Dear SarsDad,

My husband and I just got married, and are starting to save funds for a first home.Do you have any recommendations for a savings plan that gives you the most bang for your buck?Something’s got to be better than the puny .6% we accrue on in our regular bank savings account.

Thanks much,
Saving for a Home Sweet Home

Dear HSH,

Believe it or not, U.S. Savings Bonds will probably do the trick if you are looking at a three-to-five-year horizon.The rates offered are based on marketable five-year Treasury notes, the Savings Bonds can be redeemed any time without principal loss (although the interest will be reduced if they are cashed early), and the interest is exempt from state income taxes.Go to the Treasury’s website for details and start enjoying the extra 2%.

Dad

Dear Sars,

Okay, so there’s this cat (isn’t there always?).Specifically, my seven-year-old
“alpha cat,” Disraeli (names have not been changed, since I refuse to worry
about his reputation any longer), and his way of urinating to get what he
wants.

Disraeli is a large desexed tomcat of dominant personality.I made a couple
of mistakes in his early rearing; firstly, I didn’t get him desexed until he
was around a year old, and secondly, he got spoiled absolutely rotten.He
was a kitten of my share-house days and quickly learnt that his place in the
hierarchy was pretty close to the top.

From the beginning, he has used toilet behaviour as a way of acting out;
quite apart from the adolescent spraying, he would defecate on a carpet if
he felt neglected by me (especially after I’d been away on a short holiday
and left him in a housemate’s care, for example).That seems to cease
after…well, after I got him desexed, and moved out of a sharehouse
situation and settled down a bit.I don’t know which was the trigger.
However, my move caused other problems.

Disraeli ignored previous boyfriends, but when I moved in with my
now-husband “Tom,” the two of them immediately began competing for alpha male
position; that is, Raeli pissed on Tom’s favourite books and in his boot,
Tom picked the boot up and chucked it at him.Three years on, Raeli
seemed to have accepted, albeit grudgingly, that Tom is boss (Tom uses wise
techniques like handling the cat by its scruff, not violence).Since Tom
travels a lot on business, every time he comes back Raeli tests the
hierarchy again, but about a year has passed with little drama.

In the past two or three months, however, Raeli’s toilet habits have stepped
up a notch in malice and cunning, and now I don’t know what to do.

About three times a week we have found stealth-puddles around the ground
floor.Usually done in dark corners or behind furniture so we don’t
discover them until we notice a smell.Luckily the floor is slate so it’s
an easy mop-up, but it’s constant and beyond a joke.The litter tray is
kept clean and easy to access (our younger cat has no problems using it),
and we let the cats into the garden on demand when we’re awake since they
prefer to do their thing outdoors.Failing incontinence, which this doesn’t
seem to be (he’s a healthy seven-year-old cat and I’m sure I would have noticed
incontinence), I can think of no reason why this should be happening now.

Raeli and I have another ongoing power struggle which is connected.The
cats are allowed to roam freely, pretty much, and although we prefer them to
be in at night we haven’t managed to enforce that very well; sometimes we
can’t find them in the evening.When Raeli is in at night, there comes a
point almost every night that he wants to go out.His technique for forcing
me to give in used to alternate between jumping on and off the bed for up
to an hour, and sitting on my bedside table and pushing things off it until I
give in.The problem is that when he misbehaves like this, I can’t shut him
in the spare room or the bathroom, because he urinates (and although I could
mop it up in the bathroom, it’s pretty tiny and I feel bad).

Lately, he’s
adopted a new technique, though; threatening to urinate.How does he do
this?I’m a very light sleeper, so he crawls under the bed (a favourite
urinating spot) and scrapes his paw along the wood, the way they do when
they’re preparing to evacuate various parts of their bodies.I wake up and
think, “Oh no, the cat’s going to piss under the bed again,” scoop him up and
throw him outside.For him, this is a far more instant result than his old
tricks, which I would ignore for up to an hour.So he wins.

This is a cat, then, who has always used toilet functions as a way of
expressing discontent or anger at me (as far as I can see, and I don’t think
I’m anthromorphising), and who has always refused to be confined to the
house.Now he’s learnt that threatening to piss everywhere is a good way to
get quick results when he wants to go out.He is also, frequently and
surreptitiously, leaving puddles around the house, deliberately hidden for
me or Tom to find.I accept that I’m at fault in the way I’ve brought him
up, but that doesn’t provide me with a solution.Tom has suggested making
him a completely “outside cat,” but that doesn’t sit right with me.

Can you think of any way I can stop the damn cat pissing already?

Cat Toy

Dear Toy,

If you know for a fact that the pissing isn’t a physical problem — you’ve brought him to the vet for a thorough check-up and nothing’s turned up — start locking him in the bathroom, along with a litterbox, when you can’t keep a direct eye on him or at times when you think you might have made him angry.It’s the only way to keep him from marking, aside from leaving him outside all the time.

You probably can’t retrain him at this late date, so you’ll have to restrain him instead.He won’t like the bathroom, but if you don’t confine him to quarters, it’ll continue to reinforce the idea that he can pee where he likes with impunity.At least in the bathroom he’ll only do it in the one place, even if he refuses to use the box in protest.

