I’ve been struggling with wording for this all morning and afternoon.
Mmmm, tough subjects.

So you wrote a wonderful response to Post-Coital Worrier, but I still wanted
to throw in some advice from someone who’s been there.

Essentially…I’m like PCW’s boyfriend.I enjoy sex.I enjoy sex a lot.
But it takes a LOT to get me to actually ejaculate when someone else is
involved.Now, how I ended up like that is complicated and probably not
relevant — what it essentially boils down to is that some people are just
wired differently when it comes to sex, and express orgasm in different
ways.The only time I’d be truly medically concerned in PCW’s case is if he
can’t ejaculate at all, but it’s not something PCW addressed.

Another possibility was addressed by your fellow advice columnist, Dan
Savage.Totally different style, natch, but here’s the relevant bit.

If PCW’s boyfriend decides this is a problem needing redress, then PCW
sounds like she would be very supportive and willing to lend a, er, hand
when appropriate, so that’s good.In the meanwhile, all PCW can do is enjoy
what sounds like really good sex, and not sweat it.

Been there, done that

Dear Done,

I don’t often agree with Savage, but he’s right on here.Everyone’s different in bed; when a partner is different from what you’re used to, don’t default to taking it personally.

I live with two roommates, and one of them owns a cat.We all love the cat (Bean is our cat’s name, FYI); understand she’s part of the family, not just a pet; care for her, et cetera.This past week, however, a friend’s cat just had a litter of kittens.And said friend asked if I would like one.Of course, after seeing the fluffy litter, I’m seriously thinking of taking the offer.

Now, I’m not too concerned about whether or not the cats will get along, but I am worried that — since having a cat is at least a ten-year commitment — if they do get along and Bean’s owner or I move away (which will eventually happen), the cats will have to be torn apart.Is this a problem?Do cats suffer from being torn apart from their feline friends?

Thinking of Kittens

Dear Thinking,

In my experience, cats do miss their feline friends when one of them dies or moves away; when Hobey went to the hospital, Little Joe didn’t know what to do with himself.(Of course, I still can’t rule out the possibility that Hobey faked the whole stomach ailment just to get away from Little Joe for a few days…heh.)On the other hand, if I’d substituted another cat for the Hobe, I think it would have suited Joe just as well.

When the time comes and one or both of you move, you can always adopt another cat to keep yours company, and so can Bean’s mom or dad.Once a cat has had another cat around, it’s good to continue that, but the specific other cat probably doesn’t matter a whole lot unless the two cats in question came from the same litter.

Sars:

I’m sorry to trouble you but I have a question about commas and their use with
regards to the date.

Is the following sentence correct?

“The Vietnam Era extended from February 28, 1961, to July 1, 1975.”

The second comma should be there, right?

Numerous online resources agree that it should be there, but the office queen of
grammar insists that it shouldn’t be. As a lowly underling (who despises her),
I’d love to be able say, “Yeah, it should be there because you need to set the
year off with commas — both before AND AFTER.” Except I’d be less snotty
about it.

Thank you for your help,
Ryan O’Neil

Dear Ryan,

Garner advises against the use of the second comma, saying (and I agree) that “it impedes the flow of the writing too much.”

The Chicago Manual, on the other hand, thinks you should get around it entirely by writing dates as “12 September 2003” — but if you do go with the other style, “commas must be used before and after the year.”

So, it’s a tie, but I have to agree with Garner.That extra comma puts a hiccup in the sentence that I just don’t think you need.

Hello Sars,

I don’t know if I’m doing everything right here — especially when it
comes to capitalising and grammar and stuff like that — but I am gonna
use the following as my excuse: I’m German…

I will try and make it as short as possible. I met him here in Germany
more than three years ago at a friend’s party. He used to live here
and do nothing (he had some money saved) and I really wasn’t sure
about the whole thing from the start. He’s 14 years older and American,
and I (we) never knew how long we could be together anyways until he
was gonna go back to the U.S. So we kinda just started dating and it
was like “let’s have a good time and see what happens.”

