them in (they notoriously say they will be somewhere in five minutes and show up two hours later) and monitor their actions.
So now what? Sister 2 will not listen to reason if I try to approach her. We have had a few blowouts over the years. She has had them with all of our five other (out of town) siblings. She is our black sheep, which we usually tolerate because we see her at most a couple times a year. So there is no one to talk to her (and I know it would break down into her yelling about her “horrible childhood” and “me ME ME” as always). Do I try to move out post-haste? Change plans and take that job in Maui? I’m at a loss here.
Would changing the locks help?
Dear Maybe,
Tell her she won’t be able to stay at the house. Do not ask; do not bargain; do not discuss it. Inform her. She’s not going to stay at the house; it’s not possible. End of conversation.
If she starts screaming and trying to manipulate you, just put the phone down, or leave, but to my mind, the main issue is whether she’s able to show up and stay there in spite of you — does she in fact have housekeys? Because she shouldn’t. If she doesn’t, lock up the house tight, delegate a neighbor to feed the cat and water the plants (and call the cops if anyone s/he doesn’t recognize is loitering around…including Sister 2), then stay with a friend for the weekend.
If she does have keys, someone needs to either get them back or change the locks — and that someone should be your mother, because any property damage incurred while Sister 2 is staying at your mother’s house winds up being your mother’s problem.
So, there’s another option for you: inform your mother that, actually, it’s her problem, and you’re not going to deal with it one way or the other. If Sister 2 doesn’t show up while you’re at home, you’re not waiting around to let her in. If Sister 2 floods the basement, you’re not cleaning it up; your mother can rent a pump system and present Sister 2 with a bill for the damages.
Someone in this situation needs to put her foot down with your sister. Ideally, that someone is your mother, but if she won’t, she can live with the consequences of forcing you to do it — if she won’t handle your sister or tell her to stay elsewhere, well, you’re taking matters into your own hands, and your mother should be really clear on that.
[7/26/06]
Tags: Ask The Readers etiquette grammar health and beauty the fam
