Querida Sars,

As I have expressed many times in my fan-mail, I adore your site and think
The Vine should be adapted into a relationship handbook. Usually, my daily
glance at The Vine gives me plenty of laughs with which to enjoy the day.
Today, it chilled me to the bone, more literally than you’d think. My hands
are shaking, because what one woman wrote felt like a slap in the face. To
quote “SO wigged out” regarding her ex-husband’s roommate:

“It also doesn’t help me to know that this young man is Hispanic. Not that
I’m prejudiced, mind you, but I have known some of that persuasion and they
were a LOT left of center, if you know what I mean. Even the women.”

If you’ll allow me, I’d like to respond to La Wigged Out:

Ms. Wigged Out, it may surprise you to know that you wrote your letter to
Tomato Nation during Hispanic Heritage Month, which lasts from September
16th-October 16th. Yes, I know most celebratory months begin on the
first — and feel free to make a joke about Latinos always being late, because
it certainly couldn’t make you seem more ignorant than you already do — but
September 16th is Mexican Independence Day, as well as, I believe, the
Independence Day for a number of other Latin American countries, so you’ll
understand why it has the odd starting date. Or, then again, it might be
beyond your grasp.

Now, despite your claim to not be prejudiced, you describe Latinos as “some
of that persuasion,” which I find interesting, because you describe being
Hispanic as though it were a matter of choice or preference, the way that
some people, who are often just as bigoted as you are, describe sexual
identity. When I think about it, your comment might be more apt than even
you think. After all, being Latino is not a question of racial identity,
it’s a question of cultural identity. Many if not most Latinos in the U.S.
have a blend of European, Native American, and African ancestry. Being a
Latino is far more about your language, the food you ate as a child, the
music you grew up listening to, and the wheres, whats, hows, and whys of
your family’s history. A person could easily abandon their Hispanic heritage
and keep only a last name. However, I know that giving up the poetry of
Pablo Neruda, making tamales with my mother on Christmas Eve, Celia Cruz,
and a family that has lived in Texas since it was New Spain would leave me
with nothing.

You said that we were “a LOT left of center” if we knew what you meant,
finishing with the extremely classy “even the women.” You know, I don’t
know what you mean, but then again I am a Mexican, so that might explain
things. If you’re speaking about politically left of center, you may have a
point. We Latinos are notorious revolutionaries; it seems no matter how many
times the U.S. sends troops in, we just keep fighting back. Go figure.
However, I think you were just speaking about being bizarre in general, and
how you were worried about your children being exposed to a possible child
molester. Well, we Latinos are very bizarre. There’s this whole literary
genre called “magic realism” that’s very bizarre. We’re really into that. If
you read Jorge Luis Borges or Gabriel Garcia Marquez, you’ll get a lot of
bizarre stories, but then again something tells me you don’t read Nobel
Prize winners. You would probably never touch Mario Vargas Llosa, or Octavio
Paz, or Carlos Fuentes, of Federico Garcia Lorca, or Rudolfo Anaya, or Oscar
Hijuelos, or any of the other innumerable Latino and Spanish authors
respected around the world. And you’re right, the women are just as bad.
Gabriela Mistral landed herself a Nobel prize of her own, and if Laura
Esquivel, Isabel Allende, and Sandra Cisneros keep writing the way they do,
they’ll probably have a few in the coming century themselves.

Who knows? If I ever finish the novel I keep working on between doing
invoices at work, I might have one of my own.

I’ve grown up hearing from people like you, who, like Latinos, have come at
me in all colors. Because I’m light-skinned, I usually get the “oh, you’re
not like THEM” comments, at least from Anglos. I’m probably never going to
stop hearing, in my lifetime, that Hispanics are lazy and stupid and “a LOT
left of center,” that we take American jobs and yet, at the same time, are a
drain on the welfare system. I’m going to have to put up with seeing Latinos
cast as maids, junkies, and whores in mainstream cinema, only to find that
Anglos have been cast to play the Latinos that were heroes, martyrs, and
artists. I’m going to have to put up with going to gay movies only to find
out that the evil slut has a Spanish accent, because, as John Leguizamo put
it, “we fuck too much.”

