The Vine: March 2, 2011
My best friend (who was just my maid of honor in my wedding back in October) and I have been friends since we were 10. We are now both nearly 34. That’s a long time and a lot of history and a lot of bad boyfriends and being in love with Bret Michaels and living together and then realizing we are NOT Laverne and Shirley and getting new jobs and pregnancy scares and 2 weddings and 10 funerals and 6 cats and 3 dogs and a divorce and a long-distance friendship. That’s our history and it was fun and scary and great, but it’s really just over now and it makes me very sad. I need some help trying to figure out how to handle things from here on out.
BFF lost her 15-year-old cat on a Monday in September. The very next day, her mother died after a long, horrible illness. Then the day after that, her grandfather, who she was living with and caring for at the time, finally let go. That’s a LOT for anyone to handle. But, BFF is not just anyone. She’s someone with a lot of medical issues herself (some of which, I am sad to say, I am very doubtful of) that have been going on for close to 2 decades now. That horrible week in September, everything came to a head.
We all (meaning me and her family) found out a lot of things about the other issues in her life that week. We found out how truly out of control her use of prescription drugs really was. And then things went downhill even more. We tried to get her into a rehab, but with everything sort of still in her hands, it never came to be. She had no job, no resources, no car, no home, no money, nothing — but she talks a good game and I fully believe that’s what kept us from being able to get her some real help.
She currently lives with her father’s parents, but only because it was either that or the streets. She had nowhere else to go — no one else left would take her in. Her grandma wouldn’t let her be on the streets, so she let her move into their back bedroom. And shortly after that, BFF’s disability claim came through. So now she’s going to have a place to stay and a bit of money again. It seems like she’s never going to hit bottom at this point, which is what needs to happen before she’ll get help. She apparently has no plans to use any of her disability resources to get into rehab or anything. It’s very disappointing.
The thing that broke the camel’s back for me was the day she called and told me that our good friend (who had been living abroad) was dealing with a family medical emergency herself, and she and her husband and children would be moving back to the states soon. BFF had somehow talked herself into a living situation that would eventually include her being alone/babysitting AbroadFriend’s small children. There’s more to it, but that’s the part that just really got to me. AbroadFriend really had no idea of the real ins and outs of what had been going on with BFF.
So, because the children were going to be involved, I called and spoke with AbroadFriend myself. I just felt that I had to — she needed to be informed of the real situation before it got any stickier. I called and asked her what she knew about BFF’s situation. She told me what she knew and I let her know that it was more complicated than that. I also let her know that at this point, with the things I had seen for the past few months, I would not want BFF near my children even if I were present. It breaks my heart to say that, but it’s true.
Thankfully, AbroadFriend was able to get out of this situation without drama from anyone. But it was enough to put things over the edge for me. Just knowing that BFF was so desperate in her own life that she would possibly devastate an entire family unit who, for all she knew, was totally oblivious to the whole situation…I decided I just had to break it off with BFF.
I know in my head that some friendships just run their course and there’s nothing you can do about it. Even though we often think of our friends like they are family, they aren’t and it is a bit easier to remove yourself from a sticky situation. I’m trying to do just that. But it is very hard on me and I know it’s hard on her as well. But, at this point, it has to be done. We have nothing in common anymore (other than our fond memories) and I no longer trust her or have any real respect for her.
But I still feel awful. Her birthday is coming up and she messaged me on Facebook that she would like to go out for a drink this weekend. She really has no friends left. I was one of the last. And I feel horrible that I am going to have to say no. Right now, even if I hadn’t decided to distance myself from her, I still would have to say “no”…I KNOW the medications she’s on now, I saw all of the bottles and pills firsthand when we went through her bag that night. And I know she’s not off of any of them. I just can’t go and actively know those things and have a drink with her. It’s too scary and I just won’t do it.
