Dear Sars,

My cat, like yours, tends to vomit from time to time.She has had this problem for ten years now, so I’m not worried about her health; it’s just the way she is.Instead, I would like to know if you have a good method for getting hork stains off of carpet.I have tried many different spray cleaners and even bought one of those mini “deep cleaner” machines that shoots a mixture of cleaner and hot water into the carpet and then sucks it back up.But all I get is a clean spot in the carpet with a cat-food-colored stain in the middle of it.Are there any particular products that you like or techniques that work for you?

Sincerely,
Go Spot Go

Dear Spot,

Yeah.Move to an apartment with linoleum flooring.Worked like a damn charm.

…Not so much?Okay.The first thing is to give your cat food that’s as organic and low in additives as possible; I don’t know for sure that Meow Mix contains dyes, but on the other hand I don’t think those pinky-orange pieces are that color naturally, and if your cat is eating food with color added, that color will then be “added” to your rug.

If you’re already giving her Science Diet or whatever, the second thing is to get the barf up off the carpet as soon as it hits.I myself haaaaaaate picking up still-warm yook, but the less time it spends on the carpet, the less time it spends falling in love with the fibers.And the third thing is just to pick it up — straight up.Don’t rub; don’t press.Pick the bulk of it up, and then sprinkle some salt on what’s left and lightly pat it with a towel (paper is fine) to get the rest.

Everyone has different methods for this — I think my mother used white vinegar — so ask your other cat-owning friends, or down at the pet store, or at your vet.But honestly, getting the hurl off the carpet as soon as it’s hurled is most of the battle.

Dear Sars,

So, I’ve got a question. I know it’s something I have to find my own
solution to, eventually, but I’d appreciate another point of view.

When I was a teenager, I was raped. It really, really screwed me up for
a long time, but I’m dealing with it now, with a lot of help from
friends and therapy. The thing is, I’ve never told any member of my
family what happened. Specifically, I’ve never told my mother.

My mother made the whole thing worse during my teens by constantly
detailing the number of ways in which “girls like me” can ask to get
raped: my clothes, my behaviour, where I went, what I did; all of them
meant that I was guilty. She didn’t know what she was doing, but it was
still wrong, and it still made me want to die. And the more I deal with
it and recognise that it wasn’t my fault, the more I wish I could talk
to her about what her attitudes did to me.

But it’s more complicated than that. My mother suffers from chronic
depression. Telling her that her child was raped would really hurt her.
I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to make her sicker. I love
her, and I really value that in almost every way, she was and is a great
parent.

So, should I tell her, or keep it to myself? I have plenty of support
and a good life. I’ll survive, one way or another. Am I just wanting to
hurt her the way she hurt me, or is this actually about healing and
moving on?

Sign me,
The bad daughter

Dear Bad,

I think it’s probably more about wanting to stick it to her for behaving insensitively — which is, I think, totally natural.I would have snarled at her ages ago.

But I also think you have to look at what you hope to get out of saying anything.Do you want her sympathy and support, or do you just want to get her back?Again, not that there’s anything wrong with the latter, but you’ve said yourself that getting her back might cause more problems than it solves.And if it’s the former, do you think you’ll get the reaction you want — or is she going to be obtuse again, and make it all about her and her attitudes?

Because if you think you can get a certain closure from telling her what happened to you, regardless of her reaction, you should do it.It’s part of your life, and you shouldn’t have to hide it to spare her — but if you want a sort of cinematic moment of understanding on her part, you might not get that, and if you’re pretty sure you won’t given her history (or that she’ll just get too upset to focus), maybe you’re better off keeping it to yourself.

If you want to open up to her about it, you should, but you know her limits, emotionally, and you should go into the discussion remembering those so that you’re not hurt all over again.

Hi Sars,

I have a etiquette question that I’d like to get your advice on.In July of 2005, my husband and I will be celebrating our tenth anniversary, and plan to throw a little party in Las Vegas.We’re getting remarried, and generally just want the family around to help us celebrate.

My dilemma is this.We have four nieces/nephews on the hubby’s side that are all under 21, and since Vegas just isn’t much of a party town for anyone not of legal age, we weren’t planning on inviting them.However, on our last family visit, I accidentally spilled the beans at dinner, and the older two girls, who will be 17 and 18 at the time, heard and are now all excited about going.Yikes.

To make things even messier, I have a niece who IS just barely over 21, but since we’re not inviting the other kids, we weren’t planning on inviting her either.This shindig is going to be sisters/brothers, their spouses or SOs, and parents only.

So, any ideas on what would be the easiest and least offensive way to state this?Or do we just hope that the two girls forget about it, since it is over a year off anyway?We don’t want anyone to be hurt or offended, but in all honesty we really just don’t want them there.Any advice that you could give would be greatly appreciated.Thanks!

