“More than” vs. “over.” When would you use one or the other? I tend to use “more than” instead of “over,” e.g., “these sites have more than 1,000 ports” instead of “these sites have over 1,000 ports.” I seem to recall someone telling me that more than was (more) correct, but now I can’t remember why.

Thanks for any information you can provide.

Signed,
Please provide a clever nickname

Dear Please,

Here’s Garner’s take on it:

In one of its uses, the prepositional over is interchangeable with more than (“over 600 people were there”) — and this has been so for more than 600 years.The charge that over is inferior to more than is a baseless crotchet.

That would seem to be that.Use either one at will.

Sars —

This is not a question about a boy, a girl, a cat or a new
household product.I have a grammar/usage question and I thought I’d
go straight to the source.(Well, actually I thought I’d go to you,
who would then in turn go to your sources.But I digress.)

My friend/co-worker and I often discuss matters of grammar, usage, and
the like.(One of our favorite topics is non-standard plural forms:
e.g. “symposia.”)Recently he came to me with a capitalization question.
To set the scene, we work in the Office of Silly Walks.Below are
some examples that present our question:

-Here at the Office, we specialize in silly walks.
-He walked all around the office in a silly manner.

My co-worker says that the first use, with the capital O, is correct in
all forms of shortening the name (“He does extra tasks around the
Office.”).However, I believe that he should use the second, lowercase
use when referring to the actual space.If he were referring to the
institution, then yes, capitalize the O; but if it’s just the physical
location (with the cubicles and whatnot), then the O is not
capitalized.

Which is correct?He insists he’s right and I want to take him down a
peg.A whole peg.

Signed,
Is the plural of Prius “Prii”?

Dear It’s Either “Prii” Or “Prius” With A Diacritical Mark Over The “U,” Depending On The Declension — I Bet You’re Sorry Now That You Asked,

I really don’t think it makes a difference.The Office exists in the physical location of the office, so differentiating between them via upper- or lowercase is a meaningless distinction.

I mean, yes, it’s possible to distinguish between them; it’s just not necessary.So you’re not wrong, but neither is he, I’m afraid.

Hi Sars,

I’ve got a man-related saga.Here it is, in outline: around nine months ago, I met this man, and we started seeing each other.I had fun being with him: sex was good, conversation was good, plenty of fun was had, et cetera.But, honestly, I wasn’t so excited about him as a long-term partner.I initially thought of him as sort of a nice special friend, but probably not someone destined to be my one and only.He made it clear that he liked me more than that, but I thought we were both fine with taking things slowly and lightly.And for a while I would say the relationship was growing, albeit slowly.Since we’re both somewhat guarded emotionally (long stories on both sides), that seemed pretty reasonable.We were floating along, having a nice time.

Then something changed, and for the last six weeks or so, I had been feeling like it was harder to connect with him.I kept wanting to talk to him from the heart about things that were going on in my life (and there were some biggies during that time), but I wasn’t sure if he would want so much intimacy, so I held back.I was wondering if I should end the relationship and try to meet someone I could feel more intimate with.And in my mind, which is where all of this dialogue was taking place, I could tick off a list of reasons that he really wasn’t the right guy for me anyway.

What happened, you ask?He called me to say that for the last six weeks he’s been feeling like it was harder to connect with me.He kept wanting to talk to me from the heart about the things that were going on in his life (and there were some biggies during that time), but he thought I didn’t want so much intimacy, so he held back.He said he wanted more closeness and commitment than he’s getting from our relationship, and since he doesn’t think we’ll ever be able to develop that, he doesn’t want to see me anymore.

“Hey, wait,” I said, “that’s what I want too!”Several looooong conversations ensued in which the guards came tumbling down, and we both spoke openly and honestly about the relationship and all sorts of other things.I liked what he revealed about himself, and the openness of the conversation was like a long cool drink: I had been craving it, but I hadn’t known how to jumpstart it.And it made the relationship seem much more right all of a sudden, since we were apparently seeing things the same way.

