The Vine: August 20, 2008
Hi Sars,
I’m thinking about getting a tattoo, and I’d like your advice on whether my reasoning is sound or I’m fooling myself as to what it’d really mean (which, in certain moods, I sometimes suspect).
My last relationship was as intense as probably any can be, which had its good sides and its bad sides. I’ve been in a new, wonderful relationship for a while now, and it’s everything I’ve ever thought a relationship should be.We obviously have a long future, and my feelings for him grow all the time.
The thing is, I’d like to get a tattoo for the last relationship.Without question, it was the most monumental thing that’s ever happened to me.While my current relationship and many other things in my life have been amazing and meaningful, my last relationship was different — the difference between a wild ride in car and actually being hit by one.Again, both bad and good — I’ve never felt more deeply or been so undone, and it hurt like hell.
While I wouldn’t ordinarily go for tattoos, I want one for this.I just feel as if it’s insane that such a big thing could happen to me, and I’d come through it exactly the same as I was before.It should have left a mark or a scar or something.
The way I feel about my ex (with whom I’m in rare contact) changes slightly with my mood, but I generally think I’ll love him (or at least the memory of him) in a very strange way forever.I don’t feel as if this doesn’t make sense, given what he meant to me, and I don’t think it gets in the way of my current relationship.
However, if I’m apart from my current boyfriend and a bit low for whatever reason, my feelings on the matter feel less settled.I guess that’s planted some doubt in my head about my real motives for the tattoo.
Do you think the tattoo would be unhealthy or that I’d regret it?
America’s Next Top Model Is On Mute As I Write This
Dear Mute,
I…wouldn’t.You say yourself you sometimes have doubts about the idea, which ideally you shouldn’t when undergoing a permanent alteration to your appearance, and getting tats based on relationships is, in my opinion, a mistake, regardless of your attitude towards the relationship in question (see: “Wino Forever”).Feelings evolve.I’ve had a couple of guys I felt lucky to survive in retrospect, but had I commemorated the fact at the time, or even a year later, in tattoo ink, I’d regret it now, because I just don’t care that much anymore.
It’s overwrought, a little.Get a tattoo that’s about you, things that you are, not about someone who happened to you.
Sars,
So, it’s about a boy, duh.But also a girl who for a while was a very good friend.Ugh.I’ll try to keep this to the important details.The girl, let’s say “Sasha.”She was the kind of friend where you email silly links when you’re bored at work, see crappy horror movies just to make fun of them and lie around on the couch with hungover Sunday mornings after you crashed on her couch because she lived closer to the bars than you did.The kind where her housemate and your housemate end up hooking up, and she’s slept with one of your best guy friends.
The boy in question, “Jason,” was her friend.He’d be around for some of that fun.The movies, the mornings.Pizza and beer at the hole-in-the-wall bar that no one outside of your little neighborhood knew existed.
Sasha decides to leave town because she’s bored with her job and felt like she’d been in our smallish town long enough.The last month she was in town she had a series of going-away parties where both Jason and I end up getting pretty drunk, and hooking up. I don’t bring this fact up to anyone because it’s not really my style to kiss, sober or not, and tell.He doesn’t as well for what I assume are generally the same reasons. At the time I was thinking to myself “this is kinda fun, but too bad Sasha’s leaving because I’m never gonna get drunk with Jason when she’s gone.” He does live in my neighborhood, and we’re involved in the same running club, but when Sasha wasn’t around we pretty much never hung out.
Of course I wouldn’t be emailing you if it ended there; about 6 months ago, the last night she was in town after a week of crying while shipping boxes in the Fed Ex store,and a weekend of hitting every bar she was gonna miss, and total lack of sleep she found out Jason and I had been doing the no-pants dance.Oh my god it was horrible.She freaked the fuck out.I can’t even describe it.Screaming, crying, throwing things in a bar, calling people and yelling, but not really in English because she’d had so much to drink.
I was fairly stunned, but thanks to my crazy family am pretty used to seeing temper tantrums I don’t understand. I figured the real story was although she wanted to leave, she was freaked out about leaving, and that’s what I was witnessing.I was way, way off.
The next morning when she was calmed down I learned that Jason was the unrequited love of her life, they used to have sex, he was never into her, she never got over him, and they had been trying to be friends again.She was sorry for freaking out the night before, and even said that if I was into him I should go for it, and she’d be happy for me.
Against a small inner voice I kept hanging out with Jason but at first as a drunk-sex kind of thing.I found out he had a bit of a history of girls he was friends with deciding they were in love, throwing themselves at him and then being mad when he didn’t feel the same way.All of them also continued to sleep with him after he made it clear he wasn’t into them in a romantic way.I figured, whatever, he’s not really my friend, I know what I’m getting into and it’s about sex anyway.Sigh.
