Dear Sars,

I had the same problem with Depakote and I was leery of shaving my head. I’m off it, as well, and eventually it leaves your system, but valproic acid is lipophilic (so it won’t flush out of your system with water) and likes to hang out in your liver for a while (in fact, he might have taken blood tests at the time to make sure he never had a toxic amount in his liver) so a liver cleanse might hasten things.

Another thing: Depakote is linked to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The syndrome itself is not applicable here, but PCOS is due in part to hormones going out of whack, and one symptom of PCOS is hair loss. This may or may not apply to men, but I also suggest he get a blood test to check for his fsh/lsh ratio.

Best wishes,
S

Dear S,

Thanks for the tip.Other advice appears below; if it’s a suggestion I got more than once, it’s asterisked.

Nioxin shampoo and conditioner*
Nioxin hair pills*
Switch to a raw-food diet to address vitamin/mineral deficiencies
Keep your hair short*
Just use the Rogaine
Pre-natal or biotin supplements*
Visit a doctor
Propecia*

Dear Sars,

I write for some of your typically crushing and apt advice because my general ignorance (due to avoidance) of office politics appears to have placed me in a situation I cannot resolve. My letter is a little long due to the back story, but I think it’s all relevant to the current problem.

I share a secretary (“Ann”) with three other attorneys (“Larry,” “Curly,” and “Moe”). Another secretary (“Bea”) sits next to Ann and they both sit between the four attorneys. Generally, we six get along rather well, though there is somewhat of a typical divide between the two secretaries and the four “bosses” (some bases: age, income, interests, even where we live). Bea is not our secretary, but she helps some of us out occasionally. Due to that and her proximity, we generally do things like get her a Christmas present, just as we would Ann.

A few weeks ago, Bea had a birthday. Her actual birthday was on a Saturday and Larry, Curly, Moe, and I did no more than wish her happy birthday on Friday and ask about her weekend on Monday. Moe, who doesn’t work on Fridays, may have done even less than that. We genuinely, inexcusably forgot to do anything on Friday and were somewhat inconsiderate for screwing up our opportunity to make her feel nice on Monday. Flowers and a card would have been sufficient and I regret not stepping up after Curly told me she’d “try” to bring in flowers Monday “if she remembered.” Obviously, she didn’t. Unfortunately, Bea’s boss didn’t realize it was her birthday until the following Monday and her Old Boss — who she was devoted to — didn’t say anything right away either. Old Boss apparently rarely remembered in the several years they worked together while she always organized a little party for his birthday. But Bea has a lot of other friends in the office who did nice things for her birthday.

Alas, Larry turned 30 two weeks after Bea’s birthday. For a week beforehand, Bea randomly kept nagging me, asking what we were going to do for Larry’s birthday and I said I didn’t know, but would coordinate with Curly and Moe. My birthday was about two weeks before Bea’s and I assure you she made no effort to mark the occasion outside of verbal birthday greetings — no card, no lunch, no flowers, no present. I wasn’t sure why she decided I was tasked with coordinating for Larry, but I didn’t mind. Being busy, I didn’t get on it until the day before. I rallied some other attorneys for Larry’s big lunch (these lunches usually do not include the secretaries and no one expects them to, and I know Bea didn’t expect that). After we realized that Curly and Moe would be unavailable for any lunch, Bea informed us three that she would buy a small cake for an afternoon celebration for the six of us, which Curly, Moe, and I thought was a great idea and Curly actually offered that she, Moe, and I would pay.

Curly later told me that she thought Bea was being overattentive because the four attorneys essentially forgot her birthday and Ann took Bea out to a very pricey, hip restaurant in town, which somehow makes us even bigger jerks. As those two are closer to each other, I’m not sure how that logic works or how it’s remotely fair, but that’s what Curly surmised. Curly was whispering all this to me with my door wide open and Bea yards away, but Bea did not seem to hear. I shrugged off Curly’s comments at the time — stupidly, I don’t like to assume people are that petty. To be honest, though, I actually think that Curly’s offer to pay was motivated by some lunatic counter-passive-aggressiveness — essentially, “You can’t show us up by buying a cake because we’ll pay for it thus depriving you of the satisfaction of being a better person! Ha!” This is why I am usually happy to be out of the loop of all office drama. I don’t get pretending to be nice for the express purpose of fucking with someone else who you don’t even care that much about.

But here’s where I get stupid. As I was organizing Larry’s lunch — with my door closed, whispering — I relayed this whole sordid passive-aggressive theory to an invitee who sits on another floor, and who, to her credit, did not seem to care. I think Bea overheard because she hasn’t talked to me since. And it’s really just me. She’s talking to Larry, Curly, and Moe. She’s usually very friendly and jokey and teases me with an affectionate nickname. But now? Nothing. She doesn’t even look up to say “hi” anymore when I leave my office though she’s literally right outside my door.

I know it was inappropriate for me to engage in the very office gossip that I deride and I broke the cardinal rule — don’t gossip about someone who’s sitting right outside your office — but how the hell could she have heard me with my door closed if she didn’t hear Curly? Sure, I did feel a little surge of excitement that I had gossip of my very own to share, but it wasn’t that bad! And it was just one time. I don’t think I’m misinterpreting the source of her current behavior, and so I feel a little like I’m being blamed for a lot more than I deserve. I’ll admit that I have some concern about preserving a good reputation around the office and I dislike that anyone I don’t have an issue with has an issue with me — I’m considered to be a pretty friendly, fun, easygoing person. What I really want to know is how do I re-establish a tolerable, healthy, if not entirely friendly working relationship?