Me and my big mouth

Dear Mouth,

“This shindig is going to be siblings, SOs, and parents only.”When you want certain people excluded from an event, the price of that is explicitly excluding them.People do take offense at that — the family package deal is sort of assumed at stuff like this — but if you don’t want to do it that way, don’t.Yes, you’ll probably piss the girls off if they remember and still want to go, but…that’s baseball.If you don’t want them there, you’ve got no choice but to say so, I’m afraid.

You have to decide whether it’s more important to you to have the celebration you want, or to make everyone else happy.Each one has its price; I can’t tell you which one is lower.

Dear Sars,

My question is pretty sticky…what should one do about a coworker whose dress is unacceptable?We’re a pretty casual workplace, but oh man, this one new employee has been testing it from day one.He’s an administrator, same as me, and hasn’t shown up in a decent outfit since the interview process (of which I was a minor participant).We are a public institution, and even though a lot of us wear jeans and casual tops nobody wears badly-fitting clothes.Or stained clothes.Or clothes torn through the armpits.Coworker has worn all of these.He wears a baseball cap to work every day, along with t-shirts with writing over worn-out old chino pants.(And he has plumber’s crack from his pants sagging.)One day he had to staple his shirt back together because it was falling apart. (And he knew it, because he was wearing a shirt underneath to cover himself up a bit…credit where it’s due, I suppose.)

On one hand, I’m not aware that our supervisor has said anything to Coworker.But the other employees are talking about him and have little or no respect for him mainly because he presents such a poor image to the public.I have no desire to embroil myself in an awkward situation where I’m trying to sputter “you dress like a sweaty frat boy although you are almost 40!”Do you think leaving a flyer subtly among his things on work attire would be a polite way to alert him to the situation?Or should I say something to our supervisor?(I’m really not wanting to do that, like some sort of stoolie.)I bet you know some super-cool, truly awesome way to resolve this issue, Sars, and I’m hoping you can help me.I have tried to simply ignore Coworker’s poor hygiene, but I find myself highly disappointed that a candidate I advocated for has performed such a bait-and-switch on our place of work.

Personally, I feel bad for the guy.He’s balding (hence the hat, I guess), and claims to have been very fat in the past so perhaps I am insensitive to his issues.Tell it like it is, Sars.

The View From The Top Is Frightening

Dear View,

How is this your problem?Does his dress interfere with your or anyone else’s ability to work?No?Then leave it alone.

If it’s a problem that warrants mentioning, your supervisor will mention or has mentioned it to him, but unless his sloppy attire makes it harder for you to get work done, it isn’t your business — and if said attire is affecting your work, take it up with your supervisor, but I don’t see how that could be, unless the “public” has complained to you about him.

Eyes on your own paper.

Dear Sars,

My uncle is getting married for the third time next month, and my parents have very kindly offered to pay for my plane ticket to the wedding. I’ve arranged for a weak off work, talked to my cousin about crashing at her place, and am generally psyched for a well deserved vacation in San Francisco. There is just one little problem.

My mom told me yesterday that the invitation specifies a dress code. Instead of the usual ‘black tie’ or ‘casually elegant’ (how is that possible anyway?) the dress code is ‘shades of white.’ Sars, I had my dress all planned. A good friend of mine is a clothing designer and I decided to splurge and have her create a dress just for me. We collaborated on the pattern and spent a fun-filled day last week fabric shopping. I have narrowed down the fabric to two options and neither of them is anywhere near white. In fact, I look awful in white. I need colour, especially around my face, or I just look jaundiced.

So, here are my options as I see them. I could damn the invitation and wear what I want, but that seems a bit rude, not to mention the very real possibility of being a little too visible as the only one in maroon. I could scrap the unique special just for me dress idea and buy something cheap and white, but I really want that special dress and did I mention the jaundice? Or, I could go back to the fabric store and pick a different, less vibrant, but still not white fabric. Maybe I could put a white ribbon on it or something.The dress wouldn’t be exactly what I had in mind, but I trust my friend to make something good.

Am I out of line to not want to wear white? This is my uncle’s special day, and he and his new wife have a right to their dream wedding, but I want to look nice too.

Thanks,
With Five Weddings Between the Two of Them Can They Really Tell Us What To Wear?

Dear They Can, And Did,

Yes, you have the right not to want to wear white, but it’s on the invitation, so…just do it.Wear a colorful chunky necklace or a bright scarf if you’re worried about jaundiced in a white dress, but the thing you need to keep in mind when dressing for any wedding is that nobody’s looking at you.Nobody’s going to go home afterwards and gossip about how washed out you looked.

Save the custom-made dress for another time, find a vintage cream-colored frock on eBay, accessorize it with lots of green jewelry and some self-tanner, and move on with your life.

[10/6/04]

Share!