Hi Sars,

I need to know if I’m wrong or just being picky.

There seems to be a trend where the word “female” is being used in place of the word “woman,” as in: “I saw the female come out of the store.” (Bad example, I should have found an actual example, from a newspaper article or something.)

I don’t know why it bugs me, but it does. I know that, grammatically, the word “female” can be a noun (the female of the species), but that it is more likely to be an adjective (a female parrot) or modifier. I get a little disconnect going on when I see it, because, yes it is a possible usage in English, just not quite…right. Especially when I read or hear it in a news report. Especially one written by a woman (female?), as I saw in this weekend’s paper.

As an unreconstructed male, I can’t lay claim to being either particularly sensitive or politically correct, but it seems to be a very modern “street” usage that has crept into situations where one would hope people would take a little time to think about what they were saying, how they say it and what it means.

So…wrong or picky?

TC

Dear TC,

I don’t love it when “female” is used interchangeably with “woman.”Sometimes it’s okay, like on a nature show about birds (“the female feathers the nest”) or in a police report (“Caucasian female, approximately five foot six”), but otherwise it just sounds weird — or dismissive, like if a guy is talking about all the “fine females” at a club, which ew.Let’s see if Garner has an official ruling…

He doesn’t, really.He notes that “Female is a neutral term usually used to indicate the sex of a person (or an animal or plant), in contrast with male,” but in the examples he gives, it’s an adjective, not a noun.So, I would say that it’s okay to use it as a descriptor (“I saw the female suspect come out of the store”), but as a standalone noun, eh.

Hi Sars,

I’m writing to you because I’ve been reading your articles for years.I
originally found your site after you posted the gorgeous and heartbreaking
piece about what happened to you on September 11th, and I hoped you might
have some advice to offer from your experience.

I live in New Orleans.I’m back home because my house didn’t get
flooded after Hurricane Katrina and neither did the houses of my closest
friends.The five of us are like family now; we evacuated and lived
together for a month that involved constant horrified news-watching and
evacuating again from Hurricane Rita at our temporary residence.
Sometimes I still can’t believe this has really happened.

I feel like I’m still barely coping with the
anger and depression and sadness.And lots and lots of guilt: because I had
no personal property losses and I don’t know anyone who died, while so many
people in my city lost everything.

I know all of the stock answers.That just because I didn’t lose all of my
belongings or my house, it doesn’t mean I haven’t suffered a loss.That
it’s natural to feel this way.That I should keep working out my feelings
by talking to my friends and my family and the Red Cross counselors.That
time is the only thing that really helps with the crazy up-and-down
emotions.

But all of that seems so trite.Like every piece of advice boils down to,
“You’ll get over it.”I know that’s true in the end, but right now it
doesn’t fucking help to hear it.I guess I’m writing to ask if you have any
other suggestions about how to cope.Was there anything specific you did
after September 11th that made it easier for you to handle everything?It’s
getting harder to explain exactly how miserable and scared I feel almost
every moment of every day.

I’d really appreciate anything you have to say.Thanks for listening.

Depressed and Guilty in NOLA

Dear Nola,

You might look into some counseling.You seem really angry, which I think is a natural response and which might come from…well, you seem frustrated that nobody “gets” what you’re going through, and part of that is maybe that you don’t quite “get” it yourself.And like I said, I think that’s a natural response in your situation, but I also think you might benefit from talking to someone with training, who won’t judge you and is not going to be focused on giving you advice so much as helping you cope with the trauma you’ve suffered and the sometimes illogical-seeming emotions that are coming out of that.

Beyond that, unfortunately, the only thing I can report is that the advice others have given you is true.The lonely fact of it is that these things take time to get past, and that the timetable for doing that is different for everyone.You’ll get there, but alas, in the meantime there’s really not one sentence or bromide that can make it easier for you; it’s an accumulation of time and small gestures of kindness from other people, distractions, sunsets, all the things that let you make room in your head for other feelings besides anger and grief.It’s just a process.