Then he was the one who wanted to take me out to breakfast in the morning, who wanted to go out to dinner, to come over and watch Lost, to stay over in the middle of the week, and then to pretty much spend every weekend together.At first I did a really good job of not being attached, but I figured, who acts like that if they are just your fuck buddy?His house mates were taking me aside and being all “Holy crap we’ve been living with Jason for 5 years and we’ve never seen him have a girl spend the night in the middle of the week.Are you guys super serious, or what?”He’d get really drunk and say all kinds of sweet things you’d want to hear.That sounds bad, but referring back to my crazy family it’s the kind of affection I’m used to receiving.
Throughout all of this Sasha ignored my attempts at maintaining our friendship.I’d call to chat, she wouldn’t pick up, and then she’d email me 3 days later, a one-line kind of thing. No more funny links in my email, no more calling to spend an hour talking about how awful The Mist was.
Until of course the day a couple of weeks ago, he said “oh, I’m not really into this anymore.”You know, out of the blue.And “I still want to be your friend”and a bunch of other stuff.I was sad of course, no one likes being rejected.Of course there’s the moments of “did he just act like that to win me over because I wasn’t throwing myself at him?” I didn’t know if I wanted to be his friend because I never was in the first place, but I was dreading some awkward moments in my future.
The first was a week later when I ran into his housemate, who went “Oh, dude, where’s Jason”(Cue my house mate going “AWK-WARD” at the top of her voice.) Then the next night when he was out with his friends at our local and tiny-to-the-point-where-it’s-hard-to-avoid-someone bar.Housemate and I headed to the pool table and chilled with the off-duty bartenders and had a great time.I got an email from him about how sorry he was that I felt like I had to hide in the back of the bar, and next time I could sit in the front and he could be by the pool table.Total “I’m feeling like a douche so I’ll send this out and feel better about myself, but not think that it will make you sad because not only did I dump your ass, but I’m such a nice guy” maneuver.I wanted to respond “dude, not a cool email to send out for reasons x, y, and z and I did have a good time and fuck off,”but I settled for “leave me alone”.
I just want to, like, ignore each other like rational adults until I didn’t feel bad about the situation any more.I totally get the “90 days no contact” rule, but it’s hard when he lives like, 4 streets away. I also don’t want to not do things because he might be there, which clearly lead me to the most awkward of days.
The running club does an annual pub crawl. It’s costume, silly, supposed to be secret and a ton of fun.I knew he was going, and I wanted to anyway.There’s typically about 100 people who show up so no reason to talk to the one person you don’t want to.He shows up and right away plants himself behind the person I’m talking to.Tries desperately to make eye contact with me.I turn around and talk to a different group of people. A few bars later I’m talking to someone who’s more his friend then mine and I realize he’s literally 4 inches to the right of me.Ignore ignore ignore. Later everyone I’m with is all “dude, Jason is like, staring holes in the back of your head.” Until of course the point where he’s standing about 3 inches behind me and a girl I know (not well) tries to introduce us.At which point I snapped as much as I ever do in public and said “Yeah,I know him.And we’re not friends.We’re just not friends.”Then I walked away.I mean…Christ dude give me some space. You dumped me.The girl comes up to me later and goes “Oh sorry for that, I didn’t know you used to hook up.”Ugh, awesome. And did I mention he’s 30?Not 17.
Anyway, that was a week ago.This morning I get an email from Sasha.”Hey, I’ll be in town last week of August.Is it still cool if I stay on your couch?””Oy” doesn’t even cut it.The thing is, I want her to.I miss being her friend.As much as I don’t feel like I did anything shady (feel free to correct me on that), because you can’t call dibs on a dude when you’re not 11 and because she never told me anything until after she was already mad, I know I had some part in her hurt feelings.
But this creates a number of potentially awkward situations, which is why I’m writing.How do I keep it to a minimum?Clearly, the Jason story?Does not need to be discussed.I’ll tell her to ask him whatever she wants to know.(Unless there’s a better response.)But knowing her, she’ll want to hang out with him too.I don’t want him at my house.I don’t know if I want to see him.Part of me feels like if we all hang out together her presence will stop him from trying to invade my personal space.Part of me feels like that’s wishful thinking.
Should I just not hang out with him?If I decide to, and he starts making eyes at me again, can I just leave? Please help me out here.I haven’t been in this level of drama since…well, ever really.I’m not the “steal your boyfriend” kind of girl, I’m not the kind of person who stops being your friend when you move out of state.The biggest drama in my life before all that was trying to get our landlord to fix the leak in the sink.
Pretty much all I’m hoping for is that I end up friends with Sasha, and that things are unawkward enough with Jason so that I can walk into my neighborhood bar and have a beer without caring if he’s at the table next to me.Or go to a party he’s at and not dread interactions.Is that a total pipe dream?
What do I do?
All this and the Gossip Girl wardrobe people still aren’t helping me get dressed in the mornings
Dear Wardrobe,
You can probably end up friends with Sasha, and you can probably go down to your local and have a comfortable beer eventually; neither of these things is going to happen in the short term, and it’s time for you all to accept that and live your lives accordingly.
