The Vine: October 29, 2009
Sars,
I’m an intern in my state’s legislature. My boss is a progressive, feminist woman; however, one of the staffers in her office (and thus my superior) is a guy, and a somewhat misogynistic guy at that.
He’s perfectly fine around my boss and his female colleagues, but when it’s just the two of us, he often makes sexist remarks. Most of the time it’s silly “women! what can you do?”-type stuff, but occasionally he gets annoyed with either my boss or one of our female coworkers and will go off on a sexist rant about how stupid women are and how they should never have power over anything. He even called a particularly difficult lobbyist the C-word (behind her back, of course). He also occasionally engages me in conversations about the levels of attractiveness of the women in our mutual acquaintance.
Now I consider myself a feminist (that’s why I’m working for one in the legislature) and as such when other men act sexist around me, I like to shut them down whenever possible. The problem I have is that I don’t know how to do that here.
This guy is my superior, so I’m not as comfortable calling him on it as I would be with a peer. I’d say something about it to my boss, but the staffer is very good at the Jekyll & Hyde thing, and I don’t know how well it would be believed.
Also, I’m concerned about what it would do to my career: I don’t have a job yet, and I’d like to get one, but I’m concerned about rocking the boat too much. And as far as sexual harassment goes, it’s pretty mild. If he were saying these things to a woman, that would be one thing, but I’m not really a victim here.
The thing of it is, aside from all this, he’s a pretty good guy, and he’s been good to me. He’s been supportive of me in the office, and he’s been helpful as far has helping me find a paying job, so there’s part of me that feels like doing something that would get him in trouble would be betraying him. But then there’s the part of me that doesn’t want him to be able to continue being a sexist jackass and get away with it completely. He needs to learn that this behavior isn’t okay in the slightest, even around men, but I’m not sure how he can be taught this lesson. Any suggestions?
There Aren’t A Lot Of Options Here On The Bottom Rung
Dear Rung,
I have to assume that the legislature has an HR policy that covers this type of situation, one which also applies to/covers interns — that if sexist language or behavior is making an employee uncomfortable, the employee is able to report it (and may in fact be obliged to report it, even if s/he is not a direct object of harassment).
Of course, sensitivity training materials often seem oblivious to the real-world complications and difficulties of reporting inappropriate comments or behavior.Seldom is the perpetrator an out-and-out ass; it’s never that simple, as you well know.
Your best option under the circumstances is to approach your boss with a question about the policy.Don’t mention a name at first; describe the situation to her, briefly and without too many specifics, something like, “If an intern is witness to or made uncomfortable by [examples from your letter, tweaked to disguise individuals], what should he or she do?”
Then follow your boss’s lead.She may ask for more specifics; she may refer you to an ombudsman; she may guess that it’s the staffer right away and tell you that he’s a douche, but he gets things done so she’s made her peace with it.See how it goes — what information you get, and how she reacts.
As far as interacting with that guy directly, you might consider interrupting his next “women: what boneheads” rant, either by observing that you aren’t comfortable with that topic, or by changing the subject to some pertinent bit of feminist/office business.If you can’t bring yourself to do that, wait and see what insight the boss can give you on the situation.
But this is probably one of those situations in which you have to choose between getting offended and getting what you want long-term.You have to decide which is more important to you, and the fact is, capital-G Getting Into It with the guy on this issue may not bring about a “just” result.Not that you shouldn’t do it anyway; I’m just saying, it’s a tough call, because he’s probably not going to “learn this lesson.” You can stop the behavior, but perhaps not the thinking that leads to it — and perhaps not at a cost you’re comfortable with.
Sarah,
I have a simple grammar question based on a sentence that appears on the front page of the New York Times recently:
The multitaskers counter with the view that they must, and like, to tend to social and work demands.
I was taught that you should be able to remove a clause surrounded by commas and the sentence should still make sense.So I would have placed the second comma after “to” instead of before.
However, I can’t believe the New York Times editors would miss such a simple mistake.So I was wondering if you could clear this up.
Mike
Dear Mike,
You are correct.That comma should go after the “to.”
You should also be aware that the newspaper industry is in serious trouble, that the Times is not exempt from the budget cuts and layoffs facing many newsrooms, and that the proofreading team is often the first casualty.Certain columnists in the Arts section have biffed facts and dates lately because the fact-checkers have been let go or are stretched too thin to chase every assertion down.
It’s not that the mistake was missed, exactly.It’s that there was nobody there to miss it at all.You’ll be seeing more of that as time goes on, I’m afraid.
