Dear Sars,

I don’t know of any non-chain type stores that specifically carry
plus sizes, but I do want to point out that there is a decent plus
section in Century 21 usually, if Rubens’s gal is up for some
designer bargain-hunting.She should be able to find some edgier
designers there.You never know with that place, though.Also,
Bloomingdale’s (the 59th St. store, not the SoHo one) has an entire
floor with really nice stuff, although admittedly more from the major
brands.It’s on the lower level where you enter if you’re coming
straight from the uptown 6 train.Neither one is really right in
midtown, but that’s the best I can do and I wish her luck!

Sincerely,
Living on the Lower East Side makes me feel like a frumpy cow

Dear All Those Cute Boutiques On 5th Ave. In Brooklyn Mean I Feel You,

Thanks for the suggestions; others appear below.If I got it more than once, it’s asterisked.

Jill Anderson in the East Village — www.jillanderson.com/index.html*
The Herald Square area — Macy’s, H&M, Lane Bryant, and Conways
Marina Rinaldi, Madison between 57th and 58th
The Daffy’s at 110 Fifth Ave.
Town Shop for a bra fitting — 2273 Broadway at 81st

Dear Sars,

I live with my boyfriend of three years, and we talk about a
future together like it’s a done deal -– marriage, children,
all that.Sometimes I get restless in the relationship, but
his unfailing patience and devotion soon pull me back on
board. I’ve doubted my love for him from time to time, but
never his love for me.

A couple nights ago, he stayed up late to write an epic email
to a friend of his who’s having some relationship problems.
The next time I used the computer, his email program was
still up, and I did a Bad Thing: I read the email.You know
how eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves?Yeah.
It turns out there’s a whole lot my boyfriend hasn’t been
telling me; in fact, he’s been telling me the opposite of most
of it.He doesn’t think he loves me as much as he loved his
previous girlfriend, who was batshit crazy and treated him
like shoe dirt.He thinks my indecisiveness is just an act to
manipulate him.He thinks I’m clingy and a bit sexually dull.
(I’m a lot less clingy than he is, but whatever.) He’s
worried that I’m not hot enough to have attractive children
with him. And so on.He ended by asking his friend whether
they should just turn their mates loose to free us up for
people who would appreciate us more fully.

Obviously, I’m upset.I’m torn between addressing each of his
complaints one by one — becoming hotter, freakier, more
decisive, more independent –- and simply checking out of the
relationship, waiting for him to dump me.But I’m not
supposed to know about any of this.His behavior hasn’t
changed at all -– he says “I love you” just as often, is just
as affectionate, seems to desire and enjoy my company, checks
me out.Since the email, though, I can’t help seeing it all
as a performance.

Ordinarily I would start by clearing the air.But if he knew
I’d read his email, he wouldn’t trust me any more.So what
do I do?I’m not sure if my snooping has screwed up my
relationship, shown me the truth, or both.How can I figure
out where we actually stand and begin to make it right?

Got What I Deserved, Now What?

Dear Got,

First of all, try not to think of the situation as a punishment.It is what it is; you can’t unread the email, you can’t unknow that he said those things.You have to deal with them; this is the reality.If you can, don’t spend a lot of time beating yourself up, because it’s kind of beside the point.

He may take serious issue with the fact that you read the email, which is his right, but again: you can’t unknow these things.I think it’s a mistake to “address” these concerns of his without telling him, because it’s not really you.It’s a performance you’re putting on so that he doesn’t break up with you, and once you start doing it, you’ll feel like you have to keep doing it, forever.

Maybe he was just venting, and these issues don’t matter to him on a day-to-day basis as much as the email might have made it seem.Maybe he was bullshitting to make his friend feel better.Maybe he really isn’t that into your relationship anymore and has been too lazy until this point to make any changes.But these are all maybes, and regardless of the circumstances that led the two of you here, it’s time to get some yeses and nos and see where you are.

