Hiya Sars!

I think your “Ask The Expert” series is a fantastic idea. Already I’ve put
new knives on my Christmas list. My question is for your financial expert
father: I’m looking to give stocks to my young out-of-town cousins as
Christmas presents. I don’t know heads or tails about investing, who I
should go through, et cetera. I’ve seen websites that offer cutesy-but-overpriced
Disney stock certificates, but I’d rather do this without a lot of
razzle-dazzle souvenirs/certificates/so on. Can you recommend any (cheap!)
online trading sites that I could buy a couple of shares through without
killing my gift budget?

Thanks!
Leah

Dear Leah,

There are tons of cheap online brokers, but buying a small lot of stock is
ruinously expensive (plus you have the hassle of opening an account, et cetera).
If you want to get your cousins cranked up about investing, use the money to
buy them a book to pique their interest (Benjamin Graham’s Intelligent
Investor, for example); then give them a few C-notes at their next birthday
for them to invest.

Dad

Hey Sars,

In a business letter (or any other communication, for that matter), is the
word “spring” capitalized when it refers to a season of the year?For
example, would I be correct in writing, “A new brand was rolled out in the
Spring of 2002”?

Many thanks,
Jenn

Dear Jenn,

I would say that, in the example you cite, “spring” is not capitalized, because you’ve got the article “the” there — but that you could capitalize it if you wrote, “A new brand was rolled out in spring of 2002.”

Neither Garner nor the dictionary has any words of wisdom on the subject, but capitalizing it looks a little fussy to me; I’d leave it lowercased unless it’s part of a headline.

Dear Sars,

I have a problem.To put it bluntly: I’m 17, nearly 18, and I’m in love with a 24-year-old.

Okay, some background: I met “John” at a summer camp.I was a camper, he was an instructor.I developed a little crush on him, but that’s it. After camp ended my crush cooled.The next summer, I returned to the same camp, and he was there again.He was every bit as funny and charming (and flirty) as I remembered him, so you won’t be surprised to hear that my feelings for him returned.Because of the age difference, I want to stress that while he did have a flirtacious manner occasionally, he never once did or said anything of an inappropriate nature, and he never made me feel uncomfortable.If anything, he was a good listener and fun to talk with.He ended up giving me his email and phone number so we could keep in touch in the future.

During the following school year, my junior year, we communicated often through the joys of technology.We actually grew really close, and I truly considered John to be a good friend.He told me I can always confide in him, and several times, I’ve taken him up on the offer and found he is a good outlet for venting and a good source of advice.I began to look forward to our almost daily converstations, and he said he felt the same.

But…my feelings never went away.In fact, they intensified.A lot.He confessed that he didn’t know what to do, because he was feeling the same way.He could get extremely flirty, and I let him because I enjoyed it.I wanted to see him in person, but I didn’t push it because I knew there were legal and social issues here. He spoke about being anxious for me to turn 18.And I hate to admit it, but I started to hang my hopes on a relationship him in the future.

Over a year of technologic correspondence has passed, and I’ve seen him a couple of times in person (which was wonderful).And then…he told me he had a girlfriend.She’d been in the picture for a few months without him mentioning her.Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt.He told me that he was sorry, he never meant to hurt me, blah blah.He said that if it weren’t for the issues of age difference and legality, he would be with me.At the same time, he says that he can’t risk hurting me again.He’s genuinely remorseful about leading me on.He says he understands if I want to terminate the friendship, but he personally doesn’t want to end it. He acts like he still cares about me, and when we met in person, he got a little too touchy-feely for someone with a girlfriend.

I just want to know — should I push this?I’ll be 18 in a matter of months.He’s told me that his girlfriend frustrates him often and he doesn’t know where it’s going.I’m tired of this, but I can’t help it — I’ve never cared for anyone as I care for him.

Give it to me straight, Sars!
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Welllll, if he were that sorry about leading you on, he wouldn’t have done it.Would he.

I think hanging your hopes on this guy is a bad call, not because of the age difference, necessarily, but because he’s handled the situation with a marked lack of backbone from the beginning.I mean, he feels it’s inappropriate, but he encourages it anyway; he tells you he has feelings for you, but then he gets a girlfriend and doesn’t tell you about her until months have passed; on the flip side of that, he’s acting kind of shady to his girlfriend by having this flirtation with you…meh.I don’t think he’s a dick or anything, but he doesn’t know what he wants, and you don’t want to deal with that long-term, believe me.