Dear Ever-Knowing Sars,

I usually don’t ask people for advice.I’m usually the one that gives out the advice in my circle of friends, and I’m usually pretty good at it.But for this, I need some help.I can’t ask my friends for fear that some information will leak out to the two important parties involved.So, here I go…

I have been dating Boyfriend for about two years now.Things are good.I mean, they aren’t perfect, but what relationship is?We have lived together for about a year.It isn’t exactly like we are living together romantically, but more in a roommate capacity.I love him dearly, and can’t imagine my life without him.He is the best guy I know, and anybody would be downright privileged to be with him.I can’t even list more then three things that annoy me about him.

So, here is the problem.Lately, I’ve been having feelings for Someone Else.They aren’t exactly feelings either, more of a lusting.SE and I have been friends for as long as I can remember, and in the past, we have been intimate, but that was long ago, and long before Boyfriend and I got together.But lately, whenever I am hanging out with SE, I find myself wanting to fool around with him.He is always flirting with me, and telling me how attractive I am and complimentary things like that.He has a girlfriend, but on a couple of occasions, with much alcohol involved, we have kissed.Neither Boyfriend or SE’s girlfriend know anything about this, and they were really nothing.Basically just modified pecks really.I know that if I allowed it to happen, SE would do more then just kiss me, but I haven’t let it get to that point.I do not want a relationship with SE, it is purely physical.

I do not want to have these lustings for SE.I love Boyfriend, and can honestly see myself marrying him one day.I want these feelings for SE to go away, but they just won’t.Sometimes I picture SE when I’m being intimate with Boyfriend, and I hate it.Nothing is really wrong with Boyfriend and I.Things are routine, and boring at times, but all relationships go through that.We will be moving out from our living situation shortly, and I am hoping that not living together anymore will help our relationship get some of that spontaneity back.

So, I guess what I want to know is if you can tell me how to stop feeling for SE, and just be happy with what I have?I would never tell Boyfriend about the incidents with SE, because they weren’t anything really, and I wouldn’t want to hurt him.But these feelings for SE are ruining my relationship with Boyfriend, because I am constantly thinking about SE.I am trying to convince myself that the reason I feel for SE is because he makes me feel wanted, where Boyfriend makes me feel comfortable.I am also in my early twenties, and I wonder if the feelings are my way of getting out of my relationship with Boyfriend, because I’m too young to be so serious.Besides the kissing incidents, I am an overall good girlfriend.I don’t treat Boyfriend badly at all, and we do love each other dearly.I don’t really think I want to break up with Boyfriend.Please help me get rid of these thoughts about SE so that I can be happy with Boyfriend!

Sincerely,
My Thoughts Are Killing Me

Dear Thoughts,

You don’t have to get rid of the thoughts; it’s normal to get crushes on and have lustings for other people when you’re in a long-term relationship.You do have to stop acting on them, and/or putting yourself in a position where you might act on them, though.Kissing another guy?No.Don’t do it again.Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you get to put it in play.

And keep something else in mind: the spark is a dangerous concept when it comes to relationships, because it implies that the way two people interact with each other is, like, foreordained or something.You have to try not to think like that, because idealizing a romantic relationship and thinking that, once you’ve gotten together, the thing is just going to run under its own steam or not and you don’t have to work at it…it doesn’t really happen like that.It can, but usually, it doesn’t.Usually, you have to work at it, at being fully present when you spend time together and not on autopilot.It sounds self-helpy and unromantic, but if you don’t want the relationship to feel routine, you have to get up and change the routine.

Maybe you and Boyfriend just aren’t a good fit; I can’t say.But I think you have to try a little harder to actively fit with Boyfriend — instead of letting things drift whichever way — before you make that call.Stop seeing SE for a while and focus on Boyfriend, what you love about him, the quality of time you spend with him.

About six or seven months ago, I was going through an
exceptionally rough time.New city, new job, hard time making friends,
blah.When I found out that my fiancé (not living in new city with me)
had been cheating on me for years, I did not take the news well.As in
“constant thoughts of suicide” not well.

One of my best friends from
college (we’ll call her “Bubbles,” bless her heart) immediately booked a
flight to come out and make sure I was okay.The problem was that
“Buttercup,” another friend from college who lives a few blocks away from
me, decided that Bubbles’s visit was an opportunity for a Big Fun
Reunion, even though we tried to disabuse her of that idea.I like
Buttercup, and she’s fun to hang out with, but we’ve never been
exceptionally close, and Dickface is a subject that she’s uncomfortable
discussing.

Bubbles and I had planned on spending the weekend doing
traditional friend-comforting-heartbroken-friend stuff — she had
suggested helping me burn/throw out Dickface debris and giving me hugs,
which was so what I needed at the time.Instead, Buttercup basically
showed up at my apartment every day to go to breakfast with us and left
to go to bed, even after we told her we wanted time alone to talk.The
few conversations Bubbles and I had during our two waking hours alone
ended up being of the “so that movie rocked” variety.Plus, we never
even got to set anything on fire.