But I guess all of this came too late, as far as he was concerned.Regardless of the fact that we probably want the same thing, he doesn’t want to work it out with me, because…well, I don’t really know why.(And yes, I asked, but the answer didn’t clarify.It was along the lines of “I just don’t think we work well together.”)And Sars, I’m telling you, when I realized that I wasn’t going to see him anymore, my heart just about stopped.All the while I was seeing him, in spite of the fact that I wasn’t taking the relationship so seriously, I managed to get really comfortable being with him.And when we opened up emotionally, it suddenly seemed possible that we could have all of that comfort and a new intimacy.

The thing is, I can’t quite come to grips with the fact that my understanding of him and of the possibilities of the relationship changed so radically in the space of a week.And I’m stunned by how much this hurts. And I don’t get his decision to walk away.So (I’m finally getting to the questions), how fucked up is this?Did I do something to bring this down on myself?Is my big “about-face” just a reaction to being rejected?Can two “somewhat emotionally guarded” people even be in a relationship?And where do I go from here (relationship-wise)?

Signed,
On TV this would have had a happy ending

Dear On TV, People Have Sex In Their Underwear, Too,

It’s not that fucked up.It shows signs of neurotic influence, but what romantic situation doesn’t?

As to whether you brought this on yourself…yes and no.It sucks that you feel you two made a breakthrough while he feels that it’s a no-go, but on the other hand, it did take the two of you nine months to reach that point, and it’s possible that he feels that that’s just too long — that it doesn’t bode well for the long-term health of the relationship that neither of you could get past your walls for six weeks, even though things were obviously strained and distant.Yeah, two “somewhat emotionally guarded” people can be in a relationship if they’re both satisfied with the level of communication.Unfortunately, he…isn’t.

But I would caution you against concluding that this means that you are yourself inherently unsatisfy-ing emotionally.Just because it didn’t work out with him doesn’t mean it can’t work with another guy, so take the opportunity to look at how the relationship unfolded; look at the things that made you happy and the things that didn’t work, and see if you can identify patterns and behaviors that aren’t really working for you generally.Maybe it’s time to make more of an effort to let your guard down; maybe you should be more cautious when you’re getting involved with someone else who’s guarded.It doesn’t mean you have to “fix” yourself; it’s about trying to figure out what does and doesn’t work for you in relationships, doing the former and avoiding the latter if possible.

For now, just grieve the missed opportunity and get ready to move on.This guy does not sound like a great match for you, to me, and sometimes things go too far off-track in a relationship for it to be rerouted.Accept it and face forward.

Dear Sars,

This past year my father remarried. That is not the reason I’m
writing, really, since his new wife is super-nice and we all get along
fine.The problem (question?) is that I now have several new
relatives to purchase Christmas presents for, and I don’t know them
very well and have no idea what I should give them.

My family has weird rules and holiday traditions, and one thing I
should note is that we are not allowed to give money or gift
certificates of any kind. Also: not only do I have to buy an actual
present for each person, I need stocking stuffers as well…

I’m hoping you can give me suggestions for great (not too expensive)
gifts for my new relatives, who I’ve only met like twice but will be
spending the holidays with this year. There are two boys in their
mid-twenties, a woman in her late twenties, a woman in her mid-fifties, and her
mother (75-80-ish?).Any suggestions for stores/websites/actual gifts
would be greatly appreciated! (Especially for the boys since I can’t,
you know, just give them a super-cute makeup bag or some scented
lotions and hope for the best…)

Thank you in advance,
Confused Holiday Shopper

Dear Shop,

Oh, the “I tried to make this as personal as possible, but I really don’t know you” gift.Nightmare!

