Hi Sars,

I have a problem that could use some outside perspective, and as a smoker, I’m hoping you can help me see a side of the situation that I’m having a hard time seeing myself. Here goes…

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about a year. When we first met, he was a smoker and, knowing ahead of time that I didn’t want to date a smoker (he was good friends with my best friend, who filled him in on all my pet-peeves at the time), he went on the patch almost as soon as we started dating. From the beginning, we went through a rough time — I was trying to help someone I’d just met try to quit smoking, and deal with all of the cravings and mood swings that are associated with it. But I wanted him to quit…to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have starting dating him if he had continued to smoke.

Fast forward a year. Today is our anniversary, we moved in together a couple of months ago, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But for a while now, he’s been smoking again at random intervals — most often, when he goes out with his friends and has a beer, or when we get in a fight and he needs to “cool down.” I knew that this was happening, and didn’t like it. I warned him that soon enough, he would come to rely on these regular “smoking breaks.” But at most it was a once-a-week thing, and as he pointed out numerous times, it’s his business, whether I like it or not.

Well, about a week ago, he finally made the leap from smoking occasionally to smoking daily again. We’ve spent that last week in horrible arguments — I’ve gotten SO upset over the issue, and he’s gotten incredible angry with me as well. He says I’m trying to control him and that he has to handle this on his own, because the last time, he quit BECAUSE of me, and it obviously wasn’t a permanent fix. He says he needs to come to terms with the situation and find his own reasons for quitting. But all the time he’s saying that, he’s continuing to smoke.

Despite my promises to let him deal with this on his own, I’m still having a very hard time with this. Every time I smell smoke on his breath, I get upset. He goes “on drives” three or four times a day now, and I know what he’s doing, and it depresses me. It’s gotten to the point that I feel upset almost all the time because of this situation, and I’m really having to bite my tongue not to say anything. I feel like I’m nearing my wits’ end — I can’t stand the smoking, but I also love my boyfriend. If I am totally honest with myself, I have to admit that I can’t see staying with him if he chooses to smoke forever…and that makes me feel wrong, like if I truly loved him, it shouldn’t matter. But his smoking does affect, for example, our intimacy. I don’t want to go anywhere near him when I can smell the smoke on his breath. And I don’t know how to get over that.

Do you have any advice? I really do want to get over this, even if he doesn’t quit right away…or ever. I want to learn to be more supportive, but even though that desire is strong, my emotions keep taking over in the moment. And I don’t want my feelings to cause more fights, or to end the relationship. Help.

Love the man, hate the tobacco

Dear Tobacco,

Oh, boy — the age-old “non-smoker dating a smoker” question.You feel like he doesn’t respect your feelings on the issue, he resents you telling him how to live — not fun.

You don’t have to “get over” it if you don’t want to; you had a clear policy on smoking, which he chose to fall in line with at the start.Probably a bad call on his part, looking back on it, but he did choose to quit of his own volition and it’s not necessarily “fair” that he’s changing the terms now…but on the other hand, if it’s that important to you that he not smoke, you need to make that clear and back it up.He quits or you break up.

If it’s more important to you to be with him than to be with A Non-Smoker, though, you will have to find a way to live with it, and that means not nagging him about it, not expressing pointed disappointment when he comes in smelling of smoke, not wondering hopefully around New Year’s if he’s going to quit this year — not acting like his mom, in other words, because believe me when I tell you, that routine does not work.

It’s not that you don’t have a right to get upset about it; you do, and you don’t have to “support” him in it, because, you know, it’s a filthy habit.But if you’ve turned it into a quorum on whether he respects your feelings…you probably shouldn’t do that, because it’s not usually about that.If you do think it’s about that, you should give him an ultimatum, but think about what you really want before you do that.

Hey Sars,

First, some background. My dad works at a large manufacturing plant. Due to a nifty little nepotism policy, college-student children of mill employees are hired during the summer as temporary help. This way, the mill has extra bodies to cover employee vacations, the kids make a truckload of money, and everybody’s happy. I did this my first two summers after high school and really enjoyed it. Oh hell, the company bought me a pair of Docs and let me drive heavy equipment — it was a blast.

Now fast-forward about a decade. Eighteen months ago I decided to change careers, which meant going back to college for a new degree. My dad pointed out that technically I still had two years of eligibility at the mill and could apply for summer work if I was interested. Um, yes! So here I am, back at the mill and officially the World’s Oldest Summer Hire Ever (TM). Last summer I worked in a quiet little corner and everything was great. This summer I was moved to the packaging department — a.k.a. the kindergarten. Oops.

At first it wasn’t too bad. My sister-in-law also works over here and the crew we work with is usually a lot of fun. A few of the other summer hires get on my nerves — this is a mill, not a Britney Spears concert, and I don’t want to see your thong, thanks — but mostly they are a good group of kids. As the WOSHE, I have sort of become their den mother. They have nicknamed me “the RA” and I now have a healthy side business as a counselor for troubled teens.

