The Vine: December 17, 2008
Dear Sars,
I don’t ever seem to have great luck with my living situations. I had finally shaken off the curse of the terrible roommates by getting a one-bedroom (and a cat! yay!) and felt like things were looking up. Then I started dealing with some of the apartment’s little…quirks. I think one in particular is getting to me, and I need you to tell me if I’m being crazy or not. You have experience with cats, and apartments, and this e-mail is about those two things more or less entirely.
Soon after I moved in, I started to realize that the “musty” carpet smell I noticed at first was less “must” and more “musk” — I think the previous tenant’s cat had some bladder issues, in the living room and in the bedroom. I talked to the landlord and he was great, came right over with this enzymatic cleaner stuff and treated the carpet. For a few days the apartment sort of smelled like mint bubble gum — not optimal, but hey, better than pee.
As it’s worn off, it seems clear from a sniff test that the cleaner helped some of the less tough spots, but there are a couple Deep-Seated Issue spots. I told the landlord, and he gave me another bottle of the cleaner to put on those spots, but I’m feeling kind of skeptical. My take: I think the pee has soaked through to the backing.
Having recently dealt with this issue from a couch cushion, where I freaking doused that thing with cleaner and let it dry for days and STILL had the smell, I know that the padding can really hold onto it. With the couch cushion, I had to rip off the cover and put it through the washing machine, and take the foam inserts and rinse them in the bathtub with Charlie’s Soap (shameless product plug — that stuff is great).
Since I saw such good results with the Charlie’s Soap, in fact, I decide to try scrubbing it on the rug spot a little bit. That foam was coming out YELLOW. It was gross. I think I can soak that rug with mint bubble gum all I want, and I will still not have killed the smell. I’m also concerned about starting mold problems, because — it’s the south, and it’s humid, and it will take a while for that spot to dry.
I feel like I’m expending a lot of time and energy on something that should have been dealt with before I moved in. I’m thinking about buying area rugs just to cover these spots up, and then feeling really irritated that I’m spending money on a problem that’s not mine. I’m so grossed out by the carpet that I never walk barefoot in my own apartment. I’m starting to worry that all the chemicals and stuff going into the carpet are affecting my health — I wake up with a sore throat — and if they’re affecting big old me, how are they affecting my cat?
On the other hand, I’m a known neurotic. I obsess about dumb stuff that’s really not such a big deal. My landlord so far has been very responsive to all the concerns I’ve had, but I don’t want to piss him off by being all crazy demanding, and I’m not even sure what I would demand. That he replace all the wall-to-wall carpeting in the apartment? That he just take it up and I’ll get the area rugs because I hate wall-to-wall anyway? That he bring in a professional carpet cleaner to deal with the stains/smell? That he buy me some Prozac?
I think way too much about this right now (well, we all have to obsess about something) and have lost perspective on what makes sense in terms of next steps, and if there’s anything else to try that I haven’t thought of. This isn’t by any means a Bad Landlord situation, so I don’t want to march up to him with my tenant’s bill of rights, but if it gets to the point where I feel like something drastic has to happen I’d like to be able to reasonably tell him that everything else has been tried. Help me, Sars!
Signed,
Whoever invented wall-to-wall — really, why did you think it was a good idea?
Dear Wall,
This sounds sort of like my refrigerator situation from a couple of years ago.My landlord is great, but requires a certain sort of handling that acknowledges that, basically, he doesn’t want to hear complaints.He will totally address them when they come up, but he’s, like, allergic to hearing them, so in any conversation about an issue in the apartment, you want to get to your proposed solution list ASAP.
What this often means: if I just tell him what I’m going to do about it instead of asking (i.e. “dragging out the complaint call and making him break out”), it usually goes my way.”B, I called D about this leak and you’ll have to come down and write him a check.””Mehhhhh okay.””B, my fridge broke; I bought a new one, I’m deducting the cost of half of it from next month’s rent.””Buhhhhh well okay fine.”
Not every landlord is like mine, but you would be surprised at how many of them are motivated by the simple desire not to have to hear from you except via rent check — and if you can come in with a solution to the problem that they can tell means the problem won’t come back?This is how you want to play it.
So, tell your landlord the pee is still a problem.Don’t get into the evidence; if he asks for it, present it, but otherwise he’s not really interested.He wants to know what it will take to put paid to this at the lowest cost to him.Ask him to take out the wall-to-wall and refinish the floors — he won’t go for it, but then you can “settle” for a professional cleaning, which you will arrange, the cost of which you will deduct from your rent, up to X amount.
The key here, as in so many negotiations, is to Jedi it — don’t ask.Inform.Not “I’m wondering if we can do something about the” blah blah, but rather, “The smell is still a problem; here’s what I am doing about it.Take care.”You can certainly still apologize for bringing it up again; you don’t have to be mean.But you would be surprised how far you can get by just telling people that such-and-so is happening and get on board.
It doesn’t always work, so be prepared for that — but I think a professional cleaning is something you should invest in even if your landlord isn’t willing to cover the cost.I mean, what you want isn’t to win the negotiation for its own sake.It’s to feel like you can walk barefoot in your home.You should work towards that regardless of what the landlord is doing about it.
Hi Sars! I am hoping you can help me out with a problem I’m not sure how to deal with.
