Hello Sars:

Longtime listener, first-time caller.It’s a boy — I will hopefully be brief, mostly because I am too damn old to be thinking like this.

I got out of a five-year relationship at the end of last year and have been playing volleyball every week for a couple of months now; Boy is on the team.Boy and I started by having some mid-game and post-game flirty conversation.Because he and I go home in the same direction, we’ve also ended up having a bunch of conversations on the way home in transit.And they’re usually fun, interesting, thought-provoking; I thought we had a bit of a real spark.I should mention that I also think he’s awfully cute, whereas I am no beauty and probably carrying about 15 extra pounds — I don’t think I’m particularly compelling physically.But he isn’t running in the other direction; he laughs at my jokes, he listens to the stuff I say, he thinks I’m smart, and he’s impressed by my academic pedigree and successful career.Unfortunately, he’s not nearly as successful, educated, or happy in his job — perhaps contributing factors, as we shall see.

The past two weeks the pattern has been slightly different.We’ve ended up staying really late after games, after public transit has shut down.The first week we were about to get in a taxi and I said, “Wanna walk a bit?””Yes” came the immediate response.We finally get a cab after walking and talking for two hours.Red flag that night — no attempt to get romantic or pursue anything further.

Last week we stayed too late again, and again we walked for a bit before getting on the bus.On the bus I did what no woman in her right mind should do, according to our current conventions — I said, “Would you like to hang out sometime during the week?”He said, “Yes, I would like that a lot.”Awkward pause.Then he says, “Do you have my cell number?”I take it.”Call me and we’ll make a plan.”And then we continued talking for another hour on the steps in front of his house.Upon my leaving he says, “So you’re going to call me, right?” and gives me a hug.I say yes.Then I do, a couple of days later, and leave a very casual message — do you want to hang out, I’m thinking maybe Friday, give me a call, we’ll sort it out, et cetera.

Watch out here for the monster under the stairs, people — no callback!Quel surprise!

I know what you’re all thinking…of course there was no call — he wasn’t interested; if he had been, he would have asked her out.I guess part of me knows that too, but the other part is wondering if I actually have to pay attention to these kind of retrograde stereotypes and “rules.”So I wanted to put a few questions to you (and maybe your readers, too), as I start down the horrible path of dating again, to see if I can extrapolate from this experience to get some clarity for my behaviour from now on (as much as possible anyway).

1. I know he was interested at one point, so what changed?Could it really be because I’m not cute enough to be considered even for a fling?Or that I am too “adult” to be considered a fling?Are men really intimidated by smart successful women?

2. Let’s say he was interested, but too scared/insecure.If he knew he couldn’t pull it off, why prolong this crap?Why the talking and the walking and the “call me”?Why not just say, “No, I don’t want to go out,” stop talking after 20 minutes instead of two hours, get in the cab?

3. It’s not all about him.At what point should I have said, “This is bullshit — you’re disrespecting me” and taken myself out? I don’t want it to be all about “He’s Not That Into You” but maybe there is a threshold?

4. He is going to see me at volleyball next week — unless he thinks I’m such a pushover that he can say he was “busy” with a clear conscience, I know that’s going to be uncomfortable for both of us, with him feeling (at least momentarily) guilty and me feeling rejected and stupid.Wouldn’t calling have been better than having to see me then and do the explaining?

5. I am rationalizing my actions by saying it’s better to have the information than not — if he is a loser, better to find out now.But is it possible that I screwed this up by being too proactive? Does it seem too insecure?Is there any way I can pull a direct approach off?

What do you think about all this?Totally tedious?

And did I mention that I am 36 and Boy is 34?Why are we both acting this way at our advanced ages?

Reliving High School: Too Much Reading, Not Enough Flirting The First Time

Dear High,

This reads like pretty classic “I’ll overthink up a bunch of reasons to compensate for the fact that there is no good reason” to me.Not to trivialize the annoyance you feel, and believe me, we have all done this, the “okay, maybe he’s busy, but why not just call and say so, it takes five minutes” scab-picking, and unfortunately, there’s usually not that much to it.He just…didn’t call you back.

I would address your list point by point, but all my answers would come back to the same thing — maybe he’s intimidated by you, maybe he’s not attracted to you, maybe maybe maybe, there’s no way to know and it doesn’t really matter in the second place, because you didn’t do anything wrong and you aren’t anything wrong.(Although the “I’m no beauty” rhetoric is probably not helping you here in terms of the signals you put out.Don’t let the 15 pounds carry you, is what I’m saying.)You felt a vibe, you acted on it, it didn’t work out (or hasn’t worked out yet).There’s no shame in it, and honestly, it’s 2006; if a guy is grossed out or cowed by a woman making the first move, he’s not a guy you want to date.

