The Vine: June 2, 2010
Hi, Sars!
I have a combo cat/relationship question, and would really like your advice…
For very innocent and necessary reasons, I recently had to perform a little Google search on my ex (I thought I was going to have to send him some paperwork, and had no idea where to send it). One of the first hits that came up was his and his fiancée’s registry information. I’m very happy to find he’s getting married (I actually am, too), but once I saw his fiancée’s name, I naturally had to do a wee bit of snooping on her, too. She’s on Facebook and seems perfectly lovely, but she has a dog…
My ex and I had three cats when we were together, one was “mine,” the other two were ours. When we broke up, I took mine, and he took the other two. We broke up right before Hurricane Katrina, and when we were both making our own evacuation plans, he graciously offered to take my girl with him, since he would be taking the other two, would have all the cat stuff anyway, and would be staying in a cat-friendly place; I didn’t know where I would be yet.
None of us really knew that Katrina would be as bad as it was, and I thought I would be able to collect her after a long weekend. Long story short, that wasn’t the case. My cat starved herself, got fatty liver, and had to be nursed back to health, which the ex did gladly. I sent him money for her vet bills, he provided me with updates, and when she eventually got well enough to travel, I decided that it was wrong to shake up her life again. As hard as the decision was to make, I decided it would be in her best interest to leave her with him and the other two cats. Added to this, the original move was so close to Katrina, I couldn’t be sure that the starvation was a result of being away from me, being moved, or being away from her sisters. Either way, she was better, and that’s all that mattered.
After a while, the ex and I stopped keeping in touch, and I haven’t talked to him in a few years. It turns out I didn’t have to send him this paperwork after all, but now I’m really worried about the cats. His Facebook profile is private, and while his fiancée’s profile is full of pictures of her dog and my ex, there are none of the cats. This just makes me wonder whether they’re even around anymore (not alive, they were young, but whether he still has them), and what’s going to happen to them if the cats and the dog don’t get along.
Is it wrong to contact him? I mean, I’m across the country now, and I wonder if it would seem bitchy or hypocritical to question whether he is taking care of them since I essentially abandoned them. Is it safe to assume that a guy who was so good to them would still be taking good care of them? If I do contact him, do I mention my specific concerns with the dog or just ask about them in general? How do I pose the question? If I contact him, the only way to do it would be a random Facebook message, since I never found any other contact info for him.
And please, please, please, everyone, understand that I was really traumatized by this decision to leave my cat behind. I second-guess myself about it every day, and feel really guilty that I didn’t take her with me, or go get her after. I was so upset and confused at the time, and I could barely hold myself together then. I really felt it was the right decision to make. I hope y’all understand that!
Thanks so much, Sars!
Missing NOLA
Dear Miss,
Yes, it’s safe to assume that a guy who happily assumed custody of the cat, and addressed her serious health problems, probably has not kicked her and his other cats to the curb because his fiancée has a dog. Couples pet-blend their households all the time; the fiancée may have that many pictures of just your ex and the hound because dogs can accompany couples on jaunts outside the house, and cats cannot.
I don’t blame you at all for making the choices you made; you made sure the cat had a loving home and good care during a disaster. But it’s time to forgive yourself for “abandoning” her, because 1) that isn’t what you did, and 2) you’re projecting your guilt about it onto your ex.
I don’t think you should contact him, but if you must, keep it light, and very short: “Hey there — hope you’re well. I was thinking about Cat the other day and wondering how she was doing. I’m still blah blah details blah have a great summer — sincerely, Miss.” And when you get an answer, resolve to let it go after that. You did the best thing for the feline, and beating yourself up for something you didn’t even do wrong is making you think the worst of your ex and his betrothed, with no proof.
Sars,
Longtime reader, second-time writer. I’m writing about my marriage and I feel the need to get the advice of strangers I trust :).
A short background: I’m 31, gay, been married to my partner for over 12 years. Two years ago we moved from a large city, where all of Partner’s side of the family lives, to a small rural town where a very small portion of my family lives. We did this because we were miserable in the large city (heat, traffic, hurricanes, etc.) and love the small rural town (mountains, four different seasons, etc.). Partner misses her family but doesn’t regret moving here. The choice to move here was made together and with much thought about leaving her family behind.