The hardest part now, is not knowing exactly what to do next. Do I just sort of keep my distance and only answers certain questions or inquiries? For example, another good friend of mine is pregnant and was due last week. BFF asked about her in her birthday-drink inquiry. So while I did ignore the birthday question (for now) I did let her know that PregnantFriend was doing well, but no baby yet. Or do I go full balls-out and be 100% honest with her and say all of the things I’ve said here, to her? Will that do more harm than good at this point? For her, I mean…emotionally? My husband just keeps saying, “You can’t help everyone. She’s made her choices,” but it’s harder than that, really. I don’t want to hurt her or cause her to go into an even worse tailspin.
What do I do?
Done
Dear Done,
Your answer wouldn’t necessarily affect my suggestions as to what you should do, but it’s worth asking: Which is it? Is it that the friendship has run its course, and you have nothing in common anymore except the past? Or is it that her substance abuse has made her too difficult to spend time with?
Neither answer is “wrong,” and possibly it’s a combination — when a friend is too fucked up to participate in any meaningful conversation, it does tend to point up the ways in which you’ve drifted apart. But there is an abruptness here, a particular type of frustration you’ve expressed; you made the woman your MOH only a few months ago, and now you want to punt her for the extra point. This is not a judgment, at all. I have been there. It’s exhausting, your friend has become a functionally unrecognizable pain in your ass, and you just want it over — I get it. But what your attitude suggests to me that it’s not necessarily that you and BFF have nothing to talk about or bond over anymore. It’s more that, currently, you feel like your relationship is not with BFF but with her disease (which, basically, it is), and you’ve hit the wall with that (which is completely understandable).
I can’t tell you whether, if BFF got off the pills and started taking more responsibility for her life, your friendship could be repaired, or evolve. But for that to happen, you’ll need to set a boundary now — and even if you don’t particularly care whether that happens, you need to set the same boundary.
Tell her that you love her and you hate to see her in, as Edith Wharton might have called them, such reduced circumstances — but you can no longer continue the friendship as long as she’s using prescription drugs. You can’t take the anxiety — where she’ll live; whether she’s mixing pills with Popov — and you’ve started to resent it, and her. You understand that she’s an adult, and you can’t “make” her do anything; you can only control your own behavior, so, until she gets some help and sticks the landing, you cannot see her or speak to her. No birthday drinks, no gossip about mutual friends, nothing. You miss your friendship with her, but this is not that; this is a caretaker relationship with a narcotic, and you don’t want it anymore.
This is not a fun conversation, and you will feel like shit — in part, no doubt, because she will make you — but your husband is right. She’s made her choices. She’s not likely to choose treatment now, either, but: see above. This is not really about forcing her to see reason and go to rehab. This is about letting her know that this friendship, the one between you and a junkie, is over. Write down a rough script and rehearse it so that you don’t get off-track, or sound too angry; keep it short, so she can’t seize on details and lawyer them to death.
But you do have to do it. Maybe she’ll get it, but even if she doesn’t, it will help you close the chapter.
Tags: Bret Michaels friendships
I know I’m probably on the wrong track here with respect to BFF, but I hate when people say “drugs” without specifying or pointing to any *behavior* on the person’s part. She’s not coping well with horrific tragedy? That doesn’t make her an addict. Is she nodding out? Stealing? Acting high? That would be different. But the OP doesn’t mention any of that.
Why this bugs me:
I got accused by my (manipulative) ex of having a big prescription drug problem, thanks to having tried a pile of remedies for anxiety and depression and never getting around to taking the mostly-full bottles out of my messy oversized purse (laziness, combined with the fact that ex’s friends were the type to snoop around in medicine cabinets looking for goodies, meant that my purse seemed like the right place for the bottles… to be honest I didn’t give it much thought).
Ex took a photo of the various pill bottles right before we split, then after the split, convinced my family and friends that I was a major addict. I lost a lot of friendships, and some relationships with relatives.
Lost enough, actually, that I left the country when I got a job offer overseas. I left with a single bottle of pills, didn’t go through any withdrawal or have any drug-related problems (because I wasn’t effing addicted to anything), and made a new life with people who trusted *me*, not the contents of my handbag.
I’m just sayin.
Is she nodding out? Stealing? Acting high? That would be different. But the OP doesn’t mention any of that.