Dear Sars,
I work at a high-powered, multi-national corporation, as an executive assistant (oh joy) to one of the company stars. He’s tough, but mostly fair. This letter isn’t about him.
It’s about one of his partners, the one with the office next door. I work closely with his partners’ assistants, and I sit right in front of his office. We’re all fairly certain he’s a cocaine addict. His moods are erratic, to say the least; even stranger, his appearance will change radically from one week to the next. Sometimes he comes in looking fit and lively — other days, he looks about ten years older and kind of flabby.
He has a great many health issues (allergies, back problems), which can keep him out of the office for days at a time, but when he’s here, he can be a total nightmare. Sometimes he goes into his office and we can hear him pounding on his desk, which his assistant says is him breaking up the drugs in order to do them. Apparently he also sends his regular driver out to pick up drugs for him — a driver employed, incidentally, not by the partner, but by an outside car service we use.
He treats us all — his own assistant and we who provide backup — like idiots. He hangs up on us, yells at us, slams his door and is generally demanding and rude. He can be friendly and upbeat, but mostly only when he’s clean and his day is going well (both of which are rare, as far as I can tell after three years of working with him), but even then he’s vulgar. Just generally neutral, professional behavior seems beyond him.
I find him appalling. I hate it when his assistant is out or away from her desk and I have to help him. His spelling is so bad that he’s practically functionally illiterate, he can’t even seem to dial his own phone or send email, so he needs our help. The fact that he can’t be arsed to treat us with a modicum of respect makes me furious — and frankly, I’m frightened to be working with someone who’s temperamental AND high 60-80% of the time.
I’m not his assistant. She’s older and tougher than me, and she’s pretty much fed up with him too. I just want to know if there’s anything I can/should do in this situation. We’re about to move to a new building, where his office will be all glass and he will have no privacy. Perhaps this will render everything moot, but I doubt it.
This particular business is one where emotionally volatile people like him often succeed, because they are also blessed with ruthlessness and business savvy. In other words, if I gripe, they’re much more likely to fire me than him. What do you think, Sars? Should I keep my head down or raise my hand and tell?
Thanks,
I Can’t Wait To Finish Night School And Get The H Out Of Here
Dear H,
Tell…what?Unfortunately, you have nothing helpful to tell; you say that rude or “volatile” behavior of that type is not unusual in, or intolerable to, the company, so you can’t report him to anyone strictly on that basis, and you can’t really report him for the coke, either, because if you had the kind of proof you’d need to do that, I assume you’d have done it.”His assistant says” and “apparently” aren’t good enough when it comes to leveling that kind of charge.
What do you want to happen here?Do you just want not to have to deal with him?If that’s the case, you’ll have to approach HR or your direct boss with that request, but it sounds like part of your job description is supporting his assistant when she’s unavailable, and if your argument is that he’s an asshole, well, see above.If he’s a per se asshole, the company doesn’t seem to care.If he’s a coke asshole, you can’t prove it.
If you haven’t already, take his assistant to lunch or drinks and put your heads together about your options; you may not have any, but any action you take has a better shot at working if she’s taking the lead.Otherwise, head down until you can quit, alas.
Tags: grammar workplace
Hey, Rung,
The thing is, you are being harassed, in a way. This seems to be a guy who (from your discription) doesn’t like women, and has had to cork his opinions because of the changes in law, but those opinions haven’t changed a bit. So he assumes any man is secretly on his side about Those Uppity Wimminz, and it’s “safe” to spew vile language and vulgar notions around you as a fellow XY.
But he is totally creating a hostile work environment, and he’s the one who should be worried about being out on his keister, not you. Sar’s advice is spot on, as per usual, but don’t be too afraid to quietly express your thoughts in the work environment, if you get my drift. Not to start some entrenched, no-surrender battle with the guy–nobody wins there–but he’s insulting you every time he assumes you agree with this crap, and correcting him on that point shouldn’t have to balloon into A Situation At Work if you have a clear notion of what HR and your boss think about it.
Get your bearings (in writing, if you can manage it) and refer to them mentally whenever you feel shaky or off balance by the atmosphere, and quietly, neutrally state you don’t wish to have this discussion in the office. It doesn’t sound like you hang with this guy after hours, so you’re clear there. You’re in the right here. Don’t let a bully take that right away.