I broke up with him three months later because he just didn’t want to
have sex (not the only, but the main, reason at the time). He was upset
but understanding, and told me he was sorry, but he just didn’t want to get
involved too much because then it’d kill him to go back home. That was
his explanation why a 37-year-old man doesn’t wanna have sex with the
girl he’s dating (and I don’t just mean no sex, I mean not a whole lot
of intimacy whatsoever. As soon as the kissing got a little more
intense, he drew back and left me with my hormones and doubts and hurt
feelings and all the rest of it…) — because he didn’t wanna fall in
love with me.

Well, I really started missing him (first Christmas season in my own
apartment by myself…) and called him a couple of weeks later. And
we started talking more often again. Sometimes for a few hours on the
phone (and the man hates talking on the phone). And four weeks
later we were back together and everything was back to “normal.” He
spent Christmas with me and my family and we had a good time together.
With the same problem(s).

Okay now — life went on and we were a couple. After a year and a half
or so, I started telling him that I love him, because that’s how I
felt. And we had no sex. And the intimate kisses and moments became
rare until there was almost nothing left. He even started going to bed
later than me to avoid me starting “something.” And there were
different explanations he used whenever I wanted to talk about it. The
one mentioned above didn’t really work anymore, because after being
together for more than a year he had obviously gotten involved…then he was sick for a while with a really bad flu/cough that caused
serious sleeping problems (and I wouldn’t wanna have sex if I could
hardly breathe either). Then it was him having gained some weight
over the last couple of years and not feeling comfortable and
blah blah blah.

He’s told me a couple of times to move on and find myself someone that
would satisfy my needs if I couldn’t live with it. Which I never did,
’cause by that point I was — and still am — seriously in love with him.

Well, he left Germany last summer. Because he just needed to start
something again. His savings were melting and he just got depressed
not doing anything…so he left and went back to where his family
comes from. And we planned on me coming for Christmas and New Year’s
and then we’d talk about how things will go on.

Then my mother died. She committed suicide and it was (and sometimes
still is) really hard for me, since my dad died in ’96 as well.
Anyways — of course he wasn’t here with me, but I have great friends
and somehow (with my siblings) managed to organize everything. And
then I left for Christmas, as planned, to see him. So we spent three
weeks together. Either staying at his grandparents’ house, his dad’s
house, or somebody else’s place. I think we spent three nights in motels
and the night before I left in a hotel. But that was it. So we really
didn’t have a lot of time to get intimate anyways. And when we did…guess what…he didn’t want to. But the three weeks were still
great. We spent 24/7 together under difficult circumstances and it
still worked. It was actually a good time and I didn’t wanna leave him.

So now it’s September. I haven’t seen him since January. We’re still
together and I love him. And I want to be with him. But he’s just
really distanced some times. Especially when he has stress. And he
hates talking on the phone. It’s different when we’re together (which
we haven’t been for nine months). And I just don’t know where things are
going. And he’s hurt me a few times by not being there for me because
he was having a bad time as well. And when I asked him why he does
those things that hurt me, he told me that right now he’s his #1
priority. And so he hardly ever writes a card (four cards in 13
months — Halloween, b-day, Valentine’s Day, and one just because), I think I’ve
gotten two emails since he’s left, and he just never remembers anything
important to me. Like my finals I had to take barely two months after
what had happened with mom. Or on my birthday, when he called at 1:30
in the morning the next day claiming it was still my birthday in the
States…after I had spent most of my birthday here being upset
about him not calling…and a lot of little things like that.

But for
some reason I still wanna be with him. And I know he’s having a very
tough time as well. He still lives at his grandparents’ house to save
money. They are both sick and it’s not a very big house. And right now
he usually works around 60 hours a week in a job he hates…so I
guess it’s okay that he doesn’t wanna talk every day any more…and
as he says “only for a short period of time.”

