Hi, Sars —

Actually, germs do rinse off.Studies have shown that
washing with tap water alone is as effective (in terms
of the decrease in bacteria and virus counts) as
washing with soap and water.This review paper
summarizes a number of relevant studies:

Kampf, G. and A. Kramer.2004.Epidemiologic
background of hand hygiene and evaluation of the most
important agents for scrubs and rubs.CLINICAL
MICROBIOLOGY REVIEWS 17(4): 863-893.

So unless Grossed Out and EW! is using soap with
medical grade disinfectants, she can rest assured that
the hands of the rinsers are as clean as hers.(Which
is to say, not nearly as clean as they would be if she
used an alcohol-based hand rub.)

I Use The Soap That Makes My Hands Smell Pretty

Dear Soap,

I sit corrected.

I got a bunch of responses to this one, mostly from people who are allergic to the standard industrial bathroom soap and therefore don’t use it, and several rants on the subject of American germophobia contributing to the development of super-strains of bacteria that don’t respond to antibiotics, which is actually a peeve of mine from the perspective of people taking (and doctors prescribing) antibiotics that aren’t necessary.

On top of that, I saw an Early Show like a year ago in which the guest MD claimed that, unless you’re using surgeons’ protocols to wash your hands — scrubbing, hard, for 15 minutes minimum, including under your nails and going up to your elbows — it’s not doing a whole lot of good anyway.I sort of dismissed it at the time as typical “seemingly innocuous foods and habits could kill you” morning-show “journalism,” but now…

I think the answer, overall, is to try not to get too Howard Hughes about stuff like this, generally.I wasn’t raised in a clean-freak household, and I spend so much time on the subway that exposure to invisible cooties is just kind of a given, so your mileage may vary in terms of how sensitive you are mentally to this stuff; my feeling is, my immune system exists for a reason.

Overall, I guess everyone needs to take reasonable precautions for themselves, and do their best not to worry about what everyone else is doing.But then I wouldn’t have a column.Heh.

Dear Sars,

All of my condolences go out to Terrified — my family went through a similar situation with my grandmother last year. There were several children and grandchildren, as well as a hospice nurse, so the grief-management and caretaking weren’t quite as constant, but I can empathize.

I highly suggest a hospice nurse, even just one afternoon a week. Not only does his/her visit provide you with helpful medical information, but these people are trained to talk to and entertain their patients, so it will give Terrified a welcome break and she can ask for ideas.

The photo albums/scrapbooks are great — maybe T and her mom can take up quilting, knitting or needlepoint together, that way she’ll have a tangible memory after her mother passes, too. Painting might be good, too — while T’s mom is still kind of mobile, they might be able to take a short local trip to paint some landscapes or favorite spots. That would provide them both with a change of scenery.

Most of all, my Grandma loved loved loved telling family stories, and remembered things that even my mom, aunt and uncle had never heard! So a few well-placed questions about family history might spark her mom’s memory — maybe a professional historian or storyteller could come in and document it?

I know it sounds trite in the midst of everything, but T is going to be grateful for this time, and memories of endless days will melt away in the face of that. Just hang in there.

All the best,
Been There

Dear Been,

Thanks for the ideas.A number of other readers seconded the suggestion that Terrified look into hospice services in the area, both to bring in some professionally trained back-up and to avoid burnout in the situation.

On another note, thanks to all the readers who shared their firsthand experience with a situation like this, and expressed sympathy and concern for this family.I got so many responses to this letter, and as a result I may not have told each respondent so individually, but your compassion is amazing, and appreciated.Best readers on the internet.

Other ideas appear below; as always, if I got it more than once, it’s asterisked.

specific activities
Write questions for Mom at the top of each page in a blank journal; interview her about her life and her family
Interview her using a Dictaphone or video camera (a book like Bob Greene’s To Our Children’s Children is handy for coming up with questions)*
Read to her*
Knitting/crocheting/needlework*
Listen to audiobooks*
Netflix — especially good for TV series and movies from when Mom grew up*
Crosswords or sudoku*
Go through the photo albums; take notes as she talks*
Scrapbooking*
Compile a cookbook of family recipes*
Day trips/scenic drives*
A meal at a fancy restaurant
Write letters to (future) grandchildren for them to read when they’re older*
Coloring books*
Discuss her memorial and/or any plans for after she’s gone — her will, special items, et cetera*
Take a class online, yourself or with Mom
Gardening, indoor or outdoor*
Ask friends and family to write or tape memories of Mom for an oral-history collection about her life*
Jigsaw puzzles*
Coffee-table books
Little crafts like origami or macaroni jewelry*
Old board games
Card games like cribbage or gin rummy
Just sit and hold her hand and listen, to music or to her talking*
Dominoes
Karaoke (home version)
Do the family tree/a genealogy project (there are programs online)*
Buy or rent a wheelchair for greater mobility*
Look at slides or old home movies*
Load up an iPod with Mom’s favorite music, comedy routines, and so on
Shop online together for nice pajamas
Do a home facial
Get ideas for light interior decorating from magazines or home-redesign TV shows, to change up the indoor scenery a bit

general advice
Formulate a routine/schedule for each day
Contact her friends to have them make periodic visits — spells the caregiver, means a lot to Mom*
Find a peer counselor at the local cancer society
Look for an online community of people in the same situation
Get out of the house for at least an hour a day to recharge*
Write in a journal
www.lotsahelpinghands.com
Remember that you don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be there
Don’t be afraid to leave her be at times