For Rung: My husband used to (thank god for the past tense) work with a guy we could. not. STAND. who was a total button-pusher with extreme and hateful views on a lot of topics, who looooved to spout about them. His work environment is TINY, and extremely dependent upon the harmony of the staff (unfortunately), so the options on how to deal with this guy were limited in a different way, but it was still quite a delicate situation. My husband and his like-minded coworkers were never, of course, able to change the guy per se, but they found the most effective way to deal with his offending comments was simply to calmly and politely lead him to hang himself. Not having been there in person, I can’t give you specific examples, but my impression was that they would basically steer the conversation to provoke him into saying something so horrible that even HE immediately understood that he’d gone way too far, and then he’d usually stop for a few days, at least.
Directly pointing out the rudeness of others usually just makes them defensive, but giving them the rope with which to hang themselves can work well, when it’s done subtly. Maybe try asking questions about what he says that really have no answer besides “I’m a hateful misogynist”? Give it some thought.
Although this simply reveals how deep-seated stereotyping is, can I just mention how thrilled I am that Rung is a man! And also that it took him until the third paragraph to bring that up, and it took me until the fifth paragraph to figure it out.
Love seeing another (I know many, so it’s not that I’m surprised–just happy) man wanting to fight sexism, and love even more that the letter didn’t start with, “Now I’m a MAN, so this might sound weird, but…”
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I guess it boils down to this: YAY RUNG and YAY WORLD and YAY. In general.
(I think the Challenge is encouraging my “YAY” habit…)
Here’s a guy just begging for one of us to buy him the “feminist chicks dig me” t-shirt … a shirt I’ve always dug the mostest. Heh.
Rung, next time that guy says “Doesn’t she have a great rack?” or whatever, look really embarassed & say “Sir, that’s my sister/cousin/mom/gramma.” and watch him choke on his own words. That’ll shut him up for a good long time, I bet! He KNOWS what he’s doing is wrong or he’d do it all the time no matter who was listening. (And what Erin said…I feel all sexist that I assumed that letter was from a woman!)
“…and that the proofreading team is often the first casualty” This makes me cry.
And yay Erin! I had exactly the same train of thought and it made me happy too :)
Just sharing my story in case it helps Rung. We had a guy in our fabrication shop that constantly would tell me I smelled good whenever I passed him in the hallway or out in the shop. Once, okay, I don’t mind, but when he kept saying it? It was offputting and weird and uncomfortable. I went to HR about it who told his supervisor who talked to him about it. It didn’t make me dislike the guy; I just wanted him to stop doing it.
He acted a little standoffish from me after that, but since I kept acting normally when around him and still saying hi, he settled down, and it’s not an issue any more.
Sometimes, I find you can get a long way with something like, “I’m probably not the right audience for this.” It expresses disapproval while giving the guy a little bit of cover, if that’s what you want to do. I mean, it doesn’t solve the problem as well as going to HR, but the thing is, I’m not sure you’re exactly being harassed in the legal sense.
Harassment is a variation on sex discrimination, so my understanding of it has always been that it has to discriminate against you based on your sex, and I’m not sure this would qualify. It’s a weird hypothetical.
You seem to be looking for a balance between not having to listen to any more of this but not shooting your foot off politically, and if that’s the case, I think you do have choices.
Thus: “I’m not the right audience for this.” Or “I’m not the right person for this conversation.” “I don’t get into these kinds of discussions, so much.” I’m not saying you couldn’t go to HR — you totally could. But you could also take a shot at just disabusing him of the notion that you enjoy this stuff as much as he does.
I keep thinking about the term “hostile work environment” in relation to the second letter, but maybe I’m not clear on the actual definition of a hostile work environment. (I work from home, so the most hostility I get is when I stub my toe or the cats’ bowls are empty.) If H’s boss is “tough but fair,” maybe a sitdown would be in order to discuss the feasibility of moving some offices around when the move to the new location is underway. If JerkMan’s office is not in such close proximity to H’s boss’s office, at least H might be off the hook a bit.
And, because I have Views about that sort of behavior and have no problems being called a narc, I would be making weekly anonymous tips to the city’s drug enforcement division about the delivery service thing. Just because the driver isn’t employed by the firm doesn’t mean it’s legal.
For Rung, I have found the phrase “That is a point of view, of course” coming in handy lately. The smart people will pick up on the nuance fairly quickly; for the thicker people, if you have to use it again, you can add, “although I don’t share it. Let’s change the subject before either of us says anything too unpleasant.” Might not work for certain situations, but has been very effective for me with three different people/two different topics.