Now the icky part, beginning with some history. About one year into our marriage, we began to suffer the dreaded LBD: Lesbian Bed Death. Partner did not have a desire for sex, while I still did. I read all the books I could find at the time, I tried every suggestion I could find regarding rekindling romance, etc., I had many conversations about Partner about things I could do differently in bed, or what worked best to please her.
After about two years, I was desperate. I begged Partner to attend couples therapy with me but her only response was “I’m working on it.” She wouldn’t discuss it after a certain point, wouldn’t agree to go to counseling, wouldn’t even hardly talk about the situation after a while. I was devastated that someone I loved so much wouldn’t/couldn’t see how bad this was for our marriage.
About four years into the relationship, I just gave up. I stopped talking about sex, or trying to talk to her about our sex life. I avoided sharing anything that involved or could possibly involve the sex topic, be it movies, TV, or conversations with others. I kept telling myself that if this was the sacrifice I had to make in order to have such a wonderful woman in my life (I know, I know, I’m getting there) then it was worth it.
In the meantime I began to change as a person. Where I was once outgoing and friendly, I became aggressive and bitter to others. Where I was once easygoing and relaxed, I became confrontational and angry. I never told anyone, not one person, about what was happening with Partner and me, and that section of our lives aside, we had an outwardly perfect marriage. We sort of even tricked ourselves into thinking that it was great and very carefully ignored that we haven’t had sex in nine years. And let me add, neither of us have cheated on the other. I know some readers might wonder.
Fast forward about seven years (which brings us to last year) and I just couldn’t hold all of this in anymore. It was eating away at me all the time, and I found that the older I got the less I could try to keep all this locked away, and the less I WANTED to keep it locked away. I finally started telling people I trusted, I started to open up, and most importantly, I began to go to therapy for myself.
Now, a year later, I finally had the courage to sit down and talk with Partner about everything I’ve felt, how angry I am, how much I love her yet resent her, etc. She was caught off guard, but was quick to tell me that in the back of her head, she’d known “it was wrong and unhealthy.” (I almost blew my top about that, but managed to keep it together. Barely.)
Partner immediately started asking things like “what do we do now?” and “what’s the next step?” and I told her that I didn’t have the answers to that, that I didn’t HAVE to have the answers to that. She wouldn’t come out and say it, but hinted around that maybe we should have some of the sex, which I immediately shot down. I told her I didn’t want obligatory, grudging sex, and any attraction I felt toward her is burned away by years of resentment, bitterness, and anger at her. I suggested she go see someone herself and take some time to figure out what she thinks and feels.
That was about two weeks ago, and since then things have been very strained between us. She feels isolated and alone because she’s in this new city with no friends or family (yeah, we’ve been here two years but she’s not a real “friends” kind of person. She seems to have trouble making friends and I’ve never understood why). I, of course, feel guilty for that, even though moving here was a joint decision.
What I’ve learned in the last two weeks is that I don’t know if I want to try to work things out with her. If we were to divorce, neither of us can afford to live apart; we just bought a house that we now can’t sell in this shitty market, so even if we split up we’d have to live together for a bit. She’s made an appointment with a therapist, but it’s not for about two more months, and that’s it. She hasn’t talked any more about the situation, hasn’t brought it up, hasn’t done anything but follow me around the house and try to hug/kiss/pet me. I can tell she feels insecure and scared and is looking for reassurance but I don’t have that to give to her. I can see that joint counseling would be good here, but I can’t tell if I even want to try.
I know all of this sounds like I’m ready to bolt, but the other side of the coin is that the rest of our life together was great. Partner is supportive and thoughtful, kind and patient, undemanding, not petty or jealous. She’s financially responsible, passionate about her job, and gets along wonderfully with my family. Every complaint my friends have about their spouses is non-existent with mine.
