Sars,

I’ve been reading the problem of and answers to Officemate with interest. Although I don’t have a co-worker with this abusive boyfriend problem, I do have a close friend. Although I don’t think it’s gotten to the point of physical abuse. He clearly is a loser in every form of the word though: married, cocaine addict, alcoholic, fraudulent loan officer, tax cheat, and as I recently found out, he encourages other men to “test” her out, mainly by grabbing her breasts, which no, she has not allowed, thank god. Your guess is as good as mine why she sticks around.

And I have to hear about it day in and day out and the more I hear, the angrier I get, both at him for being a total oxygen thief and at her for letting him do this to her.

My reaction until now has been to listen and express my outrage and my support when she did dump him, but eventually went back. But I am just getting sick of it now. It’s just pathetic and I have nothing more to say about it besides “get away from the bastard” which obviously does no good.

I’m inclined to do exactly what the woman who called Susan the emotional vampire suggested. To clearly state my refusal to discuss it anymore with her. I do think my friend is also a bit of a drama queen attention-seeker because she equates that with people caring about her. And I also want to support her and let her reach her own decision like the next letter suggested. She’s been in really bad relationships before, so I suppose eventually she’ll come to her senses. Though she claims it won’t be until she meets another guy to take her mind off this one. Which I find patently ridiculous, never having been of the boyfriend saves all mindset.

But the whole thing is driving me crazy, and I find myself making excuses to her sometimes about not hanging out with her because I know the topic will eventually turn back to him no matter what we talk about.

Am I a horrible friend? Is there anything at all I can do or say to make her see the light and gain some self-esteem to dump him?

Seeker of your truth,
Guiltily Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

When people complain and complain and complain about something — their jobs, their wives, their apartments, their pets, whatever — and don’t do anything about it, or even try, it punishes my nerves too.I complain a lot myself, so that’s very hypocritical of me, I realize.I know some problems seem really big and daunting and it’s easier to complain.But after a few months or a year of chewing on the same issue, it does start to get…tiring.

But I’ve found, from writing an advice column and in real life, that people don’t want advice or help as much as they want someone to listen to them.They want to think out loud.They want validation.It’s like, “Ohhh, here’s my pathetic life, ohhh, I suck and my life sucks, ohhh…will you still like me?”People seldom complain and expect you to do anything about it; they usually just want to vent.

You’re not a horrible friend.But there’s nothing you can do, except to start changing the subject a little more forcefully.I mean, part of friendship is worrying the same topics to death, but when it shifts from a conversation to a monologue on the same subject over and over again and you find yourself wanting to avoid her — well, she’s not going to stop, so after ten minutes, drop the hammer on it.

Dear Sars,

I would really like an outside opinion on this situation.

Two weeks ago, I went to an alumni party. One of my closest friends from school came up for it (it’s an annual event; she comes up every year and stays with me the weekend), and I invited my cousin to come along as her escort. They’d met before and got along fine; it was just supposed to be a casual thing (especially since she’s married). But it didn’t turn out that way.

They got on like a house on fire, had a wonderful time together, she’s now left her husband (which she was planning to do before she hooked up with my cousin), and is planning to move up here with her kids. I honestly think that she would have left her husband anyway, and that meeting Cousin just got her to the point faster. If they make each other happy, I’m happy. And I’d love to have her up here.

But it’s all going too fast, and I feel responsible (guilty). They never would have met without me. He was instrumental in finding her a divorce attorney (he has connections). She’s coming with her kids to house-sit for me at the end of the month, which gives them more time together. They’re already talking marriage after two weekends together.

None of it is really my business (is it?). I’ve told them both that I think they’re moving too fast and I’m worried for both of them and her kids. I don’t know if I should do anything further, or if I should just shut up and be supportive of both of them.

It’s all so soap-opera and melodramatic. I feel like there’s something I should do but I don’t know what, and I really don’t want to stick my nose in any farther than I already have. Can you give me any advice?

Thanks,
Jess

Dear Jess,

Oh, you’ve already said plenty.”None of it is really my business (is it?). I’ve told them both that I think they’re moving too fast and I’m worried for both of them and her kids.”Ohhh-kay.I mean, you obviously think it is your business, or you wouldn’t have informed them that you disapprove.And I don’t think you feel “guilty” as much as annoyed that they didn’t consult you.

Your friend is an adult.Your cousin is an adult.The relationship is their responsibility.You seem to think that, because you catalyzed the affair and because you know them both, you get a say in what happens now, but you don’t.I mean, I don’t disagree with you that it’s kind of a sketchy situation; you don’t have to like it, of course.But you should spend a little less time worrying about what they do, and a little more time thinking about why it bothers you so much.Either way, eyes on your own paper from now on.

Well, I am turning to someone anonymous because my problem is with my closest woman friend and I have no other female friends to talk to who do not run in the same circle. So anyway, here goes:

My friend and I have been friends, off and on, for about seven years now. At first, I was a bit crushed out, and that ended up getting in the way of our relationship, to the point of us not talking for about a year and a half. About three years ago, we began to patch things up and our friendship has grown even stronger, and the whole crush thing has quietly gone away. I have made no queries, had no issues, no hurt feelings, no jealousy, et cetera. At least on two occasions, including her visiting NYC when I lived there, we even slept in the same bed without even the slightest problem.

And then comes a wedding. Not either of ours, mind you, but our good friend’s. And this isn’t about us hooking up; it’s about me hitting on her pretty badly while being in a bad, bad state. Taking three years of building up a relationship and risking the whole thing just for a night of action. I feel horrible about doing it, but worse, she is talking about just scrapping everything again. And I really don’t want that.

I can honestly say that I have no lingering feelings about wanting to be in any sort of romantic relationship with her. I lack the desire for her specifically, and she is really not the type of person I date. So the hitting-on bit was quite surprising to me.

I guess the question is, where do I go from here? I have apologized profusely and sworn up and down that it was an aberration. I understand that the only thing I can do is prove myself over time. But I really blew her trust out of the water, and she is having a hard time even giving me that chance. Any advice?

Bad Friend

Dear Bad Friend,

Three words: In vino veritas.Blah blah blah “we even slept in the same bed without even the slightest problem” blah blah blah “no lingering feelings” blah blah blah “lack the desire for her specifically” blah blah blah “she is really not the type of person I date” blah blah blah I-think-the-gentleman-doth-protest-too-much-cakes.Because, see, there’s you insisting that you don’t want her anymore at all, no way, uh-uh.And then there’s you getting trashed and trying to take it to the hoop with her.Hmmm.Yeah.You still want her.You’d convinced yourself otherwise, but booze trumps denial every time.

What next?Well, before you do anything else, admit that you haven’t told yourself the whole truth about your feelings for her, and decide how you want to deal with that, because you do need to deal with that.”But –“No, dude.Not buying it.Still wanting her isn’t wrong, but don’t lie to yourself about it anymore.It doesn’t work, clearly.Own it.

As far as making it up to her goes, tell her you’re sorry for putting her in that position, and get out of her way for a while.Don’t swear that it’ll never happen again; don’t go on about how you don’t want her That Way.Just apologize for putting her in that position, tell her you’ll accept whatever she wants to do, mean it, and step back.You didn’t mean to, but you fucked up, and it’s on her now to say what happens next.

It’s possible that she’ll drop you.It’s unfortunate, but in her position, I’d distance myself too, because I’d feel misled.You haven’t dealt with your feelings for her, and it bit you both in the ass.It sucks, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.

[10/12/01]

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