The situation sucks, you shouldn’t have read the email, and you should own that to him and apologize, but don’t get bogged down in making these issues about you — try to stay focused on the problem at hand, namely that the long-term viability of this relationship may not be what either of you thought it was.It’s an ugly conversation and I know you don’t want to have it, but better to do it now and let whatever’s going to happen happen.

Sars:

You helped me once before, and I’m grateful.Now I’ve got a new problem that I thought you might be able to shed some light on.

As it turns out, he hadn’t worked through his anger issues as well as I’d hoped, and I finally had to leave him.Right now I’m staying with my parents while I try to get my finances in order before finding my own place.And that’s where the issue comes in.I’ve never lived alone.I lived with my parents, and then I moved in with my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and then we got married, and now I live with my parents again.I certainly intend the current situation to be temporary, but I’m very nervous about living alone.

He handled all the bills, and I’m nervous about remembering to pay them on time, and making sure I keep to my budget and don’t splurge without someone standing at my shoulder to say, “Not this month.”I’m afraid that I’ll go out of my skull without someone to talk to when I get home from work (besides the cat).I’m worried I’ll turn into a total recluse without someone to pull me out of the house a couple of evenings a week.

Normally I’d handle this by having my friends on call.But, in fact, most of my friends were his friends and I can’t really rely on them right now.I have a few of my own, but they’re either out of town or busy with their kids and families.Not a situation where I can just have them come over and talk me down if I go all cat lady.

I don’t mind not having a lot going on, but I’m not crazy about being by myself all the time.My mom’s offered to be on call twenty-four-seven, but as much as I love her it would make me even crazier to have her around constantly.Besides, I’ve got to grow up sometime.A roomate isn’t an option at this time, because I don’t have any friends to move in with and I’m terrified to live with someone I don’t know well (call it leftover angst from the marriage).

I know you live alone (with the two furry ones), so maybe you could give me a few tips or hints about how to adjust to all the sudden silence?And how to keep on top of my responsibilities so I don’t find myself sitting in the dark with no phone trying to read by candlelight.There’s also the question of dating, but I’ll want to leave that for at least a few months, so I’ll hold off and hope I figure it out on my own.

Thanks,
If I Talk To The Cat Long Enough, Will She Answer?

Dear Not If You Want Her To Get Down,

You’re overthinking this a little bit, probably, because you’ve never done it before, so it’s become unnecessarily intimidating.I think you need to just do it — move out, get the apartment set up, see what your schedule looks like once the dust settles, and if you’re forgetting to do chores or getting really bored and stir-crazy, you make some adjustments then.

The paying-the-bills thing is not that bad; you just set a time every week to go through the pile and balance your checkbook (I do it Friday afternoons while clearing off the DVR).Write it in your day planner if you’re worried about overlooking it, or put a to-do list on a whiteboard in your kitchen and keep track of various responsibilities that way.Again, you’re cowed by it because it’s unfamiliar, but people do it every day who are far flakier than you; you’ll be fine.

As far as getting bored or lonely goes, I think you’re underestimating your friends.If you need someone to talk to, call them.If you want to go out for a drink, invite them.Yes, people are busy, but even ten minutes on the phone can give you a lift; don’t assume everybody doesn’t care, or has better things to do.

And remember, living alone has benefits.Don’t want to clean?No need.Eating hummus with a spoon?No witnesses.Want to sleep all day?No one else making noise.Living with other people has benefits, too, but before you work yourself up into a tizzy about how you’re going to turn into that lady with the misbuttoned sweater who lives in a cave made of old magazines, remind yourself that there’s a vast grey area between that and “married,” and that “alone” and “lonely” aren’t necessarily synonyms.

Give it a few months.Get a library card, put your furniture wherever you want it, enjoy ordering Chinese without having to negotiate.If it’s early next year and you’re getting on your own nerves, think of getting a roommate or joining a quilting group or something so you’re around people a bit more, but don’t go into the situation assuming that it’s going to turn into a depressing documentary about old maids, because it probably isn’t — and if it does, you do in fact have the wherewithal to make the changes you need to.

[11/9/06]

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