I guess that brings me to the reason I’m writing you and The Vine: is my judgment so clouded by emotion and doubt that I can’t see the answer staring me in the face? Am I choosing to stay in an abusive relationship (I don’t know if I agree with that term. The first time my therapist used it I freaked out a little, but he seems to think that it’s accurate) out of duty or responsibility or guilt? My therapist is very, very careful to not indicate what he thinks about us staying together. I seem to be in a very “can’t live with her, can’t live without her” place at the moment, but I’m wondering how much of that is based on love for her and how much is based on fear of life without her. I can’t imagine having a relationship with someone else due to the amount of sexual and emotional baggage I’m carrying around because of this.
So after reading this, I can see that I sound like a train wreck. What I would like from you and/or the readers is honesty. Am I kidding myself that this relationship can be healed? Should I want it to be healed? Is it wrong of me to not want to try? My emotions are all over the place at any given point of the day, so should I wait to make decisions when I can make them with a clearer head? Am I a shit for dragging (I didn’t, I swear) Partner 1,000 miles away from her family and then dumping her? Be honest with me, I’m so muddled right now I can’t see heads or tails in this situation.
Witty Rejoinder
Dear Wit,
“Abusive” is perhaps a little strong, but I’ll tell you how it reads to me, and it’s not supportive, patient, kind, or thoughtful. It’s fearful, controlling, and dishonest. She refused to deal with the problem, for years; she let you bust your ass trying to fix it, for years; she wouldn’t even admit it was fucked up even though she knew full well it was, for years; now, finally, you’ve gotten fed up, and she’s following you around like a little child who’s sorrier she got caught than for what she did.
I don’t doubt that she has fine qualities, as you say, but if the best she could do is an appointment in two months? To start overcoming A DECADE of lying and avoidance and secrets, making you feel unattractive and crazy? And even if she’d run to the nearest counselor’s office — then what? It’s A DECADE. I understand that you have property entanglements and you live in a somewhat isolated area, but if none of that presented a problem, if you could dump the house and move tomorrow, what would you do?
I would leave. I think it’s gone on too long and curdled too far, and I think you will get angrier than this before it’s all said and done. Whatever her reasons, whatever her intentions, you need to separate from her for a while. You definitely need to tell her what you’ve told me: that you don’t know if you want to make things work; that you can’t give her reassurance right now, and you resent the expectation under the circumstances.
Then you need to figure out some kind of formalized separation period, because if there’s any hope of saving the relationship as a relationship — not the messed-up involuntary Boston marriage you have now — you need to spend some time alone and figure out how you got here. I’m far from convinced that there is hope, or rather that there should be, because “since I was 20” is long enough with this situation. You’re not the person you were then; none of us is. The job now is to figure out what the person you are now wants to do, and if it’s “anything but this,” well, I know it’s difficult and messy, but you’ll have to put the house on the market and get it over with.
And as far as you “forcing” her to move there…you know, she’s an adult, and she can make her own decisions, just like she decided the two of you wouldn’t Do It for A DECADE. It’s past time for you to let her live with some consequences, noam sayin’? If you split up, then she can move back to wherever and continue Not Doing It with people in that town, but taking too much responsibility for her shit is part of the larger problem here. You’ve gotta stop thinking that blaming yourself for things means you’ve got those things under control, because I am state-ranked at doing that, and it does not work. This isn’t your fault, and anyway, it’s beyond “fault” now. It’s broken, period. Now what. You know?
Tell her you think you’re done, stay somewhere else for a week, and take it from there, but I’m sorry to say…I think you’ve got to go.
And now, a non-profit word from the Couch Baron!
*****
I know you know about the documentary Michael and I did about Rett Syndrome, but I’m not sure if I mentioned that we’re doing another fundraiser.
There have been some incredible scientific breakthroughs in the field even since we’ve done our doc, so the money raised is being put to good use. The event is on June 10th — if you can make it, or give a donation if you can’t, I’d really appreciate it and so would these incredible children.
Here’s a link with information about the event in case you’d like to attend, donate, or pass on the information to anyone you know who might be interested. And Moby’s going to be there! (That’s not a joke.)