My boyfriend and I are both in grad school, which is pretty much always stressful. I tend to alleviate the stress with some combination of running and ice cream, and forgiving myself the occasional “omigod I hate writing papers” moment. My boyfriend, however, is really letting the stress get to him.
We live together, are very committed, and I love him so much. I hate seeing him like this. Tonight he COMPLETELY lost it. He had to write a paper due at midnight, and it wasn’t coming easy to him. I get that; it happens to me, and everyone I know, sometimes. But he just…freaked. He started yelling, pulling at his hair, punching the couch, going outside to seethe, and just generally really winding himself up.
He’s done stuff like this before, and I know I’m making him sound like an abusive asshole, but he isn’t. He is sweet to me even when he’s having these fits, saying that he really loves me and hates that I have to see him like this. He never yells at me or makes me feel bad, and he doesn’t hurt the pets or anything, but he DOES say things like, “If you dumped me, I’d understand” and go on about how worthless and stupid he is, which is bullshit. Dumping him is not an option I’d consider, and I don’t think it would help his problem. I just want him to get help, because he is not dealing with school well, at all.
I’ve tried to suggest to him that he get counseling; he says he doesn’t have time. I think he should MAKE time, because he loses a lot of time throwing temper fits, and it’s bad for his health. I want a long life with him! What can I say to him when he’s in the throes of one of these meltdowns? How can I help him get some help? I don’t think I or the animals are in danger here, but I do think he’s going to hurt himself. One day he slammed his head against his desk and hurt himself to the point that I took him to the doctor. I’m really worried. Please advise!
Signed,
Shuddering to think what will happen when it’s time for qualifying exams
Dear Exams,
He slammed his head against a desk?Okay, this is where you have to decline to deal with his drama from now on — because he does it for a reason.He’s not conscious of it, most likely, and it doesn’t make him a bad person generally, but he does it because it gets a reaction.It gets sympathy and attention from you.That dynamic is not good, and he can get help for himself or not, but the only thing you can change in the situation is your own behavior, which you need to do.You need to stop reacting when he does that kind of thing, and you need to put him on notice that that’s what you’re doing.
After the next meltdown, pick a quiet moment, after the storm has passed, and tell him how his inability to cope makes you feel.”I” statements; you know the drill.”When you freak out like this, I feel anxious that you’re going to hurt yourself and tired of convincing you that I’m not going to dump you.I can’t deal with that anymore, and I think you should see a counselor to help you deal with it, but if you choose not to do that, that’s your choice.I choose to remove myself from these situations from now on.I love you, I want you to be able to manage your stress, I can help you manage your stress, but this isn’t ‘managing’ it, so: I’m done.”
More nicely than that, maybe, but he does it because, on some unconscious level, he’s getting something out of it, and that something is probably your attention — so you need to let him know that you’re happy to help him relieve his stress in productive ways, but if he gets into a punching-the-furniture, I-hate-myself cycle again, he’s on his own.”You’d be right to dump me!””We talked about this.I’m going into the bedroom now.”
So, either he’s going to see that his best option is to go to a behaviorist a few times and get some tools to help him deal with his anxiety and his compulsions in times of stress…or he’s not, but you don’t have to be around it.”I’m such a worthless person, I’m going to kick this table!””Okay.Don’t break it.I’m going to a movie.”I’m not saying don’t take it seriously; I’m saying don’t participate in it as much, because when you do, it tells him that he can keep doing it and keep getting what he thinks is helpful attention for it, when what he needs is to go to a therapist for a few weeks and examine root causes.
You can make your own choice here; it doesn’t mean you don’t love him.It means that this behavior isn’t okay with you so you’re not going to play anymore.
Hi Sars,
I’ve been puzzling over this for a few months, and wonder if you or your readers can offer some advice.
Around six months ago my beloved 96-year-old great-grandmother passed away. It wasn’t a big surprise to the family as her health had been declining over the last few years.
A bit of background here; for the greater part of her life my great-grandmother lived with her daughter (my paternal grandmother), who took care of her every need. (My great-grandmother suffered from a mobility restricting disability.) My grandmother passed away suddenly in 2002, my two great-aunts (her sisters) took over the care of their mother, and eventually the decision was made to put Great-Grandmother into a nursing facility.
Now that Great-Grandmother has passed, I’ve found myself wishing I had some kind of heirloom. I have several personal items of my grandmother’s, including some earrings that I plan to wear on my wedding day. I don’t necessarily want any diamonds or jewels, just a little keepsake that I can have with me when I walk down the aisle, or to show my future children.
There was no mention of divvying up her personal items at the wake, and I’m not sure how or even if I should ask for something. I mean, it seems awfully tacky to ask my great-aunts for some of their dead mother’s belongings. I’ve asked some friends, and no one is sure what the proper procedure is here.
So am I being heirloom-grabby, or is this a legit request?
Signed,
Celia’s Great-Granddaughter
Dear CGG,
I don’t think it’s grabby…but it’s probably going to go over better if you have a specific item in mind, because then it’s more about her, and your relationship with her, and less about wanting stuff.Alas, the kind of thing you take down the aisle with you is usually jewelry, which can get contentious in situations like this, but again, if you have a particular bracelet or brooch of hers that you admired, you might reach out to your great-aunts and see what became of it.
