The Vine: January 11, 2007
Hi Sars,
Well, I don’t know how reliable it is, but according to this site, “the phrases ‘Broken Arrow’ and ‘Bottle of Rain’ are Native American expressions, meaning (respectively) ‘Peaceful End of Conflict’ and ‘Good Prospects/Good Fortune.’ For one to actually give another a ‘broken arrow’ in consort with an entire ‘bottle of rain’ (more than one drop of rain), would actually signal the intention to have or develop a lasting strong relationship with the other party, a wish for both peace and happiness.”
Hope that helps Cookie come to a peaceful end of her own conflict.
See, The Big G Does Know All
Dear Big G,
Thanks! Other things readers wanted Cookie to know about the phrase, and about the song:
The Rod Stewart version is a cover of the Robbie Robertson version
Robertson did the song solo, not with The Band
Robertson’s mother is Kanienkeh (“Mohawk”)
The bottle of rain, which makes things grow, can symbolize life/the future
The problem: I’m fifteen. (Ha ha. There’s more.) And for the last two years, off and on, USUALLY off, I’ve had episodes of what I guess you could call depression. However, being fifteen, and these episodes passing after a few days at most, I have done nothing about them. And no one in the world besides me and a small number of very close friends knows.
Ah, we’re getting to the point now.
This summer, starting around mid-June, the pattern has largely stayed the same. However, over the past couple weeks — probably a month, at this point — I suddenly can’t ignore this anymore. Instead of feeling isolated and depressed for a few days and then having it pass, I’m now finding the everyday to be impossible. In a few seconds, I can go from content to depressed, lethargic, angry, and alone. Or, an hour or two later, to irritable and restless, snapping at people that I really do know care about me. And when I am not at one extreme or another, I can convince myself that nothing is wrong. So you can probably imagine how long it’s taken to get to this point, admitting that something IS wrong.
On a bad day, I can’t force myself to make a phone call, go outside, or move in general. On a good day, I am exactly the same girl I’ve always known myself to be, but the good days haven’t existed much lately. And this is more than a little scary, not knowing when my mood will change again…and knowing that it’s that malleable.
So, the questions. 1: Am I overreacting? Everyone I’ve tried to ask has told me that this is normal, I’m a teenager, et cetera, that mood swings are par for the course. 2: If something is wrong, what should I do about it and 2b: how do I tell my parents, or, for that matter, anyone? I’ve been too frightened to tell them for years, even when it really wasn’t a big deal. How do I start now?
Sincerely,
I Was Always Good At Keeping Secrets
Dear Don’t Keep This One,
A little moodiness is one thing, but if it’s taking all your strength just to function — and if, even with a big effort, you aren’t really functioning — then no, I don’t think it’s Being A Teenager or “growing pains” or whatever. It sounds like you have depression, or a mood disorder of some sort.
I had crippling anxiety attacks at your age, so I can empathize with that feeling that, even when you feel “normal” on certain days, you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to feel shitty and crazy again and knowing it’s just a matter of time — and I can also empathize with that feeling that telling the ‘rents is really not a viable option. I did end up telling my parents, after months of fighting it on my own and acting like I had everything under control, and it was one of the scariest moments of my life, I won’t lie to you.
But it was also one of the best, because my parents were upset and confused and it was not a fun conversation, but it was finally done. It was out there. I didn’t have to carry it around by myself anymore; someone knew, someone could help. And they did — they had me in a counselor’s office the next morning, but truth be told, I was already feeling about a thousand percent better because I’d said, “I’m drowning here,” and they’d hauled me into the boat no questions asked.
It sucks, and it’s scary, but depression and anxiety feed on those feelings of isolation and fear, and the other thing is, your parents probably know something’s up. They don’t exactly what, but they know something’s not right with you, and I know you’ve probably read a lot of horror stories here on The Vine about crappy unsupportive parents, but you haven’t mentioned that you think your parents wouldn’t have your back, and I think the first step for you is to trust them and let them help you. If they leave you hanging, okay, write me back and we’ll figure something else out, but I don’t think you should assume that they’ll be angry or disappointed, or uninterested — they’re your parents. They want you to be happy.
