Here is my problem.I hate my ex-girlfriend.I am a cranky person,
but not prone to hate, so this is very nervous-making for me.I hate
her.I think about her and rage builds.

Here’s the dealie-oh: I broke up with her.She seemed like exactly
what I was looking for, educated, grown-up, self-sufficient, funny,
sweet, everything.But really, it was all a cover for a rich girl
that Mommy has always taken care of, endless et ceteras.And she has
judgment of poor people!Oh, I could go on, but it’s not the point
of my story.

The point is that we both belong to a fairly small group of
professional performers.She started this group and feels that she
owns us.I am willing to say that without her, I could not be doing
what I do.But she is controlling, and paranoid, and judgmental to
the point of near insanity.She acts like everyone’s
boss/mother/OWNER.I want to not stress anyone else in the group
out, but I want to stay away from her, and try my own thing.

Basically, I want to do what I thought she was doing.Create a
performance space that is loving, challenging, accepting.And I love
my fellow performers.And frankly, they love me.But old habits die
hard.She is the only game in town, and I don’t want them to feel
like they have to abandon her for me.I am comfortable (well, as much
as I can be) with sharing, but I know she will freak out on
her “subjects” if I try to give them a different space.Mine would be
a different time and location, and really present no real competition
to her show.Except to her, because she won’t be controlling it.
The only metaphor I can think of, because I really can’t tell you what
we do: I taught you how to cook, and then assumed that you would
never try to cook in any other kitchen but mine.It’s totally insane,
and really misses the mark on what cooking is all about in the first
place.

So I guess it’s two things — how do I learn to not hate?How do I
navigate fellow performers, who I really respect, they respect me, but
they are scared to lose what little they have?What do I do?

Thanks Sars,
Wishing I felt less, and knew more…

Dear Wishing,

What’s your question?Seriously.It sounds to me like you’ve already decided; your ex is hard to work with, but you don’t have the stomach for doing your own thing.So…what?Do you want me to tell you that’s okay?It is, I guess, if it’s what you want.

But it isn’t, probably, so sit down with a pen and paper and write down all the pros and cons of staying in the current group; write down all the pros and cons of starting your own.Make a list of all the things you’d have to do to branch out on your own — organizational stuff, marketing, dealing with the politics of leaving your current group in the classiest way possible.Write all of it down.It’s going to look hard, because it’s going to be hard, because most things worth doing are hard — but if it’s something you really want to do, and not just to show up your ex, do it anyway.

Hello,

My sister told me about your site, so I thought maybe you could help me out.
Here’s the deal.

When I was an infant…my mom left/divorced my dad. I felt so sorry for my
dad that I did not want to hurt him like my mom did. So over the years I
learned to inspect and check my every action in accordance with what I
thought would not hurt my father. This pattern of self-inspection only
happend when I was with my father at first, but as I grew, this pattern
started to occur anytime I felt that someone would get hurt from my
actions. Basically anytime I felt that someone was vulnerable to me, I
would start this pattern. When I fell victim to this recurring pattern, I
became angry, because I would not allow myself to act in accordance with my
feelings. I would always consider what I was doing and check to make sure
that my actions were sound with what I thought my dad wanted. I would never
surrender to my feelings.

Until this past year I didn’t have any major problems with this pattern,
except when I was with my dad. But last year, when I became very close to my
girlfreind, who was naturally very vulnerable to me (because of the love she
gave me), this pattern took over my life. Since I was in constant contact
with her, I was always near to her vulnerability, and because of this my old
pattern with my father arose once again, but this time in my life outside
my relationship with my dad.

Once I realized my unhappiness, I set out to solve my problem, applying
makeshift hypotheses, which all were based on close self-inspection. My
self-inspection that I thought would free me from my current state was only
a submission to the pattern. I was just, no matter the reason, inspecting
and checking my actions and denying my feelings once again.

Recently I have come to realize how changing myself to how I think I should
be cures nothing, so now I am trying to look closely at why I started this
pattern (I don’t wanna hurt my dad), why it is making me unhappy (I am denying
my own emotions), and hopefully figure out how to stop.

Any advice at all would really help.

Thanks,
Hardcore

Dear Hardcore,

I would suggest therapy — not necessarily long-term, if it’s not a solution you like the sounds of/can afford, but at least a few sessions.Here’s why: To stop repeating a pattern like yours, you’ll need a fresh perspective from someone who isn’t close to the situation, and a therapist can provide that, as well as ways that you can ease into a new pattern that’s a little less dutiful and repressed.

