Dear Sars,

First, thank you thank you for saving me from death by boredom at many a lame temp job.

Now, my question: which is correct, “Napoleon was from France,” or “Napoleon is from France”?People almost always use “was” when explaining where a deceased person is from, but I wonder if this is just a convention that has developed because we refer to everything about a dead person in the past tense.Was implies a completed act, but dead or alive, Napoleon is still from France.

Thanks for clearing this one up.

Yours,
Who’s Buried in Grant’s Tomb?

Dear Nobody; Mr. And Mrs. Grant Are Entombed There,

I don’t think either “is” or “was” is incorrect, but I prefer “was” — from France or not, Napoleon is still dead, if you see what I mean.

Dear Sars,

Here’s an entirely unoriginal problem and a question to which I already
know the answer(s). I have a crush on my roommate and he knows it (because
I told him so one drunken night). At the time of my confession he said
absolutely nothing, which I interpreted to mean “um, no, I’m not
interested, and let’s please not talk about this again.”

The next morning I
woke up with a headache and a sinking feeling, but he was wonderful and did
the opposite of what I expected — he spent more time with me rather than
less, he actually called in the middle of the day just to say “hello,” he
made me feel as if I had done nothing wrong and made it clear that we were
still okay and could continue to be friends. We never talked about the “issue.”

Two months later, I wish he had been a jerk; I wish he had avoided me and
given me reasons to hate him rather than like him more. Neither of us is
seeing anyone and, however much I enjoy the current flirty mood of mock
fights and giggly conversations around the kitchen table, I know the sliver
of hope that he might like me is going to turn into frustration,
resentment, and anger (in that order) as I yet again realize that, indeed,
we are just friends.

Let me also add that I can’t move right now for financial reasons (foreign
student who can’t work off campus and all that; if I could take a job so I
could afford to live on my own, believe me, I would). I tried going on
dates, and I was even willing to go out again with people I didn’t find
terribly attractive, but nothing panned out. I am currently doing nothing,
hoping for the best and trying to figure out how to have a relationship
with this man (and not be frustrated). I both hope that he will start
seeing someone and dread that moment when I’ll sit down to coffee with his
girlfriend.

How do I move on? Especially, how do I move on given that I’m not the kind
of person who can just get herself a boyfriend at the drop of a hat? Maybe
what is still bothering me (after all this time) is his silence; maybe I
just needed an outright rejection. I need some kind of outside perspective.

Thanks,
Still wondering though I should know better

Dear Still,

I don’t think even an outright rejection would have done it here; you know intellectually that it isn’t going to happen, but emotionally you’re hanging onto it for some reason.Maybe because you’re far from home, maybe because you’ve had bad or painful experiences in the past and it’s easier, or safer, to crush on someone that’s basically hopeless — I don’t know.But you aren’t motivated to let go of it.

Which, whatever — we’ve all done it, taken refuge in a going-nowhere crush instead of cutting it dead.But I do think you need to start forcing yourself to act more like it’s not going to happen; you need to spend less time giggling with him and more time out of the house with other friends, doing other things.Bringing the issue up again is just going to make things awkward, and you already know the answer, so it’s probably time to start behaving like it even if you’re reluctant to give up hope.

You don’t have to go out on dates if you’re not feeling it; in a lot of ways, that’s more depressing than having nothing to do.Try to enjoy being single — the freedom of it.Try to cut down on your exposure to him.The more separating you can do on your own, now, the less it’ll sting when/if he does bring a girlfriend home.

Dear Sars:

I was friends with a group of guys who were all pals with each other.I
began to date one of them, and I ended up marrying him.(I’ll call him
Bob.)He’s a great guy, and I’m happy to be married to him.

When Bob and I first began dating, we were discreet about it, because we
were still trying to figure out our feelings.(This was my idea.)

Right around that time, Bob’s good friend Dave, of said gang, began to flirt
with me.I reacted by laughing it off and avoiding future situations where
it could happen again.And then Bob and I eventually told the gang about
our relationship.The moment he found out, Dave gave me a killer stare over
Bob’s shoulder.That was the end of the Dave-flirting.

Bob and Dave are still good friends.I’ve also remained friendly with Dave.
We’ve never discussed what happened.

