As a dog-trainer apprentice
and the owner of a dog who suffered VERY extreme separation anxiety
until age three, I thought I might be of some help.

There are a number of issues taking place from the training
perspective.The first one is documentation.I would personally
strongly suggest that Saving set up a cheap (or rental) video camera
(and be sure to confine the dog so he can be seen) the next few times
she goes out.This will allow HER to find out what’s going on, which
at this point sounds much more important than her neighbors figuring
out what’s going on.

Second, she seriously needs to ditch the shock collar in favor of a
citronella collar.An agitated, anxious, fearful dog is highly
unlikely to be helped by a shock collar — it’s scary, it hurts, and
often a dog in that state doesn’t understand well what’s going on.A
citronella collar squirts harmless, but stinky and gross, citronella if
the volume reaches a certain level.It’s both more humane and much
more likely to be positively responded to by the dog.

Third, she mentions contacting a trainer.In my experience, people
are very rarely willing to do the work that is honestly necessary to
help a dog get over separation anxiety — it takes months of constant
work to really accomplish.If she’s not up for that task, she might
want to talk to her vet and/or trainer(s) about other methods,
including doggy day-care (expensive), more dog-walking (breaks up the
monotony, at least), and/or some options she can do that will at
least appease the dog more while she is gone.

Fourth, medication is a long and side-effect-ridden route, and
frankly it should be the last resort.Not only is it only moderately
effective, but it can actively hurt the dog in some cases.
Additionally, the drug most commonly prescribed (because it is pushed
by the drug companies) has been known to cause aggression in a
number of cases (I don’t know which one she’s using, but she might
want to do some research on the subject before continuing).

Fifth, Saving doesn’t mention what kind of dog she has, but, again in
my personal experience, exercise is by far the best low-impact means
of dealing with separation anxiety.If she can get her dog to a dog
run, to a play group, or even just take the dog out for a long, long,
long walk every morning, the dog is much more likely to be too pooped
to scream its head off for too long.

Been There

Dear Been,

All good suggestions.I don’t love hearing about the use of shock collars, but a few friends of mine have had good results with them short-term, stopping after a week or two when the Pavlovian response kicks in; still, citronella sounds better.

It’s probably safe to assume that, if Saving has resorted to meds, she’s already tried the other things you suggest (with the exception of the “doggie-cam”) and she’s committed to training the dog as best she can.It’s possible that those things just haven’t worked.It’s also possible that her Neighbors have decided that it’s her dog to blame when it’s actually not.But if she doesn’t have a dog-walker coming in while she’s out, I think that’s the best solution.A bored pet is an irritating pet.Trust me.

Dear Sarah,

I have a slightly complicated (not to mention boring teenage) problem, which I know is essentially my fault, but I’d appreciate some advice.

The situation concerns a very good friend of mine (let’s call her “F”), myself, and her boyfriend of about a month (let’s call him “M”). F and myself have known M for about 18 months; he was a friend of her ex-boyfriend. For more or less the entire time we’ve known him, M has been utterly besotted with F. Whilst I love her dearly, F is well known for (and proud of) her mind games. She has essentially messed with M’s head continually for the last 18 months, and known exactly what she was doing.

Now this isn’t really my problem. However, M and I have a slightly chequered history. Originally we met because F and her ex were trying to set us up. This didn’t work. For the last year and a half we’ve been engaged in a weird love-hate relationship, but the sad truth is, I utterly adore him. There was an unfortunate incident some time ago when we kissed; this only served to confuse and hurt me more when it was all brushed off later. (No, we weren’t drunk.)

The real trouble comes with his relationship with F. She treats him terribly, openly admits to everyone we know that she intends to cheat, avoids spending time with him, and is generally heartless. I feel masses of guilt, because I encouraged the relationship to get started, and she often suggests that she is only in it at all in response to pressure from myself and other friends. My motives were terrible; I encouraged it because he was so screwed up, and I thought being with her would make him happy. Sadly, now he is not any better. I also feel I pushed her into it because I was confusing what I wanted with what she wanted. She says she loves him “as a friend” and misses the dynamic they had as friends.

So, now she is unhappy in the relationship but doesn’t know how to break it off (not to mention the fact that her consideration for his feelings is negligible most of the time); he is severely unhappy and thinks he’s done something wrong and is worthless; and I am stuck in the middle. I adore him to death and don’t want to see her hurt him like this, but at the same time I love my friend and have some loyalty towards her. I never know what to say to either of them, not saying anything doesn’t work, and all of it is complicated by the way I feel about him.

