Hi Sars,

I just read your Vine regarding “Terminally Gender Confused”, and I have a
book to recommend that might be of some help.I had a friend in college
that was MtF, and while I supported her, I never really understood exactly
what made her decide to make such a huge life-altering decision.I
recently read “She’s Not There” by Jennifer Finney Boylan, and it’s a
wonderful account of how James Finney Boylan came to be Jennifer; after
reading the book, I think I can understand, to the extent possible, what
people with gender identity crisis go through, and more importantly why
they chose to go through it.Terminally might want to give it a try; it
may help her to begin working through whether she actually wants to become
a man, or whether it really is just penis envy.

Best,
Gender-bender friendly

Dear GBF,

I read Boylan’s book over the summer, and it’s well-written and funny as well as enlightening; I’d recommend it to anyone, but especially anyone who’s either asking the gender question of themselves or knows someone who is.

Sars, since I love your opinions on friendships and cats, I had to write you for your opinion on two different questions. The first is the complicated one, and the one dealing with ethics and manners.

My circle of friends is pretty well-mixed, sex-wise, but this particular issue deals only with the female ones, which adds a layer to my confusion.I have two good female friends who are good friends with each other and also with another girl who I don’t like at all, but I tolerate.The one I don’t like can be called M1, and she was friends with my friend M2 long before either of them met M3.Anyway, M1 was involved in a drama the involved her sleeping with her old roommate’s boyfriend, and all this ended right before M1 met M3.M2 was around to witness it all.

Well, some time after this whole mess, M2 started hanging out with the Roommate again, who I think is the sweetest girl.And she wanted to bring her over to M3’s house, and M3 grudgingly obliged, since she is friends with M1 and knows that Roommate and M1 now hate each other.When we all got to M3’s house, it came out that M3 heard a very different story from M1 about the drama between Roommate and M1.M3 heard that M1 was “taken advantage of” one night when everyone was drunk.But M2 (who was around a lot when this happened) and Roommate say it was a six-month affair that was tearfully confessed but not forgiven (obviously).

Anyway, M3 is furious.She does NOT like being lied to, even if it’s about something that doesn’t involve her.She is suspicious, too, since M1 has painted Roommate to be an evil bitch monster who can’t forgive her for practically being raped.M3 told me all about her anger, andI had to say, I really never trusted M1, and she could see my point.

So my question is this: M1 is moving to a nearby city soon with her new husband to raise her baby that is due soon.M3 wants to confront her with these lies.M1 has a lot invested in these lies, not only due to keeping M3’s respect, but we also suspect she has told these lies to her new husband as well.M2 and I think it’s just as well to let her leave without confronting her, since it’s in the past.Also, since she is starting a family, we don’t want to expose her as a liar when it could cause damage to her new family.M3 doesn’t think she can continue the friendship without the confrontation.Plus, M3 is not about to tell the new husband, so she thinks if it gets out, it really is M1’s fault for not being discreet herself.Do you think she should confront her or not?

My second question is this: I have a fat cat and a skinny cat who are used to eating from the same bowl.We want the fat cat to lose some weight, ’cause we would like to keep her around for awhile.But skinny cat really can’t lose any weight, because he would get sick?Do you have any suggestions?Or should we just let her be fat?

Sincerely,
Friends Are Great, but Cats Are Easier

Dear Easier,

If M3 does want to continue the friendship, she should sit M1 down and tell her it’s come to her attention that M1 misrepresented a situation, and she’d like to discuss that.Maybe M1 will get defensive and blow up and it’ll be out of M3’s hands anyway, but if she wants it out in the open, she should get it out in the open, in a private conversation (the husband has nothing to do with it, and shouldn’t).But she should ask herself what she really wants to happen, if she does in fact want to keep the friendship going.M1 is a liar, she’s moving to another town…maybe she should just let it go, long-term.

As for the cats, you could ask your vet about it, but I would start feeding them separately.Give the fat one the diet food and the skinny one the regular food, or put the fat one in the bathroom so the skinny one has time to eat…I don’t know.But definitely focus on play time with the fat one so that she gets more exercise.

Dear Sars,

I was wondering what an acronym really is.I had always been taught — and
Webster’s agrees with me — that an acronym is a word made up of the initials
of a longer term (e.g., “scuba” for “self-contained underwater breathing
apparatus”).But lately I’ve heard a lot of people, including yourself in
your response to “Anxious Yet Pretentious,” call initials that don’t spell a
word (e.g., “MBA”) acronyms.