It’s unclear to me whether your wedding day is actually approaching or whether you’re speaking theoretically.If you’re getting married soon, that may sugarcoat the request somewhat, but if you’re just talking about when you get married one day in the future, well, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
It does seem to me generally as though, if you did have a good relationship with your great-grandmother, that a token or two should have been left to you, but you never know with this stuff, so my advice would be to have someone from a previous generation inquire on your behalf — one of your parents, an aunt who’s close with your great-aunts, something like that who’s closer to the situation.It doesn’t sound to me like you’re in regular contact with your great-aunts and a request like this could seem kind of abrupt if that’s the case, so you may want to identify an emissary that could give you an idea of how it would go over with them.
And you could also just send your great-aunts a note, asking how they’re doing and not mentioning any heirlooms, and just wait a bit longer.Six months is actually not a ton of time when it comes to organizing and distributing a lifetime of things and memories; some of my grandmother’s things are still in my parents’ attic, waiting for someone to want them, and it’s been 16 years since she passed.It’s hard to say based on what you’ve told me whether you haven’t received anything because that’s how your great-aunts want it, or whether they’re waiting for you to ask, or whether they just haven’t thought about it because they’re still trying to get deposits back on medical equipment.
So, maybe send a little card; ask someone closer to the situation what they think, or to ask on your behalf; and keep in mind that the people who wind up tidying up after a death are often overwhelmed and distracted by other issues.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette roommates the fam
Ah, dealing with drama. You might want to try some of the techniques from “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage,” an all-time classic from the NY Times. You might not want to think about training your boyfriend link you’d train a dolphin, but some of these techniques really do work.
http://tiny.cc/Epfbl
Sars, good call with the landlord piece. I would also encourage Wall to discuss spraying issues with her cat’s vet. A lot of cats will spray if there has been a cat marking their territory. Look for professional cleaners that specialize in animal substances and provide a deep clean. Proper cleaning is a 3 step process, not just a once around with a rug doctor.
@Wall: Oh dear, the pee. Yes indeedy. I know from personal experience that this is NOT a fun problem.
My husband and I have two cats, and one of them took to peeing in the corner of the spare bedroom. The cat doesn’t have health problems (that we know if), he just picked a spot one day and stuck with it. Those “especially for cat-pee” cleaning problems work great if it’s just been a couple of times, but once it soaks into the carpet pad (and in our case, into the plywood UNDERNEATH the carpet pad), it’s never coming out. The room was constantly awash with the smell of chemicals (AND pee), and when we tore up the carpet to put down laminate wood floor the smell was bad enough to hurt my eyes.
If you don’t have wood floors under the carpet that can be re-finished, you might want to have your landlord consider the laminate flooring. It’s shockingly easy to install (four days for us to do the entire upstairs), and the smell will be non-existant afterward.
Now if some of the TomatoNation readers can suggest what we can do to get our cat to STOP looking for a new corner to destroy, that would be great.
Exams, have you and the boyfriend talked about kids at all? What you’re describing is very similar to how my father used to behave when stressed out — not so much the self-injury, but the ranting and the proclamations of worthlessness and kicking things and stomping around the house. This is a terrifying thing to be around when you’re five years old and you don’t understand that Daddy’s not mad at you, he’s upset because of work.
I think Sars’ advice is great — I would only add that if the two of you have discussed being together in the long term and/or having kids, explaining that these meltdowns are not a good thing to expose kids to might help motivate him to make the time for counseling. It took me a long time to realize that my dad’s temper tantrums were not my fault, and even longer to realize that this was not normal behavior.
CGG – I know people who have “carried” mementos down the aisle by pinning them inside the dress…like a handkerchief or a ribbon or swatch from a relative’s own wedding dress. That kind of thing (if you can think of something on that order that would be meaningful to you) would probably be much less contentious. Or you could mention things along those lines as alternatives if you ask for a specific piece of jewelry to help make it clear that you aren’t in it for the value.
Great-Granddaughter — my great-grandmother died at 98 a few years ago, and left no will, but lots of stuff. What ended up happening was that, if anyone knew they wanted something specific, they told the senior member of their branch of the family, and then those people got together at her house and sorted things out based on those requests and what they thought people would want. Maybe you could suggest something like this — “I know all of us would like to have something to remember Grandma by; maybe we could all get together sometime and discuss what we’d like to have.”
Of course, I don’t know anything about your family, but if everyone gets along well, this may be the best way to deal with her things. Like Sars said, though, it may take a while to get around to the smaller, more personal stuff. My family started with things like “What do we do with the house?” and didn’t get down to “What about this quilt she made?” until over a year later.
@CGG- My grandma was about the same age as your great-grandma and folks of that age tended to have a bunch of monogrammed handkerchiefs. When my grandma passed, we found dozens of very pretty ones in great condition. You might want to ask for something like that. When my grandma died, my sister and I didn’t get any jewelry (which was fine with us) and that was with one less generation in the mix. And a hanky could be helpful for when you start tearing up, etc.