On the plus side, usually the recipient takes into account the fact that you made the effort and got them presents, even if it’s not the most meaningful thing they’ve ever received.So, ideas include:

matching hat/glove/scarf sets
a scarf and a sparkly brooch
lotion/soap sets; soap/matching scented candle sets
board games
vintage postcards/maps from where they grew up (try eBay)
subscriptions to magazines or beer-/wine-/steak-of-the-month clubs
movie/museum passes
decorative bowls/tea sets or clever glassware
personalized card cases or money clips

Uncommon Goods is another site where you can get ideas for the hard-to-shop-for.Good luck!

Dear Sars,

I find myself in a personal quandary and hope you can help. My daughter married a man with a checkered past, work-wise. Bob is a hard-working guy, but never sticks with any one career, much less job, for more than a year or so. He wants to be his own boss and have significant wealth, so every time he gets to a point in a job where he thinks he knows it all, he starts getting resentful that he’s not running the whole show and quits. This pattern was a problem for Bob in previous marriages, so it’s nothing new. Nevertheless, he’s the love of my daughter’s life and therefore my husband and I accept and love him too. Shortly after he married my daughter, he quit his reasonably high-paying warehouse manager job, again, too smart to be treated as just a manager, and decided to start his own business.

Bob partnered up with a friend who was a house-painter, doing high-end multi-layered interior effects at a pretty good profit. They worked hard, got some jobs and were making a decent living. I was happy to see them doing well and even thought about hiring them to do some work for me in my own home. Before I could do that, however, Bob and his partner approached us in a formal and business-like way to talk about investing in their business to give them a leg up and get fully established. They made a well thought-out pitch and we decided that we would loan them some start-up money. During the meeting, I mentioned that I would like to have my two-story entry hall textured, painted and glazed, which was one of their specialties. They agreed that it would be an easy job to do and they would “take care of it.”

I guess by now you can see where this is going? Bob and his partner used our money to buy equipment and advertising space and their business has really taken off. They have several painting crews and neither Bob nor his partner are actually involved in the painting any longer. In the past 12 months, they have established a growing and prosperous business and my entry hall is still as bare as it was when they first got started. I have mentioned the job to Bob several times in different contexts ranging from casual to joking to serious to pissed. I haven’t even broached the subject of repayment of our original loan.

Each time I bring up the subject of the work in our home, Bob laughs and says something about having to forgo some “important job” and divert a crew over to our house just to “get his mother-in-law off his back.” The last time he made that remark, I asked him to set a date when that would occur. He just laughed and walked away, shaking his head. You see, Sars, he has gotten into large commercial jobs and my little entry hall is such small potatoes to him, it’s not worth the effort in his estimation.

I don’t want to create bad feelings between my son-in-law and daughter over this. But there’s a principle here that I can’t seem to let go by. We loaned him money in good faith. He made an agreement. Did we have him sign a contract? No, but you can bet your granny’s glasses that I won’t ever make that mistake again! Can you think of any way that I can resolve my desire to have him fulfill his obligation to us and continue to maintain a good and loving relationship?

Resentful (But Don’t Wanna Be) MiL

Dear MiL,

You knew his background, and yet you loaned him — now a family member, which complicates the situation — money, and counted on him to do a job.Without a contract.Well, like you said, that’ll learn you.

Decide which is more important to you: your relationship with Bob and your daughter, or getting your money back and the entry hall painted.It’s clear you can’t have both, and it’s also clear that Bob is fully prepared to take advantage of his marriage to your daughter by blowing off his commitments to you — just as he’s evidently done before, and just as he’s done to you, repeatedly.So, you can either make other arrangements for the painting and kiss the money goodbye, or you can spend pleasant holidays with these people.

“Couldn’t I just get my daughter to lean on Bob?”Yeah, you could, but: see above.That’s going to cause friction between them; Bob, who doesn’t get it, is going to roll that shit downhill onto you.

The next time you do any business with a family member, or a friend, involving more than $100?Get it in writing.This time?Bob you twice, shame on you.

[11/8/05]

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