Essentially, I just don’t know what to think. I’m sorry this was so long, and made such little sense. Looking at it now I see there isn’t really a question in there, and it might be that you’d have to know us to figure it out. Of course the trouble is, everyone that knows us has a bias!

Thanks a lot for reading anyway, and if you can figure anything out from it, I’d appreciate your thoughts.

Wishing She Hadn’t Interfered

Dear Wishing,

You did interfere, alas, and now you have to live with it — and “living with it” means “not interfering any further.”Stay out of it.Don’t advise.Don’t confess.Just keep your mouth shut and let the chips fall where they may.

I’m not saying this because you brought it on yourself; I’m saying it because anything you try to do now will only lead to an even bigger mess, with no up side or silver lining for any of you.”But –“Yeah, I know you don’t want him to get hurt, but if he won’t follow his own self-preservation instinct in a situation that obviously calls for it, you can’t really help that.”But –“Yeah, I know you have feelings for him, but it’s clear he doesn’t return them, or can’t.

I know it hurts, and I know it seems impossible to get shut of the situation, but it is what it is and what it is has no room for you, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to give up.Spend less time with F and/or M.Change the subject when F whinges about the relationship.Find another boy to crush on.Mourn it and move on.

Dear Sars —

I have a friend I will call “B,” because, um, that’s the first letter of her name.
Anyway.We were best friends in high school, and managed (unlike most of my
high school friends) to stay relatively close since then, despite moving to
different towns and leading disparate lives.We stayed in touch via telephone,
mostly, and visited each other when we could.Mostly she visited — I don’t have a
car and it’s a long train ride.She has family and friends here aside from me so I
think it evens out.Anyway.

A couple of years ago we both happened to be ending long-term relationships
at roughly the same time.We talked a lot for a while, but after an initial flurry of
long-distance calls, we realized we were dealing with things in almost opposing
ways (she was exercising her long-dormant freedom by partying all the time and
getting into short, ill-fated trysts; I had met the man who is now my husband, but
was hesitant to jump back into a relationship when my last one had ended so
badly.Also, she wanted to talk trash about our exes, but I had no animosity
toward mine; it just hadn’t worked out between us, and I felt pretty bad about it).

Shortly after the breakups, my little brother was diagnosed with cancer, and I
sort of withdrew from many of my friends.B and I still spoke every couple of
weeks, but I didn’t have the energy to chatter about boys or commiserate about
her latest drinking binge. After being sick for a little more than a year, my
brother died at the age of twenty.I was…sort of devastated.B left a message on
my machine saying how sorry she was and promised to take me out when she
next came into town, but weeks passed before she managed to stop by.I
understood; she was busy, and I live three hours away.But part of me was sort
of sad and confused that she hadn’t made more of an effort.

Several months later my boyfriend and I got engaged, and I asked B to be one
of my bridesmaids.She said, “Of course!” and seemed to be really excited.We
talked about the wedding a little bit, but I didn’t want to be too bridezilla so I tried
not to bring it up too much.I had a little informal get-together with the
bridesmaids (most of them hadn’t met B, seeing as she lived sort of far away)
and it was really fun.The day of my bridal shower, B emailed me saying she
was soooooo sorry — she had to be somewhere in the morning so she couldn’t
make the shower, but she’d take me to dinner next time she was in town, and I
understood, right?I said I did, although I was disappointed.She came by the
next weekend and we had dinner and everything seemed okay, although she
surprised me by saying she had to leave right away to meet a date (I had hoped
we could go out dancing or something afterward).

A couple of days before my bachelorette party (which was the weekend before
the wedding), B again emailed me.This time she said she needed to save
money for my wedding present, so she wouldn’t be able to make it into town.I
thought that was a little strange, seeing as the only expense incurred in the
bachelorette would be the gas for the drive over, but okay.

She did come into town the day before the wedding and helped me make
boutonnieres and that was a big help,
especially considering how nervous I was.She looked amazing at the wedding
and came out dancing with us that night.It was fun.

When we started doing thank-you cards, I noticed that B had never gotten us a
gift.That was fine — lots of people didn’t, and we didn’t expect them.But what I
couldn’t understand was why she’d made such a big deal about “saving up for
the gift” — to the point that she missed something that would have meant a lot
more to me than some matching towels — and then hadn’t even bothered to give
us a card.(She did buy me a steamed milk the morning of the wedding — maybe
that’s what she meant.)