When the three of us socialize together, Dave occasionally makes veiled
insults towards me.Comments such as: I gained weight, that I don’t walk in
a lady-like manner, or that I should buy some new clothes.He usually makes
these comments sound like jokes or friendly advice.

These passive-aggressive comments don’t bother me as much as the fact that
my husband Bob ignores them.I feel that Bob should speak up on my behalf,
and tell Dave to shut up.

I’ve tried mentioning these comments to Bob, and he reacts by saying, “Oh, I
don’t think you gained weight!You look great!” or “Are you sure that’s
what he meant?” or “I didn’t hear him say
that.”Et cetera.I know Bob really hates confrontation, so he’d rather not deal
with this.But I’m his wife, shouldn’t he defend me?It almost feels as if
Dave is doing this on purpose, as if to say to me, “See, Bob won’t even
stick up for you.”

What do you think?

Miffed

Dear Miff,

Yeah, Dave probably is doing it on purpose to show you both up — which is so immature that the only response is not to respond at all, which is what Bob has elected to do.If Dave’s comments require a defense, it’s you who should mount it, since it’s you at whom the remarks are aimed — but honestly, Dave is being such an infant that they shouldn’t bother you nearly as much as they do, and you shouldn’t encourage him to keep needling you by appearing to care.

He’s a dink.Either tell him so, stop spending time with him, or ignore him, but don’t turn it into a quorum on how much Bob values you; it’s a waste of energy.

Sars,

I apologize beforehand, because I’m sure this is going to turn into a
novella-length letter. But I really need advice.

My husband and I have been married for two years. He’s my best friend,
I’m his, and we have a great, beautiful relationship. No problems
there.

The thing is, I’ve never really clicked with his stepmother. She
doesn’t really understand me or my husband — we’re very liberal,
die-hard feminists, among other “atrocities” — and she makes no bones
about it. She’s very opinionated, but she has little tact about her.
For instance, the very first time I met her, she started making fun of
my husband’s mother (who committed suicide when my husband was a
child), and went on and on about this woman until finally my husband’s
father stopped her. How’s that for a first impression?

Until earlier this year, though, she wasn’t outwardly hostile towards
me. She does, however, berate my husband almost constantly. My husband
is very smart and just an absolutely wonderful man — I can’t say
enough good things about him. She, on the other hand, can’t say enough
bad stuff about him. She’s always making fun of him, dressing him down
for something he said or did two decades ago when he was a child,
telling him all his ambitions are “delusions of grandeur,” et cetera.

Fortunately, my husband doesn’t see her much, so I haven’t had to
spend a lot of time around her. I’m always friendly to her when I see
her, although I do stick up for my husband when she starts in on him
(of course!).

Things went along like that until earlier this year. I run a site on
which I make fun of high-priced designer wedding dresses. I never make fun
of real brides, and it’s all in good fun — as my readers all know.

Well, my readers asked for more information about me, and some
pictures. I posted a couple of pictures of myself, of my cats, and of
my husband, and also one of my sister-in-law in her wedding dress.
This is my husband’s younger sister, and she is absolutely beautiful.
I was proud of her. These were all posted together, and I didn’t give
my sister’s name (her last name is different from mine, and she
doesn’t even live in the same state as I do).

I know this was stupid of me, and I shouldn’t have done it without
asking her permission. I know that I screwed up on that one. I almost
immediately thought better of it and took the picture down later that
day. There were only about four comments from readers when I took the
entry down (mostly complimenting me on my handsome husband), so I
figured not many people had seen it.

Well, I was wrong. Somehow my mother- and sister-in-law had found the
site (through my name) and had seen it before I took my sis-in-law’s
photo down. My mother-in-law called my husband and said that my
sister-in-law was upset, and my husband explained that I hadn’t meant
anything bad by it, that I was just proud of her, and that I’d already
taken the picture down. I thought all was taken care of.

Ha! The next day, I received a scathing email from my mother-in-law.
She didn’t even mention my sister-in-law or the picture; rather, she
was talking about how cruel I was to have such a site in the first
place. She told me I needed to read the Bible and not make fun of
people because it’s sinful (this is a woman who makes fun of EVERYONE,
by the way, and has a very cruel sense of “humor”). She also told me I
wasn’t worthy to be married to my husband. Basically, in a very long
email full of vitriol, she told me I was going to hell and I was a
lousy person.