I don’t know why I forgot to mention that, but this struck me also. I would expect at least a brief catalog of druggy behavior; not that there’s not a legitimate issue, but I sense that, either way, the author just wants out of the friendship, and sees this as a possible exit door. But if you’re just not close anymore…say so.
“It seems like she’s never going to hit bottom at this point, which is what needs to happen before she’ll get help.”
This right here is why I think you should take the balls-out approach. I mean, yes, it’ll probably hurt her, and it won’t be good for her emotionally, but the point is that if she IS doing well emotionally she’ll NEVER get help. I’m not saying kick her when she’s down or even try to make her get to rehab specifically, but…make her see that her problem is having serious consequences. Tell her she has lost a lifelong friendship. Tell her she’s lost your respect. Tell her you warned AbroadFriend about her and that you don’t think she’s fit to be around children. I don’t know if that counts as hitting rock bottom, but I’d sure as hell feel low if I heard it from my best friend. (Maybe low enough to consider help?)
And then at least you’ve said your piece and if she tries to contact you again, you can fall back on a simple “Call me once you’re off drugs,” if you want, or “I’ve told you why this friendship is over.”
Hi, I’m Done.
I had kind of forgotten I’d written this letter, until I got the email saying it was being featured today. When I wrote it, I was so confused about everything and really was not good at getting all of my thoughts and all of the details out. In my head they were all there (obviously) but they didn’t come out in my writing. I’ll try to go into further detail, to clear somethings up…
To start, before I forget this one… @Amanda: “Is she nodding out? Stealing? Acting high?” Yes to all of those things. At one point I just came flat out with it and told her that she was scaring me, because she was so obviously stoned… I told her that she looked like one of the heroin users on Intervention, slurring their words, eyes half closed, the whole deal. It was very sad and disturbing to see her that way.
After her grandfather died, an uncle from out of state came back and he and his wife stayed in the house for a few weeks, to try to get things in order. BFF was still living there as well. Grandfather had rent houses, and we know that she took the money that one of the tenants had dropped off, once. So, there was stealing for sure, also.
The night that her aunts and I became more than a little concerned, was the same night that I told her she looked like a heroin addict… we managed to get her bag from her and try to figure out what all she was taking. In her bigger bag, we found empty pill bottles with her name, her grandfather’s name, AND her mother’s name on them. Then we found a smaller bag (makeup bag) full of at least 6 different kinds of pills, just loose in the bag. There were probably close to 500 pills in there. She had morphine and potent muscle relaxers, plus other pain pills, sleeping pills, and anti-anxiety pills. One of her aunts also found Fentanyl patches in one of her bedroom drawers. Those had been stolen from a safe in her mom and dad’s bedroom, where her father had put all of her mom’s medication after she’d died. Thankfully, we DID find the liquid morphine that had been for her grandfather, and it had not been hidden by her or anything.
To answer some of the questions from your original reply, Sars…
I think the friendship may have run its course BECAUSE of her drug abuse. We’re at a full-stop now. There’s no going forward unless/until something changes. And I don’t even know if it can go foward even then.
And, yes, I do fully believe she’s abusing these pills on a daily bases. When she runs out, and can’t get a refill, she just makes a trip to the ER with one of her back spasms, ovarian cyst pains, or migraines. And they either give her a shot for the pain and send her on her way, or (as has been the case at least 3 times in the past year) they admit her for a few days and try to figure out what could be causing this pain she has that’s medically unexplainable. And she gets morphine when she’s there.
In regard to her being my MOH – I asked her almost a full year before the wedding. At the time that I asked her to be my MOH, she was fairly stable. She had a job, was in a long-term relationship, had her own apartment, etc. Probably 2 months after she agreed to be my MOH, things started falling apart. She lost her job, boyfriend broke it off and moved out, mom got sick again, grandfather got sick, etc. She’s had a lot of shit, really bad shit, happen in her life. And this will sound horrible, but a lot of it (obviously not the deaths in her family though) leads back to her “medical problems” and I just don’t believe 90% of those anymore. I think all the other lying that she’s done has made me look back on the years and years of her passing out episodes and being in the hospital, and has made me realize that there’s a VERY good probability that at least most of it is just flat-out made up.