Rung,
I think it’s important to try not to have those conversations with him (which means weaseling out of them until he gets the message, which may not happen). Maybe you could grab a friend and brainstorm some responses that come across as friendly but change the subject and/or get you out of the conversation?
The reason I’m pushing this is that if someone were to hear the guy, or otherwise find out about his trash talk, you’re currently in a classic “guilt by association” position. They don’t know you disagree; you could be a closet chauvinist too. And that would probably be as damaging, if not more, to your future career than speaking up would be.
If you think he’s likely to get caught out, you should take Sars’s advice for speaking to someone. If you email the question, you even have your objections in writing, and that can be useful.
@Rung Does this guy expect you to respond? Or does he just happily rant and rave to himself. I find the blank stare or slightly confused “uh, okaaay” response to cause people to back peddle fairly well (probably similar to backing them into their own corner like Leigh) , but that only works if they’re attempting to engage you. If he’s just happily ranting to himself then staring at him blankly won’t get you anywhere. Caveat: I’m a woman so when I’ve had this situation where people have suggested that my husband do this ‘n such. I don’t have a husband so I stare at them until they suggest something else…er boyfriend…friend..you! yeah, me. I get if its a team project, but you should just tell me that. I can’t say if blank stare works between men. Or if its appropriate in this situation.
Rung: This guy thinks you’re “on his team” because you have a penis. So he feels like he can “vent” around you. The next time he says one of his “oh, those dames!” lines, you might try something like “I’ve found women are actually better at that than men.” or if it’s about a specific co-worker, “Actually, I think she’s quite good at her job (or whatever task it is).” And then walk away. Don’t continue listening to him. If you can’t leave, as Sars and others said, change the subject.
If all you want is for it to stop around you, just subtly letting him know you aren’t on his team when it comes to putting down women, and then ending the conversation will hopefully do the trick. Sadly, these kind of people rarely have a Moment and Learn Their Lesson, but at least you don’t have to hear it. If your boss is a shrewd lady, she’s probably aware of it.
Mike, the New York Times knows they screw up, and they talk about it publicly in the After Deadline blog (http://topics.blogs.nytimes.com/tag/after-deadline/ )
“After Deadline examines questions of grammar, usage and style encountered by writers and editors of The Times. It is adapted from a weekly newsroom critique overseen by Philip B. Corbett, the associate managing editor for standards, who is also in charge of The Times’s style manual.”
I find the blank stare or slightly confused “uh, okaaay” response to cause people to back peddle fairly well
I find that this, and other variations on it suggested here, work — but the dolt in question is Rung’s superior, which is the crux of the problem as stated, and the “that’s a point of view” brand of response, while effective, is somewhat snotty. It isn’t just a colleague making these remarks; it’s a staffer who outranks Rung and has acted as something of a rabbi to him. I think that if Rung says anything, a respectful but firm “let’s change the subject” or “I’m uncomfortable with that sort of generalization/language” is preferable to snarking on him, even if it’s implied.
Not least because the kind of guy who goes on about women being dumb is also the kind of guy who will tell you very seriously that “nobody likes a smart-aleck.” By which he means that HE doesn’t, and you are one. Wise off in haste, repent at length. Trust me.
I could probably stand to have “wise off in haste, repent at length” tattooed across my forehead (in mirror-script, so I’d be able to read it in all shiny, reflective surfaces) … but in lieu of that, I would TOTALLY buy the t-shirt.
Before Rung goes to HR or complains to the boss, it might be worthwhile to
do a little checking to see if interns are protected under harassment laws in his state. IANAL, but I do supervise a lot of interns, and laws vary widely from state to state. (For example, Washington DC’s — which has the most interns ever — laws do not protect interns because since they’re unpaid they don’t count as employees). From what Rung says I don’t think he’s to the point of going to HR, but if it does get to that point it’s good to know your legal standing beforehand. (sorry about the knotty grammar. It’s late and I’ve dealt with a cranky snotty 2 year old all week!)
@e No, nothing in the last letter resembles anything that amounts to the legal definition of a hostile work environment. A hostile work environment is a legal term for a form of sexual harassment where “unwelcome verbal, visual, or physical conduct of a sexual nature that is severe or pervasive and affects working conditions or creates a hostile work environment” as opposed to quid pro quo sexual harassment, which is “sleep with me if you want to be promoted” type stuff.