Dear Sars,

This may or may not be vine-worthy, but here goes.I have two daughters, ages 2 1/2 and 1.My husband’s sister has a daughter who is 4.SIL regularly gives us large bags of clothes that her daughter has outgrown.I’m talking LARGE bags, MANY of them.My SIL is quite a shopper (and has a lot more disposable income with which to shop).We’re grateful for the hand-me-downs, the clothes are always in great condition, et cetera.

Now, here’s the issue.There are WAY too many clothes for us to ever use or store.My niece has two dressers and a walk-in closet; my daughters share a room with one dresser each.There is no possible way for us to keep all these clothes.So, I usually sort through and just keep the stuff I like.A lot of it is too floofy, impractical, or covered in Disney logos for my taste anyway.In the past, I’ve given the extras to Goodwill.However, sorting through the latest batch, I told my husband that I was going to try to sell some of the nicer stuff at a local consignment sale.He hit the roof (no, not literally — figuratively!).His opinion is that these clothes were given to us for our daughters to use and any other use is inappropriate.I say that the hand-me-downs constitute a gift and that what we do with them is our own business.It’s not like I’m taking clothes away from the girls; I’m talking about selling the stuff I wasn’t planning to keep anyway.Our family can definitely use the extra couple hundred bucks (yes, there’s that much stuff).

So, Sars, who is right here?Is it inappropriate to sell these clothes (even if I use the money for the girls)?I really hope you don’t tell me to ask my SIL if it’s okay.She would likely get pissy and then just be baffled at why I would bother.She also doesn’t get why I bother to shop in thrift stores.Not so much connected with our reality, but that’s another story.If you say it’s tacky and gross to sell the stuff, I won’t do it.

Thanks,
Feeling Tense About My Grammar, Since I’m Writing to You

Dear Tense,

You have to look at the intent of the gift, I think.Yes, once a gift is given, the giver can’t really control what gets done with it or how it’s used, and the clothes are probably less of a gift, strictly speaking, and more of a favor — but there’s your intent.Your SIL is doing you a favor, really, giving you these clothes for free; I wouldn’t sell them, myself, and if I were her and I found out you’d sold them…I’d be a little put off.

This isn’t about her not getting that you need the money; this isn’t about the money.It’s about respecting the spirit in which they were given — and if you don’t know for a fact that she’d be okay with you selling them, when you do know for a fact that it would bother your husband?Case closed.Give the extra clothes to Goodwill and drop it.You aren’t entitled to sell them, really.

Dear Sars,

I remember reading in one of your entries that you were once involved in the production of a community TV show so you may be able to help me.

Recently a couple of my friends and I were asked if we would like to produce a sketch show for the local community television station. We immediately said yes because we’ve wanted to do this sort of thing for ages. There a couple of problems, though.

Firstly, my friends and I are all in our last year of high school so are very busy with studying and such. I have a lighter load because I am taking easier subjects so will be doing most of the work, but I’m still not sure whether we would have enough time. At the moment we’re thinking that we write during the week, discuss things at lunchtime at school and film all day each Sunday, then I’ll take care of the post-production during the following week. Is that enough time?

The other problem is that two of the people do not get along. My brother, who is the only person I know who knows how to operate a camera, and one of my friends who’ll be acting in it, completely loathe each other. I mean like mortal enemies. They won’t be expected to interact much but could this be a problem?

Sincerely,
Finally! Something impressive to go on my resume

Dear Impress,

I don’t know if you’ll have enough time; if you really want to do the project, you will make the time.But my show 1) consisted of edited-together clips, which is a different thing from writing the material from scratch, and 2) was ten years ago.The Biscuit and I were editing on two VCRs and a Hi-8 camera.The technology was totally different, so I don’t know how much my experience would apply here.

With that said, when The Biscuit fucked off to Brazil for three weeks and I had to turn in episodes or forfeit our time slot, I sat down, strung all the equipment together, recorded the live spots, read the manuals, cried, prayed, got donut crumbs in the equalizer, and got it done.When we had half an hour to put the sound on and physically run it to 23rd Street, we got it done.

But…we got along.We scrapped sometimes over minor issues, but we didn’t hate each other, and on a project like this, you can bleed a lot of time and creative energy dealing with interpersonal issues.Make it clear up front that you expect this not to become a problem while you’re working; they can loathe each other on their own time, but while they’re working on this thing, they need to keep it together.If that means they don’t speak except to communicate where to hit a mark or a focus issue, fine, but they need to act professionally.They may not be able to do that; there are adults who can’t hack that scenario.If you foresee that one or both of them won’t be able to put aside personal feelings, you might consider finding someone else to work with, or putting together another project with a less conflict-laden team, and skipping this one.

[11/1/06]

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