Has the meaning evolved with (mis)usage?

Thanks,
Acro-numbskull

Dear Acro,

I don’t know which Webster’s you’ve got, but mine defines “acronym” as “a word (as NATO, radar, or snafu) formed from the initial letter or letters of each of the successive parts or major parts of a compound term; also : an abbreviation (as FBI) formed from initial letters : INITIALISM.”

That’s from the latest edition, so yes, I’d say the definition has evolved.

Dear Sars:

I found some pretty awful websites on my workstation’s history this morning. Not like serial killer shit, but some fairly ugly porn, underage girls, and something called savagesonblondes.com which is both racist and damned disgusting.

I share this workstation with two guys, but we work different days — meaning if one of us is here, the others are not. I don’t really know them. I’ve met one a few times and the other once. I have no way of finding out who it is, because the login number is workstation specific and we all use the same one.

What would you do? Leave a “to whichever sick fuck” note to them to stop using the work computer for this shit, or just tell my boss straight up? Should I wait to see if it keeps showing up? I have the best job record of the three of us, my boss is a woman, too, and the asshole is not even bothering to erase the history.

I’ll be believed, but another problem is nepotism. It’s how all three of us got this extra cash part-time thing in New York’s job market. One’s mother is the dean of the department.The other’s brother is a longtime full-time employee, and I have a relative on staff, too. I don’t want to cause a department-wide brawl, but I have to use the internet to work, and seeing all this teenhijinx.com shit on the scrollbar all morning is pissing me off more and more. Any thoughts?

Disgusted Part-Timer

Dear Disgusted,

I’d go the more polite route to start out with.Leave a note or send an email to both, asking whichever one of them is visiting those sites to stop, or at least to clear the workstation’s history before he leaves.Strongly imply that, if you keep finding porn in the cache, you will have to report it.

If that doesn’t work and it does keep showing up in the history, report it.Tell your supervisor that, you know, you don’t want anyone to get fired; you just don’t want to look at that shit all day long, and you tried to tell the others that, but if they won’t clear the history on your say-so, maybe they’ll do it on your boss’s.

Dear Sars,

Well, I’ve finally got a problem that needs an objective answer, so here I am.

I’ve been divorced for a little while now and have been enjoying my rediscovered freedom.A few weeks ago, I met a guy and ended up…well, I’m sure you know how it ended up.The night was great.The sex was great.The conversation was great.The next day he took me home and took my phone and programmed it with both his home and cell numbers.When I told him that I don’t usually call guys, he told me to get over it (in a nicer way than that) and told me to call.And for the first time in a long time, I actually wanted to see a guy more than once.

Flash forward one week later.By some weird quirk, we ended up at the same bar.Partially pissed because my “friend” who was supposed to show and give me a ride home didn’t, and incredibly nervous because this guy was there, I indulged in a few too many beers.Long story short, he agreed to give me a ride home.

Here’s the kink (of course there’s a kink): his ex had gone to the bar as well.They were both planning to go to some mutual friend’s party.Since they had dated for awhile, et cetera, it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to go, too.This makes perfect sense, but due to all the alcohol in my system, I got a bit sarcastic while talking to him on the way home.Unfortunately, being no dummy, he picked it up and called me on it.The next day I felt like an idiot (of course) and called him and left a nervous apology on his voicemail.I’m not even sure what I said.

He hasn’t called back, but had told me initially that he doesn’t usually call people.This isn’t my first one-night fling.Or my last.But I really enjoyed the sex and think that he did, too, and would like to see him again.I’ve tried to just brush it off, but something about it has gotten under my skin, and nothing I’ve tried has worked.I’m afraid to call again because I acted like such a fuckwit the last time I saw him.Or afraid that he has met somebody else since then.

So here’s the question…finally.Do you think that I should just grow a pair and call again?Or should I give up the ghost and learn to chew gum when I’m nervous?

Thanks — love the column,
Wondering if the second comma after “too” was unnecessary in the last paragraph

Dear Wondering,

It wasn’t.

I think that, if it’s bugging you, you should call one more time.It does sound, to me, like just one of those things with bad timing where you caught him on a weird night and he got bugged out and it’s not going to go any further, but if you want to call, you should call.

But you should also remind yourself that a guy who will nag you to call him, but who says that he “doesn’t usually call people” himself, is probably not the type of self-absorbed weirdo you want to get embroiled with anyway.

[12/23/03]

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