The other thing to think about is the difference between “how you think you should be” and your true nature.How big is the distance between those two things?How can you bring them closer together so that you don’t feel at war with yourself all the time?What steps can you take towards a more “genuine” you that don’t make you or other people uncomfortable?All questions I think you should ask yourself, and all questions that a counselor could help you at least get started on answering.

Dear Sars:

I’m graduated from college last year, and have since enrolled in grad
school. I was lucky enough to get a really awesome job working for a
biology journal while I was still in college. It’s a good job — I get
health insurance and I actually get to use my degree. But I do think
I am being taken advantage of.

When I took the job, no one was very specific about what it was that
I’d be doing. They gave me a general idea (“You’ll be handling the
peer-review process”) but didn’t give me a blow-by-blow account of
what EXACTLY I’d be doing every day. As the days go by, it seems like
my coworkers want me to take over more and more of their
responsibilities. I am now doing things that are OBVIOUSLY part of
their jobs. My boss is this bumbling, clueless kind of dude who, when
I ask him if, you know, these specific tasks are my responsibility,
looks at me wide-eyed and says, “Why? You don’t mind, do you?” I
always wuss out and say no, I don’t mind, because said boss has a few
times before accused me of “not being a team player” when I tried to
point out that I was doing three times the work of my coworkers.

Here’s the point (aren’t you glad I finally got to it?): I want more
money, now that I’m doing more work. All of the coworkers that I am
busting my ass for make more than me, but I’m doing the brunt of the
work. We’re eligible for salary review in the new year, but in the
words of Cuba Gooding Jr., “Show me the money,” NOW. What is the best
way for me to broach this with my boss without seeming like a
petulant brat? Should I just wait it out and see what they offer me
in January? I’ve been at this company for a little over a year and
don’t know if I can make it another month if things don’t
change…SOON!

Cubicle Drone

Dear Drone,

Nobody wants to look like they do only the minimum, of course, but certain workplaces will exploit that, especially in the case of a younger employee; if you note that your coworkers’ duties don’t correspond to your job description, or if you ask for more money, you get cast as a whiny slacker.Based on the team-player crap your boss laid on you, I think that’s what’s happening here.

Ask your boss for a formal job description (which you should have done when you first started there, but…lesson learned, I imagine).He’s probably going to try to include everything you’ve now agreed to do for your coworkers, and then he’s probably going to accuse you of trying to “get out of” doing that stuff; give him a bullshit line about working on your team-player skills, write down what he says, thank him for his time, and take a hard look at the parameters of your job.Do your responsibilities overlap with those of your coworkers’?Then you either need to stop agreeing to do your coworkers’ work (another step you should have taken long ago), or you need to ask for a salary commensurate with your larger workload.

Don’t whine.Don’t complain.State the facts in a professional manner.Your boss might give you a reasonable explanation for why he’s structured the job and the workplace the way he has…but on the other hand, he decide to imply that you’re lazy and try to shame you into backing down that way, and if he does, it’s time to look for another job.The longer you stay in that case, the more advantage he will take of your unwillingness to live down to his expectations, and you can’t win.

It isn’t about the salary.It’s about the environment.Ask for respect; if you don’t get it, leave.

Dear Sars,

I always enjoy your advice, and hope you can offer some in my situation.

A year and a half ago, my boyfriend of seven years and I broke up when we finally recognized that we should not get married.We stayed friendly, and see each other frequently.About a month ago, I realized what has been obvious to everyone else, which is that I am not over him.I’m not sure he is completely over me, but he has made much more progress than I have, and has dated other people.I called for time apart, and have been focusing on who I would like to be, and how I can be ready to date other people.

Now, my ex and I share a sport, and it is very important to both of us.There are two pick-up games for our sport in town, one slightly more proficient than the other.When I asked for time apart, I immediately claimed the more proficient game, partly because I have been improving lately, and would like to continue, and partly because there are more date-able men at the more proficient game.I know it isn’t fair to keep him from the “good” pick-up game, but I know that I will get over him, and we can return to sharing it.And I’ve told him that if he gives me notice, we can switch off for a stretch.

All this has been okay, so far.But the ex recently warned me that he has started a relationship with a woman who wants to move to our city to be with him.This raises two problems.

First, she is really good at our sport (much better than I am).Based on her skill level, she clearly belongs at the better pick-up game.Our pick-up games have a very strong ethic of including everyone, and we are especially happy to have skilled women join the game.