Jason is that guy who, because he never made you any promises explicitly, expects to come and go as he pleases in your life with no consequences.He feels bad that he hurt your feelings, but it’s mostly because 1) it might mean he’s insensitive and not a good guy, and 2) it definitely means it’s uncomfortable between the two of you.He’s sorry you feel that way, in other words.That’s his tough, but this isn’t about teaching him a lesson; it’s the opposite of that, because guys like that don’t learn from anything you do.You can’t teach him that hurting your feelings has consequences he has to live with, and you shouldn’t bother trying.
You need to do what works for you in the situation, and I think what works in a general sense is devoting as little time to managing Jason as possible.He doesn’t get it, so do whatever takes the least effort.And if he’s still doing that thing where he lurks around at the edge of your vision, either ignore him, greet him coolly and move somewhere else, or skip the bar if you know he’s going that night, but don’t make it about him Finally Figuring It Out.Won’t happen.Do for yourself; who cares what he thinks.
As far as Sasha goes: same deal.Tell her you really can’t have her stay right now, you’re sorry; if she wants to know why, you can get into it or not, but if you do, speak directly: “I’m sorry I got mixed up with Jason, but I did, and the fact is, I just can’t go back to that place right now.Maybe next time.”She may get angry or accuse you of putting him first, but however she reacts, keep in mind the same thing that Jason can’t: sometimes we do things because we feel a certain way, and other people don’t like those things, but you made the choice for a reason and now you just have to ride it out.
Put these people away from you for a few months.Everyone in the situation wants things to go “back to normal”; everyone in the situation needs to get that that’s not realistic, and step back for a while, including you.
Hi, Sars —
I work in a smallish department of a midsize company — there’s just my boss, then three of us managers, then three assistants. We all get along…on the surface. But there is one manager who is driving everyone nuts, the situation is escalating, and I’m not sure if I should try to do anything to help/fix it.
Trying to nutshell it: the manager in question (MIQ) is young and fairly inexperienced — this was her first job out of college (maybe first job ever) and she worked her way up from assistant to manager. Not sure how that happened (it took place before I got to the company) because while she is nice (well, to some people) she is not very sharp and kind of hapless and has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement — basically she screws up a lot and does the minimum and isn’t very good at her job in visible ways that make the whole department look bad.
She also is kind of bossy and rude to the three assistants, which is very hard for them to take since they can all see that they are smarter/better at their jobs than she is.
The big boss (BB) of all of us is a cool boss in general, but for some reason she cannot deal with MIQ. She KNOWS that MIQ is a screw-up, she has openly acknowledged that to me and the other manager, and recently she basically demoted MIQ by taking away some major responsibilities and relegating her to a minor role in the department (although not changing her title or cutting her pay). But she will not confront or coach MIQ about any of the stuff — she doesn’t yell at her when she screws up, there are no consequences really, and when MIQ asks if everything’s okay (like when she got demoted) BB just says “oh yeah, everything’s fine, you’re doing great, we just need to change things up.”
It’s ridiculous. I think BB just doesn’t like confrontation and doesn’t want to deal with actually saying to MIQ — “you are doing X and Y and Z wrong, so shape up, or you’re going to get shipped out.” And while MIQ can be infuriating, I actually kind of can’t blame her because she doesn’t know any better — having never had another job and never getting busted on stuff in this one, why would she act better? This is the way she thinks she needs to act, right?
So, basically, it’s none of my business but it is affecting morale in the department — the assistants can’t stand her and they gripe among themselves (loud enough for me and the other manager to hear) about her constantly, the other manager is kind of getting obsessed by how MIQ gets away with stuff all the time, and meanwhile MIQ is pissed at BB about the demotion and sort of causing this undercurrent of tension in our staff meetings and stuff. Ugh, what a mess.
I sort of want to talk to BB and say, “Hey, I know you don’t like dealing with this stuff, but it IS your job to help your direct reports if they don’t know what they’re doing, at LEAST by giving them honest feedback and direction, so can you please be honest with MIQ and tell her what’s up and give her a chance to improve? And by the way tell her to stop being such a bitchface to the assistants?”
But BB is my boss too and obviously she is a bit hard to read (she always tells me I’m doing a great job, too, whatever the hell that means), so I feel nervous about approaching her with this kind of bluntness, although she does SEEM to respect my opinions on other matters. (And FWIW, I AM good at my job; having had other jobs I know how to objectively judge this.)
Or maybe I should try talking to MIQ directly and saying, “Hey, I know you mean well, and BB always says everything’s fine, but clearly things aren’t fine, so here’s some advice about how you can be better at your job and stop being demoted and also not have all the assistants hate you.”
Or maybe this is just going to blow up in my face if I do anything, so I should just sit tight and ride it out. Probably that’s it, right? But I am maybe the only person in the department who is not completely emotionally wrapped up in this — and I feel like I’m the only one who can see clearly what’s happening and what needs to happen to fix it, so sitting on my hands is frustrating and makes me feel like a coward.
Help? Thanks,
Work drama sucks
Dear Drama,
Take a meeting with BB and tell her, with whatever diplomatic edits you deem appropriate, everything you say in the paragraph that starts out “basically, it’s none of my business.”Because it is your business if it’s creating tension that affects your ability to do your job.You can issue a bunch of disclaimers about how this is just what you observe and you don’t want to presume, blah blah, but you wanted it brought to BB’s attention, and then list the problems MIQ is having/causing.