He plans on coming back here by the end of October and try and
find a job (which is gonna be difficult, since he still doesn’t speak
any German). And if he doesn’t find anything within six months or
so, he’s gonna have to go back. And then what? Should I go with him?
Leave Germany, quit my job that I really like? I don’t have any
savings or parents that would help me if things don’t work out, and
he really hasn’t done a whole lot for the relationship. I was the one
that always made things work out and compromised.

So sometimes I ask myself if I should tell him about my doubts before
he gives up everything again to start over in Germany. And the fact
that I really don’t think I would come to the States with him to live.
I have such good friends here and they are so important to me, but
then again, I really love him. I mean, we’ve been together for three
years now and we’ve been through a lot. Things were never easy and just
relaxing for us. And we’re still together. But sometimes I just have
doubts about asking him to come over here. And then again I wanna know
how it is to live unter fairly normal circumstances together and I
really can’t wait for him to get here! Is that being selfish?

And…I wanna have sex with him. I just don’t know if things will
have changed when he gets here. I’ve told him (like a few times
before) that I don’t know how much longer I can handle it (the no-sex
issue). And that this is his last chance. When he comes back here, it’s
his turn to do something for us and make things work. I’ve done enough…I am confused…

Well, Sars, what I would like to know from you being all objective: Am
I a stupid, weird freak for being in love with a forty-year-old
American that hasn’t bothered to learn my language yet, doesn’t wanna
have sex with me, and sometimes treats me like I mean shit to him?
(Which at the same time I know isn’t true.) Or is it that after losing
my dad and just recently my mom I just can’t take losing another
person I love and feel comfortable being with (and on top of that, if
I’d meet another man, it’s so weird that he wouldn’t know my mom…),
and maybe even if that’s it, I should still break up and go on with my
life? Or what’s wrong with me? I just don’t know what to do or to
think…

Maybe you have some
helpful advice — or at least tell me what your opinion is?

Sincerely,
Confused German Freak

Dear Freak,

My opinion is that you need to dump the guy, now, today.He doesn’t love you, and I don’t think you even love him, not really — I think you cling to him because he’s familiar, even though everything that’s familiar about him sucks.

You get nothing you need from him — not nurturing, not physical release, nada.He doesn’t want to have sex with you.He doesn’t speak your language, or even live in your country at the moment; in fact, he lives with his grandparents, which, at the age of forty…come on.He forgot your freakin’ birthday.I understand your issues with family, but “he knew my mom” is not a reason to stay with a guy who is, to put it bluntly, a pantywaist and not that into you.

It’s scary to move on, but it’s also way way WAY past time for you to do it.You deserve better, and better than that guy isn’t going to be hard to find.Break it off and go find it.

I am single female on the “other” side of 30.Not long ago, a friend of 20
years’ duration, Violet, and her husband had been at me for a few months to
meet a single, similarly-aged male friend of theirs — let’s call him “Shmo.”A
few times they attempted to organise for us both to be at the same social
event — the ideal way to hook people up — but none panned out.

(As an aside,
one attempt included inviting us both to a Melissa Etheridge cover act with
a $15 door charge — hello? If I want pain with a $15 price tag, I’ll invest in
a bikini wax, thanks very much; at least it will be over quickly.)

So then
they say “can we give him your number.”I’m resistant.My tragically
pathetic self fears that excruciating evaluation process euphemistically
known as “the blind date” — not my idea of a fun night out.I’m advised to
lighten up, that it’s only a big deal if I have “expectations” and that Shmo
is just as much on the hunt for footloose (a.k.a. not coupled/parenting)
buddies to hang with as he is for a shag mate/partner.