Well, I probably do fuck too much. I’m damn good at it.

I will be able to put up with all this because we are the fastest-growing
minority in the country, and more and more movies like Real Women Have
Curves are being made, and movies like Once Upon a Time in Mexico will rule
the box office, and even Republicans have realized that we are going to be
one of the most powerful voting blocks in the coming century. Today, you’re
going to have to deal with a Hispanic roommate at your ex-husband’s place.
One day, you just might have to deal with the Hispanic boyfriend your
daughter brings home. You might think he’s “a LOT left of center,” but
chances are that he’ll have dealt with people like you before, and be all
the stronger and smarter for it.

He’ll probably be stronger and smarter than you, and that won’t be hard.

Happy Hispanic Heritage Month!

Un Latino de la izquierda (A Latino from the Left)

Dear Iz,

You know, I interviewed Carlos Fuentes once, years ago, and now I have a delightful mental picture of him playing Barbies on the floor with those two little girls.Talk about magic realism.Hee.

Anyway — what Izquierda said.Hispanic culture is just that — a culture, not a persuasion — and in all the important ways it’s a United States culture, too, as much as baseball and apple pie.

But I have a question.For a while, we said “Hispanic.”Then we heard we should say “Latino” instead.Now it’s apparently swinging back to “Hispanic.”When we do have occasion to refer to y’all as a group, what term do you prefer?Because when it comes time for me to check off that box, “white” is not accurate (pink and blotchy over here) and “Caucasian” is…ecch, and I have to say I wish they offered “Anglo” as an option instead.(Or “Angla.”Heh.)So which should we use?Or don’t you care?Write in and let us know.

Hi Sars,

I love your site and I’m so glad I found it. Here’s the problem: I’m 26 and
I’ve never had a relationship longer than a few months, and even those have
been few and far between.

I feel like I’ve done everything to fix this. I’ve read therapeutic books,
gone to therapy, engaged in countless community activities through which I
could meet decent people, done the personals, tried to improve my
self-esteem, et cetera. I really don’t think I’m getting anywhere.

Other possibly important facts: my parents divorced when I was nine, and I
have basically no relationship with my father at this point. My mother and
stepfather (who was really good to me and my bro) were married from the time
I was ten until I was eighteen, at which point he pretty much took off,
never to be heard from again.

I date men and women, but not all at the same time; monogamy is definitely my
bag. For the most part, women aren’t into me, possibly because I look
straight. As for men, I used to date alcoholics, but in the past few years I
seem to have moved on to guys who are somewhat inexperienced or socially
awkward and, thus, wildly insecure. Fun. I also tend to involve myself with
people who are leaving the state soon. When I do go out on dates with
someone, it usually either doesn’t get intimate or I decide the person
annoys the absolute hell out of me.

Sars, seriously, how can I fix this? I’m disgusted with the thought that my
parents’ divorce may have something to do with my fear of intimacy because,
hel-LO, can’t I just get OVER it already? I can’t afford therapy and neither
talking it out nor keeping a journal, as they always advise, has helped. I
want to be in love. I want an adult relationship. I don’t want to be
emotionally stunted. I’m 26 and I’m sick of this.

The last person I dated was this absolutely perfect woman with whom I broke
things off after a few weeks because there was no spark…and probably
because I couldn’t deal with incorporating another person into my life. To
my credit, I did try to stick it out when I got a little panicky. Should I
keep doing that — hanging in there as long as I can until I can finally
stick with someone?

Thank you so much.

I’m a Loser, Baby

Dear Loser,

Stop trying so damn hard.The desperation is coming off you in little cartoon stink waves; it’s become way way too important to you to couple up, and potential couplees can smell it.

I mean, yeah, it’s good that you tried to hang in there when you panicked, but why did you stick it out — because you genuinely valued this woman, or because you really really wanted a girlfriend and you’d do whatever it took to say you had one?

It takes time to get to know people.It takes time to find a guy or girl who’s good for the distance.It takes time to figure out what you want, why, and from whom, and you have to give it that time.Of course you want love and a wing man, but if it’s obvious that that’s all you want — and in your case, it is — it’s off-putting.