@Wall- I second what Sars is saying about landlords preferring it when you handle things yourself and just let them know what you’re doing. That’s what I do with my landlady and she flipping *loves* me for it. I bought new blinds with her permission, made screens for all the windows out of kits, painted one of the rooms- it helps that I don’t mind doing some of the work. It shows her that I’m prepared to do my part to get whatever done and not expect her to do it all. Also, as an effect of this, she’s allowed me to have a second dog (as well as my cat and dog that were already on the lease) and when I asked her if it was ok for me to get another dog, she said I could ‘do whatever I want’. LOL! So, yeah, be as proactive as you can and you’ll see results, but I check on things before acting so she feels she still has some level of control. Oh, and try some Oxiclean on those stains. I’ve had really good luck with that stuff. Then, turn on fan on it to dry it out.
Man, who would have thought managing a building would come in so handy in later years?
Pee, there’s several things to consider when soft-soaping/telling your landlord what’s what:
1) Does Landlord own the building, or is he a manager? This is important, as what the owner of a property and a manager of somebody else’s property can do are different. I managed a building for a guy who ran hundreds of apartments around town, and had to use specific vendors for cleaning, repairs, replacements, etc. So if he’s locked into using “Honest Artie’s E-Z Pee Mopup Service” because that’s what his boss wants, you have to call Honest Artie to do the cleaning, or you might be stuck with the bill. Doesn’t mean you can’t call him and deduct the amount, but again, the manager has to clear it with his boss, and trust me, he’d rather not get into it with his boss than with you.
2) This problem existed and should have been taken care of before you moved in. It’s against the rental property laws of my state to rent a space that’s unsanitary, and I would hope your state has similar statutes. You don’t have to storm the guy on all fronts waving your lease and Renter’s Property Rights in his face, but you do have a leg to stand on here. Gassing yourself and your cat with a combination of pee/ cleaning agents is not sanitary.
3) Was the wall-to-wall new when you moved in? Hate it if you must, but property owners love wall to wall because it’s cheaper than refinishing wood floors between every tenant move-out. If it wasn’t new, that means this problem should have been dealt with before you moved in and new carpeting installed. You can demand new wall to wall, with deep cleaning of the spots mentioned. Keep in mind this will be disruptive, and you will have to move all your stuff out in the hall while said cleaning/replacement takes place. I wouldn’t bring up wood flooring, but the laminate idea has possibilities. But major stuff like this shouldn’t be undertaken without talking to the landlord first.
Well, nice to know my past with managing has lent me deep knowledge in the Ancient Lore Of Cat Pee.
Wow, I’d take MCB’s excellent stance one step further, Exams. Do not have children with this man until he has this problem under control. Way under control. Put another way – if you had a child, you probably wouldn’t let someone who throws rageful tantrums babysit for you, right? Then you can’t knowingly bring children into this scenario until some real change takes place.
You have this knowledge about his method of dealing with stress, and you can’t overlook it in your long view of the relationship, even if grad school ends and he stops doing it. If I were in your position, I think I’d have to make it clear (at some point) that this isn’t an acceptable way of dealing with problems. We owe it to our partners to keep a minimal lid on the crazy, and if/when the ability to do so fails, we have to call in the pros. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I feel like this is part of the affirmative duties that come with being in a committed relationship.
Good luck with this, truly. I hope you can find a way to get through to him, and that he can let himself be receptive to your message.
Re: BOYFRIEND SMASH!!
One thing that occurs to me is that by making yourself part of the situation, you’re also acting as an observer. And nobody likes to look bad in front of other people. So the temper tantrum gets even worse, because he feels like you’re are standing there and watching him act like a fool (both for whatever he did in the first place, and for his overreaction.)
That’s most of why removing yourself calms things down. Even if you’re being helpful and supportive, he can’t help but perceive you as an audience to his failure.
Walls — If you decide to have a professional cleaning job done, try using Dumb Cat Anti-Marking Spray on the floor, pad, and carpet. http://lifesgreatproducts.com/ The site has a lot of FAQs, several of which deal with removing pet smells and/or stains from carpets. (I swear this is not an ad and I am receiving no compensation from the makers of the stuff.)
The stuff worked for me on my mattress. I had to buy a gadget that’s like a turkey baster w/a needle to get the stuff deep into the mattress, but it was worth it. No more smell! (Back story: My cats had a fight when I was out overnight, and the beta male hid from the alpha in my room and wouldn’t come out to use the litter box.)
No, I don’t like the name of the product. My cats are hardly dumb! Hey, who’s scrambling to get ready to walk to work in the snow, and who’s chilling on the couch, waiting for someone else to bring home the organic kibble? And it’s a bit pricier than Nature’s Miracle. However, it did what I needed it to do, and for that, and I am extremely grateful.
Ok, I actually have temper tantrums like the boyfriend sometimes. When you’re not in the middle of one, it’s easy to see that 1: you did it because you want attention and 2: you’re jealous that the other person is not stressed out like you are so you want to drag them down with you. So leaving me alone makes me go CRAZY. But like a two year old, I eventually wear myself out. But it’s still not cool to act that way at all, I know. I try to realize when I’m upset and just say straight out “I need attention” or “I need help” and my husband is happy to sit and talk with me for a few minutes or take over some of my other chores so there’s a little less stress for me. If I just tell him I’m having a hard time, so he can HELP, I won’t get to the temper tantrum point.
