The Vine: January 13, 2004
Hello, expert!
I have a (couple of) simple question(s). In an awful,
awful economy like this, how does one go about getting a
job when she has never actually had a job? Ever? What do I
put on my résumé? Volunteer work from high school? Courses
I’m taking in college? How can I expect to ever get a job
if previous experience is necessary?
Signed,
I’ll cry if you don’t hire me
Dear Hire or Crier,
Ah, the eternal catch-22; I need a job to gain work experience, but I can’t get a job without experience. Truth be told, it’s an issue even during a boom economy, made much more difficult in a no-jobs “recovering” economy.
First, let’s deal with the résumé. Start it with an objective, stating what you are seeking. Don’t get too detailed (“I want a 37.5 hr/week job in an insurance agency dealing with ever-crankier customers and uninterested supervisors”) but do state clearly what it is you want to do. This helps a potential employer place where you might fit in the organization.
Second, do include things you might ignore in a regular résumé, such as volunteer work, college class work, and extra-curricular activities. Make sure to stress any leadership positions or class officer roles that you might have held, and also detail classroom successes. In other words, show the potential employer what you have been doing with your time in place of employment.
Finally, include a summary that describes you and what you have to offer, including terms such as hard-working, fast learner, et cetera. It might seem rather simplistic, but it’s a way to let the employer know that you have the skills needed, as well as the work ethic.
A newer (and increasingly popular) idea in job searching is the career portfolio, and this also might work for you. It’s based on the portfolios used by writers, actors, artists, and such, who need to tangibly prove their abilities. Instead of having a file or writing samples, you might try gathering up some examples of schoolwork, presentations, and awards that you have received throughout your college career. Select work that would support your earlier stated objective and summary, and have them available in an attractive folder or portfolio to show.
Of course, all of the above leads to the second part of your question — how do I get the interviews that would allow me to show said portfolio? There are several ways to go about getting recognized, regardless of your work experience. Internships are created for people to prove to a potential employer that you are a good hiring risk, and they are also fodder for your résumé. Check with your college’s career center. They should have listings of local internship opportunities, and they should also have listings of alumni who are willing to work with students on informational interviews.
Associations within your field are also great places to network, make contacts in your field, show others your portfolio, and find out about job opportunities. Moreover, the best time to join associations is when you are in college — the fees tend to be much lower, they often have scholarships available, and they are always looking for young members who have the time and energy to get involved. Two places to find associations in your area are http://www.ipl.org/div/aon/ and http://info.asaenet.org/gateway/OnlineAssocSlist.html. Both of these sites offer listings of associations by industry and location.
Finally, if you haven’t already, network, network, network. Talk to your family, your professors, your friends, your friends’ families — everyone you know, and tell them what kind of work you are seeking. Have an “elevator speech” (a 30-second summary of what you are seeking in terms of industry and function) ready and practiced, and tell it to everyone you see.
Good luck — and seriously, hang in there. Your situation isn’t as rare as it might seem.
Dear Sars,
I’m a 16-year-old girl, and as a high-school student, kids are bound to experiment a little. Amazingly, this letter isn’t about me, but my friend, “Nina.” Nina is, quite frankly, a drug and alcohol addict. Freshman year, she was always the humorous person who made sharp, witty jokes and excelled at her schoolwork. During the summer between freshman and sophomore year, she was at a party held by kids from another high school and tried pot and drank a few beers. Since then, she’s been doing both constantly, every night.
Every day at school, she’d stumble into our Biology class, stoned and seriously out of touch with reality. One time, she looked at me, and asked who I was, because she was so intoxicated. It’s hard to have a somewhat intelligent conversation about biology, when she’s giggling over the phrase “anal fin.” When and if she is sober, she’s back to her old self, and hardly remembers anything when she’s inebriated beyond reason. It worries me that one day she’ll be very smashed and harm herself or others, and not even remember it later. Nina knows my resentment to this, and deep down, I think she knows it’s gone beyond her control and resents it also.