Your approach here is all wrong, both for attracting prospective mates and for leading a happy life, which it is eminently possible to do even in the periods you spend by yourself.All of us go through those periods, and most of us understand that they come to an end.Relax.Stop scrutinizing yourself and looking for an answer and just sit still and be for a while.

Dear Sars,

I have a question about catching-up etiquette.

All of my long-time friends are scattered around different parts of the
country, and we’ve all got different things going on in our lives (graduate
schools, jobs, spouses, travels) so correspondence tends to happen
infrequently. When we do reach out and touch each other, it’s usually with a
“when can I call you?” email, followed by the prearranged phone call.The
phone calls generally follow a standard old-friends-checking-in routine.
First I inquire about their life and the details thereof, and then they
inquire about mine.

Most of my old friends are doing very well, and I’m happy for them.Even
though I don’t see them very often, I love them all to death and I want them
all to be excruciatingly happy.Myself, I’m going through a little bit of a
rough patch emotionally right now, but my physical health and professional
life are otherwise peachy-keen.

When the conversation turns around and the friend asks me, “So now, what
about you?How are you doing?” I’ve been responding by talking positively
about work, and not explaining that I haven’t been “doing” positively in a
more general sense.I don’t, after all, want to unload on a friend who
lives across the country and who I haven’t spoken to in six months.But at
the same time, I feel like I’m not being honest with the friend, who
genuinely cares that I am healthy and happy, when in fact I am not.

The question: What is the “right” way to truthfully and completely answer
the “how are you doing” question within the framework of the
“long-time-no-see” conversation?

Gone But Not Forgotten

Dear Gone,

Answer it truthfully and completely.You don’t have to go on about it in detail for forty-five minutes; just say you’ve had a rough go of it lately, in your head, but work is good and you feel fine and you think everything is going to work itself out.

Friends can sense when something is amiss.”So, how’s everything with you?””Oh, you know.[sigh]Good.”And when something is amiss, admitting it to people who care about you isn’t “unloading.”Not every moment of a friendship is a beer commercial; they’re your friends.They can handle it.They want to handle it.

It seems like the thing to do in situations like that to stick to the positive, not bring down the room, act like you’ve got the world on a string because the person on the other end seems to — but if you don’t want to do that anymore, don’t.

Dear Sars,

Okay, this one is so convoluted that you might need a scorecard.

I sing lead with a major statewide symphony orchestra.Our conductor
(hereafter “The Maestro”) is a very cultured, very interesting man who has
only one major flaw…he can’t seem to keep away from women.

The Maestro is married to his second wife.The current Mrs. Maestro was
his mistress while he was married to his FIRST wife.And, because a man
who marries his mistress only vacates that position, he now has a mistress
of six years.The Mistress believes that all she has to do is wait him
out — after all, he left ONE wife…why couldn’t he do it
again?She’s ALSO a singer with this orchestra, and the three of us see
each other at every rehearsal.The Mistress refuses to believe that the
Maestro ISN’T going to one day leave Mrs. Maestro and run off with her into
the sunset.

How do I fit into all this?Well, the Maestro has been confiding in me a
lot as of late about the weird dynamic that the three of them are in, and
he has asked me if I would consider “joining” him and his Mistress in bed.
Apparently, it’s always been one of his dreams to have a threesome.Even
more bizarre is the fact that apparently he’s already run this by The
Mistress, and she says that she would feel comfortable with me being there
because she doesn’t see me as a threat.

This situation is just wrong on so many levels.It’s gotten to the point
that I don’t even want to go to rehearsal anymore, because facing these
clowns is detracting from my singing and the whole thing has gotten too
bizarre for me.The Maestro insists my problem is that I’m “too sexually
sedate.”He wants to take it upon himself to “educate me.”I want to take
it upon myself to hit him with a bag of rocks.

Is there any way I can extrapolate myself from this bizarre scenario and
continue to sing?I really enjoy it, and The Mistress and I have become
good (strictly platonic!) friends.Or maybe I should just join a marching
band.

Thank you,
The Conductor’s Girl

Dear Girl,

Tell the Maestro to keep his comments professional and spare you the condescending, sexist “you’re too uptight” crap, or you will leave the symphony, and you will not keep the reason why a secret.