An age difference of that size at your respective ages…it’s a problem in and of itself, because a lot is going to change with you in the next five or so years of your life, but it’s also a problem because focusing on it can obscure certain other problems, problems that would be more obvious if he were your age and you weren’t worrying about statutory blah blah blah.In this case, the problem is that he’s waffly and not real trustworthy.

It hurts, but it’s not going to happen, and it shouldn’t — not because he’s older, but because he’s lame.Wish him well and cut off contact for awhile to let yourself heal.

Dear Sars —

I could really use some rational advice here.I am engaged to be married in nine months and I am not sure if I am doing the right thing.

Some background: The future Mr. (let’s call him “Ted”) and I have been together over four years.We met when I was 24 and he was 25, at a concert.I was in the middle of a long-distance relationship at the time, which collapsed shortly thereafter.I met Ted in the middle of this and he was my knight in shining armor, so to speak.When we met, I was in my last semester of college and he lived across the country from me in a town I’d always wanted to live in.We dated long distance for a few months (building up massive phone calls) and I moved across the country to be with him after I graduated.Things were hunky-dory for a while.We were in love, together forever, blah blah blah soulmate-cakes.

The thing is, I think I committed to this life partners thing too soon.Fast forward to the present day.For the past year, I’ve been feeling restless in my relationship.When I hang out with my single friends, I’m envious of their stories of new flirtations and courtships.I had a flirtation with a guy I met at my part-time job last year.It never progressed beyond kissing, but it was exciting to feel desired by someone who was not Ted.Shortly after the flirtation wound itself down, Ted asked me to marry him, and I accepted.I thought it was the right thing to do.I’m 28 and I should be settling down and creating a life with someone.

The thing is, I feel like the walls are closing in.I am no longer physically attracted to Ted.I love sleeping next to him in bed, but the spark isn’t there and sex feels like just another weekend chore.However, we live together.We share all the same friends.We are planning a wedding and have put deposits down.This all seems like a lot to throw away just because I am not sure about my relationship.I care about his family and I feel like I will be disappointing a lot of people if I call off the engagement.

Two more factors: Ted’s business requires that he stay put in the town we live in.I have been working in a “good” job that I hate for the past three years since the economy here isn’t that diverse.I feel like I gave up my dream of working in the entertainment industry (which doesn’t exist in my town) so that I could settle down with Ted.The 24-year-old me was fine with that, but the 28-year-old me is saying, “Wait! I’m just starting to reach my potential!”

And there is another boy (of course).This one is an old friend who I ran into on a trip the other weekend without Ted.I’ve had a crush on this guy for years (longer than I’ve known Ted) and never thought he was interested.Turns out he’s had feelings for me the whole time as well.Just being around this guy for a weekend made me feel like I want to feel all the time in a relationship.

So I don’t know what to do.I don’t want to think of myself as a cheater, but if I’m already looking outside of my relationship before I am married, isn’t that a bad sign?I am going to make an appointment with a therapist since my good job that I hate has excellent benefits, but I could really use your input as well.

Thanks for reading —
Confused Connie

Dear Con Con,

Okay, just…stop.Sit down, take a deep breath, rub your face…okay.You can deal with this.That’s the good news.

It’s also the bad news, because before you do anything else — start any flirtations with anyone, call any caterers — you need to deal with the issues you’re having.You need to talk to Ted and tell him exactly what you just told me, even the ugly parts you know will hurt him.Chances are he’s sensed that something’s not right himself, and before you make any big decisions, the two of you must must must discuss what’s going on; you can’t get married if you can’t communicate about the big stuff.I know it’s harsh and scary and you’d rather just leave it lie, but — don’t.Big mistake.Set aside the weekend and start dealing.

And talk.Talk about your sex life, or lack of same.Talk about how you hate your job and you feel like you might have given up your career dreams to stay with Ted.Talk about how you feel and what you think you want to do next.

I imagine that the best thing to do as far as the wedding goes is to postpone it indefinitely and get couples counseling, as well as going to therapist yourself.But first and foremost, talk to Ted.It is a problem that you’ve already started looking outside the relationship — but you do it for a reason, namely that the relationship itself isn’t giving you what you need.See if the two of you can’t find a way for it to do that again before you do anything drastic.

