The Vine: January 25, 2007
I love Nixon watches, and they appear to have a few smaller, metallic options for women.
Signed,
I’m a big clunky girl, myself
Dear Clunk,
Thanks for the suggestion — other readers recommended Nixon, and more watch brands (and shopping sites) appear below. If I got it more than once, it’s asterisked.
Android Ultra *
Charles Rennie Mackintosh *
Citizen
DKNY
Emporio Armani
ESQ
Fossil *
Fossil Glitz
Frank Lloyd Wright Willits Watch *
Invicta
Kenneth Cole Swiss Movement
M&Co Askew
Mambo
Mann Made Designs
Michael Graves
Mondaine
Peugeot 767S or 797SL
Seiko * (Tressia)
Skagen *
Stone
Storm *
Swatch * (Blue Choco)
Timex Classic Women’s Silver Dial Two-Tone
Tokyo Bay *
Tommy Hilfiger Madison
Vestal
Wenger Swiss Army
fridafashions.com
maclinstudio.com/ardewa.html
the Museum of Modern Art store *
the Signals catalog *
www.smartbargains.com
www.squiggly.com/swatch/
www.uncommongoods.com *
vintage watches on eBay or from a local dealer
Hey Sars,
I’m hoping you can help me out with a delicate interpersonal issue. I am at a loss regarding how to deal with one of my friends. I’ve known her for going on ten years and she has a lot of lovely qualities. She is fiercely loyal, kind to a fault and has a great sense of humor. We generally have a lot of fun together. On the negative side, she has some severe self-esteem problems, doesn’t know how to stand up for herself and can be extremely sensitive. She trusts me, so usually none of those come into play. I’m also a pretty good communicator, so I can usually phrase things that are touchy in such a way that I don’t hurt her feelings.
The problem, then: she goes through periods of very intense depression. I am sympathetic to this as a rule, and try to be a good friend to her. I’ve been horribly depressed myself, so I understand as much as anyone can…these things are different for everyone after all. I’m also interested in possibly becoming a psychologist, so I actually enjoy it on one level. I pride myself on being a good advice kind of friend.
But every once in a while, it becomes a bit much for me. One of the things I learned overcoming my own depression is the insidiousness of negative thinking. The cycle is, we’ll have a few conversations where I am very encouraging and she seems responsive, but then she doesn’t take positive action and as her unhappiness accumulates, it becomes less of a “battle strategy” conversation and more of an emotional dump. She’ll IM me all day with all of the terrible things people are saying and doing to her, often acknowledging that it’s her own inability to set boundaries or change her current situation that causes people to use her. Pretty soon, I feel depressed from all of the negativity and frustrated with her for not doing anything, when really it isn’t my problem to solve in the first place, nor is it my place to be resentful toward her for not fixing her own life.
I need help to figure out how to break the cycle. I do get positive things from this friendship, and I don’t want to disown her for having an illness. I think it is part of a friendship to be supportive in times of need, but she spends more time in need with me than I feel comfortable with. I just want to find a way to communicate to her where MY boundaries are without hurting or offending her (as I mentioned before, she is sensitive and prone to taking things the worst way due to her depression). Any ideas?
Freud Jr.
Dear Siggy,
First, you need to figure out for yourself where your boundaries are; then you need to start enforcing them — and I don’t think you necessarily need to “communicate to” your friend that you’re doing this. Just…do it.
You probably feel like it’s better if you tell her what’s going on with you, or that you have an issue with how she’s monopolizing your mental energy, and I agree that generally speaking, if you want people to change their behaviors, you have to tell them straight out what’s bothering you and not expect them to get hints. But I’m not really talking about hinting, here; the only behavior you can really control in any given situation is your own, so before you have a come-to-Jesus with your friend about how she’s wearing you out, look at why you let her do that. Look at ways you can reduce your exposure to her illness, ways you can still be there for her without letting her exhaust you.
And a lot of this, as you say, is not really her; it’s the illness, which tends to take the sufferer over in terms of self-absorption. Still, it’s frustrating, and if you don’t want to deal with it all the time, then…don’t. It doesn’t make you a bad friend to need a break, so turn off IM now and then if you can’t handle it. End phone calls that aren’t going anywhere productive after 20 minutes. Just try to spare yourself a little burnout now, so you’re not completely fed up later.
If she’s so sensitive that she notices these measures, or she’s just not giving you the space you need, you will have to speak to her more directly, and you should make it about your time constraints and your feeling pinched, not about her or her illness. But before you do that, instead of wishing that she’d give you a bit more time and room, try taking that time and that space for yourself. Don’t make a big deal about it, at first; just give yourself permission to go off-duty sometimes, and see how you feel about things. It’s a friendship, not the Army. You can leave the base now and again if you want to.