“But I don’t want to leave the symphony!”Then get him to leave.Symphonies have boards of directors.Let the symphony board know that they have a sexual harassment issue on their hands, and they’d better take care of it, or the guy on the fine-arts beat at the local paper is going to get the story of his life.

Whatever you do, stand up for yourself.The Maestro is way out of line and you shouldn’t have to put up with that sleaze, so don’t.

Hi Sars —

Great advice and great essays, especially the cat-related writings.I myself am the proud owner of an 18-pound fuzzball, and it’s scary how much cat behavior seems to be universal.Actually, my question for you has to do with the aforementioned heifer.

Husband and I are moving to Toronto soon, and we’ll be there for quite some time, as he is pursuing a doctorate.Fortunately, I married someone who loves the Fuzzball as much as I do, so we are definitely shuttling the cat to Canada as well.My question for you is this: What, specifically, do we need to do for Fuzzball to cross the border?Does she need special shots?Or do we need to have a vet create some kind of certificate that we can produce at the border?All of the above?I read that your own dasterdly duo made the same trip, so I was hoping you’d be able to offer me answers based on experience.

Fuzzball’s Mother

Dear Mom,

Before the trip, I brought both my cats in and got them up to date on the standard indoor-cat panel of shots.Then the vet gave me a printout of their inoculation history.Vets prep animals for international travel all the time, so your current vet should know what you’ll need to get Fuzzball across the border.

Nobody at the border bothered checking either my cats or their paperwork, so to tell you the truth, I don’t know what they look for, but if you have a hard copy of their updated shots, you shouldn’t have a problem.I will say that, if it’s possible, you should bring the cats in on a separate trip, just so you only have the one hassle to focus on; I had to go into the immigration office and file for my visitor’s permit on the spot, and if I’d had the cats with me, they’d have come to a boil in the parking lot.

I can’t find any information about pets on the Immigration Canada website, so you might try calling any visa officials you’ve dealt with in the past and asking them.

Okay, I’m hoping you can help me.My sister “Ralphella” has a 21-month-old boy by this jerk…she knew he was a jerk while she was dating him and tried her best to have his baby anyway, but that’s not the issue here.The issue is, she is now dating his brother!She says the brothers Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb are not close, but I would think fraternal twins would share something besides DNA and a common womb other than she!

I have suspected she’s been seeing The Brother for a while and she finally admitted it last week.I expressed my complete dismay at the situation; she asked why I was against the relationship and I told her for four reasons:

(1) She should not be dating the brother of her former boyfriend, even if he is a nice guy and treats her well; it’s not kosher.
(2) If this relationship broadens any further, her son would be mightily confused; is this guy Uncle Twiddle Dumb or Daddy Twiddle Dumb?
(3) She wants another child…would it be bro/sis or cousin to my nephew? That type of relationship would be too complicated and confusing for all involved.
(4) And why would his brother want sloppy seconds anyway; why date your brother baby’s mama?

Her response was, she can’t live her life for the rest of us (me, my husband, and our parents), I counteracted with, “How about living for your baby?Shouldn’t you be doing what is best for him?”She said the best thing for him is for her to be happy.

So, I know there really aren’t any arguments left to persuade her to abandon her relationship, but you know, she hasn’t clued in our parents and they are the ones besides myself that back her up with the baby when she needs help (she has a chronic illness and spends an average month or two of the year in the hospital/bed rest).I’m not saying she owes US anything (well, perhaps a bit of gratitude sometimes), but I feel this relationship is so wrong for her and the baby.

What’s a sister to do?

Twisting Gut in VA

Dear Twisting,

Stay out of it.If your sister wants to live her life like a daytime drama, and your nephew is getting his physical and emotional needs met, it’s not your business, so leave her to it.

“But –“No.Yes, it’s potentially confusing for the kid.Yes, it’s pretty ooky.It’s still not your problem unless it endangers the child, and you can’t really make that argument here.You’ve already expressed your disapproval; you can back that up by refusing to support her with child care (and you probably don’t want to do that), or you can hope she gets bored with the brother and moves on, but beyond that, let it alone.

[9/19/03]

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