CB
Tags: 7A Productions boys (and girls) cats Couch Baron Uncomfortable Truths Guy
@Witty Rejoinder
I see that you are angry and resentful – with good reason. But I also see that your partner is showing symptoms of long term depression. As in – she can’t get an appointment with ANY therapist for 2 months; she doesn’t want to go, or maybe is scared to go. But after that – I am basically with Sars. Either tell her what you want from her now (what will give you hope if she does it today, or what response you want from her right now, or for her to agree to couples counseling today and you make the appointment within the week) or admit there is no longer anything that she can do to help heal all your anger and resentment.
You said “I can see that joint counseling would be good here, but I can’t tell if I even want to try.” If you aren’t willing to try that, the partnership is pretty much over, whether you admit it or not. If you can’t tell if you even want to try, the partnership is pretty much over.
I don’t know that I’d be so hard on Witty Rejoinder’s partner: I mean, it sounds to me like they both spent nearly ten years pretending there wasn’t a problem, not just her partner. They’ve both got ten years’ avoidance and stewing and thinking-it-probably-wasn’t-healthy-but-pretending-anyway chalked up: it’s not like Witty Rejoinder has spent the whole of the past ten years trying to get her partner to talk about it. I can’t see why one is more culpable than the other.
The thing Witty Rejoinder needs to figure out is whether you’re willing to assume you’re both at fault in different ways, and put the work in with your partner to untangling the whole ten years’ mess. And you’re the only one who can decide that.
Honestly, I would toss a coin to decide whether you want to end it. Then I’d think about whether or not I liked what the coin said. Then I’d toss it again and see whether I wanted to do best out of three, or best out of five. Then I’d figure out whether the coin was on my side and whether this whole coin-tossing thing was a stupid idea.
Sometimes, when you face life’s biggest decisions, tossing a coin can help you find out what you want in your heart of hearts.
Dear Wit,
I was also in a marriage that was “perfect†except for sex. From my experience I can tell you that the process of rebuilding the sexual part of your relationship when it has been absent for several years is long, painful, and often unsuccessful. In my case, it did not work. After three years of couple’s therapy and specialized sex therapy we ended up divorced anyway. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, but I do wish someone had explained to me the difficulties we would face before I started down that particular road. I don’t know that I would have made a different decision, but it would have been nice to be prepared.
I would imagine your therapist is allowing you the space to come to your own conclusions about the future of your marriage. If I were you, I’d do the same. Only two weeks have passed since you had an incredibly difficult confrontation. It would be concerning if you thought that you knew exactly what you should do. Unless you absolutely cannot be around your partner right now, give yourself a month or two to bounce between angry, guilty, sad, and scared. As hard as it is to believe now, a clear stable plan will emerge from the chaos eventually. If you cannot stand to do this, then you might already have your answer.
From the letter:
I read all the books I could find at the time, I tried every suggestion I could find regarding rekindling romance, etc., I had many conversations about Partner about things I could do differently in bed, or what worked best to please her.
After about two years, I was desperate. I begged Partner to attend couples therapy with me but her only response was “I’m working on it.” She wouldn’t discuss it after a certain point, wouldn’t agree to go to counseling, wouldn’t even hardly talk about the situation after a while. I was devastated that someone I loved so much wouldn’t/couldn’t see how bad this was for our marriage.
I could have landed on WR like a ton of bricks for sticking around when her wife flat-out refused to deal with the situation, or its emotional effects on WR, but that horse is out of the barn, and I’m sure WR’s partner made staying a sweet deal for WR in every other way…once she’d gotten her way on this.
I doubt she was consciously manipulating the situation, at least most of the time; I don’t think she’s evil or anything. But 1) she didn’t write me, WR did, and I think that what WR wanted wasn’t just for someone to tell her what to do, but for someone to tell her, “Even though you ‘let this go on’ for ten years, you still have the right to feel angry and betrayed.” And she does.
And 2) the wife’s boo-boo-kitty “please hug me and tell me it’ll be okay” routine is horseshit, I’m sorry. The chickens have come home to roost; it took ten years and they got pretty big in that time. It sucks, but it’s overdue.
