Dear Sars,

You’ve helped me before. I’m a big fan. Your DC recaps slay me.

I am, right now, at age seventeen, going through a very stressful time.The problem is not necessarily the stress, but what the stress is leading to: Desperation, despondency, and a desire to just throw in the towel on all these situations.

First of all, there’s college. I’ve applied, under pressure from Dad, to three Ivy leagues and one school I do want to attend (University of Chicago), plus a shabby local school. Now, I’m not sure if I can even get into any of these schools, but my father insists I can’t even leave state unless I get a FULL scholarship. That’s too much, and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

Then there’s the personal life. An old friend who I got drunk with one night, and well, stuff happened. Now things are weird. Of course. And an ex, who is pursuing me under the guise of friendship, with mixed results.Not only that, but I recently came out as a bisexual to my closest friends, hoping it to be acknowledged and left alone (since this is kind of new to me, I want to discover it in relative peace), but only to be pestered with skeptical “Are you sures?” and intrusive “So do you like any girls right now?”

The holidays are coming, and all these situations are piling up. My supportive circle of friends has dispersed to their separate universities and my parents scoff at my despondency, saying that I’m acting spoiled and need to grow up.

My question is this: How do I handle the stress and look at all this in a positive light? How do I shape up my attitude or at least find a new lease on life before the holidays?

Regards,
George Bailey with no Clarence in sight

Dear George,

Wow.Okay, let’s take the problems one at a time, because when we pile them all together, the whole seems greater than the sum of the parts, I think, and that’s part of the problem here.

First, the college thing.Your college decisions will sort themselves out.I know it doesn’t seem that way now, but trust me, the dust will settle and you’ll make a choice and it will turn out fine – and if it doesn’t, you can handle it.You will pick a college, and if you hate it, you will transfer.You will try to find a way to make your father see sense, and if you fail, you will shift for yourself.It’s scary, but it’s doable; financial-aid offices exist for just this reason.For now, though, wait to see where you get in and try not to worry too much about what happens after that.

On to the personal life.Simplify.Tell the ex that it’s friendship or nothing, because you can’t handle more right now.Talk to the friend you hooked up with and explain to him/her that you hope the two of you can continue your friendship without too much tweaking, and then let him/her sort his/her own shit out, because you can’t force it.Let your friends think what they want about your sexuality, because it’s really your thing to roll with whichever way you decide, and their ignorance isn’t your problem.You’ve got too much going on at once in this arena, and for the sake of your sanity, you’ve got to slough off any non-emergent emotional hassles.It’s easier said than done, but – and this applies to your college issues as well – you can’t please everyone, and believe me when I tell you you’ll go nuts trying.

And now to the stress, and the sadness, and the feeling – although you haven’t said so in so many words – that you’ve got to deal with all of this on your own.This is an incredibly stressful, annoying, super-busy time of year, with lots to do and much forced gaiety to endure.Millions of other people throw their hands up and give in to the bad mood in December, so keep in mind that it’s not just you.It’s normal.You’re fried right now, academically and emotionally, and you’re handling a couple of major life changes with regards to your studies and your sexuality, and you need to give yourself a damn break and process that stuff at your own pace.

Your parents don’t sound terribly supportive with regards to your seeking counseling, so I’d recommend doing a bit of research into low-cost options in your area.There’s a lot of sliding-scale clinics and hospitals where Ph.D students offer free counseling services, and I think you should talk to a professional, just to help you untangle a few things and give you perspective.

I suffer from panic attacks now and then, and a friend of mine once gave me an excellent piece of advice: “Just take the ride, because the ride always ends.”In other words, you feel overwhelmed, and the fact that you feel as though you “shouldn’t” feel that way – that you “have to” grin and bear it – is only making it worse.Feel overwhelmed.Accept that you feel overwhelmed.That way, you can start working on the things overwhelming you, and get past them – and you will get past them.

Good luck, and go easy on yourself.

[12/19/00]

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