The letter writer hasn’t given any indication that the guy is discriminating against her and the other assistant because they are women, he’s just a dick. Hostile work environment and other legal protections don’t cover people who are just assholes (fortunately, or the courts would be tied up forever).
That said, H shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of treatment. Start documenting every incident. When she has enough evidence, she should request a sitdown with her boss, tell him this treatment is unacceptable, and politely request that something be done about it. Do NOT use any legally loaded terms like harassment or hostile work environment, do NOT accuse him of being a drug user unless you have concrete proof. Focus on the business aspects-the way this person treats me negatively affects my ability to do my job in X ways, and I want it to stop. Then, let your boss deal with it. If he doesn’t act, then go to HR with the same spiel.
Dear Rung,
I appreciate that you are a feminist, and I understand that needing a paying job is important.
But I have to question a man who calls himself a feminist and then forgoes actually calling other men on sexism (and calling someone a cunt is like a feminist felony unless you’re Eve Ensler). Because feminism, and feminists, presumably works towards a world in which the bits between your legs are largely negligible. But now you’ve found yourself in a situation in which you’re a guy, and this guy assumes you’re an asshole too. But you don’t want to do anything, because 1. he’s trying to help you get a job, 2. he only does it around you (?), 3. nobody would believe you, 4. outside of the sexism, he’s a totally stand up guy.
If a woman were in your position, would he be trying to get her a job, or would he think women are too stupid to deserve help? If you were a woman, would his word be threatening and harassment? Are you sure he only does it around you, or does he do it when he’s alone with someone–anyone, including women? If you were a woman, would you perhaps still feel that his Jekyll and Hyde act would prevent anyone believing you if you reported his harassment?
In my opinion, besides decency, there are two big things that men have to do if they want to be feminists. First, they have to call other men on their shitty, sexist behavior. I can talk calmly and rationally or yell angrily til I’m red in the face, but most men don’t care that I think they are being sexist because my vagina makes my opinions hysterical or overreactionary. When men actually call out other men, the response if far more effective. Second, they need to stop using their male privilege. That includes participating in an old boys’ club (like one in which your male colleague, who thinks ladies are dumb, tries to get you a job), ignoring harassment because it doesn’t effect you, allowing your boss to think you agree with him, thus esteeming your worth to be greater than women with their newfangled opinions on equality, etc. Not doing something and not feeling scared or threatened or gross or (worse) triggered by your boss’s comments because that time someone raped you he called you a “dumb cunt” (for example…) are all examples of you exercising your male privilege.
I’m glad you think you are a feminist and identify as such, and I’m glad you work for a progressive, feminist female candidate. But I’m not going to give you a cookie for thinking good thoughts. When you start doing feminism in real life, even if the consequences are real and negative, then you can have a (small) bite of my pie. Every time I tell someone that I don’t think their stupid rape jokes, there are real and negative consequences for me. Every time I flip off a carload of men who yell disgusting things out the window at my as I walk my dog, I experience or risk serious negative consequences–far more serious than even getting fired. Men are in such positions of power in this culture that in order for me to believe you when you say you’re a feminist, you need to be doing feminism, not just thinking it.
So please, do something.
Sincerely,
A Lady Feminist
What I don’t understand is why Rung’s douchey superior chose to work for a woman if he finds them so mindless and helpless? I live in DC, and can’t say I’ve ever met a Congressional staffer who (on or off the clock) wants to be heard undermining or dismissing the boss based on gender, race, etc. There are a zillion politicians in this country–why does he work for one he can’t respect when well-trained staffers are usually in demand?
I really feel for you, because your boss assumes you also think that women are silly and useless. Politics is a tough business–I can’t advise you to burn your bridges with this guy, because if you’re sure that his private ramblings haven’t given him a public jerky reputation, he can help you meet people. I think there would be some poetic justice in using your mysoginistic boss’ influence to get a permanent gig where you can let your proud male feminist flag fly!
@Ferratick:
The legal definition is not reserved for sexual harassment cases. Legally speaking “a hostile work environment ensues when there is discriminatory conduct or behavior in the place of work that is unwelcome and offensive to an employee or group of employees based on a protected class status.” This behavior has to be pervasive and constitute a pattern (rather than be occasional) and needs to be of a degree severe enough to cause disruption that is beyond a reasonable degree. It also needs to be targeted rather than general (ie shouting at only women, or only black/hispanic employees). So, it’s more encompassing than just “sexual” but still restrictive as far as what you can actually pursue in a court of law.