Earlier today, she called me and was shouting into the phone, and laughing about Yoda. YODA, for Pete’s sake. She hates Star Wars. She invited me to a kegger party where “tons of people” were going to be hanging out. Since I pictured myself talking to the fern in the corner for the whole evening to keep myself entertained, I told her I couldn’t, because my Grandma was having a 70th birthday party (which is true — Nina didn’t need to know it was being held next month). She just giggled some more and said she had to go. Fast forward to earlier tonight, and I became so close to just calling the cops, to give all the party-goers a touch of the real world — what comes up must come down. But then I thought, “Damn, that’s a little too mean, to wreck EVERYONE’S fun.” Besides — I don’t know how to say it, it would just seem wrong to do it in that way.
But I still want to help Nina, even if it is against her will. If the school found out she did this, she’d be kicked out and never let back in (it’s a private high school with good credentials, and all that good stuff). I know she has potential — but only if she’s sober. So how the heck do I help her, without her going to, like, a rehab? I just wish she was back to her old, funny, intelligent self.
Nervous for Nina
Dear Nervous,
If Nina does have a drug/alcohol problem, she might need rehab whether you like the idea or not, but in any case, you’ve got two issues here — that her behavior is annoying, and that her behavior is detrimental to her.
It sounds like you’ve already spoken to her about it, but I think you should try to talk to her again. Tell her you can’t really deal with her when she’s fucked up, and you don’t want to, and you won’t — but tell her also that you worry she’s going down a dangerous road, and you don’t want her to get kicked out of school (or worse, if she’s out of control and then drives or gets assaulted or something). Find a way to express your support of her even if you don’t support her behavior.
And if she does continue drinking and getting out of hand, you might consider taking the issue to a school counselor, or to Nina’s parents. It’s not an attractive option, obviously, but if the problem is getting bigger than her, or you, you should take it to someone who can handle it.
Dear Sars:
A little over a month ago I chose (over a few other
possibilities) a job as office manager for a small
nonprofit organization. Since I started working, the
interns went back to school, and my boss and I are the
only ones in the office. At the end of last month, we
relocated from downtown (accessible by public
transportation) to a suburb (45-minute to one hour drive for
me, two-minute walk for him). Where once I could get up
at 8:00 and be at work on time, now I have to get up
at 6:30. He didn’t mention in our interviews that the
office would be moving, that I would be responsible
for the entire move, or that our new space would only
have one parking place, symbolized by a parking pass.
It seems strange that most of my problems here have
stemmed from the parking issue, but the deal is this:
He promised the place to me, because I would be
commuting. Because he lives blocks away, the
assumption was that he would walk, or catch a ride
from his wife — whatever. It didn’t matter, because the
place was mine. The first week after we moved the
office, he mysteriously disappeared, and took the pass
with him. I called his cell phone and asked him what I
should do, and he said to leave a note in my car,
which I did. He would be in the next day. And so forth
for the entire week. I would drive in in the morning,
expecting to be able to park at the office, and would
leave my car in the lot. Naturally, the car was towed.
Now I could have parked 6-7 blocks away in a
residential area and prevented this from happening,
but the fact was that I had the expectation of being
able to park, and specific instructions from him to
leave my car there with a note explaining the
situation. But I still felt stupid, and my car was
several miles away, and I had no transportation and no
money to get me there, much less pay for the car to be
released (because my paycheck didn’t arrive on time).
Ultimately, the landlord paid for my taxi and my car,
with my promise that he would be repaid. My boss has
indicated to me that he doesn’t intend to fully honor
this promise that I made for him. When he finally
returned with the parking pass, he refused to give it
up completely to me, saying that he didn’t have a key
to the front door and he would have to walk around the
building. I copied the front door key. He explained
that he might want to come in at night. I suggested
that he park on the street, and (in a carefully
controlled voice) that it was inconvenient for me to
leave the parking pass with him every night,
considering our office is on the third floor with no
elevator, and he doesn’t have the best track record of
returning it to me in the morning. He said it would be
good exercise for me.