Then just sit there.I mean, obviously it’s already been brought to BB’s attention; she’s just declining to do anything about it, so you need to say your piece and then resist the urge to bail her out.You have to let her talk long enough to promise to deal with it, in other words, because if you jump in to say you understand, or you don’t mean to put more on her plate, or anything else that gives her opening, she’ll take it, it sounds like.So, give her the problem, and then let her feel uncomfortable enough with the conversation to go on the record with you that she’ll take action.
Although that strategy works surprisingly often, it doesn’t always, so at the very least, you need to get her to agree that she will intercede with MIQ re: the assistants, because that situation is not going to fix itself and you don’t want the job of Switzerland there.
It may become clear that BB just isn’t going to deal with MIQ, so if that’s the case, try to get her to say that the rest of you can handle MIQ how you see fit without fear of repercussions — i.e. you’re cleared to yank MIQ aside and say, “You’ll do as you like, but I’d advise you to get your shit together in the following X ways,” so that if MIQ tattles, you don’t pay for it — but failing that, ask MIQ to treat the assistants more nicely and then tell everyone you no longer want to deal with MIQ.She fucks up, it gets reported directly to BB; you’re done.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships health and beauty workplace
My workplace has similar situations, Drama. We’ve had an incompetent coworker there for the last few months that our supervisors were directly told to fire (by the owner of the company!) and she’s STILL THERE. She basically keeps screwing up on really elemental tenants of the job that she was thoroughly trained in, and is one of those annoying complainers that you can feel draining your energy if you sit next to her. But my supervisors are so invested in being everyones’ friend (and they are very nice) that she has no idea how she’s perceived in the workplace.
And one of my huge pet peeves? The whole “you’re doing great! Except you’re totally terrible! But I won’t tell you that part!” so-called feedback Sucky Co-Worker is getting. I had a job once where I was told five different procedures for every task by five different people, was told to “look in the manual” for the correct way to do things when I asked for clarification (the manual was outdated by at least five years) and kept being told that I was “doing great” right up until the day they fired me for not catching on fast enough. Sucky Co-Worker is not being done any favors by BB. She’s just learning bad habits that will damage her career prospects for years to come.
Sars, I think you’re right on with the tattoo advice to Mute. My rule of thumb is that I have to want a tattoo for six months before I get it. Six months is only a fraction of our lives, of course, but it’s long enough to know it’s more than a whim. Plus, it’s about how long it takes me to save about $150! Sounds like by six months Mute would be ready to move on from the tattoo idea.
And I only have three tats now, two I’ve had two of those over 10 years and am still very happy with them. As you said, Sars, they’re about me and not other people. (I’m also very happy with the third but I’ve had it less than a year. Also, never stops being funny telling people it’s my grandmother’s china pattern, which it is!)
Has Work Drama Sucks tried giving MIQ feedback? And by feedback, I do NOT mean providing her a litany of everything she’s doing wrong. That will just create a wall of defensiveness that will never be scaled. Perhaps WDS could pull MIQ aside after a specific incident, and in a very nonthreatening way give MIQ some advice on how MIQ could approach the situation differently or be more effective.
I don’t know WDS’s work environment, but I do think it is everyone’s responsibility to provide feedback regardless if they are the BB or not. Granted, giving good feedback is an art, but not giving any feedback is a disservice to your office.
I hate all that for you, Drama. It’s always been my impression (never having been a manager) that part of the job description involves cowboying up and doing the hard stuff, like calling people on their BS. “Managers” who don’t do that, because they’re afraid of hurting people’s feelings, aren’t fit to be managers. Heavy the head that wears the crown, and all that.
I’m wondering if there isn’t an out-of-department person to whom Work Drama can apply for help. Does that company have HR who can go to BB and/or MIQ and work on things? I’d consider that option if available.
Otherwise, it’s often dicey to tell a superior that the job they’re doing is bad; so few take it in the spirit of teamwork, and WD might end up paying the price of whistleblowers. So if you’re gonna meet with BB, make sure that whatever comments you make are completely ‘this all is interfering with me and my subordinates getting our jobs done in ways X, Y, and Z’ and not ‘MIQ sucks; you should fix it.’
I feel for poor Wardrobe. I had a boy like that once. He didn’t want me, but he sure didn’t like it if I treated his rejection like a rejection instead of like a present. Sars is right — take care of you; let the others shift for themselves for a while.
Oh boy, Drama, does your story ring with me. My former boss did not have the cojones to demote a “manager,” and it led to a two-year demoralizing epidemic of ill-defined roles and goals before a higher up stepped in and “restructured.” Not to be too much of a hardass, but why are people’s feelings being put before being competent? Is this some kinda touchy-feely thing I missed in training? Our bosses should not want to be our friends…
To Top Model: Many years ago, I ended a relationship that was both pivotal in my life and an excruciating lesson in the depths of heartache. I wanted to somehow mark that I made it through, that I was a different person, and that I had discovered some heretofore unknown reserves of strength. But I also knew that a >permanent< bodily reminder of the boy might not be so lovely 15 years down the road. So instead of a tat, I got a belly ring. It served as a rite of passage of sorts, and then when I was tired of it, I removed it and now I just have a tiny scar that remains a subtle reminder of a tough time that brought out the best in me.