About two weeks ago one of the summer girls, “Amy,” told me in passing that a few of the guys make her uncomfortable. I quizzed her about it and determined that nothing serious had happened — mostly a general feeling of “ick, they are old and stare at me.” I remember the shock of suddenly being 18 and female in an almost all-male, adult environment and I tried to give her my best advice — be professional, do your job, and if anything else bothers you, tell someone. Great advice, I should probably take it.

See, there is this guy. I’ll call him “Bozo,” because he’s a clown — literally, it’s his family business. Bozo is a big bear of a guy. He’s fun. He’s outgoing. Hell, he’s a clown. He’s also medicated (for everything from ADD to depression, which he will tell you all about in detail if you ask). He craves attention and pouts when his feelings are (easily) hurt. He is also a lead operator for our department, which means he’s unofficially in charge of his crew. And he likes to hug.

I have always found the hugging annoying. I am not a hugger. Yet I never said anything, because it’s Bozo — he taught me to make balloon animals and plays Santa at Christmas. He’s harmless. I know it’s not sexual. It’s his insecurity and need to be seen as everyone’s friend. But. It’s every day I see him. He will run over from 50 feet away, just to give me my morning hug. If I try to sneak by him he hollers out to me. (Shit, it actually has me trying to sneak by him.) And actually it’s not friendly, because it’s not about me. It’s about his insecurity, which is why he gets defensive when called on it.

I should have just said something to him — and ironically if he were more of an asshole I would have — but I didn’t want to put up with the pouting and bitchiness that was sure to follow. Plus, Bozo is not normally on my crew, so I usually see him only a few minutes a day or not at all. I only have five weeks left before I leave this mill forever, and I would probably have just let it go, except for two things. One, I had a job a few years ago where some inappropriate things went on, but I didn’t say anything at the time. I still kick myself about it and I vowed never to put up with that shit again. Two, Bozo was one of the guys mentioned by Amy.

Now it gets more complicated. I asked my dad for his advice. Mistake. My dad went a little ballistic. It turns out that this is not the first time Bozo has caused problems. My dad knows of at least two other times that Bozo has been talked to by his boss. In fact, one of those times was because of my dad. I love my father, but he has serious homophobia issues, and in his world men Do Not Hug other men. So when Bozo (an equal-opportunity harasser) started hugging him, Pop told him to step off. But Bozo kept doing it. My father threatened him. Bozo did it again, and Pop doubled him over. Assault and harassment charges were threatened. The bosses sweated. Finally everyone agreed to leave each other alone. Except, oops, now it’s his daughter. Pop is not known for his finesse or calm personality; he would quite likely cause the mother of all shitstorms. I think I have persuaded him to let me handle it, but who knows.

My sister-in-law, on the other hand, thinks I should leave it alone. She is friends with this guy and doesn’t think it’s worth all the trouble it would cause, especially when I have such a short time left. Part of me feels this way too. The hugging is just annoying, not uncomfortable or threatening. And yes, he has absolutely no right to touch me, but I Do Not want to see him fired either. Except, now I know he has been asked and then told not to do it by others and still does it. The fact that he seems unable to take no for an answer does make me uncomfortable. And the fact that he does it in full view of my fellow employees and the bosses and nobody says anything — well, that just flat-out pisses me off. I finally mentioned something to my boss about it, but judging from his reaction nothing much will come of it.

I KNOW I shouldn’t put up with this. No matter how nice the guy is, it’s harassment and it’s wrong. But if I’m honest, I way more pissed off because of his history and the general lack of action than I am about the actual hugging. I also know my judgment is clouded by other issues I am having with my union brethren right now. (Like having to work nine hours straight last week next to a 350-degree press without so much as a pee break because my union is too busy protecting us from drug testing to notice.) With the exception of my dad, everyone’s attitude to all my issues is “don’t rock the boat and mess it up for the people who have to work here all the time.” A valid point, except hello? These are my basic rights, and oh yeah — the summer hires are your freakin’ children, assholes! How can you let us be treated this way?

So, finally, here is my dilemma: What I REALLY want to do is go to the union meeting next week, officially demand all my dues back, and call them all a bunch of rat bastards for making me handle this all on my own. (Which will rock the boat with a capital R.) On the other hand, I only have a month left and my dad and sister-in-law have to work here when I’m gone. And though it shames me to admit it, part of me doesn’t want to be that woman — the angry, bitchy one, who yells sexual harassment solely on principle and only succeeds in making it harder for the other women who work there, even if she’s right.

I don’t want to let people walk over me, but I don’t want them to think I’m some whining bitch either, and ultimately neither solution is going to get me the back-up that I really wanted in the first place. Because for me, it was never really about the actual harassment, it was about us having to put up with the harassment in the first place. If that makes any sense.

What the hell do I do, Sars?

Actually, I’d prefer neither hugs nor drugs

Dear Neither,

First of all, you’re out of there in five weeks.Second of all, if it’s about trying to address something that happened to you in the past, you need to forgive yourself for that on your own and not bring that into the Bozo situation.Letting it go seems like the best idea here.