This (long, sorry) example is in many ways a microcosm
of our working relationship. Many people have told me
that I should get out of this job, now, but I’ve had
long periods of unemployment before, and it’s hard to
take that leap. In addition, I can’t really afford to
be unemployed, even for a short time. So, my questions
are: How do I tell him I need to move on without
devolving into insults or tears? What should I say to
prospective employers about my short time here? I’m
sure that he won’t give me a good recommendation.
If I
do stay, how do I stand up for him once and for all
about the parking situation? I am coming home every
night from work screaming, and I would like to have a
new start.
Sincerely,
Stuck in Job Hell
Dear Stuck,
You can tell your boss that, if you don’t get full access to the parking pass, you can’t continue to work there; it’s too inconvenient (and, from the sounds of it, with the paycheck not coming on time and whatnot, not worth it anyway).
Don’t explain, don’t whine — just say what you have to say, and start researching other job opportunities. Your boss seems like an insensitive schmuck, it’s costing you money to make other arrangements for the car — cut your losses and move on. As I’ve said before, in cases like yours, interviewers understand what a mild-mannered “we had different goals for the working relationship” means. Just say it didn’t work out at the old job and leave it at that.
Hi Sars —
I’m writing about the letter from I’m a Pop Song, where you responded with the following truly excellent advice:
“But if you do split up with Boyfriend, do it because he’s not right for you, not because you think Crush is right-er. That way madness lies.”
And therein lies my question. I’m in a similar situation, and my brain realizes that I shouldn’t be doing the grass-is-greener thing due to the obvious insanity implications. However, even though I KNOW I shouldn’t compare my current relationship to a prospective one, it is wayyy easier said than done. In a perfect world, I would never weigh my relationship against one that doesn’t exist; in reality, it’s damn near impossible NOT to do that. In fact, I would argue that if you’re in a relationship with problems, it’s only natural for your attention to drift elsewhere. Unfortunately, once that happens, the “should I stay or should I go” decision gets a lot more complicated — not to mention the fact that your expectations can become totally unrealistic.
So here’s the question(s): How do you convince your brain to make relationship decisions in a vacuum? Do you have to cut the distractor out of your life? What can you do if that’s not an option? If you’ve already been an idiot and allowed your stupid mind to wander elsewhere, how can you reel it in? (Aside from sheer intestinal fortitude, which is something I don’t have.) I’m asking because this snippet of advice really spoke to my situation, and it’s beautiful and righteous and perfect in theory — but in practice I think it’s extremely difficult to do.
Thanks for the help —
Next stop, madness
Dear Next,
Well, yes, it’s difficult, but you have to try to do it anyway. Comparing current relationships to prospective ones doesn’t work for a variety of reasons — every relationship is different, for one, and you have no perspective on the situation. I mean, of course the prospective relationship looks better if the current one isn’t working; it’s a meaningless standard.
With that said, if you do find yourself comparing a possibility to a reality and the reality is consistently coming up short, you can use that to your advantage — by looking at why the reality is coming up short, and then by discussing those reasons with the current guy/girl and seeing if you can’t work things out.
If you can’t, you can’t. Not every problem is fixable with acknowledgment and/or discussion. You just have to keep in mind that, while comparing is often a symptom of something, choosing is not always the cure. I hope that makes sense.
Dear Sars,
I am a full-time college student who just turned 19 and I am expecting my first child any day now. I am not married and I live at home with my mother and two younger brothers.
I am still together with my boyfriend (the father), let’s call him “Sam,” of one year, best friend of four. He is also a full-time student in college but he lives in the next town over, which is only 15 minutes away. He has a horrible relationship with his “parents” who adopted him, but he has a fairly close relationship with his biological mother. He loves his “parents,” but he tries everything in his power to stay away from them in order to avoid an argumentative situation which leaves his “mom” (let’s call her “Lovable Pain”) crying and his “dad” grumbling in the corner about how they didn’t raise him to be a disrespectful person. Every time his LP does something that Sam doesn’t like, he politely tells her that he doesn’t appreciate what she is doing, and she gets upset, saying that she raised him and she is his mother.