Re: BOYFRIEND SMASH!! (more)
Another comment: Not everyone handles stress by calmly and rationally reasoning it away. As the writer says, she herself uses physical activity and sensual stimulation (running and eating) to deal with it. Other people just have to go rant and yell and express their frustration verbally, at length, with gusto. They don’t expect a response or discussion; they’re basically just burping their brain.
Although, really, maybe I’m not one to talk about this. I have an advanced calculus textbook with teeth marks in it.
My only word of warning to Wall is that the Jedi mind trick could fail on a couple of levels. I have had landlords that not only refuse to make certain changes (anything short of the place falling down), but warned me that I’d have to pay them to “fix” anything I did to the apartment, improvement or not, as per my lease. And in fact, that’s a pretty standard lease clause–check that out first before doing anything.
What’s a person to do then? Well, move. It’s a pain, but sometimes it’s better than a protracted war with the landlord.
Exams, I have occasionally had reactions like your boyfriend’s to stress. In my case, as Sars says, it was never a conscious bid for attention – just a manifestation of anxiety and stress. But my husband, being the natural nurturer he is, always offered sympathy and support. And actually, it was ME who put the brakes on it, because it did feel, to me, abusive of him, in a way. I sought counseling, discovered I had developed a mild anxiety disorder as a result of life stress (I got pregnant unexpectedly two months into our marriage – not at all a bad thing, but certainly a stressful one). My therapist was able to help me devise other, more productive ways to process stress and to communicate it to my husband in a healthier way. So, this is all a long way of saying that, as someone who’s been on your boyfriend’s side of this issue, I think some form of help would really help him. There is an underlying reason for his freak outs. It’s not you, but it’s probably not ENTIRELY school, either.
@MCB, I hear you on that experience. It’s terrifying to be a child in that situation and wildly frustrating to experience it as an adult.
That said, I don’t think that exam’s boyfriend is doing it for attention from Exam. I think he would do that anyway and because they live together, she is seeing it for the first time. While bowing out of a partner’s self-destructive behavior is generally a sane-keeping idea, I wonder if a few “CUT THAT SHIT OUT”s might be in order (to snap him out of the wacky) before she decides to go to the movies every time he does this. She has papers to write too and he needs to understand that his behavior is wrecking her study time too, purely on a practical level.
@Celia’s Great Granddaughter –
I’d also recommend asking for something else than the jewelry if that might be a point of contention. My great-aunt had a bracelet made for me out of my grandmother’s silverware that was gorgeous. Anything can be repurposed if you look at it the right way. If you think asking for a jewelry keepsake might make them bristle, maybe ask for a spoon or two from her silverware and go to a jeweler and see if they can take the stems off and make them earrings or something.
Something that I’ve done, given that I’m jewelry savy was take may grandmother’s jewelry and repurpose it into jewelry for the rest of the family. I’ve taken her pearls and created rosaries for the entire family, incorporating a bead from her pearls into each rosary.
http://rosaryproject.blogspot.com
Maybe if you asked if you could use some of her jewelry because you’d like to make or have made something for all the women in the family, they might be more receptive?
The last apartment that I rented that allowed cats specifically parcelled out money from my deposit to pay for carpet cleaning when I moved out. And the maintenance guy that ended up doing my tour mentioned do black light checks on apartments that had cats to check for trouble spots (and, I presume, to either scare you into extra cleaning or to possibly take more money out of your deposit). Now whether they actually used said money for professional cleaning or did black light testing, its hard to say. My cat did have a few accidents and they never charged me extra.
I googled a bit and this is what the US Humane Society advises: http://tinyurl.com/n9n8y
I was going to point out that you could just rent a cleaner and give everything a good clean yourself. However, if you keep reading, they point out that if its really soaked down, you need to consider replacing the padding and carpet. Which is a landlord thing.
In your defense, if the landlord allows pets, then they take a gamble on needing to replace carpets, etc (its why there’s often a non-refundable pet deposit). If they didn’t take away the security and/or pet deposit to cover carpet replacement/extra cleaning from the last renters then the mistake lies with them.
Maybe you can pull up a corner of the carpet and check out the pad, see if it nasty to prove to your landlord that a carpet spray isn’t going to do it. I’m not advocating destructive here–some carpet pulls up easier than other.
On a side note, are you absolutely sure that your cat isn’t creating the problem (versus a leftover problem)? That he or she isn’t spraying and/or urinating outside the box? Maybe the move is stressing them out? Or there was a bit of leftover cat smell and now the cat is marking territory?
@CGG-How long was Great Grandmother in the nursing facility? What happened to all the stuff in 2002? It may be that the majority of her things were already dispursed and the items “left” were just clothes and what-not. Everytime my paternal grandmother moved (farm to condo, condo to assisted living, assisted living to nursing home), the children (my dad and aunts/uncles) dealt with all of her belongings at that time. The grandkids did get things, but by the time she passed, it was literally just her last few clothing items, photos (of which we already had copies), a chair that we donated to the home. I took a couple things at the funeral (vase of fake flowers, letter holder), but it was only because I was driving home and most of the family was flying and it made things easier to just say, “Yes, I will take it.”
I’m not saying that its too late, I’m just saying that there may not be piles of stuff somewhere. However, someone may have more than they need (aka, gathering dust) and would be happy to share. I’d go with Sars’ suggestion and find a generation up to chat with about Great Grandmother’s items. Lean towards the sentamental reasons, of course, so no one thinks you’re hunting for diamonds.