I was upset, but I didn’t respond. I didn’t know HOW to respond, first
of all, and I also figured that this didn’t even dignify a response.
Then she started calling our house. My husband, who was thoroughly
pissed because of the email, wouldn’t answer.

The next day, he got an email at his work address from her, saying
that he needed to get his priorities straight and get to church and
all this crap. She said, and I quote, “I’m going to ride your ass
until you face this.” Then she told him something that I’m not sure I
can ever truly forgive her for. My sister-in-law battles OCD and has
been suicidal more than once. My husband’s stepmother told my husband
that his little sister was suicidal again!

My husband freaked out, of course, and immediately contacted his
sister — who was absolutely not suicidal. She wasn’t even that upset
about the whole thing. She just said she wished I’d asked her
permission, but since I’d taken the picture down, everything was fine.

Well, my husband responded to his stepmother with a letter saying
he was tired of the way she treated him and he didn’t appreciate the
way she treated me, et cetera. We didn’t hear from her for a while, but then
she called my husband and apologized to him, and now they’ve resumed
their somewhat strained relationship.

She never apologized to me, but that’s okay. I’m not angry with her
anymore, although it did take me a while to get over my anger, shock,
and hurt. But I’ve never gotten along with her, and after seeing just
how cruel and manipulative she can be, I really don’t want to be
around her anymore.

I have anxiety problems, including panic disorder and social anxiety
disorder. I’m on medication, but it only helps so much, you know? The
last time I was around my mother-in-law (before any of this happened),
I had to lock myself in a bathroom for a few minutes and surrender to
a horrendous panic attack. That’s the effect she had on me then,
before all this!

Now, with the holidays coming up, I feel my anxiety creeping back in.
How should I handle this? Like I said, I’m not angry — I just don’t
know how to deal with her. Do I just double up on my meds and act like
nothing happened? Do I find excuses to stay home from family
gatherings? Do I suck it up and be a big girl and just let what
happens happen? I honestly just don’t want her in my life, because
life’s too short for this sort of negativity and stress. But I like
the rest of my husband’s family, and holidays are about the only times
I get to see them.

What’s your advice? How should I deal?

Thanks,
Coping with a Monster-in-Law

Dear Coping,

Can’t you spend the holidays elsewhere?Like with your own family, or friends — or just the two of you at home?Surely your husband knows the stress his stepmother puts you under, and would be open to alternate arrangements.

But if it can’t be avoided, make it clear to your husband that, if your MIL starts in, you’re leaving — and you don’t care if you traveled 300 miles to get there, you will walk out and go to a motel, or drive home.The woman is crazy, and if you can grit your teeth and get through a couple of days of strained civilities, great — try to keep the peace.But if she’s not interested in keeping the peace, just bail.

Remember that you can do that — that you don’t have to tolerate this woman, because you don’t.I guess your husband does, because he wants a relationship with his father, but what’s your motivation?I know you like the rest of the family, but it’s not like the rest of them ever tell her to shut the fuck up, which they should.Just remind yourself that you have that escape hatch.

And remind yourself that you shouldn’t take her shit seriously.This is a person who used her stepdaughter’s past suicidal tendencies to manipulate your husband.She’s a bad joke, and you should view her as such.Don’t let her control you.

Dear Sars,

I’m currently taking a biology class taught by a prof who
makes no secret of his political beliefs. Silly me, I thought my
tuition money was paying him to teach me anatomy and physiology, not
cheerlead for his candidate. Should I say something to him about it, go
to his department chair, or just bite my tongue until I get the chance to
rip him a new one on his evaluation form?

Thanks,
Fed Up

Dear Fed,

It depends on the political beliefs.Anything offensive/bigoted, or that he’s wasting class time blathering about, the department head should hear about promptly.Admiring citations of Tim LaHaye have no place in the classroom.(Or anywhere else.Shut up, LaHaye Ministries.)

But if he’s just sort of like, “Goldurn tax-and-spend liberals,” it’s not worth making a fuss over — although you should rip on him for that on the evaluation.

[10/7/04]

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