You’re doing the best you can; don’t give yourself such a hard time.A lot of powerful feelings come out of something like this — rage, resentment, guilt, dread, hopelessness.They’re not emotions we usually have to deal with in our everyday lives and they can be exhausting to cope with all at once this way, but you are in fact coping.If you’re still feeling overwhelmed, you’re not obligated to get over it for the benefit of other people.

Just take it as it comes, try to have some faith in yourself and other people, and if that works better some days than others, so be it.I’m sorry I can’t be more help, but I can’t speed up time, I’m afraid.

Sars,

A little background: I’m a single mom to a delightful first-grader.My ex-husband, who abandoned us about five years ago, has never paid child support, and never will, despite what Uncle Sam says.I don’t really care — I’ve got my son, that’s all that matters.

Obviously, I’m pretty poor.Kids are expensive.Right now, I am especially broke, having just moved back to this state.We’re staying with my parents until I can save enough to get our own place.Living with my parents is terrible, horrible, no good, very bad.Trying to raise a child while living with your alcoholic parents?Not easy. So I’ve got a big fire under my ass to get out of here.

I just got a job — a decent job that will pay enough, just barely, to get us our own place, just as soon as I catch up on some past debts and save up a deposit.

I needed someone to watch my son after school.He has a disability that makes him unable to handle large groups, so I’m pretty limited as to where I can send him.So, when the daughter of a friend asked if she could babysit my son after school, I agreed.

Being a sophomore in high school, Babysitter doesn’t drive.She needed a ride home every day.I was informed that it was MY responsibility to find her a way home.I managed to pull some strings and get her a ride on my son’s Special Ed bus.His bus picks Babysitter up on its way to picking him up from school, and takes them both to her house for the babysitting.

Wonderful. It all worked out.

Until this afternoon, when I picked him up from her house.Babysitter has a sheet that she writes down her hours on, and when she was filling it in today, I noticed something odd.

Every day this week, Babysitter has put her start time down as 1:30.A full TWO HOURS before the school bus drops them off at her house.Hell, it’s a half-hour before my son’s bus even picks her up.Apparently, she gets out of her last class at 1:30.

I didn’t say anything because I was too baffled.I really don’t understand — when we talked about her hourly pay, nothing was mentioned about me having to pay her for travel time.

This is bugging me for two reasons.First, I can’t afford it.Plain and simple.I wish I could, but I can’t.Second, it seems dumb to pay her for hours that she’s not even responsible for my son.I mean, yeah, it sucks that it takes two hours for her to get home, but is that my problem?My boss doesn’t arrange my transportation to work, nor does he pay me for it.

So here’s my question:Should I have to pay for my babysitter’s travel time?And if not, how do I tactfully refuse without damaging my friendship with either her or her mother?

I thought only truckers and cabbies got paid for their commute

Dear Commute,

Babysitter asked for this job, first of all, and second of all, it’s not as though she’s doing you a favor; you pay her for her time.So, yes, try to find a tactful way to address the subject, but — this is an employer/employee discussion, and for that reason, whether Babysitter and her mom choose to get offended is really their issue, not yours.

I think it’s fair to pay her for any time she is actually in the presence of your son, but outside of that, she’s clearly not on the clock and shouldn’t be trying to boost her hours.Sit her down and tell her that you’re sympathetic to the travel issue, but that you can’t pay her for work she’s not doing, and if the commute is going to be an issue for her, she should think it over and decide if the job is worth keeping…but you didn’t discuss paying her for transit time, which you simply can’t afford to do anyway.End of story.

If she gets pissy about it, well, I understand the bind you’re in with child care, but consider that the girl who’s taking care of your son has no compunction about charging you for hours she hasn’t worked/isn’t working.Maybe another solution is preferable.

Hi Sars,

My question regards my going-on-five-year relationship with my boyfriend, A.
This is, without a doubt, the best relationship I’ve ever been in, but I’m
beginning to worry that that’s not saying much. In my late twenties with the
hope of having children someday, I don’t have a lot of time to “not be sure”
anymore.