Sit them down — or, if both of them is too much for you, whichever one you feel safest talking to about this — and tell them what you just told me. Tell them you’re having a rough go and you’d like to see a therapist for some help getting through it. It won’t be fun, but like I said, once you do it, it’s done, and you don’t have to fear it anymore.
Asking for help, admitting that you don’t have it covered, is tremendously difficult, but it isn’t a sign of weakness — it’s exactly the opposite. You’ve read this column; you know it’s not just me who feels you on this. A bunch of us have gone through this, and if you take nothing else from this letter, know that “through this” is possible.
All of us on the other side of it are rooting for you. Good luck; tell us how it goes.
Hi Sars —
All right, I’ve always thought cheating when you’re in a relationship is stupid and mean and most importantly, just dead wrong. You’ve agreed to be in a committed relationship, so either man up and do it or admit that you can’t. Cheating sucks. Likewise, I’ve never been sympathetic to the plight of the “other woman” (or man). If you know someone’s in a relationship with another person, don’t hook up with them, and don’t flirt too hard, either. Again, it’s wrong. But my current position doesn’t fall into either of these categories, so why do I feel so shitty?
My very very good friend (Mary) and I both know a guy (Jeff) from our school (we’re seniors in college). I’ve always thought Jeff was cute, but was never seriously into him. Mary has a biggish crush on Jeff. Both Mary and I are single, have been for forever, and would like to be in a relationship. This semester I’m in a small seminar class with Jeff, so we talk a little more than we ever did before, but still nothing major and we never really see each other outside of class.
Until the other night, that is. A bunch of seniors were out at a club, including Jeff, Mary, and I. Everyone was pretty tipsy. Jeff and I started to dance. We were getting sort of into it, but when I looked up (after, admittedly, about 20 minutes), Mary was gone. I excused myself and went to find her. When I asked our other friends, they said she had gone home and “seemed kind of upset” (they don’t really know about her crush on Jeff). I immediately went home after her, texting on the way to say I was coming and please to stay up and talk to me (we live together). When I got home she was pretty pissed at me.
So, was I wrong? Jeff and Mary have no relationship history at all, so I feel like she doesn’t really have a claim on him. Then again, I’ve been in the situation of finding out that a major crush is dating/hooking up with/interested in someone else, and it sucks, so am I a terrible friend for being that “someone else,” if only for a night? I’m obviously not going to pursue anything with Jeff either way (if I hadn’t been so drunk, I would have realized that the whole thing was a bad idea for reasons completely unrelated to Mary), but I want to know what the correct thing to do is in these situations.
Heartbreak on the Dance Floor
Dear Dance,
Did you reassure Mary that you don’t have designs on Jeff? Because if she knows that, or knew it before you two started dancing, I think you’ve done what you need to do. The rest is kind of up to Mary.
I mean, okay, she feels what she feels, and it’s good of you to try to be sensitive to that, but if she hasn’t expressed her interest in Jeff to Jeff? Hasn’t flirted with him, hasn’t asked him out, hasn’t tried to get it off the ground as an actual romantic prospect, versus crushing on him silently and secretly? Not that I acted on every crush I felt in college, and not that I didn’t feel kind of hurt when the crushes occasionally macked on other girls, but I kept it to myself, because if the guy didn’t know how I felt, what did I expect, you know? In other words, the fact that Jeff is not showing an active interest in Mary is owned by Jeff…and Mary.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — just because you’re having an emotion doesn’t mean you get to put it in play. If Mary likes Jeff that much, she needs to express that, instead of doing nothing and then taking it out on you (pretty passive-aggressively, I might also note — she didn’t tell you directly she was pissed; she just took off) when “nothing” is exactly what she gets out of Jeff. You can apologize for upsetting her if it’ll smooth things over, but…you didn’t really upset her. She got upset. Not the same thing, and, if she doesn’t get that Jeff isn’t a mind-reader, not necessarily your problem.
You didn’t do anything that grievous, is my point, and it may be time to point out to Mary that, while you respect her feelings, it’s not really fair of her to make you their sole steward, if you see what I’m saying.
Tags: Ask The Readers boys (and girls) friendships