Oh, and Bea never bought that cake.

Signed,
I’m At Worst 37% At Fault

Dear That’s 36% More Than You Should Give A Shit,

“Bea, I notice that you aren’t speaking to me.Is there an issue we need to clear up here?”If she acknowledges that there is, apologize — for whatever.You didn’t mark her birthday, you gossiped, it’s no real reflection on your feelings about her or her work and you’re sorry, and it won’t happen again.

If she gives you the cow-eyes blinking and the “…What do you mean?”, fuck it.It’s her problem, and she doesn’t work for you, so make a command decision to care about what people think of your work, not your personality, and if she wants to stew silently over bullshit because she thinks she works at a sorority and not a law firm, it’s not really your problem.

Staying out of this kind of thing worked for you before; go back to doing that.

Dear Sars,

I love your advice, and basically I need you to kick me in the pants. There’s a guy who I have known since university (about a total of six years now) and there had always been sexual tension weirdness and attraction between us (as well as some making out). That was all great and trouble-free…until we stopped talking three years ago due to him standing me up for a coffee date. Last year, out of the blue, he contacts me…and I am basically all “I know he’s a dick, but why not get together for coffee?”

I had never wanted to date him before, but after this coffee meeting I fell for him hard. He had just gotten out of a relationship and didn’t want to date anyone. We started talking more often, but he would cancel plans on me with the most random of reasons, but the type which you wouldn’t question (food poisonings, migranes, et cetera). But when we do get together he tells me that he could talk to me for hours, we have sleepovers (nothing happens beyond kissing and groping), dinners, drinks, awesome conversation, palpable sexual tension, and so on. He tells me that it’s not that he doesn’t want to date me, it’s that he doesn’t want to date anyone. I accuse him of wanting to keep me on the line to basically boost his ego, and of course he denies it (what else can he do?). We decide we can’t even be friends because I want something that he doesn’t. Yet he contacts me again three weeks later (“I miss talking to you, blah blah”).

The pattern turns into something like this: we email and text all the time, I suggest we get together, he agrees, we make plans, he flakes out. I get angry, feel guilty about getting angry, and let him get away with it. Email and text begin anew.

Here are my questions: What the frig does “it’s not that I don’t want to date you, it’s that I don’t want to date anyone” mean? Do you think that’s ever true? How can I cut off communication with him without feeling guilty and without being overly dramatic? Do you even think that’s necessary?

Thanks,
About to tape a kick-me sign to my back

Dear Kicks,

What the frig does “it’s not that I don’t want to date you, it’s that I don’t want to date anyone” mean? Do you think that’s ever true?

It means he doesn’t want to date you.And…no.

I’m sorry to put it so harshly, and I think most of the people who say this think they mean it — but when someone else comes along that this guy does want to date?He will date her.I have seen it happen literally a hundred times.He knows he should feel That Way about you, but he doesn’t for whatever reason, and he also doesn’t have the balls to cut things off between you, so he just lets it go along like this, making up bullshit uncheckable excuses about food poisoning when in actuality he’s got plans with another girl.

Sorry again.But: this is what’s happening.He’s not trying to hurt you, but he’s not trying not to hurt you either.Not good enough, lady.

How can I cut off communication with him without feeling guilty and without being overly dramatic? Do you even think that’s necessary?

“[Name], I am in love with you.You aren’t in love with me back, though, and that’s nobody’s fault [it’s totally his fault, but whatever, save the blaming for getting drunk with your friends because the idea is to give this speech and bail], but I can’t go on like this with it never going anywhere, feeling like you’re waiting for someone better to come along.Maybe we can be friends in the future, but for right now, I need some space.Don’t call me or contact me in any other way for [X = number greater than 3] months.”Delete his number from your phone, delete his email address from your address book, put Post-Its on any bottles of alcohol reminding you not to contact him, change your hairstyle, and move the fuck on.

It’s absolutely necessary.See the first part of my answer for why.Because he’s not an outright dick, it’s harder to see his behavior as dickish, and you want it to work out because you care about him — but also because, if it doesn’t work out, you think it means you’re unloveable in some way.The truth is, he’s just not right for you.He doesn’t love you.He’s not going to love you.He already doesn’t respect you.You can keep putting yourself in a position to feel not good enough, or you can stay home and watch Space Ghost on DVD.

This guy is…That Guy.When a guy who isn’t That Guy comes along, a guy who is right for you, believe me, you are going to know.You aren’t going to have to hear these weak excuses; you aren’t going to have to analyze the thing to death with your friends over pinot; you aren’t going to feel that swoop in your stomach every time he tries to sound casual mentioning another woman’s name, and fails.I know the right guy is hard for you to imagine at this point, but I am here to tell you three things: 1) he exists, 2) you deserve him, and 3) he is a paid fucking vacation with free drinks compared to That Guy.But for now, start with a regular old garden-variety vacation from That Guy.

Punt him.You won’t regret it (long).

[10/19/06]

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