To sum up: this isn’t really about you.Even if it is about you, it isn’t about you, because you can’t read his mind and you can’t control his behavior.It’s not about “being too proactive,” it’s not about being “too” anything — it’s about him not responding to it for whatever reason, and if he’s Not Into You, or into the ways you are, well, he’s not.It’s not an indictment of you or a memo for change.It just is.

The next time you see him, bust on him for blowing off your voicemail and see what he says.Maybe there’s an explanation — but there probably isn’t, and you should be okay with that in terms of your own behavior.

Sars,

A friend of mine does web design for a living.What he loathes doing, however, is writing code, which is the side of web development that I’m personally most fond of.So, we’ve worked out something of a symbiotic relationship: he creates a Photoshop mockup of a website he needs coded and hands it off to me.I then spend about an hour converting that mockup into working HTML, and he PayPals me about $100.Being eighteen, I make some money and all is well.

Until this latest site.He’s been talking about this project for months, but only finally got me a design last week, which I promptly converted to a functioning page and implemented in a web-based content management system.After giving it to me on a Friday night, I was told that if I had things ready by Sunday, I would be paid $250 for my effort.Score.I have the page finished and delivered by Saturday evening, and after a few fixes and assorted corrections, my part in this intricate businessperson-client dance is finished.

Only I’m not getting paid, because apparently there’s a third party involved and everything has gotten very, very complicated.The end client doesn’t want to pay for the site anymore (this is made all the more ironic because the client is some rehabilitation home with decidedly religious-looking programs; backing out on an arrangement is hardly ethical behavior), and my friend is therefore not getting paid, meaning I’m not getting paid.Things have since, supposedly, started down the road towards being worked out and he is getting paid (eventually), but everything has gotten delayed and I’m left without any money to speak of.

None of my work is contracted because he’s a friend.Even the amount he pays me, a small fraction of what he’s actually getting paid for the job overall, was suggested by him, and I was too timid to note (at least to him) that the amount of work he did on the project versus my contributions didn’t really match up with the amount he was paying me (in all honesty, I did a majority of the work).If I were to get paid already, there wouldn’t be a problem because it’s easy work and I don’t mind, but when getting paid even that small amount is indefinitely delayed, I almost feel like I’m getting exploited.But how does one tell that to a friend?

Thanks, and my apologies for the babble,
YR

Dear YR,

Behold the beginning and end of your problem: “None of my work is contracted because he’s a friend.”You need a contract, always, no matter how close the friendship or how minor the job, to avoid exactly this sort of awkward situation.If I borrow $100 or more from a friend (or they borrow that amount from me), I put it in a promissory note that we both sign; Mr. Stupidhead and I had a contract for the GBC CD recording job; it’s not that I don’t trust my friends or my brother, obviously, but people forget things or get behind or screw up the math, and in order to avoid resentments and inadvertent screwings-over, it’s just easier to have everything in writing so you can both consult it if there’s confusion.

Your friend is paying you under the table, and you got burned.Moving forward, you should require something in writing — nothing formal or notarized, necessarily, just a couple of paragraphs spelling out what’s expected of you, your deadlines, his deadlines for remitting payment, the expectations for you getting paid whether he gets paid or not, et cetera.You don’t have to ask for more money; you do have to make sure you get the money you’re owed on the job.

It’s up to you how big an issue you want to make of the current mix-up, but in light of it, he shouldn’t have a problem signing an agreement for future work, and if he does have a problem with it, you really shouldn’t work with him — or expect to get paid in a prompt, professional manner.

Dear Wise, Wise Sars,

Before we begin this story of woe, let me first write in with two pieces
of information: 1) I go to an all-girls’ college. 2) I’m in a long
distance, heterosexual relationship and have been for the two years
I’ve been here. 3) I’m queer.

Without further ado.

Here is Boy, otherwise known as “Ben.” Ben and I met in our senior year
in high school, on the tail end of changes. I started having fun, got
close to a (still close!) group of friends, figured out where I was
going to school, blah blah fishcakes. He meets me, pseudo-comes out as
genderqueer/bisexual, plays the whole, “Whee! I’m gay and pretty! Girls
can be NOT threatened by me!” card (yeah, I’m bitter, so what?), meets
me. We fool around, hang out all the time. By the time summer hits, we
are dating. We decide to go through with long-distance relationship. He
stays at state school and I go to college on the West Coast.

I get close to a girl, “Ani.” Ani and I get along great, all close and
clicky. Around November first semester, I realize I want to jump her
bones. Do I tell Ben? No. Do I try and talk to her about it? No. We
hook up. This happens the entire weekend, the next weekend. I always
knew I don’t like her relationship-wise AT ALL, don’t want to date her,
want nothing to do with that. I’ve always wanted Ben.