@Witty:
I was in your wife’s situation for about 3 years. My partner and I were in a very loving, supportive relationship…in which I just didn’t want to have sex after the first 6 months. No desire, nothing. Sex-wise, I just felt sort of disinterested and apathetic. After about 2 years of that, my partner finally dragged me to couples counseling, we worked and worked, and then finally (and very sadly) broke up. 2 months later, I started dating a boy…and we’ve been together, very happily, without any sex issues, for two years now. I don’t want to invalidate the real issue of LBD, or be one of those people who insists that “all a lesbian really needs is a good man to set her straight” but at the same time, I had been happily queer for almost all of my dating life, and didn’t really think my lack of a sex drive was a problem, until I figured out what I was really looking for.
All this is to say: you deserve better. You deserve someone who’s going to make you feel valued and desired and sexy and excited. I know it’s easy for the rest of us to say “just leave!” and that it’s so much harder to actually make that happen, but based on how you’ve described your past decade and how you seem to be feeling about your wife right now, I think that you need, at the very least, a trial separation like Sars suggested. Take some time to figure out what YOU want, separate from what the two of you want. I think you want more, and I don’t blame you. You deserve to have it.
Ditto on the great marriage except for the “no-sex” part. It took a long time to realize that the no-sex was a symptom of a larger problem and that I deserved to be happy. Not to say that sex=intimacy always but without sex, intimacy is a lot harder to come by in a relationship. So I got divorced, it sucked, but I am a happier and more fulfilled person now.
Re: WR, I have to say, when I read the part that Sars highlighted, I thought “That was WR’s cue to leave.” To straight-up refuse to deal with any of it – wouldn’t go to therapy alone or with WR, declared the topic closed for discussion as though it solely affected her, thereby making a unilateral decision about THEIR sex life and communication … I think I’d feel like she was not only rejecting me sexually, she was rejecting my need for communication in the marriage, which would taint every other aspect of it. I can’t compartmentalize like that. I wouldn’t see all those other wonderful qualities WR claims Wife has, because I’d be so resentful about being dismissed. It’s belittling. It’s not even fully about the sex; it’s about Wife just flat-out ignoring WR’s needs, physical and emotional. She even said that she knew it was wrong but did it anyway, for years. I don’t think I’d have it in me to let that go (it’s TEN YEARS; at this point WR has been unhappy with this aspect for pretty much their entire marriage); I’m not sure Wife deserves it, frankly. I’d go.
I also don’t quite get why WR’s partner is completely to blame on this. Maybe WR had reason to be upset with her partner about this 10 years ago when it started and her partner wasn’t willing to address it, but maybe she should be more upset with herself for consenting to stay in a sexless relationship and making major life changes (moving, buying a house) with her partner when she wasn’t happy with the relationship. Some people have a low sex drive – how is that abusive? I agree with anonymous that your resentment over this situation seems to be a new revelation for you, and you should therefore take some time to consider the situation and figure out whether it’s workable or not. I don’t see how trying a few sessions of couples counseling would hurt; seems like it should at least help you figure out if you’re past the point of be willing to work on the issue and how much iniative your partner will actually take.
I think that the problem is exacerbated by WR having stayed past the initial attempts to address it and the total brush-off from someone who is supposed to be her partner. In a similar situation, I found it very helpful to acknowledge out loud how this reluctance on MY PART to address my part of the issue has made the whole thing worse.
It can be really freeing to be able to say, “Look, I made a mistake by not dealing with this a decade ago, and by doing so, I sort of validated your choices not to deal with it, either. However, the consequence of my mistake is that I am now so tired and angry and confused that I cannot be the source of your support while we sort this out. If you want there to be a chance that I can move past all this anger and upset and turmoil, you have to own your part of it, and that means not waiting two months for a therapy appointment, not expecting me to cuddle and make you feel better, not expecting that it’s going to be as easy to get out of this as it was for us to get ourselves into it.”
