Dear Sars,

My workplace has an abundance of people and not enough office space.Those not lucky enough to have an office to themselves either have to double up or sit in Cubicle City.

I tend not to get to terribly involved with my co-workers, but I did have a friendship with someone with whom I’d shop or have the occasional lunch with on weekends.Friendship-lite, if you will.She used to work on my floor and got moved elsewhere over a year ago.Granted, we were not the best of friends, but I am extremely pissed about what said “friend” managed to pull off.

During some meetings that I was not privy to, it was decided that Miss Thang would be moved back to my floor.Okay, fine. When she realized that she would not be able to get her old office back, she made a case for (and was granted) my office! The excuse she gave the Powers That Be was that she’d be better able to perform her job function back in her old area and because I “only” work part-time (five hours fewer than her full-time position), she was “more entitled” to the space. Gee, thanks.My boss agreed to this because wanted another employee to relocate closer to him.He “sacrificed” my office to get what he wanted. Gee, thanks, Part II.

I happen to know that she wanted to get back on our floor because she does not get along with most of the people where she’s located now, she likes the newer furnishings we have in our part of the building and we also have access to better parking.Oh yeah — we also have donuts on Fridays.Nowhere in the list of complaints that she made to me was there anything mentioned about “doing a better job.”

Anyway, Miss Thang keeps hanging around her soon-to-be-office under the guise of stopping by to say hello to me.She has done it enough in the past couple of weeks that other people have noticed that’s she’s suddenly on our floor a LOT. To make matters worse, she’s being sickeningly nice while she’s standing there mentally hanging her certificates on the walls. The last time she came to visit, she shuffled her feet, avoided my eyes and said that she was “really sorry” and that she “had to take the space [she’d] been assigned.” I had to control the urge to yell “LIAR!”

I know there are “real” problems in the world, but this whole episode is really bothering me.I feel like I was stabbed in the back twice.

My boss has his head up his ass and clearly has no idea what I actually use my office for.As anyone who does admin work will tell you, putting together projects is no easy task and the more space you have to do your work, the better.Miss Thang has a different job function altogether and doesn’t require the same amount of space.Trust me.

At long last, here is my question: How do I respond to her when she tries to make with the nice-nice?I would never be unprofessional or rude, but I have to be honest and say that I have zero interest in maintaining a friendship with this person, however slight.

Please sign me…

Milton in a Skirt

Dear Milt,

Tell her that having to move out of your office is a significant inconvenience for you, and as a matter of fact so is speaking with her during the business day when you have work to do, so if she could please excuse you…shut the door, while you still have one.

Once you’ve made it politely plain that giving up your office is an ass-tear (a point you should strongly consider making, if you haven’t already, to your boss, even though it might do any good), it will then be time to let it go.Find a way to be civil to her and to get the focus back on your own work.

Sars,

You can tell “Is tax evasion REALLY that big a deal” not to worry.If she
is making only $8,000 for the year and she claims only the standard
deduction she will only owe something around $300 to the IRS.She would
not be required to make estimated payments each quarter (generally, you
only have to do that if you expect to owe the IRS at least $1,000).

There is helpful, mostly straight forward, and free info available at
http://www.irs.gov/.Just tell her to visit the link and do a search on
“self-employed” and go from there.Many people get intimidated because no
one has ever walked them through the forms.Her situation (based on the
limited info) is extremely simple and I would hate to see her fork over
money to H&R Block or a similar outfit unnecessarily.

Sincerely,
Don’t tell any other CPAs what I said

Dear Your Secret’s Safe With Me,

I would still advise her to put an accountant on her annual payroll.Her fiscal situation will not always stay this simple, and having a trained expert on the case long-term who’s familiar with your finances is a smart investment — particularly if, in addition to self-employment kerfuffle, you’ve got any other deductions, you’re filing as a student, et cetera et cetera.

There’s nothing wrong with doing your own taxes, but if it’s something that gives you a stabbing pain in your stomach and makes you feel overwhelmed, just pay a pro.It’s what they’re there for.

Hi Sars:

Last night I passed my local Astoria sports bar. On
their chalkboard, it said, “Come on in! It’s Sunday
Night! What else you gonna do?”

And then, below, in capital block letters:

PRETTY GIRLS DRINK FREE

The troubling thing is that my initial reaction was
not one of outrage, but of intrigue, somewhere
basically along the lines of, “Huh. I wonder if I’d
get to drink free.”

Then I immediately felt disgusted with myself for
wondering this. My basic question is, umm, what?
What’s going on here? I mean, I know it’s
transparently demeaning to women, but is that really
an excuse to go all femi-nazi? Should I have stormed
in and demanded its immediate removal with the BBB on
speed dial? Or should I serenely accept that the
feminist movement was about choice, and if a woman
chooses to go on in and cash the “pretty” card to get
drunk cheaply, that’s her right, just as it is the
guy’s right to somehow believe that plying a woman
with alcohol guarantees a no-strings-attached blow
job?

Zach, my boyfriend, thinks that they just wanted to
write something “clever” on their sign, and would have
let any woman who inquired drink for free, and not be
so much discerning between “pretty” and “not pretty.”
This scenario is better, but NOT BY MUCH. I guess it’s
worth noting that the place was nearly empty except
for five sad guys nursing pints and zombie-ing out to
some sports channel.

