Sars,

I feel like I should be coming up with some clever
introduction like most people do, but frankly I just
don’t have the energy.

My mom has cancer and has been told that she has less
than six months to live.I just finished graduate
school and have moved in with my parents to help them
through this time and to be with her.Obviously
there’s not a thing that can be done about the
situation.I’m writing to see if you or any of your
readers have some idea or advice as to how to get
through this time without going stark raving mad.I’m
already halfway there so maybe it’s too late.

I had to move to another state five hours away from
home to be with my parents.Due to this I don’t have
any friends up here and don’t have the inclination or
energy to go out and make any.My dad needs to work
to keep the family afloat and his hours change every
week.Someone always needs to be with my mom so I
can’t get a job since I would never know day to day
when I’ll have free time.Because of these
circumstances I’m spending pretty much all day every
day with my mom, which is how I want it, but it’s
getting a little overwhelming.

I want to be able to enjoy this time with her and make
the most of it, but the problem is she barely has the
energy or mobility to get from her bedroom to the
bathroom.I’m obviously not thinking very clearly at
this point in time and just can’t come up with
anything for us to do together other than sit and
watch TV or play board games.It’s not that we can’t
have fun with those two activities, but there are only
so many Law and Order reruns and games of Scrabble
that you can play without it getting monotonous.The
repetitive nature of our days is just draining me so
badly that I feel like I don’t even have the energy to
make our time together enjoyable.I get out of the
house when I can to recharge and it helps, but within
a couple of hours we’re just sitting in the den like
lumps again.I feel as if I’m wasting the last of the
time that I have with her and it’s just breaking my
heart.I tried to suggest that the family go on a
trip together.At least then we’d be sitting doing
nothing in a new and nicer environment, but she and my
dad both agree that she doesn’t have the energy for a
trip and it’s too risky to leave in case something
happens.

I just can’t think of any other ways to fill our time.
I’ve suggested reading, but she doesn’t have the
attention span or ability to focus long enough.I
know we should be talking and maybe putting together
some photo albums to share memories and to bond during
this time and the like.However, I just can’t imagine
something like that taking up more than an hour or two
of the day.What do we do for the other 22 hours?I
have a feeling that this is just one of those
situations that doesn’t have any true fixes or easy
solutions.I’m just hoping maybe I’m missing some
obvious ideas due to a mental block and my depressed
state of mind.

Any advice would be truly appreciated.Thanks so
much.And let me also apologize for what was probably
a somewhat rambling letter that wasn’t put together
terribly well.My mind is all over the place right
now.

Sincerely,

Terrified That The Last Memory Of My Mother Is Going
To Involve A La-Z-Boy And An Episode of Seinfeld

Dear Terrified,

The first order of business, I think, is to give yourself a break.You have a lot on your plate, emotionally and physically, and to expect yourself to be the activities director, on top of being the primary caregiver and having to deal with the fact that your mother’s illness is terminal, is maybe too much.You’re doing the best you can and it sounds to me like you’re doing great, so if you’re not up to making balloon animals for a little variety, well, you aren’t — and your mom no doubt understands.

I think the photo albums are a good idea, actually; it’ll probably take longer than you think.You can also read the paper out to her, and do the crossword together; you can find a book of short stories and read that; you can watch cooking shows and try to do some of the less ambitious recipes together (or you can try them while she listens in via baby monitor); you can see if a manicurist will come in and do your mom’s nails while all three of you talk shit about the latest tabloid headlines; the point is to spend time together, and I don’t think the activity matters as much as the opportunity to just sit and talk — to keep using that shorthand families have with each other.

My condolences to you and your family, of course, but again: you’re there.You’re passing the time with her.Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I’m sure my readers have some relevant suggestions, so let’s hear from them.Email subject line: “quiet activities.”

Sars,

So, here is my problem — three years ago, I got pregnant and didn’t take my wedding band off before my fingers turned into sausages and I wound up cutting it off (the ring, not the finger).

Jump to three years later and I am working on getting pregnant again. Unfortunately, I can’t get my rings off! (I lost all the baby weight, it was all the other weight that is a problem.) I was dumb enough to put them both back on and now I’m sort of screwed. My wedding band is still missing a small segment (never did get it fixed), so that should be easy enough to get off if I can get my engagement ring off. That band is much wider and I really don’t want to cut it.

Oh, an additional problem is the fact that due to a quirky little medical problem, I cannot try to shrink my finger using cold water or ice because it causes intense, intense pain. Any suggestions? I am willing to try anything.

I’d rather look like an unwed mother than watch my finger pop off due to the pressure of my jewelry!

Dear Pressure,

The only tricks I know for getting rings off are these: 1) wait until morning, when you’re just generally smaller all over (this is why you should try shoes on in the afternoon), and see if you can’t make some headway; 2) use dish soap (get your finger nice and sudsy; work some of the suds under the ring by turning it clockwise, then counterclockwise, on your finger; get someone with dry hands and a little bit of fingernail to steady your wrist with one hand and pull the ring towards them with the other).

This is pretty basic Heloise-type stuff, though.Any readers have a higher-tech or sneakier solution?Email subject line: “stuck ring.”

Dear Sars,

I have a deep fondness for “granny boots” — not the really high Gothy ones with the chunky heels, or the stiletto kind, but the basic, moderately-heeled kind that look like something pioneer women would wear (these would be perfect if they were black and cost $40-60 instead of $90.

Unfortunately, the perfect black granny boots in my under-$60 price range seem ever-elusive.Do you or your readers have any recommendations for brands or stores (besides eBay, which has proven fruitless)?I wear somewhere between 8-9 US W, depending on the brand, and have fairly narrow feet.

Thanks,
Resenting The Fashion Industry

Dear Fash,

Well, it’s hard to find any boots under $60, at least boots that are worth a damn; I don’t love paying more than that either, but I wear my boots so hard in the winter that the price gets amortized pretty well over the course of four months.So, my first piece of advice is to up your price ceiling, at least to $75 or $80 (and Aerosoles is having a boot sale; look for the Pretty Up brand).

The next strategy is to go to Zappos.com (or Nine West, or any other shoe retailer you think is a likely fit); find a few styles that you like; and open searches for them on eBay, by specific style name, with a price cap.This is how I scored a pair of Kate Spade pumps for $120.

Readers, hit it; try to keep the price under $100.Email subject line: “black granny boots.”

[10/27/06]

Share!