You need a break. Take one, even if it’s just moving into another bedroom and setting firm boundaries about the degree of support you will offer. You can offer as much as you feel okay with (which doesn’t sound like much), but it needs to happen at this point because you choose to offer it, not because someone is following you around the house like a lost puppy dog. The thing is, she’s NOT a lost puppy dog, she’s an adult woman who chose to ignore your needs and desires, things she knew mattered to you. She gets to reap the consequences of that, just like you are reaping the consequences of your choice to let her inadequate response slide ten years ago.
I do think that the relationship is abusive — Sars is right saying it’s been “fearful, controlling, and dishonest”, and at least two of those essentially define emotional abuse. I also think it’s likely that your wife is seriously depressed, but the thing about serious depression is that the only person who can make treatment happen is the person who least wants to do anything about it.
On the whole, my advice is to stop worrying about how you got there, and start worrying about how to take care of yourself now. You don’t need to know if you can fix it, or even if you want to. You need to know that you’ve started taking care of yourself by setting boundaries on what you are capable of today, and then sticking to them.
Sars, you are right on: the “boo-boo-kitty” response is bullshit. You can’t buy off a decade of mistreatment with snuggles. I’m with those who say the therapist is just a touch ahead of himself with the “abusive relationship” label, but what’s one of the things abusers do? They hurt you and then they act totally sweet and loving to wheedle forgiveness out of you.
There’s something to be said for having sex just to break the dry spell already, because it might help things feel like less of a Deal, but it’ll almost certainly be full of awkwardness and recriminations so… I dunno. Having sex just to get it out of the way sounds gross, but maybe that’s what you need to start moving forward.
Here’s the problem in dealing with a partner who refuses to compromise or communicate on a certain point: when you throw up your hands in frustration and decide never to mention that point again, s/he will decide that it must not be an issue anymore, because hey, you’re not complaining anymore, what a relief. That means WR does have some responsibility for giving Wife the chance to tell herself that the problem was solved, but on the other hand, it’s hard to judge someone for deciding not to ram her head against a brick wall anymore.
The hardest part is, no matter how much counseling you go to, there is absolutely no guarantee that Wife will start wanting sex again, with you or with anyone else. Maybe it’s a physical or emotional issue, or maybe it’s just a thing that is. Are you willing to embark on that whole business knowing that Wife might be essentially asexual for life?
Both letters seem to illustrate the dictum of “you can’t get enough of what you don’t really want.”
Miss wants to really leave behind the guilt of having to “abandon” her cat, WR the guilt of realizing that she doesn’t love her partner anymore. You’d think abandoning guilt over something you weren’t even responsible for would be easy to do, but nothing’s more tenacious than a mind that’s learned to draw comfort from its torment.
One of the quirks of our shared evolution is our tendancy to channel uncomfortable feelings we don’t want to deal with into feeling guilty/anxious over the wrong thing. If a big part of your picture of yourself is “loving pet owner”, and you have a clear picture of what that involves, than something as tragic and huge as Katrina will tear that picture into a thousand bits. Even if your rational mind knows you did the right thing, the emotional stress of that decision has your lizard brain jumping up and down, screaming “BAD CAT MOM! BAD CAT MOM!!” If you rely on a relationship you’ve been in for twelve years to tell you who you are, you’re going to beat yourself over the head for everything you’ve done within it, no matter the reasons, rather than leave and face the ugliness of being angry at someone you love.
There’s no easy way to see through the guilt storm long enough to find the exit to peace of mind, but it can be done. The worst part will be facing the things you may have actually felt or thought–maybe you’re not a thousand percent over your relationship with your ex and seeing him with another woman pinches, and that makes you feel really gross and mean. Maybe you have to see that you have a lot of your self esteem tied up in “nobly” enduring no sex so your partner doesn’t feel bad, and that makes you feel icky.
But really, I swear, I can promise, that (quoting Geneen Roth) no feeling, once felt, ever lasted forever–or even six months. Once you face your lizard brain the rest of you will be stronger, strong enough to build a whole new, better platform for your self-image.