A little background: She’s 31, I’m 29.She owns her home and makes a good
living.She often complains about the cost involved with weddings, but says it’s
worth it because of how much fun she has…and at my wedding I let the ‘maids
wear whatever they wanted, so she didn’t even have to buy a dress.I had a
friend do everyone’s hair, and we all did our own makeup.B stays with her
parents when she comes into town and really only had to pay for food and gas.

I know it isn’t about the money, but I still feel hurt.She didn’t call me for almost
two months after the wedding, and the last time we talked she acted like nothing
had happened.I felt exhausted after talking with her and don’t feel like initiating
more contact.

My question I guess is: should I pursue this friendship?I know I’ve had a lot
going on in my life and I haven’t been as supportive or attentive as I should have
been, but at the same time, I’ve had a lot going on in my life, and B has shown
only the most token interest.Should I bring up the thing about the gift in an effort
to find out what’s going on with her, or would that be construed as materialistic
on my part?Should I pretend nothing happened and continue as things are? I
mean, it sounds like she’s got better things to do than hang out with me, but I
know she likes talking to me because she makes a point of calling when
something’s going on in her life.I’m confused.

Signed,
Anti-Bride Bride

Dear Anti,

It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind to give up on the friendship; you just want my permission.Well, consider it granted.Go ahead and cut her dead if you want to.After all, if she can’t read your mind, what’s the point in keeping her around?

Okay, that’s harsh, but truly — if these things bothered you, why didn’t you just tell her so at the time?”My brother just died, and I really need you right now.””If you can’t come, you can’t, but it’s my bachelorette and I’m disappointed.”You feel like she half-assed major events in your life — why didn’t you call her attention to that?

A lot of us have genuine difficulty asking for what we want from other people emotionally, either because we feel like it’s not our right to complain, or because we think we probably won’t get it if we ask so why bring it up — or both.It’s hard to admit to someone you care about that you need support, or that that someone has hurt your feelings.You have to do it anyway, mainly because the “she’s got better things to do than hang out with me, oh boo hoo” routine isn’t working in the first place.

B’s behavior hurt you.Stop feeling sorry for yourself and speak frankly to her about the state of the friendship so that it doesn’t happen again.

Dear Sars,

I have a problem with a longtime friend. We’ve had our ups and downs on
any given number of situations. I guess we have known one another for at
least 15 years or so, and it’s only been as of late where I have
considered dissolving the friendship.

I constantly invite her to do things
with me, and she never goes. If she does say she wants to attend, she
almost always stands me up. Then if she does actually show, I end up with
most of the bill. I fixed that problem by always insisting on separate
checks, so at least that ended. She’s rather hateful to people that I know
or like, and she does it in such a way that it would seem she was kidding,
but I know her, and it’s no joke. Then to make matters worse, she’s a bit
of a drama queen. It’s all about her, her, her. My immediate family is
similar in that sense, therefore I moved 1200 miles away from all of my
relatives.

You see, I don’t have a large pool of friends or resources. I (as stated
briefly) am not close to my family. In short, I am a bit of a loner, but
not unlike any living breathing human being, need some friends. I have
known her for some time, and care very much for her, but I feel as if I
would be better off without her in my life. Her actions seem almost
intentional when it comes to me, as if she wants to hurt me, or perhaps she
derives some sort of personal satisfaction out of being nasty to others.

Recently, I quit calling her or sending email. Then out of the blue, she
will phone and ask what’s up. Then I fall in to that thing where I call and
extend invitations, and of course she stands me up again. Sometimes I
just want to ask her, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Of course, I do
not.

Any suggestions on handling this?Or should I just let it go — but if I do
that, she will eventually call again and I’ll have to deal with her in some
way.

I want to be nice, but God, she pisses me off

Dear Off,

She’s not nice.You don’t like her.End of story.Stop trying.

I know you want companionship, but in order to make real friends — friends who do want to spend time with you and who do like your other friends — you need to stop using Apathy McBitch as a social crutch.Stop depending on her, stop hanging out with her, and stop responding to her.

The next time she calls, tell her you can’t make it to whatever she’s offering.Don’t explain; just say you can’t make it, no matter what she’s proposing to do or when.Practice saying “sorry, I can’t” in a neutral tone and say it as many times as it takes to get rid of her.It won’t take her long to figure out that she can’t use you as a back-up anymore, and then she’ll stop calling and you can move on to friends who actually value you.

Hi Sars!

I know you’ve covered everything from kittens to semi-colons, but I have a new one (I think) to hurl at you. It’s quick, so this should be painless.