Just a thought – it’s human nature to want to memorialize important seasons in our lives, but those gestures don’t have to be permanent to work.
Get a tattoo for yourself, about yourself. I got one (thankfully, small) about someone else, and ended up having it covered with another tattoo a few years later.
To Mute:
I used to have dramatic thoughts like that about my high school boyfriend – “A part of me will ALWAYS love him!!!!”. Now, many years later, mmm, not so much. I don’t feel anything about him. He’s just in my past.
Don’t get a tattoo. Let him fade into your past. Trust me, if your experience with him was really revelatory for you, you’ll still have the lessons you learned up there in your brain – there’s no need to put them on your skin as a reminder.
The tattoo for the failed relationship is a bad idea. You’re not trying to get to the point where you carry this relationship around as a current issue in your life all the time, only it’s a great and strengthening current issue. As Sarah pointed out, you’re trying to get to where you don’t think about it that much. Why would the next guy in your life want to look at Last Guy Memorial Tattoo all the time? I know it seems like a way of getting over it to you, but I’m just saying, from the outside, it seems like a way of making sure you DON’T get over it; that it remains something that can keep you company forever. That even as an ended relationship, it remains an ACTIVE relationship. I would, frankly, counsel against that. I’m not saying you’ll ever forget the guy by not getting the tattoo, but…don’t do this.
As for Jason and Sasha, you simply have to stop being willing to indulge other people’s drama. You slept with the dude; he broke it off. You don’t have to move anywhere. You can sit wherever in the bar you want. If he’s there, you can ignore him. He doesn’t have the right to have you go away. How he feels is not your problem. What’s liberating is realizing that you can IGNORE BULLSHIT. You can not react to it.
If you want to have your friend to your house, invite her over, and tell her, “Just so you know, Jason and I don’t spend time together these days, so if you want to hang out with him, it should be somewhere else.” And if she begs for details, tell her it’s between the two of you. Will it be uncomfortable? Yes, for ten seconds, which is why you then change the subject.
If he makes eyes at you, don’t look at him. Or look at him, give a casually acknowledging smile, and return to YOUR LIFE. I’m telling you, ignoring bullshit is your greatest survival skill, and you’ve just got to start using it more.
To Mute:
This is the advice my father (who has a tattoo and several piercings) gave me when I first started wanting a tattoo: Wait a year. Know what you want tattooed, where you want it tattooed (my advice? somewhere that won’t stretch over the years). Think about it often. If it feels as if it’s already under your skin at the end of the year, you might as well put it on the outside of your skin.
When I first wanted a tattoo, I wanted it for the same reasons you did — I had just been through a difficult time, and I wanted something to show for it. I didn’t really know what I wanted tattooed, though, and after a year, my need for a tattoo faded. Later, though, totally unexpectedly, I found something that I *did* really want a tattoo of, something that felt really right, and I waited, and then I did it. I’m still happy with it. It feels as if it were always there.
Agree with everyone that a tattoo for a failed relationship is not a good long-term plan. I also usually advise people that you should do nothing permanent in the 6 months after a break up unless you absolutely have to — usually there is some impaired thinking in the process.
I want to agree with all the statements about getting a tattoo for a relationship, and add another suggestion. An ex of mine, with several tattoos of her own, makes this suggestion to people (especially young people) who are interested in getting one. She tells them to draw what they want on their body, where they want it, every day for six months. No days off. That gives you a chance to realize what it is going to look like with all kinds of clothes, all kinds of events, all kinds of people, all kinds of moods.
And then if you still want it, she’ll drive you there herself.
I think it was Axl Rose who advised that you should think about a tattoo for a year. Put a picture of it up on your bathroom mirror and if it still means something to you twelve months later, then you get a tattoo. And if even Axl is advocating prudence, I think that’s probably worth considering….
My tattoo is a memorial of my late sister, though to a casual observer, it’s a nice crescent moon and stars. My sister had already been dead 14 years when I got the tattoo (and I was over 40, too). So, I got my tattoo for myself, even if it’s not about myself. “Mute” should follow Sars’ sage advice and wait, as I strongly feel she’d come to regret it.
“Wardrobe,” keep living your life, and as Linda notes above “ignoring bullshit is your greatest survival skill.”
I agree with all the tattoo comments, but I’m going to add a bit of a twist on it. After my last really bad breakup I decided I wanted something to symbolize the lessons of all relationships, and somehow tie it to my heritage. I decided on the gaelic ring of truth, with the gaelic words for love and pain intertwined inside it. While I came up with it following one breakup in particular, I really feel as though it is something that is a life lesson, something that can only be learned through the power and heartbreak following an intense relationship – you can only feel and appreciate the intensity of one if you’ve felt and appreciated the intensity of the other: in essence, the two cannot exist on their own; rather, for true love to succeed one needs to have felt true pain and heartbreak. I came up with this design almost five years ago, and am counting the days until I can get it inked.