This is for Missing NOLA. You did the right thing, at the time, leaving your kitty with Ex, who could and did care for her at a time when you couldn’t do it yourself. You certainly did NOT abandon the cat, even though it feels like it emotionally; she was in the care of a person who she knew and trusted, and who took lots of good care of her. So, please stop beating yourself up. Lots of pet owners had far worse circumstances during/around Katrina; I live in upstate NY and some of the animals whose owners couldn’t cope were being re-homed by shelters this far north; and again, they were luckier than the ones who didn’t make it out alive. Please, make peace with yourself and the past that can’t be altered.
As for right now, can you bring yourself to “friend request” your ex on Facebook so that you could view his personal info/convo him about current cat status/offer him the option to talk it out with you? If yes, give that a try. If no, then you should let it go and move on. Sometimes a particular cat is in our lives for just a while, and then it has to follow its own destiny. Maybe your former cat will turn out to be a dog-loving “blended families are great” type.
I agree with a lot both Anonymous and Sorcha said and I think it’s important to look at what kind of expectations you had when you confronted your partner. If your partner did step up to the plate would that change the way you feel?
I agree with Anonymous in that after a difficult confrontation you don’t need to know exactly how you’re feeling or what you should do. Giving yourself the time to feel all of your emotions and consider your options is important not only for you as an individual but for your partnership if you do eventually choose to stay with it and work on it. After a similarly difficult confrontation in my own relationship, instead of taking some time, my partner chose to move out and quickly start dating/sleeping with someone else. I can’t say what that indicates about the emotional stability of ex-partner but I can say that such quick and extreme actions made it not only personally painful but destroyed any chance of working towards something together.
I also agree with what Sorcha said about looking at your part in the problems and in setting boundaries. Your willingness to stay in a difficult situation for so long is something that should be looked at but right now you have to do what is the best for you regardless of what your partner chooses to do. I do think that her inability to get into therapy right away or take any real immediate actions says a lot about your partners commitment towards making the relationship work. While her owning up to it would have been no guarantee that things could be worked out, it would have at least offered you the chance at it. Not owning up to it gives you nothing to work with so setting boundaries to protect yourself emotionally is important.
I get kind of hinky when people play the ‘it’s financially impossible to make personal choices’ card. Letting money be the reason you continue to be miserable is, sorry: lazy. It may seem beyond daunting, but keep telling yourself that lots (i.e. millions) of people have made do with less than you have, and reassure yourself that you can endure whatever privations are on the horizon. And in fact, doing so with the knowledge that you’re doing it for you may just make it not so hard. And, in other fact, it may not be nearly as dire in reality as it is in your fearful expectation.
There are hundreds of ways to extricate yourself from the financial entanglements; you might consider swapping a couples counselor for a financial/legal one.
@ Missing Nola – I thought Sars put it well – a nice way to find out how the cats are is to say, “I was thinking about Nola & hope you’re well…” etc. Friendly & subtle. :)
re: WR – if WR’s therapist referred to the relationship as “abusive” – is it possible the therapist is seeing something that we as readers who don’t know WR and her partner personally don’t see? I’ve never really been in a serious, committed relationship (not that I date around either – I’m just very boring :)), so I don’t know a whole lot about it personally, but I know what I’ve observed about others, and I wonder if there hasn’t been some serious emotional manipulation. At any rate, WR – if you do decide that you can’t stay in this relationship, can you at least rent the house until you can sell it?
I hope you’re able to work things out in a way that’s best for you; you sound like a patient and caring person who deserves to be happy.
Witty:
I’ve been reading this column for years, and this is the first time I am commenting.
I don’t have any amazing advice for you — I leave that to Sars. What she told you is really good advice.
I just wanted to tell you I’ve been there. I was with a man for eight years, and the sex stopped after a year or two. I tried. I pleaded. I’m embarrassed to say I even tried to bargain, which is pretty humiliating in retrospect. It’s unbelievably painful to love someone — or think you love someone — who will not love you physically. (And to those above who don’t see this as abuse, I’m going to wager you haven’t been through it. I’m happy for you that you haven’t been.)
I felt all the same things you did – is it fair to be mad, since I let it go on that way? Did I owe him something? Etc. Etc. Etc.