Re: Exams
I am like this. Or was. Saying “get counseling” might work, but ehhhhh – counseling can be very hit/miss, and it’s still going outside for what is an internal issue. What worked for me was Attacking Anxiety and Depression. The kit is ridic pricey, but my library had it. And there are plain ol self-help books, though I found the CDs very effective.
With one-on-one counseling, you can get all sidetracked into DEEP CHILDHOOD PAIN or whatnot. With a good self-help program, you can deal with the main issue (anxiety) in an efficient way, and if that leads to a discovery that there are deeper issues then yay.
And I would very much avoid mentioning how the current fits could mess up future kids – that will only make him feel like a bigger waste. Anxiety and panic are the problems here, do not fuel that fire. He needs coping skills, not more worry.
Hang in there – once you learn those coping skills, everything in life is better. Honest!
To Exams,
One of the only specific things memories I have of marriage counseling with my now ex-husband was when I brought up my husband’s habit of slamming doors, cursing and hitting walls when he was angry.
This counselor generally sided with my husband on everything, so when I brought this one up, he looked at her and said something about how his anger wasn’t directed at me, and this was yet another an example of my being intolerant. Obviously, he expected her agreement. But she said, “Your wife has a right to live in a civil household. Everyone does.”
I found that really empowering, and it has stuck with me these ten years. I hope it means something to you, because she’s right.
You going in the bedroom and ignoring his behavior isn’t enough. You have a right to peace and harmony in your living space, and your boyfriend is violating that right. He needs to grow up and stop it.
Wall – I wish my landlord were more like Sars, but alas, he is not. He would rather try to fix anything himself than pay someone else to do it. The last time I had a toilet emergency in the middle of the night and I called a plumber to fix it asap then tried the whole deduct it from my rent idea, my landlord threw a fit. He agreed to deduct the costs from my rent, but he told me next time, no matter what (in the middle of the night, a hurricane, whatever) that I should call him first to deal with it. It’s very frustrating. So, in the event your landlord is like mine, I would get an estimate on a professional cleaning and determine if I could handle the entire cost myself. If so, then anything I could persuade the landlord to chip in is gravy.
Exams – This sounds a lot like an ex (and not at all the reason we broke up). I found that something like the second option ended up working pretty well and “modified” the behavior somewhat. At the start of a tantrum, I would just say “You’re upset because you are stressed out. I get it. But I will not argue with you for the next hour about why I love you and think you’re great. You know all of those things, so I will not have this conversation.” Period. Then just continue whatever you were doing – reading, watching tv, etc. If he keeps trying to pull you in, just say again, “You know what I’m going to say. I’ve said it before. I’m not doing this now.” Eventually the tantrums will become less stressful for everyone involved. Sure, he may blow off steam still, but he’ll get that he can be frustrated and in a bad mood without also putting stress on the relationship. And having that kind of consistency from you helps create a calm, stabilizing environment for him, which helps decrease the intensity/frequency of the outbreaks. When he realizes you aren’t going anywhere, and that his tantrums don’t even upset you, I think it’s a subconscious message that he can feel safe with you, and the world isn’t ending.
Cat pee is acidic, and I’ve had great good luck neutralizing it with baking soda, which is alkalai. It’s also a harmless substance so you can really load it on. I mix it with water in a spray bottle & soak the hell out of the spot. It’s worked for me. (And I don’t think you’re obsessive, Wall. I’d react the same way. Ew. PEE!)
Maybe Exam Guy needs to take a break & go jogging or something, get that physical tension out of his system when he’s that stressed out. How scary! (Also? Hitting his head on the desk isn’t gonna make him any smarter…poor guy.) I wouldn’t wait til next time, I’d bring it all up as soon as possible. He needs better coping skills. Good luck, I hope you can change this pattern of his! He sounds so nice most of the time…
I’d send a note to the great aunts, a note that states how much you loved Celia too & that you’d like to have such-n-such to remember her by, but that if that’s not possible, would they please choose something for you? As a great aunt, I couldn’t resist that. The whole generation before my parents was all gone by the time I arrived. It’s cool that you got to know Celia so well. It’s hard to pin a memory to your wedding slip or whatever, but you will always have those memories, if nothing else, and those are a treasure. So sorry for your loss.
Exams– when I started reading your letter, I started wondering if I’d somehow sleep e-mailed Sars. My boyfriend does very similar things, and is also resistant to counseling/therapy (for different reasons). I, however, am in therapy (for non-boyfriend related things), and I’ve asked her for tips on what I can do. Here’s what she said:
1. Acknowledge that he’s upset, but don’t take blame for it. (I don’t know if you do this, but I did– and still do– all the time.) “I’m sorry you’re upset”, “You’re not worthless”, etc.
2. It probably is for a certain amount of attention, but it might also be anxiety/panic attacks. That’s what my boyfriend is dealing with, and it’s scary as hell when he really loses it. You might want to suggest to him (at a time when he’s not freaking out) some tips for calming himself down: focusing on his breathing, counting slowly in his head, things like that. My boyfriend has gotten much better by trying to focus on his breathing and almost doing a meditative kind of thing.