Well, maybe not, I’m sure I could help myself, but I feel like I need a little perspective on this whole situation.And I think you are the woman to give it to me (because TN and The Vine RULE).There are two related problems.

Firstly, I’ve recently been accepted to a post-graduate course in journalism that I really wanted to get into.I was surprised in the first place to get an interview, and doubly surprised to actually get in, because they only accept 18 people each year.I am really excited about it.I think it is the right thing to do, and I’m pretty sure I want to go.

But.No one else in my life seems to share my enthusiasm.Most people think I have already been studying for too long (I have an MA, which took me six years altogether).So my parents are all blah blah blah student-loan-cakes. My friends seem to be like, “Why would you go and be a student again, you’ll have no money” (which won’t be all that different…can you say “credit card debt”?).And everyone seems to be — so, is that what you want to do?To which I just want to reply, “No, I just applied and all that for the heck of it.Dumbass.”

So I guess my question is: Do I trust my instinct (which, based on the evidence of the rest of my life, isn’t all that good)?Or, do I let them get to me?I honestly believe all these people have my best interests at heart, and that they wouldn’t be saying these things if they didn’t think it was genuinely bad idea.

Add on to all this they fact that I am feeling pretty generally unsupported by all my friends anyway.In reading through the vine to see if I could find any other problems like mine, I came across “Worried in New Zealand.”As luck would have it, I’m also in New Zealand, and I’m pretty much Sally.

I have these two friends, we’ll call them “Mean” and “Annoying” (perhaps I’m projecting?).M and A were/are my best friends.I have known M since we were 15, and A came on the scene a little later.After uni, I got the first job I could, saved some money, and did some travelling.I came back, got the first job I could (which took about five months), and am now saving money to do the aforementioned course.I haven’t yet done any job that has to do with my degree.The other two have meanwhile moved to a new city, are roommates, and are both working within their degree fields.I understand that I have some residual jealousy (both of them living together, and the very cool jobs) going on, and I am dealing with that.The problem is with M.

Add to the mix another old friend with whom we have a lot of history.We’ll call her PsychoBitchFromHell.PBFH is another university friend who has also been travelling and recently come back and has settled in the same city as the other two.This girl has problems, and after a long time of trying to help her and getting walked all over, I washed my hands of her a while back, and told everyone concerned that (there were a lot more histrionics than I’m implying here, but that’s the long and the short of it).Since PBFH has been back, she has been spending all of her time with M, and M has changed her attitude to me.She very rarely calls, she doesn’t email me, and when she came down to visit for four days recently, I got to spend a grand total of three hours with her.At the airport. Just before she left.And because no one else could be there. Gee, thanks.She is coming down again for Christmas and New Year’s, and she has told me in no uncertain terms she will be spending New Year’s Eve (a traditionally drunken and debauched night for us) in another place with PBFH, and I am quite categorically not invited.I’m fine with that, I have other friends and had made plans anyway, but it would have been nice to be asked, you know?

So, my question is, bearing in mind she is my oldest friend, and I would hate to lose her, do I call her on her behaviour?She hasn’t said a word about journalism school, she has been brushing me off, and she’s changed.A couple of people have said that maybe we are just growing apart, but this has honestly only been happening since PBFH came back.And it also hasn’t been happening with A.My life hasn’t been that great recently, and I’ve really needed my old friend, and she hasn’t been around.So should I just concede defeat to PBFH and face that she has another convert to the cult of PsychoBitchesFromHell?

Stressed, annoyed, confused, and apparently verbose in New Zealand

Dear NZ,

Okay, I’ll take the journalism thing first.If you want to do it, you should do it — it’s your life, and it’s you who’ll have to live with the loans and the putting your career on hold (if that’s what’s required) and whatnot.

But think about why you’ve chosen to go back to/stay in school instead of starting on the career track.The implication that people pursue graduate degrees in order to hide from “the real world” is really really annoying, but the thing is that, sometimes, it’s accurate — so mull it over.Make sure the program is really right for you and your post-program career, and not just a way to avoid other decisions, before you rack up more debt.

As for M, well, it sounds like she’s in PBFH’s thrall, but the why of the way she’s acting isn’t all that important — she’s downgraded you, so it’s time for you to do the same to her.People grow apart; accept it as gracefully as you can, and focus on other friends you can rely on.

[12/11/03]

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