In retrospect, are there ways I could have handled the situation earlier or better? Probably. But, like you, I was in my early- to mid-20s at what probably would have been the optimal time to nip it in the bud. I did the best I could based on the feelings, wisdom and experience I had accumulated up to that point.
Eventually, I left. It’s been four years, and I still talk to my therapist about the issues that have followed that relationship. The good news is I’m in a very healthy, very loving relationship now. And it’s fulfilling in every respect. I feel that I am worthy of that.
So are you.
Best of luck to you. Be strong.
Dear Jen S,
Thank you for tellnig me what I SO NEEDED TO HEAR about a totally different issue. Your words cut right to the quick, and were exactly what I needed to be told today. Thank you.
Wit- Whether or not you stay with your partner, I recommend reading Passionate Marriage (passionatemarriage.com). The emphasis is on taking the power and control of your own sexuality back from your partner. It radically changed the way I think about sex and relationships.
I think that Sars’s advice to WR was spot on. And I don’t think anybody is demonising the wife in the situation, but come on: WR did A LOT to try to deal with the situation in an positive way, and got nothing in the way of help from her wife. I think WR has done very well to stick it out this far and I doubt many people would have stayed for so long.
Neither person is at fault: it sounds to me that they just have totally differing sex drives. It happens, and it’s not always apparent in the heady early days of a relationship. However, sometimes it’s not fixable. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 13 years and our sex life has ebbed and flowed, like, I suspect, most people in long term relationships. But even when, for whatever reason, we weren’t getting hot and heavy at least once a week, we were always physically affectionate. And we always still fancied each other, which is crucial if you want to stay happy together. It sounds like this has been missing from WR’s relationship for a long time.
I think you need to give yourself a big break here, WR. You didn’t force her to move, so you have no reason to feel responsible for her living arrangements – if she wants to move back to the city when you break up, she can. And this situation has taken a real toll on you: it’s time to put yourself first for a change. You have done your best and have behaved with honour (particularly with regard to not cheating – seriously, well done for behaving like an adult).
And I agree that the ‘abusive behaviour’ call seems a bit strong, but I guess you could also say that WR’s wife’s behaviour was controlling and was making WR very unhappy. So it could be a fair call.
Morgan, glad I could help, good luck to you!
It sounds as if Wit was doing her best to be what -she- thought a Good Partner was supposed to be, even after Wife unilaterally refused to have sex/address the fact that Wit was being rejected TOTALLY/admit that sex existed. Wit was also really young. I’ve been in a similar position myself. Lack of experience and Trying To Do The Right Thing Under Difficult Circumstances can really trap someone, until the day he or she wakes up to the fact that the partner in a monogamous relationship who unilaterally decides that the relationship WILL include monogamy but will NO LONGER include sex, has violated one of the basic tenets of that partnership. That’s a Null And Void, right there, and a betrayal of one’s partner just below the Non-Accidental “Accidental” Pregnancy.
I’m not saying that there aren’t changes and variations for all manner of legitimate reasons in any couple’s sex life: there quite often are (health issues and age take their toll). But the Unilateral Decree, with the utter sexual rejection of one partner by the other, together with the refusal to see any therapist, address the problem, discuss the problem, admit there IS a problem with Sudden Sexual Isolation By Fiat – that’s heinous. That’s crippling to the soul. Generally speaking, the partner who refuses to have sex also isn’t willing to let the rejected partner find sexual release elsewhere, either. That’s not two people with low libidos living as loving roommates – that’s rejection and control. And there are a lot of reasons the rejected partner may try to make the best of the situation – such as believing he or she is still bound by the marriage contract and obligated to do hizzer best, belief in fidelity, etc. Until the day finally comes when he or she realizes I shouldn’t have to live like this with someone who loves me. And if the partner who has refused sex for five years, ten years, fifteen years – suddenly makes sexual overtures to the partner who’s had enough of nothing, that may be enough to end the relationship right there. What, now that I’m LEAVING, you’re willing to have sex with me? But not when I BEGGED, all those times? You mean I didn’t HAVE to live like a monk all those days, weeks, years?
That’s not going to be a salvageable relationship, generally speaking.
I would love to hear what happened with Wit….