What do I do? Lie. Lie like a rug. Say I was REAAAALLLY drunk and made
out and then it STOPPED. Did not tell Ben it was her. He knew I was
queer, he knew I was going to a girl’s college, and he had hooked up
with a guy that summer. I know, I know, even-stevens is no excuse, but
I ran with it.

Hairy going into Winter Break but Ben and I = great! Incredible sex,
learning about each other, lovely lovely and all that. He decides to
come see me in Spring Break. Spring Break = great! Then, BAM! He’s
depressed, he hates school, he feels alone, I’m too busy, we never
talk, he wants to change schools. He decides to go to Community College
In Hometown and I…react indifferently. This summer was not as good
sex, not as good communication. He works four days a week out of town
and I don’t see him, I work a fulltime job to make money. He decides
that he, kinda, maybe wants to stay in Hometown after graduation. I
freak. But the end of summer is great. Reconnecting, more like old
friendly times but with sex and romance. Hindsight, of course.

I think things are going GREAT until the middle of semester. I support
him through some rough times, he gets that figured out. I decide to
make changes this semester. I figure out my major, take challenging
classes, even get a job I’ve always wanted for more money I’ve ever
made in my life! I’m a busy chick.

So: of course, he calls, gives me the whole, “We’re not connecting, I
feel so far away from you, I miss you so much.”

Me: “You are so far away from me.”

But, okay, I want this to work. So I start trying. I try to ask him
about classes, about what he does. I get “Not much, things are fine, I
miss you.” This goes on until he says we STILL aren’t connecting and it
hurts. I say I have been trying. He says nothing is changing. What do I
do? I become Shitty Person. And I ask, “Ben, name all my classes.”
Which, of course, he can’t do. Bad! I know!

This just continues. Even though he knows my classes are hard, I work
during my entire weekend for 10+ hours a day (with transportation), I’m
dealing with depressed friends, my mom is freaking out over finances,
my dad’s always out of the country, my brother is in a semi-abusive
relationship, and this drama with “Ani” and these junior-high girls is
killing me!

And I mean literally. I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. I’ve gone from
four cigarettes a day to a pack every two days. I’ve cried myself to
sleep. I mean, I don’t really think I’m THAT bad of a person here! Am
I? I feel like I’ve dropped all the girl hints I can drop, all the
time. I mean, I know I’m trusting him less and less, not feeling as
close to him. Part of me wants to wait until the holidays when I see
him and see where we stand. But he says, I’m such a bad person, I hurt
you so much, I’m so bad at this long-distance relationship. Seriously,
Sars, I’ve given him every oppurtunity to jump ship. I’m in this, I
really am. I love him, I trust him more than anyone (which is A LOT
since I used to only sex up girls for two weeks then bail). Do you want a
break? I ask. Do you need space? When he pulls the “I’m such a bad
guy!” card, it leads me to believe he’s either A) projecting that onto
me, that I’M a bad girlfriend or B) just doesn’t have the balls to
break up with me and is trying to make me hate him.

So what do I do? Is he trying to make me break up with him? I’m tough,
Sars, I can last this out, I really can. Is there more I need to do? Do
long-distance college relationships ever really work? Any advice would
let me sleep before two every morning (or SIX in NY!). I’m sick of
listening to my high school sad news tunes, and Save Ferris and Imogene
Heap just DO NOT mix all that well anymore.

Thanks!
Third Eye Blind Is Not Helping Anymore

Dear …Huh?,

I…what?Okay, let me break this down for you.The relationship makes you unhappy.He is not a bad guy, but he’s confused and manipulative, and he expects you to support him while not really taking an interest in your stuff.Neither of you is straight, so…I don’t not believe you about the great sex and the connecting and whatever all, but the whole thing sounds to me like you’re both attracted more to the drama of the situation than you are to each other.And then, there’s this: “I’ve dropped all the girl hints I can drop.”

Excuse me?He exhausts you, and you cheated on him.You aren’t happy.The time for hints is well past, lady; tell him you can’t do this anymore, wish him the best, and break up with him already, my God.

I have to tell you, I don’t know what you want.One minute you’re bitching that he doesn’t get you and you want out, but you don’t take any steps towards going; the next, you’re saying you can stick it out no matter what, and what if he wants to break up with you, disaster!, like, which is it?Do you love him or don’t you?Do you want to be with him or don’t you?

From here, it looks a lot like “no” and “no.”Again, I don’t think it’s about him at this point; I think it’s about you on some level enjoying the operatic nature of the relationship and feeling like it’s All Very Significant And Part Of Your Destiny.And that’s normal, I think, from the middle of it, but seriously, step back for a few minutes and re-read this letter.You don’t know what you want, but you’re pretty sure it isn’t Ben.Bottom line.Tell him you need a break, take it, and think about what you want out of relationships in the future.

[11/29/06]

Share!