Mute: I know your craving for a tattoo – I want one to cover some physical scars that symbolize some pretty painful physical and emotional memories. Unfortunately, I can’t get tattooed because of health issue.
What I did that might work for you is this – I went to a tattoo artist and commissioned him to draw the tattoo I wanted, at the size I wanted it, and to paint it just he would have colored it.
I’ve framed it, and put it in my bathroom, which is the only place that has a mirror where I would be able to see the tattoo. When I see the scars in the mirror – when I would want to see the tattoo that reminds me that I went through something awful but came out okish in the end – all I have to do is look over on the wall and there it is.
Everyone else thinks I just have a very cool piece of artwork. And if I ever heal to the point where I can get the tattoo I have the artist and the stencil ready to go. This way you can start the process, but take the time everyone else is recommending to be sure this is a piece you want with you for the rest of your life.
I was desperate to get a tattoo after a near death experience. I thought that it would be a good way of keeping it a part of me and reminding myself I could survive anything.
Fortunately, I had a friend who had hear Holly’s advice before and insisted I draw the tat on myself and wear it for a week. Even though the tattoo was small and discreet (on my foot), about 1 million people asked me what it was, why I got it, etc. I got SO sick of telling the story. Thinking about the elevator version you will have to give strangers, a lot of people are really nosy and do not take the hint that it is personal. I couldn’t get that thing off me fast enough.
I’m just saying, no matter how meaningful and personal something is, when it is on your body people assume that it is a topic of conversation. How many times are you going to want to tell that story?
Mute – don’t do it. How would you feel if your current guy got a tat to commemorate a former flame? Also, don’t ever forget that it’s forever. I seemed to have forgotten that and have spent the last 2+ years and over $2k having mine removed. It’s extremely painful.
I used to shave my head after breakups. I’m a cute bald lady, I’ve found. But my hair is pretty long these days which is a sure sign that things are going all right.
Don’t do anything permanent just now. As others have said, a year from now it might not be any big thing, even though it feels HUGE now. Try something less permanent like a piercing or head-shaving. Or plant a tree. Or learn a new skill to commemorate your newfound strength. Just… the tattoo is a bad idea while the wounds are still fresh.
Mute:
I’m going to second what Sarah in LA said. Five years ago I had one of those intense short-lived relationships with someone who, at the time, had become someone I truly thought I couldn’t live without. I was miserable for about three months after (longer than the relationship lasted…it’s all very embarrassing now, but you know, what can you do?) and for about a year after thought that part of me would always love her, but I could accept not having her in my life.
Turns out…not so much. I just plain old don’t think about her any more. She tried to reconnect with me as friends not long ago (her husband, the person she left me for, did as well) and while I replied to their emails, added them on my MySpace, etc, I just have no interest in that. They’re good people, and I genuinely wish them well, but beyond that, there’s really nothing there.
Wait a few years. If you still want the tattoo, consider it some more then. Don’t rush into it, because you may really regret it in the not-too-distant future.
I really enjoyed the “Wardrobe” letter – it was well written and really entertaining. Those dudes are so confusing, aren’t they, kinda like that certain type of cat that weaves in between your legs purring, only to hiss and run away when you try to return the affection.
@Reilly: Can you post a link to a Gaelic Ring of Truth design? It sounds awesome, but Google totally let me down.
@Drama: Your tale makes me think of working at Initech – that is, the huge corporation I worked for with exactly the same departmental bullshit. Unfortunately there was no curing it…. basically things get like that for a reason, and simple concepts like “efficiency” and “getting work done” usually have nothing to do with it. I hate to be negative, but be prepared for nothing to change. That said: Sars is right per usual. If any approach has a chance of breaking things loose in your department, that one should do it.
@BDanger – you bring up an interesting point that has me curious, so I hope you don’t mind me asking (or to anyone else who wants to chime in). If a person has tattoos in an obviously visible place, such as their foot or forearm, isn’t it, at least in part, because they want them to be seen by others? I think of visible tats not just as a personal thing but also a statement to the world of sorts. If a tattoo was deeply personal, and a person wanted its statement permanently on their body for deeply personal and private reasons, wouldn’t they get it in a place generally covered by clothing? Not that this excuses nosy busybodies not taking “it’s personal,†for an answer of course, but why not put it somewhere less visible?
I have no tattoos, but am fascinated by them, so I am really enjoying these comments. As for advice I have none that hasn’t already been given, so I’ll shut up now.
Gossip Girl – I have one major rule about guys: If they’re too charming, it means they’ve had too much practice. I’m not saying Jason was the overly charming type or anything like that, but if someone told me he had a pattern of behavior where he’d be with a girl for a while and then drop her, my immediate instinct would be, “I’m not here to stroke your ego or anything else so GET LOST.” But I’m hostile like that :). Why not be honest with Sasha about the whole thing? You want her friendship back… maybe both of you having been down the same road will help bring you back together? I don’t know, but I wish you all the best.