Finally, after
Violet forwards me an email from him asking if it’s okay for him to ring me,
I’m warmed by the enthusiasm; I grow a pair, get his email address, and contact
him.It turns out we both work at the same university, and we meet one Friday
after work.Shmo is cute and pleasant in that easy to get along with but
very guarded way; we have a few drinks and part ways.A couple of weeks
later I email him saying I’m going for drinks with colleagues at a campus
bar and he’s welcome to join us.Zip, zilch, nada from the outbox of Shmo
since then (a number of weeks ago).

Rational self and tragically pathetic
self wrestle with alternative interpretations of this fact, but basically
he’s not keen.I don’t have regular contact with Violet, and decide not to
say anything to her lest it be interpreted in a variety of wrong ways.I’m
pissed off, but the fact is, if I put myself in his position — blowing someone
off after a mutual friend set-up — I’m not sure I would have done a better
job than Shmo did.It’s difficult to balance the “not encouraging any wrong
ideas” with old-fashioned courtesy.It brings to mind the (similar but
different) post-internet-dating date scenario in which people (myself
included) seem to use the silent approach an awful lot.Do we all just form
a Rude Dickhead Club along with the Shmo, or is silence an acceptable form of
communication in these situations?

Signed,
I think I use parentheses too much

Dear Parentheses,

Silence does get the point across, but not as efficiently as honesty does, and besides, it’s a pussy move.”Thanks for the invite, but…I don’t think we should see each other again” is like ripping off a Band-Aid.It stings for a few seconds, and then it’s over.

It’s not fun delivering the friendly-but-firm blow-off, but in the other person’s shoes, wouldn’t you want to know where you stood?Of course you would, and you should show others the same courtesy.Either say straight out that it’s not happening, or politely turn down invitations until the hint is taken, but not responding at all is rude.

Not that anyone is going to stop doing it on my say-so, but I’ve found myself on both ends of that (mercifully brief) conversation, and trust me, it’s the best way.

Sars:

I am a 33-year-old female with an office job. I for sure do not love my
work, but I have great respect for the paycheck, benefits, and security
afforded me by my organization’s ownership of an extremely venerable
publication.

I also have a 37-year-old husband. He too has a great respect for my
paycheck, et cetera, but has begun to treat my job like a life raft we must both
cling to for the rest of our lives, lest we surely drown.

His job is hateful, not secure, and has been the victim of two salary cuts
in the last year. However, his job is under the aegis of a university, and
his sole meaningful benefit is free tuition. He has begun to pursue a second
Ph.D. This is a bright spot in his dull and fear-choked existence.

The situation makes logical sense. Free tuition is not to be sniffed at. We
are lucky to have my job. I, too, have a solitary avocation that I pursue in
the evenings.

And yet. This life looks awfully gray, stretching out before me. It puts me
in mind of my father, eating up his life to keep us out of debtor’s prison.
Weirdly, I have started to think that if I take a second job, things will
get better. Which does not make logical sense.

I should say that we are very kind to each other, and that both of us view
the marriage as a haven. I should also say that he wants us to have a kid,
and that that seems ridiculous to me. What on earth would we have a kid for,
when our lives are already completely filled with compulsory activity?

What I want to know is, who is driving this bus? Why do I feel so completely
trapped? And what can I do about it?

One of the Gray People

Dear Gray,

You need to talk to your husband.The two of you need to sit down and have a frank discussion about the goals you share, and the goals you don’t share, over the next year or five years or however long.Don’t focus exclusively on the having-a-kid question, but make it a part of that discussion — what do you want for yourselves and from your lives together long-term?How does the current set-up serve that?If it doesn’t especially, what alternatives do you see?

It’s nice that the two of you have the security of your job right now, but it sounds like he’s gotten used to that, and like you don’t want him to.So, say as much.You have things you want, too, things besides running in a hamster wheel just to cover the rent.Say so.

You’ll both have to make various sacrifices for each other over the years, as you know, but you don’t have to suffer in silence.If you don’t like where things are headed, speak up.

[9/12/03]

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