Dear Sars,
I’m in need of some advice concerning a new relationship. I’ve been dating “Carl” for about two months now, and we’ve recently decided that we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. He seems to really care about me, constantly giving me so much attention and always telling me how much he likes me. Though I would rather take things slowly, he seems to want to accelerate things…for instance, he talks about marriage and asks about what I think our children would be like. This may have something to do with the fact that he’s in his early 30s, and though I find it odd, I don’t let this bother me.
However, what does bother me is the following… His previous serious relationship ended about a year ago. Carl was with “Cathy” for a year, but she moved out of the country for a job opportunity, and while she was overseas, they tried to continue the relationship. A few months after she moved, he visited her, and it was at the end of the trip that she unceremoniously dumped him. I don’t know the details of the breakup, but it hurt him a lot and he thought she was cold-hearted in the way she broke up with him. He has a strong dislike for her now, but I think it is mainly because she was the first woman to ever break up with him. Anyway, when Carl and I first started dating, he mentioned her, and seemed a bit emotional when talking about her. I told him that I didn’t think he was over her, but he got a little upset, insisting that he was over her since he now really dislikes her and couldn’t be with someone like her. In talking about her, he mentioned a particular well-known ice-skating rink they used to go to in the area.
Anyway, I’ve mentioned recently visiting that ice-skating rink, since I in fact had been wanting to go there for years. But he didn’t want to go there during the holidays, for fear that he may run into Cathy, who often goes there with her family (they live in the area) when visiting them. Also, a couple of weeks ago, we went to a movie theater which turned out to be close to where Cathy used to live. After the movie, he told me he had actually been there before with Cathy and had started feeling sad and angry at the same time about Cathy since the theater reminded him of her, and also because one of the actresses in the movie looked like her. I didn’t like hearing about this, and told him so, but I let it go.
Finally, just the other day, without my asking, Carl showed me photos of a trip he took with the ex-girlfriend before Cathy. When I asked to see photos of the time when he was dating Cathy, he said he didn’t want to, but then he changed him mind, and let me look at one of his albums, but that he couldn’t look at it himself. He didn’t want to see the photos, and I told him that it was proof that he still wasn’t over her (I probably shouldn’t have said that). So, he finally took a look at the photos.
In sum, I feel that his refusal to go to the skating rink, his expressed dislike of Cathy, his mood at the movie theater, and his refusal to even look at any photos of her shows that he still isn’t over Cathy. Am I right? Also, I would like to know what you think I should do with this relationship…I feel a knot in my throat thinking about his reaction to anything related to Cathy, and I feel like I’m not enough for him. Should I just go along with it and not mention it ever again, hoping that with time he’ll get over her? What if six months from now he’s still like this about her?
Thank you,
The Rebound Girlfriend?
Dear Reb,
Okay…no, he’s not over her. And I think you know that; I think what you’re actually asking me is whether he should be over her at this point, which…yeah, he probably should be. I don’t know what happened when she dumped him, I don’t know how much romantic experience the guy has (or doesn’t have) that he’s not taking this in stride all that well, maybe I’m missing something, everyone’s different, et cetera, but he only dated her for a year, a year has gone by, and it does seem like the Cathy nerve should not be quite as raw as it is.
But does that mean you should break up with him? Well, that depends. On the one hand, he’s still got feelings for her that are perhaps inappropriately intense and negative, and he permits himself to get pretty melodramatic about them — I mean, a movie theater reminds him of Cathy? After a year? There’s sucking it up that has to happen here, and he’s not doing it. On the other hand, though, he doesn’t deny doing these things or feeling this way; he’s forthright about it, at least, which might mean that it has nothing to do with you — he still feels strongly about/towards Cathy, but it’s separate from how he feels about you.
And some people can do this. Some people can have strong emotions for two people and not really cross the streams. Can Carl do this? I don’t have enough information to say; again, I don’t know enough about the split with Cathy, and I don’t know how much you look like Cathy, or whether he talks about her constantly or the times you mention are the only times…you know, if you look fairly similar to her, and then he’s asking you to dress like her or do things the two of them used to do together, and he’s really up on you to move in together or whatever? Then you have a problem. If you’re not comfortable, you have a problem.
And you’re not comfortable, because you wrote to an advice column; something is not sitting right with you. But if he doesn’t tend to bring Cathy up unprompted, and you don’t feel like he’s trying to replace her with you, and you care for him and he cares for you aside from this issue, maybe you should just leave it alone for a while longer. No, in theory it’s not a great idea to get involved with someone who’s still in mourning, but in practice, one size doesn’t always fit all — everyone’s rebound is a different height. Don’t go by what the timeline “should” be, or what you think you “should” do; look at the situation and weigh the pros and cons for yourself.
Tags: Ask The Readers boys (and girls) friendships retail