3. Do not not not NOT attack him about this. Bringing up how traumatic this will be for your future children? Bad. Yelling at him, telling him to cut it out, or telling him he’s acting childish? Bad. As an earlier commenter said, he’s probably already feeling bad about something that’s not 100% in his control; being angry with him will just fuel that.
Sars’s advice isn’t bad, but in my opinion and experience, trying to be supportive and helping him figure out coping methods will be best for you both in the long run. Very often leaving someone in the middle of a panic attack will only make things worse for them; if he’s going on about feeling worthless, you walking out on him isn’t likely to help matters much.
(Whoops – forgot the links.)
Exams: I have a history of letting my emotions escalate to the point where I freak out, and it’s only been in the last 10 years that I’ve gotten a grip on it. Not knowing anything about the “Attacking Anxiety and Depression” program that Ann recommended — besides what I learned by checking out the website at http://www.stresscenter.com/ — it sounds like a good program.
But I’d disagree with Ann about the effectiveness of one-on-one counseling.
Ann says, “Saying ‘get counseling’ might work, but ehhhhh – counseling can be very hit/miss, and it’s still going outside for what is an internal issue. … With one-on-one counseling, you can get all sidetracked into DEEP CHILDHOOD PAIN or whatnot.”
I’m a therapy veteran, and while some counselors *do* emphasize the “It’s all about what happened when you were 3” approach, there are others who focus on learning new actions that result in healthier habits in the here and now. This approach, called “cognitive behavior therapy” or “CBT,” is actually the basis for “Attacking Anxiety and Depression.” It’s goal-oriented and short-term (a plus with insurance providers).
There’s a group called the National Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, and their website can point you to therapists in your area who are certified by the association: http://www.nacbt.org/
One word on the subject of cat pee: Listerine. Seriously, it saved my family’s sanity and our carpets when we were working for animal rescue.
I’m actually rather amazed to read Exam’s letter, because it so closely mirrors my past (and current) situation. In fact, SEVEN YEARS AGO, I got a letter in the Vine about my then-boyfriend now-husband and his academic freakouts. Sars gave me the same advice. (He was and is not hitting anything, though – er, anything more solid than a pillow.) It did seem to work back then, or at least it worked to keep me from getting so upset when he was upset.
Now, we’re both in grad school, and the stress gets to him still. BUT! Victory at last! He’s decided for himself to go see a therapist and has just started this week. I am so hopeful that he will get some coping strategies. I am tired of being the therapist.
“Sars’s advice isn’t bad, but in my opinion and experience, trying to be supportive and helping him figure out coping methods will be best for you both in the long run.”
Well, sure — but I think she’s tried that, and it’s not moving the ball for either of them. He’s claiming he doesn’t have time to cope. And for the record, I’m not saying he’s deliberately being a drama queen; I’m sure he’s genuinely miserable at the time, and afterward. But he needs to deal with this, for his sake as well as hers, and continuing the way she has been isn’t going to change anything.
She doesn’t have to get angry at him or guilt him about their future children (I agree that that’s probably a bit much). She just has to tell him, look, I feel for you, I don’t want you to be unhappy, not everyone is his best self every minute — but I can’t keep doing this with you. Get as wound up as you need to, but it upsets me to go there, so I’m not going to do it anymore. And either he’s going to find a more productive way to funnel the stress, or he’s not, but at this point I think it’s fair for her to draw a line.
I used to scream and yell and throw things. I did it when I was overwhelmed with anger, sadness, anxiety, stress. I released my feelings onto everyone else.
I cut that crap out several years ago. I’m an adult and adults do not throw tantrums. I still get frustrated by oh, so many things, but I take deep breaths, go for a walk, leave the room, or something. This is the kind of thing that a healthy, caring, adult romantic partner or friend does.
I feel for people like Exams, who end up enabling a loved one’s dysfunction through what they think is kindness. She might want to consider a few counseling sessions for herself.
Oh, partners with anxiety problems. Things I have learned:
1. I have some absolutely “this is unacceptable” barriers. Violence is unacceptable, regardless of who or what it’s aimed at. Hitting yourself, hitting the wall, throwing things and so on is unacceptable. It’s OK to be upset and angry. It’s not OK to frighten me. My partner did this about four or five times when we first got together, but I made it clear that this was not something I would tolerate and it doesn’t happen any more, at all.
Your partner might not have the ability to “stop being stressed”, but he absolutely does have the ability to control how he acts out that stress. He just doesn’t have a reason to control it, unless you give him one.
2. My partner has been told by a counsellor that stress hormones stop your brain working. Anxiety usually means the over-production of cortisone, so your body is in the “fight or flight” mode. This means that all your muscles are poised for action, but the higher intellectual functions of your brain are briefly switched off, because you need to think about is Getting Away. So if you’re sitting staring at a textbook wondering how to make it make sense, because your brain just sees words and can’t process things, and that obviously increases the anxiety, and so on and so forth.
This may be absolutely cod-science, but it does seem to work, and it certainly explains the vicious cycle of anxiety -> can’t think-> can’t think -> more anxiety. One quick solution is to go and do some hard exercise: you burn off the excess energy, give the stress hormones something to do, and when you get back and have cooled down, you’ve got your brain back and are much more capable of thinking. WAY more productive than throwing and breaking things.