I should mention that Sam feels this way because she always told him how disappointing he was, and she would rarely let him see his biological mom when he was younger. I should also mention that his bio-mom felt that she couldn’t raise him, so she put him up for adoption and her friend LP adopted Sam. LP was never physically abusive, and I am 110 percent positive that she never meant to be emotionally abusive to Sam, but she was, and Sam harbors so much resentment that even though he has tried to tell LP how he feels, she always gets upset and makes Sam feel guilty about his feelings, he doesn’t even bother telling her his feelings anymore.
My relationship with LP would be strictly as a friend of my mother’s if Sam wasn’t in the picture. However, Sam and I are together and we are going to have a baby. We are not going to get married and we have already let everyone know that. When LP found out that we are going to keep the baby instead of release it for adoption, she immediately started to shower me with gifts and attention that were not unappreciated, but were most of the time unwanted. When Sam, my mother, or myself expressed that we didn’t need any more from her, she would get extremely upset and rant and rave about how she raised Sam and that she was the grandmother. When we let her know that we were uncomfortable about how she was acting, she would get upset and claim that no one appreciated her and that she was unloved.
My mother and LP used to be really good friends and my mom was always there for LP when she needed support; however, once I got pregnant and LP started showering me with unwanted attention, my mother started to drift away from their friendship. Mainly because LP really intrudes on something that should be strictly “mother-daughter.”
My problem: After the baby is born, my mother has taken off two weeks from work to help me out and teach me things that only a mother could teach her daughter. LP has not said anything, but Sam, my mother, and I expect that she will want to stay with my mom and I “just to help out.” Although her presence will be appreciated, it will not be wanted by Sam, my mom, and I. My mom had decided that if LP asks to stay at our house, my mother will refuse her. However, if LP decides (which we all think she might) to stay at a mutual friend’s house nearby, we have no say in what she does. We cannot tell her she can’t see the baby because it is her grandchild.
LP refuses to understand anything that my mother and I tell her. I don’t want anyone else to intrude on this time together with my mother, and I feel that the only person that could get through to her is Sam. I feel that Sam should speak to her and let her know that she shouldn’t be here helping me because it really isn’t her place. However, Sam feels that he has no influence over her whatsoever and that it’s more of my problem anyway. (I should also point out that Sam doesn’t want LP around the baby so much, for personal reasons.) We are in no way trying to keep LP from seeing the baby because she is a grandmother, but she is not my mother and I feel that she is trying to take over that position with everything that she has done. Her generosity had left my mother feeling like she can’t do enough for me, even though I have expressed that she has done more for me than LP could ever do. I feel that I have already hurt LP by not letting her in the delivery room during delivery, and I don’t know if I can do it again by telling her that her helping presence is not wanted during that time after the birth. She can see the baby, but I don’t want her here 24/7, which is what she will want.
My questions: Should Sam get over his emotional feelings about LP and just tell her exactly how he feels? How do I approach the subject with him without getting him so defensive that we end up arguing? If Sam refuses to talk to LP in the end, should I hurt her again by being blunt and (in my mind) rude? Am I being selfish by wanting only my mother?
Sincerely,
The Lady Who Swallowed a Watermelon
Dear Melon,
The issue, as I see it, is that you don’t want LP in your face from morning until night after you get home from the hospital. Given that you live with your mom, it’s up to you and to her to lay down ground rules with LP — she can’t stay with you, she has to call before she comes over, she needs to limit the visiting to a few hours at a time because you and the baby need rest and alone time.
She’s the grandmother, and you will have to put up with her, but it’s fair to set boundaries, and you should do so, gently but firmly. She might wail and moan about how you won’t “let her” help you and she feels so unwanted and blah blah blah, at which time you can tell her flatly that that isn’t the case — and refuse to budge on the boundaries.
Sam can talk to her too, of course, if he chooses to, and if he does, you might suggest that he tell her to tone it down with the insecure “nobody loves me” routine, because it puts other people off. But if he doesn’t, you and your mother will have to agree on how often LP comes over and for how long, and your mother will have to enforce it, because it’s her house.
Don’t let LP bully you emotionally. She’s counting on you to fall for her o-woe-is-me routine. Don’t.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships the fam workplace