Drama, I’ve seen so many situations like this. I’ve always been the assistant, and even though we’re supposed to be support staff, we can be incredibly unsupportive (is that a word? I’m so tired right now) when someone treats us like dirt. Plus, I hate inept management. We’re dealing with something like that now, and it’s so aggravating to see a good worker being mistreated by two bottom-rung kids who apparently think work time is play time. I hope this works out for you!
@Cyntada – I’ve only found it on the interwebz once, years ago, but I do have a copy of it on my computer. If you want to drop me an email (Ashley.Quinn@gmail.com) I’d be happy to forward it to you.
@ Jem- I have no tattoos either and am glad I gave myself a trial run before committing. I thought it would be like a part of you. It wasn’t that I didn’t think people would see it or notice it, I just didn’t realize how many complete strangers would ask about it and how sick I would grow of telling the story. Maybe I’m too private of a person for a tattoo, but that turned me off.
I also have a crescent moon and stars tattoo! Mine’s on the inside of my left ankle. Despite it’s rather public placement, you’d be surprised how many people don’t notice it! I still like it (although on occasion I think how I’d tweak it) even though I didn’t really give it nearly enough thought – that whole “draw it on yourself” thing is excellent advice! And, to Jem, while my tat *is* visible and isn’t really all that personal necessarily, I do avoid explaining it to people. Frankly it’s rather, well, smurfy. So rather than telling people that it represents the cycle of rebirth and renewal (ugh, cringe), when someone asks if it means anything, I just say, “It means something to me!”
@ BDanger – I feel you on that. I got my second tattoo on my shoulder and what surprised me is how many people consider that area of skin public property. I don’t mind explaining my Dali clock melting off my shoulder, but can’t stand it when complete strangers feel that it’s okay to come up and TOUCH it without even saying a word to me first.
Luckily I have a strong startle reflex and the resulting jump usually makes them feel bad.
People used to do that with the tomato all the time — PICKING at it to see if it were a stick-on tat. Even if it were, why would you SCRAPE A STRANGER?
It doesn’t look as sharp now after 12 years, so that doesn’t happen, but guys in particular still tell me they love my “tattoo.” It’s on a level with my breasts, so I’m pretty sure the tomato isn’t what caught their eyes, but what can you do. My bad not putting it somewhere else.
Man, I thought my (tiny, gem stud) nose ring attracted strange attention – no one tries to pick it off my face, though.
Half the time, I get a completely random, “So did it hurt?” with no lead-up. I have no idea what they’re talking about. They are then treated to my best completely blank look.
Y’all, on the strangers-who-feel-ENTIRELY-too-free-to-touch thing: Tattoos, pregnant bellies, piercings, the list goes on and on. I was Shamu’s body double while pregnant, and had to post a sign on my outer cube wall reading “Touch the belly, lose a hand”. People I’d never seen before in my life were coming up wanting to grope me; it was like being a Linkin Park groupie.
Oh, and Wardrobe, I must extend my congratulations: You have inadvertently found the perfect way to make the Come Here Go Away Boy (first noted in the late, great Sassy magazine) fall in love with you. Not that you wanted him to, but that is, of course, why he did. You should write up your findings for Bust or something.
My crescent moons and stars combo are on my back, more or less on my left shoulder blade. Anything I wear to work covers it, but a lot of what I wear on the weekends in the summer show it. Fortunately, no one touches it!
Hey Sars and et al. Thanks, seriously. It’s nice to know I’m not painting my nails black and listening to Elliot Smith for no reason. I’ve just never been hit with the “I love you” to the “I have no feelings for you at all” turnaround in under a month before. Of course my friends are supportive, but they have to be. Faceless internet strangers with good taste (which I’m pretty sure is a pre-rec for Vine readership) reassuring me it’s ok to still feel like crap is pretty awesome.
Jen – I had that cat, for real. We got her from a rescue and she’d sit in your lap and purr until you pet her. At which point she’d bite the crap out of your arm. We called her Bitey. (Marge vs. the Monorail)
RJ – Not charming. That doesn’t work for me either. More twisted humor funny then anything, which is my weakness. And it wasn’t that he had a rep for dropping chicks out of the blue as much as using girls for sex who were super into him.
Linda – You’re totally right. I don’t need drama in my life. It’s not fun.
Sars – You’re right too. Of course. I can’t teach him shit about how to act. It’s a reflex. I work in a total sausage fest field. I’m used to being the girl that’s all “ok, but if you do that, how is she going to feel about it?†It’s hard to not want to do that when you’re “sheâ€.
Jen S – Let’s skip Bust and just make it an oxygen network after school movie. We could make 1,000’s of dollars.
KAB, I second your abbreviated tat explanation. I had this whole interwoven father-and-daughter-and-author reasoning behind my tattoo–which is a quote–but after trying to give the 20-minute explanation to strangers, I now just settle for, “It’s from a book. My dad likes it.”
