Glark and I watched it on hotel pay-per-view, and no, they didn’t pay us, but they should have, because daaaaaaamn is it bad.The name actors are adequate, although it’s clear that Scott Speedman should probably stick to Ben Covington-esque roles where he has some experience, but the other guys have to fight some of the worst writing since the Elvis movies…and they lose.I will give Michael Sheen, who plays Lucian (and what’s with the names?”Lucian,” “Kraven,” “Viktor” — this isn’t daytime TV, people), credit for throwing himself into the role; he’s awful, but he’s there to work.But…he’s awful.I mean, next to “smell-the-fart acting” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of this guy.And Bill Nighy as Viktor (…I know!) is even more ridiculous.Again, I give him credit for trying to act through seventeen pounds of gooey make-up, but Lord almighty — try another expression besides “glowering,” my friend.We’ve seen that one in every shot already.The plot is incomprehensible, everyone besides Beckinsale needs a thorough shampoo and delousing, and Beckinsale herself…hair elastic, honey.You get twenty for $2.29.Look into it.And did I mention the high-larious CGI?No?Well, the CGI is hilarious.Rent it with friends and make fun of it, but be warned — it’s dumb, it’s shot through the Murk Lens, Speedman doesn’t even look that good and it’s really jarring when he says “fuck”…I’m not exaggerating how shit the movie is, trust me.(1/31/04)

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