I call this relationship my best because it’s the most stable and the only
one where, after all this time, I still genuinely enjoy being with the guy.
A is fun and reckless and strange and open-minded. He is intellectually
curious and funny and unafraid to take risks and wants so much to make me
happy. We have fights, but they’re always the same and generally end in
laughter a couple of hours after they’ve begun. He makes my life more
interesting and is so many things I envisioned my husband would be. This is
how I feel much of the time.

Sometimes, though, I am infuriated by
A’s…boyishness. I want him to remember that the phone bill has to be paid
without my reminding him to give me his half. I want him to see the dishes
mounting in the sink and do something about them. I want him to stop
grinning like a jack-o-lantern at my boobs simply because he happens to see
them in the shower. Sometimes, I want to have sex with brawny, brooding
strangers. I want to be unafraid of what A may do to our children after
watching him (gently) put a cat at the bottom of a crumpled sleeping bag to
see how long it takes her to find her way out (17 seconds). Basically, I
want him to grow up.

This makes me feel bad. Here is a guy who is great in so many ways, and
STILL it isn’t enough for me? He tries to make me happy, but I still find
something to whine about? However, I’ve given this a lot of thought and
suspect my complaints are really about The Larger Issue. The Larger Issue is
that I’m afraid I just don’t respect A like an equal partner should. I want
to, I really do. But I don’t know how to get there from where we are now. I
often think of A as childish, and not entirely unfairly, as he has a) tried
to avoid a serious conversation by telling jokes; b) thrown real, actual
fits when he can’t find his iPod or cell phone, which he expects me to help
him look for; and c) missed the occasional deadline at work (not my
business, I know, especially if that’s fine with his boss — it just irks me as
a sign of A not taking things seriously). There have been times when I’ve
had trouble thinking of him sexually, as someone who could throw me up
against a wall and just take me, you know?

Then again, who doesn’t have similar complaints about their mate, at least
some of the time? I don’t want to be married to Sean Penn, for God’s sake,
as I truly love A’s zaniness! I assume a lot of marriages weather similar
storms, and maybe I’d simply be facing facts to accept this. This is a warm,
well-meaning guy who’d give you the shirt off his back, if he could just
remember where he put it, and for a long time, I was so overwhelmed by A’s
good intentions that I didn’t put much stock in the carelessness or
forgetting. But the older we get, the more I worry about how these traits
will affect the day-to-day effort it’s going to take to make a marriage work
and raise a kid or two. If he “forgets” the mortgage payment or that the kid
has a doctor’s appointment, I’m not so sure I’m going to be willing to
overlook it. And how can I increase my respect for someone I’ve seen show a
kindergartner what happens when you shake up a can of Pepsi?

Am I expecting too much from A, or any partner, Sars? Are these just normal,
long-term relationship issues? Or are my hopes that A will “grow” really
hopes that he will change? Part of me says that if I can’t accept him 100%
as he is, I have no business marrying him, no matter how much I love him.
Another part says I’m living in a fantasy world if I think I’m going to find
someone I wholeheartedly trust and view at all times as a husband, a father,
and a MAN — that because A and I have been together so long, it makes sense
that I’m not blissfully unaware of all the compromises we’ll have to make.
My friend D says what I want is a Husband rather than a Boyfriend, and A is
simply not Husband material, at least not yet. If that’s the case, am I
wasting time with someone who is just not as ready to be a grownup as I
think I am?

Is Forgetting To Set His Alarm Clock (Again) A Dealbreaker?

Dear What It Is Is Not Your Problem,

These are normal questions to be asking yourself about a long-term relationship, but as far as whether you’re expecting too much from A?Well, that depends.I mean, if you really don’t think you can enter into a lifetime partnership with A because he’s not enough of a grown-up for you — and based on what you’ve said, you want more of a checkbook-balancing bodice-ripper type, which is fine, but which is not what A is — then you should break up with him now and look for a steadier, stronger guy who’s more of what you’re envisioning.If A’s not the guy, he’s not the guy, and there’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want and not settling for less.

With that said…a man can lose stuff, including his temper, from time to time, and can leer at your breasts, and still be a good husband and a good father.If he’s got compassion and a sense of humor and the ability to love unconditionally, the rest of it kind of takes care of itself.Reliable is great, but not as great as a hug, or a dad who’s going to get home and help the kids pants around making mustaches out of construction paper.