I’ve been pondering a shoulder tattoo for a loooooooong time. It wouldn’t be subtle, which worries me a little, but it’s such a damn good spot for a damn good image that I can’t let go of the idea. I don’t think I could draw it, though, so I need to figure out a good way to do a trial run…
I agree on waiting for the tattoo. For years and years now I’ve been wanting mine, it’s going to be a huge piece, though. I’m covering my back in jaguar spots, each spot will be associated with someone/something that majorly impacted my life. A play off of the leopard can’t change its spots thing. I do want to find someone who can do a henna version, though, so I can have a test run.
Sars: Strangers picked at your bosom?? Are they still alive? Do they still have their arms? (And if so, why???)
@Jem, and anyone else who might need ammo:
Jem, you asked: If a person has tattoos in an obviously visible place, such as their foot or forearm, isn’t it, at least in part, because they want them to be seen by others?
Well, I think, just as often, if it’s in a visible place, it’s so the wearer can see it. And for those who don’t want to be interrogated by total strangers, I’d like to point out that, in addition to tattoos that may be visible, people also make personal choices as to the clothes, jewelry, hairstyles, and makeup that they may or may not wear. Would these strangers feel just as entitled to grill you as to why you picked out that colour of lipstick, or those earrings, or why your hair is that colour, length, or height? Why you opted for a blouse, instead of a sweater? No? Then why are they entitled to grill you about a tattoo, just because it’s there? It’s not flippin’ Mount Everest, waiting to be climbed; it’s a tattoo. It’s your tattoo. And for those folks who would feel entitled to grill about hair, clothing, jewelry choices, etc., it’s quite all right to respond, very politely, “Why do you feel entitled to ask me that?” And it’s a response you can continue to use as often as needed; just repeat it until they go away. (It’s useful for other situations, as well.)
I always croggle at the people who feel entitled to grope strangers because their bodies are changing due to pregnancy. Finding out that there are people who feel it’s OK to pick at the tattoos and body jewelry of strangers just astounds and horrifies me, and I salute you folks who haven’t decked them. One day those pickers and prodders are going to pick or prod a stranger who’s been trained in martial arts and who will act reflexively, and they will find themselves on the floor, or worse. Then perhaps they will learn to keep their hands to themselves.
No no no no no. The tomato is on my right bicep, LEVEL WITH my bosom. That’s why certain guys comment on it; they’re “complimenting my tattoo,” but…not really.
The strangers who picked at it were always women, oddly, and it’s like they were so fascinated with how Crackerjack-prizey it looked, it didn’t even occur to them what they were doing. A quick “could you…not?” snapped them back to themselves. Still, it was odd.
Drama,
I feel your pain. In my case, the MIQ’s husband is best friends with the BB, which make any sort of change even less likely.
My MIQ screws up _every_ project she is given in some fundamental way. Each time she is called in to talk to BB about it the conversation ends with them laughing and chatting like buddies, with no consequences for her actions.
One piece of advice is that she was finally shuffled to a new position once I convinced managers from other departments to go directly to the BB with their issues with MIQ instead of just complaining to each other/me.
Although she still screws things up on a _very_ regular basis, at least it’s not as head of the entire department anymore.
Thanks for the answers everyone – I’ve really enjoyed all of your comments. And just for the record I have not ever touched or grilled any strangers because of their tattoos, piercings, clothing, hair, or pregnant bellies, nor do I advocate doing these things. I really was just curious about the topic. The idea that someone would reach out and touch (TOUCH!) a perfect stranger both boggles my mind and squicks me out. Y’all have enormous amounts of restraint – I think someone would be counting the bodies if that ever happened to me. Anyway – thanks again!
MIQs exist in every workplace and they drag everyone down whether they’re managers or not. Your bigger problem is BB. If BB were a properly functioning manager, he/she would have nipped MIQ’s antics in the bud long ago and Drama would be able to work in peace!
I have two other managers at my workplace who live by the same principle as BB: don’t make too many waves. I don’t know why managers are afraid they’ll hurt employees feelings if they are straight with them about problems and expectations. If handled correctly, a manager can come away with an employee who is not only dedicated to them, BUT can actually do their job!
Drama, if you don’t get anywhere with BB I suggest you talk to HR (if you have it) or BB’s BB (if that position exists). Someone needs to help BB understand his/her responsibility to the department and that it includes honestly evaluating performance for each person under his/her charge, communicating that evaluation, prescribing fixes where problems in performance exist, AND following up regularly to make sure there is no backsliding. Just a guess—BB never took any management courses or seminars. This is basic management stuff and BB shouldn’t be a BB if he/she can’t handle it professionally.
Oh, I hate all the “I have never seen you before in my life, but I totally have the right to walk up and touch you” people*. I don’t have a tattoo (…yet) but I have this fabulous sweater smushy sweater that I love– just a little fluffy, the right drape, gorgeous colour– basically if you could make Cool Whip into a dark purple sweater this is what you’d get, but I had to stop wearing it in public because complete strangers kept walking up and basically petting me. Who DOES that??
(*See also: people who go for the curly red hair. You wanna keep that hand attached to your arm? KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Heh, good thing that theorized tattoo would/will be in a spot covered by clothing and I have no intention of ever being pregnant.)