“It’s the principle” isn’t a bad reason, necessarily.Bozo annoys people, and it comes from an innocent place, but the fact is that he annoys people, management knows it, and he continues to do it without consequences — and if you were sticking around long-term, my advice would probably be to take a stand on it and let your family handle it as they see fit.

But it’s possible to split the difference, I think.Tell Bozo you just don’t like hugging and you’d appreciate it if he’d stop.If he makes a stink, he makes a stink, and you’ll handle that however you need to, but before you Norma Rae it up at your union meeting, start at the source.

Sars,

Background: I’m a twentysomething single straight gal
with many gay friends, both male and female; I am pro-same-sex marriage and generally a supporter of gay
rights.I recently had an experience that I’m hoping
you can shed a little light on.

I play in an adult
kickball league (yes, really) and there’s this guy,
“Alex,” on one of the other teams who I’ve flirted
with a bit, wanted to get to know better. Last game,
we played Alex’s team. In the middle of the game,
their pitcher got into an argument with a guy on our
team and made a comment that included the slur
“faggot.”The argument escalated a bit and a few
other players got involved, including Alex, who also
used that ugly word.A few of us called out from the
sidelines that it wasn’t a very nice thing to say,
people shut up, and the game continued.At the end of
the game when we shook hands with the other team, I
made a point to say to Alex, “Nice game — foul
language.”He immediately said “Yeah, I know.”

After the game, everyone gathered at a bar to
socialize. At one point, Alex came over to our team’s
table with a pitcher of beer as a “peace offering” and
proceeded to apologize, very sincerely, for what had
happened on the field.I later approached him and
thanked him for being the big man in that situation
(the guy who started it all never said a word to us).
The evening ended uneventfully.

I believe he meant his apology, as I think all was
uttered in the heat of the moment and that,
unfortunately, for a lot of guys that is an accepted
insult as much as “loser” or “jerk” might be.But I
don’t think that excuses the use of it, because it’s
an incredibly hurtful word for a lot of people, gay or
not.

My quandary is that I want to give Alex the
benefit of the doubt, and continue to try to get to
know him, but I don’t know if that’s really the right
(or smart) thing to do.The whole incident was
horrifying, and I’m sure any of my gay friends would
have been incredibly offended by it. Plus, he could be
a real homophobe who can just charm his way out of
trouble, and I’d hate to waste my time on him if he is
a jerk and I could have spotted that from the
beginning.Do you have any thoughts?

Confused by the childish games

Dear Games,

It’s a question of context, I think.Sometimes people do jerky things that don’t reflect their actual level of jerkiness, so there’s that — and there’s also the fact that, as you point out, some straight guys don’t really treat homophobic language with the same seriousness that they do, say, racist language.That is to say, they don’t feel negatively towards gay people, and yet they need it pointed out to them that they shouldn’t use words like “faggot” as insults.

But that’s not an excuse — and, you know, a lot of straight guys don’t need that pointed out to them, because duh.Alex is probably just behind the times with this stuff and not actually anti-gay, but I don’t know if that’s a guy you want to date either.

Sars,

I was reading over old Vines when I came across one about a girl who had a lump on her genital area. This made me feel extremely ill, because as luck would have it I discovered the exact same thing on myself about a week ago. I am 13, female, and a virgin. I’ve never even kissed anyone.

What should I do? I don’t want to see a gynecologist because

a) That would involve telling my mother, who would be one of the very worst people to talk to about this. She’s not good at talking about sex, plus I know she would tell my older sister J, and possibly the rest of my family, too (Mum told J when I started my period, even though I asked her not to).

b) The thought of somebody examining that part of my anatomy makes me feel ill. I’m only 13; I’m practically a child. I know I would feel completely violated.

If you think I really should see a gynecologist, I will, but I’m hoping you’ll say it’s probably just a blister (by the way, it won’t be an ingrowing hair because I don’t shave).

Any help you can give me will be very much appreciated.

Signed,
Terrified

Dear Terrified,

I know it’s scary and awful, but I do think you should go to a GYN and get it checked out, because I think you’ll feel better knowing what’s going on with your body.

If you really don’t want to involve your mom, investigate Planned Parenthood or a similar clinic in your area — but if that doesn’t work out, you’ll need to ask your mom to take you to the doctor.(Not your pediatrician, if you still go to one; even for general check-ups and stuff, it’s probably time for you to switch to a doc who specializes in adolescent medicine, and you could take this problem to a doctor like that initially.)

The good news is that, because you’ve had no sexual contact, it’s probably something innocent like a blocked gland — and a GYN may be able to diagnose that without doing an entire pelvic exam.The good news is also that, while pelvic exams aren’t the most fun thing in the world, they don’t last very long, and they’re a lot worse to contemplate when you’ve never had one, so if you do have to have one, at least you’ll have gotten that “first” over with and you won’t have to dread it quite so much anymore.

Again, I know it’s terrifying, but part of what’s scaring you is that you’ve never had to deal with any of this before.Call a clinic, talk to your mom — arm yourself with some information and try to get the lump dealt with.It’s not going to be fun, but it’s not going to be as wretched as you think, either.Good luck.

[12/30/03]

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