But I would give your boyfriend some ultimatums about stress management and getting help. Living with someone who can’t manage stress or anxiety is just miserable. And, you know, it’s not like you go to graduate school in the expectation that life is going to get easier after you graduate. Anything else you do at graduate school is a waste of time if you’re going to freak out every time you’re over-worked and under stress.
@ Celia:
I’ve just finished dealing with the estate of my grandma, who was 95 when she passed this year and had also been in a home. We found that trying to track items that had been passed/split/moved from when she went into the home a few years ago was difficult, so we suggested that we wanted to look at the family history and could anyone that had anything from that era speak up.
Everyone’s interested in a family history if they don’t have to do the hard work themselves. Many family members responded, including those I wasn’t even aware had stuff (and I was the executor!).
Then you can see what there is and ask for what you want (obviously, very tastefully). You’d be surprised what’s in people’s closets and attics that you may like (and they’d forgotten about).
Good luck, and I hope all of us get to live as long, happy and fufilling lives as my grandma and your great grandma did.
(Wish I’d spoken to her about the blitz before she got dementia)
Sarah the Elder – excellent point. The program I rec is CBT, plain and simple. Traditional therepy can be great – depending on the person seeking help. If the boyfriend has social anxiety like me, just chatting to a stranger about the issues can be a problem. Hence my love for self-help.
My dad had the same problems as me, minus the social anxiety part, and he found CBT lead by a therepist to be his answer.
Having been there/done that – I would say try and be kind and encourage him to address the core issue. The BF might be vocalizing and getting all dramatic for the distraction that your reaction provides… but even if you were not there he would probably still freak out about this stuff and feel like a horrible worthless person. Just more quietly.
Now, if he does not make any effort at all to help himself, then ignore away. As M said – kindness can turn into enabling.
Once, in grad school, I wrote a paper about smashing my head against a desk. JK. In engineering, we just did exams that required a lot of studying.
Maybe get him in to the running thing. If he continues his mercurial behavior, show him the window.
re: cgg
i don’t think you’re being grabby, but…there is a lot of potential for something to go wrong in this situation, unless it’s something very specific that you want. if there’s nothing specific, i would phrase it in a “borrow” context, as in “i would like to borrow this piece of jewelry to wear on my wedding day.” that is quite sentimental and avoids many pitfalls associated with “i would like this piece for keepsies.” as for showing your kids, well, i love showing things to my five year old, but photos turn his crank just as much as objects, especially when i can tell him the story behind the scene.
full disclosure: when my husband left us last year, he overlooked a silver bowl his grandparents had given us in advance of their death (they’re morbid people, we’re cool with it). i fully inteded on keeping it, but when his sisters came over to visit a few months later, i knew it had to stay in the family. sometimes grabbiness can be overcome naturally. :)
@ Wall – Along with all the other recommendations, I would also check the law in your area – the landlord may be required to put new carpet in every time the tenant in the apartment changes.
I want to caution Exams from bringing up future children as a reason for self-improvement. When my boyfriend and I first got together he did that to me all the time. “You should eat better. When you have kids, are you gonna let them eat all that junk food?” It’s extremely insulting–tantamount to being told, “You are imperfect as you are and not fit to raise children.” Luckily my guy’s given up that habit.
And as a fellow tantrum-haver, I fully recommend that he see a counselor of some kind to work through things. My grad school offers 12 free sessions per academic year. The counselor I saw was pretty bad, but it helped a little, and she finally gave me a referral to someone else, which was better. Everybody who says it’s all about effectively managing stress is completely right.
Exams: Stress management, focused on the immediate situation, could help very quickly. At the University there should be resources right on campus.
Over the ten-plus years that I have been in graduate school, I’ve periodically gone to the University’s counseling services specifically for stress management. The therapists I’ve worked with (and some of them were students, too) specialized in various biofeedback techniques to manage stress. The only one that didn’t help was the one who gave me handouts instead of teaching me the techniques, and also told me that my inability to sleep was due to my age.
In my case, the stress was also the main contributing factor in hypertension. Whatever the underlying issues are, part of the problem is being out of control. And when you are in grad school, you are definitely NOT in control of a large part of your life, so being able to take control at least of how you respond to some of that feeling of total lack of power, can make a huge difference.
Look for a health psychologist if you can’t find a cognitive behavioral therapist. And do try the University’s counseling services, since it will most likely be free – lack of money is always another source of stress.
I agree with KPP – chances are good that when the great-grandmother “downsized” to the nursing home, her belongings of value (sentimental or actual) were absorbed into the homes of her remaining living children (the writer’s grand-aunts). So, a sensitively-asked question might get results, but, if the grand-aunts have considered their mother’s belongings as their own for the last 5 years, they may not be as willing to part with anything now, and may also have their own plans for how to incorporate those items into their own personal estates.
I really doubt that he’s doing it for attention. That doesn’t sound like the normal etiology of self-injury to me — because that’s what this is, the head banging and the hair pulling. I have had that problem myself off and on during stressful periods (grad school was one), and I’ll tell you, I tended to avoid doing it in front of my husband if at all possible. I agree that it’s probably symptomatic of an anxiety problem, or depression; I’m fairly certain, given my family history, that that’s what’s at the root of mine.