On the whole, it was a good weekend,
but I was still kind of pissed off.I never talked to Bubbles about it,
but she seemed pretty annoyed by the constant presence.I also never
talked to Buttercup about it, since I don’t think she was trying to
intrude but rather just didn’t get the point.Also, I hate
confrontation of any kind.Our relationship has since continued to be
of the “go to a show every couple weeks and have fun but never really
talk about anything of substance” variety.

Flash forward to last week.Bubbles, Buttercup, and three other college
friends hold an annual reunion thingy, hosted this year by Buttercup.
All five are several years older than me and have been doing this
forever; it’s pretty much a ritual for them.When I lived in Bubbles’s
hometown, I was included in almost all of their plans the year they met
up there, so naturally when I find out they’re coming here, I think,
“Yay!I get to see everyone!”However, the entire week they were in
town was micromanaged by Buttercup, and I was pretty much excluded from
everything.I was invited to a concert one night and a play another,
but not to the dinners before both.Even though I understand that this
is their tradition, it still hurt, since they’re my close friends, too.

My question is whether it’s petty of me to be pissed off about this,
especially after Buttercup’s intrusion last year.The whole “avoiding
confrontation” thing plus the fact that I feel whiny means that I
haven’t brought it up with any of them.And it’s not like I can do
anything about it now, after the fact.

Justify my emotions!Or don’t!

Blossom

Dear Blossom,

It’s not petty, exactly, although I don’t think I understand why you care.You said yourself you don’t consider Buttercup a close friend — and why, after she seemed oblivious to social niceties the last time, would you assume that she’d observe them now?I don’t know what you expected.She’s a boor.You let her get away with it before.Case closed.

You can feel however you want; it’s an emotion, not a hypothesis in need of proof.But you can’t expect people to read your mind.If you wanted to spend time with Bubbles alone, you should have said so, to both Buttercup and Bubbles, and then acted to do so.You didn’t.It’s frustrating, but it’s pretty much your own fault.Work on asserting yourself a little more so you don’t put yourself in the position of feeling this way in the future.

Dear Sars,

I’m usually pretty good at dispensing advice on my own, but here’s a tough
one.

My friend S has finally admitted that her continuing interaction with her
abusive ex-boyfriend F is making her life suck nine ways from Sunday.
True, one of the reasons she still hangs around with him is because she
hasn’t gotten over him, but a lot of it is because she’s been the
mommy-figure for F’s daughter for the past few years.(The bio-mom is out
of the picture.I don’t know the details, but it appears that F has full
custody, and that the bio-mom doesn’t, and probably shouldn’t, have any
legal rights where the daughter is concerned.I don’t know how old the
daughter is, except that she’s old enough to roller skate and young enough
to be cute all the time.)

As I see it, my friend S has two choices.The one I’m in favor of is that
she needs to walk away from F and get on with her life, based on the
theory that you need to look out for yourself when other people’s
suckyness and abuse and drama are making you miserable.The problem here
is that if S walks away, the daughter loses her pseudo-mommy, and gets to
grow up watching Daddy hit his girlfriends.(Not that anything’s stopping
him now.)

The second option for S is to stick around and suck up the abuse, for the
sake of the daughter.I wouldn’t ever be in favor of sucking up abuse,
but I suppose it’s possible that S could work it out so that she’s only
there for the daughter, and doesn’t have anything to do with F. Except
that that’s what she’s been trying to do, and she’s still gotten hurt
(both physically and emotionally).

I suppose that in either case, S could bring in the law and social
services.On the one hand, F is messed up and needs help and his daughter
isn’t living in a healthy environment.On the other hand, the possibility
of dumping the daughter into foster care is a chance that S won’t take.
(And no, even if it were legally possible, S can’t support a kid.)

There’s another unviable option where I round up a posse and we beat the
living shit out of F.While it might be a well-deserved beating, my
understanding of abusers is that this will produce more, not less, bad
behavior, and so isn’t really an option.Never mind the possibility of
going to jail for assault.

There’s a question in here somewhere.Ah, yes.Have I missed some other
course of action for my friend S?Do you agree with my take on “walk
away”? And, if so, how do I convince her to turn her back on a little girl
that loves her, that she loves back?

Advice Dispenser

Dear Dis,

I don’t see another option, frankly.You haven’t really said how F treats the daughter; you don’t mention that he’s abusive towards her, only towards S, but where there’s smoke, et cetera.So, it’s tempting for me to tell you to tell S to get the hell out of there and call DCFS, but if F isn’t mistreating the kid…I don’t know.

But the bottom line, unfortunately, is that F’s daughter is his responsibility, not S’s, and I don’t think it’s a great message to send to the daughter that a woman her father has beaten on will keep coming around — not to mention that it’s physically and emotionally dangerous for S herself.She needs to separate herself from the situation.

S can leave a phone number for the daughter, and write to her, and tell her that she loves her no matter what but she’s got to go away; she can try to put some sort of spy-friend network in place to make sure the daughter is okay.But I think she’s got to go, and she’s got to understand that whatever happens after that isn’t her fault.

[12/12/03]

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