And Alie, I think it’s unfair to decaire that he is not a feminist simply because he’s not willing to commit professional suicide in one situation. I see anti-female and anti-gay behavior taking place frequently but I certainly choose my battles because I need to balance my own ability to support my family and maintain a successful career with my desire to stand up for the rights of protected groups…some of which I belong to myself.
***DECLARE. ugh netbook keyboards.
Brigid is correct, though I hesitate to use a quote from hostileworkenvironmentguide.com as the legal definition of hostile work environment. It’s a state law issue, so the definition will vary from state to state. The key that I think both Brigid and ferretrick are approaching from different angles is that the discrimination/offensive conduct has to be directed at a class of people (whether it’s one person or 20) who are, by virtue of being part of that class, protected under that state’s laws. Being a hot mess of crazy isn’t actionable; being a hot mess of crazy toward [fill in your protected class here] might be. They aren’t easy cases to pursue, even with the most convincing facts.
As for Rung, I think there’s something to be said for just being straight with the guy – “I’m not comfortable talking about her that way.” I get that there are office hierarchy issues here, but there’s something about the HR route that really doesn’t sit right with me. I’ve been in similar shoes recently – male coworker who is very much my superior was doing something that made me really, really uncomfortable – and I finally just asked him not to do it. Yeah, it was something that any reasonable person should have known wasn’t okay, so a part of me felt like I shouldn’t need to put myself in the awkward/potentially risky position of having to call him on it, but in the end I’m really glad I did. It wasn’t a big deal – the next time it came up, I asked him to stop. He said sure, apologized, we moved on, never happened again.
There are times to go to HR, sure. But truth be told, I guess I think the upstanding thing to do when someone is bothering you is to tell them first, and give them a chance to fix it. If nothing happens, the third party route is still wide open.
As someone who was an assistant for many years in the entertainment industry, I know the type of ass Night School is talking about. But here’s the thing, Night School’s boss knows the other dude is an ass, so bringing it up just makes him/her look like someone who can’t deal with the idiosyncrasies of the business, and if he/she is indeed someone who can’t, find another assistant job. Life is too short to cover the desks of fuckwads, believe me, I know.
Also, quick reminder, he can’t really make you feel shitty, you have to allow him that power. He’s the one that looks like a douche for slamming his door and hanging up on you.
Dear Lady Feminist,
I would like to do feminism in real life. Both in the short term and the long term, and in the big picture and the small. The dilemma is that right now, I can’t do both at once. I did not write to Sars for a cookie. I wrote to her for her advice on how I could achieve this.
Already, just as an intern, I’ve worked on legislation giving victims of pay discrimination the right to sue for punitive damages, banning discrimination based on gender identity, giving nursing mothers the right to pump at work, banning health insurance companies from denying coverage to rape victims, lifting a waiting period for abortions, and raising the minimum wage for tipped workers, 65% of whom are women. I would like to continue this work.
I would also like for the guy I work with to suffer a cost for his sexist behavior. It’s not enough for me that he knows that I don’t like it when he acts like a jackass, so just adds me to the list of people he doesn’t act like a jackass around. I don’t particularly care if he thinks I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t mind hearing women called cunts. He’ll find out soon enough after I get established in my career, and he comes to me to draw down on the social capital he’s invested in me, only to find that I’ve already spent it on someone more deserving.
I can’t stop using male privilege, even if I wanted to. I was educated by teachers who were willing to call on me when I raised my hand. I got into college based on tests that were written with my learning style in mind, that I got to take without worrying about whether I would live up to negative stereotypes. I got jobs (and this internship) because sexist men thought I “stood out from the pile”. I will continue to use male privilege to amass power and influence and then I will use that power and influence to damage the system of male privilege.
-Rung
Rung, my advice would be refuse to engage. I don’t think you have to make any ‘that’s inappropriate’ comments in order to get the message across – just… refuse to engage. He makes a ‘check out the rack on that secretary!’ comment, you say nothing. He repeats it or pushes you on it, you change the question. He’s not thick: he’ll get the message. And yes to the official channels and all this – my strategy is more the ‘what to do when he actually makes a remark’ approach.
And you sound awesome. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t worry about defending your beliefs to others – when all the women in the world stop harshing on other women they will be in a position to criticise. Until then, not so much, in my opinion.
Oh, RUNG!! You have NO IDEA how it warms the cockles of my heart to hear someone espouse my personal mantra!
BE the rot from within!
I suddenly feel more cheerful than I have in a long time. Plain and simple, changes happen faster when the people with power help them to happen.