A friend of mine is getting married, to a woman I hardly know. I want to write my friend (the groom) a little note to thank him for his friendship, support, and other such sappy thoughts. I do not know if I should include this note with the card, or write the note on the wedding card itself.My friend has been there through all the milestones in my life, and I would hate for such a day to go by without him knowing how proud I am of him. However, his fiancée does not approve of his friendships with females (sorry, forgot to mention I’m a girl), and I do not know how to handle the situation so that she won’t feel uncomfortable. Further, I would hate for her to feel excluded. Is it inappropriate to write a note at all?

If you have any ideas it would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
You’re so much cooler than Ann Landers

Dear Cool,

It’s awfully tempting for me to tell you to stick it to the disapproving bride with a mushy note in the wedding card, but it probably wouldn’t do much good — in fact, the bride will probably stick it to him as a result.

So, I’d write a note on the wedding card that includes both of them, wishing the two of them happiness on their special day and in their life together — heartfelt, but generic, if you know what I mean.Then put everything else you’d like to tell your friend in a letter, and send it separately.If the bride chooses to “feel excluded” by that, well, she is excluded; it’s between you and her friend, but it’s nothing against her, and if she chooses to take it that way, that’s her problem.

Dear Sars,

Here is the deal. I have never been able to have an
orgasm without the use of a vibrator. My best friend
clued me into the existence of vibrators around the
age of 15, long before either of us was sexually
active, and I have always enjoyed the company of my
little battery-operated friend, relying heavily upon
him throughout high school. So far, so good.

Fast forward to age 18, when I got my first real
boyfriend.We were together for almost a year before
we did the deed, and we had sex on a regular basis
until we broke up six months later (for reasons
unrelated to sex). The sex always felt nice and good,
and I truly enjoyed it; I just was unable to come.
I always faked it for his benefit because I didn’t
want to hurt his pride (I was his first), and I wasn’t
really upset about not being able to come because I
always had my vibe, which never failed to do the
trick.

Fast forward to age 20 when I met current beau, now
fiancé. For the first few months of our relationship,
I continued to fake during sex, again fully enjoying
the whole extravaganza, and not really missing the
orgasm. After about six months, I decided to “come
clean” and tell him that I have never been able to
have orgasms with a guy. I explained that I could
easily come with a vibrator, and that maybe that has
desensitized me to the point where I would never be
able to come normally. He was very hurt that I had
been lying to him, but his main concern was that I
wasn’t satisfied.

I tried to explain to him that I still loved having
sex with him, and that it didn’t bother me in the
least not to have an orgasm. He made me promise never
to fake again, and that we could work on this together
until we found out what would satisfy me, and in the
meantime he would help me get off with my vibe during
sex, which worked well. But after a year of trying to
come without mechanical aid (and believe me, we tried
everything), I started faking again, because it broke
my heart to see him try so hard in vain and I knew it
was starting to make him feel inadequate.

Fast forward to today. We have been living together
for four years and our 2004 wedding plans have been
finalized. Everything is great. I still enjoy having
sex with him, I still enjoy getting off by myself
every once in a while when he’s not home, and he still
thinks I come when we have sex. The problem is my
guilt about it. I feel horrible lying to him about it,
and I would rather just have sex and enjoy seeing him
get off without my having to make a big fake moany
production out of everything. I would also rather to
be able to use my vibe all the time with him, instead
of having to use it in secret when he’s not around.

If
I told him the truth now, after four years of lying,
after I promised I wouldn’t fake it, I feel like he
would never speak to me again, and I am sure it would
make him feel very insecure about his performance
(which is great, by the way). Should I just leave well
enough alone and continue with the “oh baby,” since I
enjoy the sex regardless? I feel this is what I should
do, but I just hate the thought of having to lie to
someone I love for the rest of our lives together.

What do you think, Sars?

Batteries are a girl’s best friend

Dear Bat,

Tell him.Tell him now.You shouldn’t have reverted to faking, but you had your reasons, and you need to discuss those reasons with him before the two of you make a lifetime commitment to each other.

It isn’t just the vibrator, and it isn’t just the lying about your orgasms.It’s that you feel like you can’t talk to him frankly about how your body works, or like how your body works isn’t okay with him.It’s that you “knew” he felt inadequate, but that he never said so and you never discussed that possibility with him; you just decided, and acted accordingly.Yes, maybe he’d react with insecurity about his prowess, but you can’t just assume that.You have to talk to him about it, and you have to reassure him if that’s what he needs.

Nobody enjoys the “actually, such-and-so isn’t working for me” sex talk.It’s awkward and painful and cringy.But if he’s not getting the real you in bed, I don’t think that’s a great way to go into a marriage — for either of you.

[9/11/03]

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