This game is one of my main social venues.We play twice a week, and always go out after.The thought of seeing her there turns my stomach.(She used to hit on my ex when we were dating; back then, he turned her down.)I am extremely conflict-averse, so my first thought was to quit the sport, but that freakin’ sucks.I want to keep going, and I don’t want her there.She’s coming for a scouting visit next week, and I have asked the ex to please not mention the game to her, and he has agreed.But if she moves here…

Second, I started a league here in town.I mean, I did it.I incorporated the non-profit, got the fields, got the insurance, advertised it, got captains, ran the draft, organized everyone and made it happen.What the fuck do I do if she shows up and wants to play in the league?I did not put hundreds of hours into organizing a league so the skank who moved in on my ex could enjoy herself at our sport once a week.I do all the logistics; I could consistently “lose” her registration, but how slimy is that?

Sars, in some ways I have a ton of power in this situation.I have worked very hard in our sport, and people in our community appreciate my effort and participation.If I snubbed her, most people would probably follow my lead.But in some ways I feel really powerless.If she shows up, the right thing to do is to include her.

I know the long-term solution is to get over my ex, and get to the point where I can be happy for him and whomever he shares his life with.I will get there, but I am not there yet, and instead I am pissed, and petty, and sad about knowing they are together.I know I am being immature, but I do not want to have to be gracious just yet (perhaps after I sleep around some).What do I do?What do I do in general, and what do I do when she walks over to us before a game one day?

Thanks,
Pick-up This, Skank!

Dear Pick,

I understand how you feel.I do.I sympathize.But.

A year and a half has gone by, and regardless of how you feel — and you do have a right to feel however you feel, no matter how petty — the statute of limitations on acting petty is up.The new girl is probably not a skank, actually, and she didn’t “move in on” your ex, either, because, again…a year and a half.It sucks that you haven’t gotten over him, but you really can’t act like a wronged party anymore.

You don’t have to like it, but it’s time to suck it up.If she’s a better player, let her join the “better” game, and if you really can’t deal with seeing them together, switch out to the other game for a while — although, frankly, I think that after the initial gut-wrench, having to confront the situation will start to give you closure here.If she wants to join the league, let her join.

The two of you broke up.So far, you haven’t had to face it or act like it, I don’t think, but it’s time — once a year has passed in these situations, everyone has to put their game faces back on (so to speak) and get back to their lives.In private, sulk and cry and draw unflattering pictures of the new girl.Go on a few dates, even if you know it’s not going to go anywhere.Grit your teeth and get through it.It’s hard, but it’s doable, and you do need to do it.

Hey Sars!

You helped me with my construction-related problem when I was “Made Mad by M,” and I have yet another problem that needs solving. It’s a grammar problem, and I’m hoping that you can finally put an end to an argument that started when I was about nine.

I’ll be talking to my mother about something, and perhaps use the phrase “I feel bad for her,” or “I felt really bad when…” My mom always corrects me, claiming that I’m trying to modify “feel” and therefore must say “badly” not “bad.” I vaguely recall reading somewhere that my version is correct. I know that you have a great grasp of grammar, and so I wrote to you. Is my mom really right, as she usually is about these things?

Made My Mom Mad

Dear M4,

The “feel bad/badly” hypercorrection is really common — and I suspect that part of the confusion proceeds from the use of the word “poorly” (as in “Granny is feeling poorly”) because it looks like an “-ly” adverb but it’s actually an adjective.But mostly it’s because people want to sound smart, and don’t stop to think about how the language really works, what each part is supposed to do.Not to trash-talk your mom here; a lot of folks learn the general rules and then over-apply them at the wrong time, because their grammar instruction sucked back in the day and it’s nobody’s fault.

And your mom is wrong.”To feel” is a linking verb (see also “to be,” “to seem,” “to taste”).A linking verb requires a predicate adjective, not an adverb; “I feel bad for her” is correct.”I feel badly for her” isn’t, because it means something entirely different — either you feel for her, but you don’t do a good job doing so, or you are physically feeling an object with your hand on her behalf and not getting a good sensory impression of it.Neither of those things really makes any sense anyway, so…no.

One of my middle-school English teachers used to call linking verbs “neck-up verbs” so we’d know when to use them, and it’s a good rule of thumb for when you can’t decide whether a predicate adjective or an adverb is appropriate.Substituting the verb “taste” is also handy.In any case, once and for all, now and forever, amen, it’s “I feel bad.”

[10/1/03]

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