What’s your take?

Honey, as in “you catch more flies with”

Dear Honey,

I’m with Zach.It’s just something to put on the sign and catch your eye.Which worked.

I myself wouldn’t bother getting offended by something like that, because it’s the kind of sexism that nobody really “has to” deal with — it’s not like the wage gap, or choice, where even if it doesn’t affect you personally, other women are getting dinged by it.It’s a bar; nobody has to go in there.So, vote with your feet, and don’t go in there.Astoria’s got a beer garden; bundle up and go there instead.

Hi Sars,

My best friend’s sister basically ran away from her life this past weekend.
She left a note with instructions and some reasons why, then hopped on a
Greyhound — leaving behind a husband and three young children, and no contact
information.

In the interest of actually getting to the point, is there any recourse for
her family? Can they file her as missing with the police? She’s a
card-carrying member of the adult population, and while it’s not a great
thing, is abandoning your family actually against the law? Should they go
with a private investigator?

Any information you could give me for finding people would be welcome. Her
family is devastated and hurt, but above all, they want her back so they can
work through and heal this brokenness. I know I’ve left out a lot of the
story, but the tone of the letter and some other actions ring of a desperate
cry for help.

Wishing I Could Do More

Dear More,

I believe they can file a missing-persons report; just because she went missing on purpose doesn’t mean she’s not missing.I think you have a waiting period,with adults, before you can file, but she’s gone and she’s a potential danger to herself; that’s enough to get the police involved, and the sooner the better.

If the police tell the family to wait a bit longer before filing — like if she just disappeared yesterday — her husband can try to track her progress via their credit cards.He can also compile a list of anywhere he thinks she might have gone, and just start calling around to see if anyone knows anything.Any information is useful.

Good luck.

Sarah —

Here’s the dish: I have been seriously dating “Bob” for a year.I have dated plenty of other guys in the past and always nicely ended things when I realized that they weren’t “the one.”Bob is different (aren’t they all).He is absolutely the most genuine, kindest, warmest, most wonderful man I’ve ever met and every day I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found someone this amazing.Gushing.I know.Sorry.Anyways, I’m clearly ass-over-end in love with him and I know that he feels the same way.We’ve discussed marriage and agree that we do want to get married.Neither of us feel that right now is the ideal time, however.I’ve always been a stern believer in long courtships and short engagements and so has he.We’re taking our time and just enjoying being with each other right now.

Here’s the rub (to go with the dish, of course): He has just been offered an amazing job in a city two-and-a-half hours away from where we currently live (which isn’t together, by the way –- we have separate houses).I would be a horrible person to discourage him from pursuing this job, as it is what he has been working towards for quite a while, so of course I’ve told him to go for it.He asked me to come with him, but I simply can’t right now.Why?Because I just landed a similar job three months ago.

Now, don’t think that I value my career over the love of my life.I don’t.However, I am very grounded and realistic and know that throwing this job away after only three months would be foolish and a decision I would regret for years to come.I have told Bob that I will happily come to live with him after I’ve “put in my dues” at my current job and taken away as much as I can from it.I know that bigger and better things will be on my doorstep if I stick with this job for a while (read: a year or two) and learn what I can.

So, after all that rambling, here’s my question: Do you think that Bob and I will work in the long run?Do you think I’m utterly idiotic for not following him immediately?I am 100% committed to him and to continuing our relationship by whatever means necessary (long drives, weekend trips, large phone bills –- I don’t care) and for however long it takes for me to get to him.He feels the same way.However, our friends and family, not to mention my coworkers, don’t believe that it will.They have given us two months, tops.It is disheartening to say the least that they feel this way.I suppose it’s because I am kind of reserved about my feelings for Bob around other people -– I’m not one to dither on about how in lurve I am, so the most I can guess is that they simply don’t understand quite how serious I am about this.I have never been in a long-distance relationship and don’t really know what to expect.So, guru, what do you think?Am I doomed?

Say It Ain’t So

Dear Say,

I’m not quite clear on why your friends and co-workers feel it’s appropriate to handicap the odds of your relationship succeeding — particularly when they feel that those odds are so poor.I mean, we all know long-distance relationships are hard, but two and a half hours is not exactly ultra-hardship, and even if he were moving to China, it’s a bit rude of them to just be all, “Pfft, good luck with that.”

I don’t think you’re doomed.I think you have to remember the golden rules of long-distance relationships, to wit: 1. be clear with each other about the parameters, i.e. why it’s happening, how long it’s going to last, what each of you needs to stay happy in the situation; 2. be flexible about said situation and willing to make changes if it’s not going well; and 3. don’t fight or have State of the Relationship Union talks on the phone, ever.

Long-distance, it’s hard, but it seems like a lot of people get into trouble with them before they even start by moaning about how hard it is, am I making a big mistake, what if he what if I wah wah wah.These are valid concerns and anxieties, but I had a distance thing for a year and a half, and it wasn’t my preference, but it was what it was and we just…dealt.

So, as hard as this is, try to just accept the situation for what it is, and handle the things in it that need handling as they come up.It’s not on your friends to do that, and you’re only doomed if you take their opinion as gospel.

[12/14/04]

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