Maybe reliable is more important to you than zany; again, that’s totally fine.You have to decide for yourself what you want, what you’re comfortable with.But A’s version of “being a grownup” is not necessarily less, or worse, than yours; it’s just different, and if you think you can find a way to work with each other’s strengths and weaknesses, you can be a good marriage team and a good parenting team.

You love the guy and he loves you.Why does he have to be more like you for you to take the next step?That’s the question here, and there really isn’t a wrong answer, but you do have to ask it of yourself and figure out what it is you want.

Hi Sars,

I feel silly writing in with this question since I know I shouldn’t make it into a big deal, as it clearly pales in comparison to many of the other problems your readers have experienced.I feel ridiculous/bratty/superficial/self-absorbed for having the feelings I have about the situation.But somehow, it’s bugging me a lot, and I suppose there may be a few people out there who have felt this way to some degree when going out with certain friends to bars and clubs.

“Debbie” is a fairly new friend who’s a very sweet, down-to-earth person, and reminds me of my studious classmates from college.What troubles me is that whenever I go out with Debbie to a bar or club, I feel that I’m always playing the role of the “ugly friend,” even though I’ve been told by people that I’m attractive.Debbie is cute and approachable, but not someone I would call drop-dead gorgeous.Every time I do go out with Debbie, there seems to be an endless stream of guys, including the cuter/suaver ones, approaching her.I’m not the only one who notices this, as another friend mentioned how guys seem to flock to Debbie when we go out.During each of these nights, maybe one or two less than desirable guys approach me.

Even worse, a few of Debbie’s pursuers have tried to send their wingmen my way, though absolutely unnecessary and unwanted on my part because the evident insincerity bothers me, makes me feel more like a nuisance, and I am perfectly willing to step out of the way without the distraction.This is all in contrast to times I’ve gone out with other female friends, including a very attractive friend of mine, where I do get approached more frequently and do get approached by guys who interest me.

Without fail, after each of these nights out with Debbie, my self-esteem plummets and I feel disgusted with myself for being so ugly (yes, I have serious self-esteem issues).I seem to use these nights as reality checks of my unattractiveness.I suppose I wouldn’t get down on myself so much if I thought that Debbie is absolutely gorgeous, since it would be expected that guys would flock to her.However, prior to going out at night, I thought that Debbie and I were somewhat comparable in looks.But based on the experiences at the bars/clubs, it’s clear that one can only conclude that this is not the case, and this clearly puts into question my judgment of myself at any of the few moments I’ve had where I thought that I was even remotely okay-looking.

Please let me know how I should deal with this and stop being miserable about the situation and about myself.

Thanks,
The Ugly Friend

Dear Ug,

It really isn’t about your looks, relatively speaking.It’s about people sensing that you’re a resentment-ball who thinks she’s ugly and therefore worthless and boring.Debbie is maybe not the cutest girl who ever lived, but she’s approachable in a way you aren’t, because she’s comfortable with herself and she doesn’t expect not to be approached.You, meanwhile, immediately assume that 1) the wingmen don’t actually want to talk to you, and 2) they aren’t worth talking to their own selves.And both those assumptions are faulty, to my mind.I mean, you’re there; the guy’s there; Debbie’s in another conversation; why not talk about TV or something instead of standing there with your arms folded, seething about how ugly you clearly are?Which you aren’t, I’m guessing?

You go into these situations thinking of them as the world ranking you lower than Debbie, and you have to find a way not to do that, because it’s not what’s happening and it’s bringing you down.Either don’t hang out with Debbie in guy-prone situations for a while, or start thinking of her “magnet” status as a positive — a low-pressure deal where you can just drink your drink and have a conversation with someone new, and if you had spinach in your teeth the whole time, well, who cares.

It’s hard to get out of that mental rut of thinking of it as a vote on your attractiveness, but it’s not impossible.One way to do it is to do a mental voice-over of your evening like it’s a nature show; it’s sort of crazy, but it also can help with certain social anxieties by taking you out of your intimidation or annoyance a little bit.

[11/11/05]

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