And, I’m just done with it all.
I’m afraid that even if she did get “sober” and got her life on some sort of track, she’s just not the same person anymore. I feel like a great deal of our friendship has just been us coasting by on “but we’ve been friends for FOREVER” and I don’t know if it’s worth the pretending anymore. I no longer like her, as a person.
I’ve been pretty chicken-shit about it and have just basically cut off all ties. We had a pretty awful thing happen to a old high school classmate of ours a few weeks ago, and I did text her once about the situation with that, but now I feel like even that much contact was a mistake.
I do have to say that reading my original letter and reading Sars’ original reply did make me cry. I hadn’t let myself cry at all about any of this yet, but I do sort of feel a little bit like I’ve experienced a death. It just sunk into my gut and started sobbing. I miss her – who she used to be.
Well, while LW doesn’t specificly reference any being on high or out of control behavior, she mentions that her friend has no job, and was basicly down to living on the streets if she didn’t find someone to take her in. While there are a lot of other possible explanations for finding yourself in those circumstances, some through no fault of your own, there’s a not insignificant percentage of people who got there because of drug/alochol abuse too. Just sayin’.
I’m just wondering if you take the course of action Sars suggests, will it be the wake up call your friend needs, the rock bottom thing that makes her get her life together. Even if you don’t think the friendship is reparable if she does get her life together, it’s still worth it to try.
Something in the chronology is off. Done found out that her BFF was abusing prescription drugs and lying about it, and went so far as trying to put her in rehab, and then a month later BFF is her maid of honor, as if nothing happened?
Also, did anyone in BFF’s family bother to talk to the doctor(s) prescribing drugs, to find out whether for a fact she is abusing those drugs, or whether she does in essence need all of them for some reason or other? I am on anti-anxiety medications, and am lucky that all I need is one kind of medication. I know people who have to take a whole cocktail of them to stabilize their mood somewhat, some of them just to remedy some side effect that another medication gives.
So far, all that there is here is Done’s “I am doubtful” statement about BFF’s medical problems. Again, is this after talking to BFF’s doctors? Other doctors? Done doesn’t have to go into the nitty/gritty details, but she’s so light on details about why exactly she believes her friend is a prescription drug addict (why did she have to go through her purse? Suicide attempt? Alcohol poisoning? Other destructive behavior?), that it’s almost sounding like an excuse to get out of the friendship.
Don’t get me wrong, if the friendship is done for her, she should just tell the friend it is. But as @Amanda pointed out, no behavior is described that suggests that the chemical dependency is unjustified by BFF’s alleged conditions (again, some people have to take a bunch of meds for their conditions).
Thanks for the clarification, @Done. I think I assumed based on your worrying about getting even one drink with her that it had progressed to a dangerous point.
I feel like a great deal of our friendship has just been us coasting by on “but we’ve been friends for FOREVER” and I don’t know if it’s worth the pretending anymore. I no longer like her, as a person.
Again, I wonder how much of this is actually her and how much is the drugs, and the drug-seeking and other behaviors that are ancillary to them, but if you’re done, you’re done. It happens; forgive yourself.
Spot on asking her about whether it’s the drugs or a friendship that has run it’s course. It made me feel a little uncomfortable that WDID has no real stories about her friend’s “addict behavior” beyond the contents of her purse and doubting her long-time medical diagnosis (which obviously the government agreed with, since she has been granted disability). Also, there was something very Judgey McJudgerson about being disappointed that your friend secured some support and a place to live and isn’t “hitting bottom” the way you think they should.
That being said, I have been around addicts before and Sars is right, you have to make firm boundaries and should probably just step away for now (or possibly forever).
@ Done,
ok, that clears some things up. I guess that the only thing I would have done differently would have been saying right then and there “No, you can’t come to the wedding, maid of honor or not, you’re stoned out of your mind, and I don’t think I want to enable that”. That’s the sort of push to sobriety that she does need.
By letting her remain your MoH, I suspect that she took that as acceptance of her bad habits, so of course she doesn’t feel any qualms about inviting you to go out and drink with her! I also wouldn’t expect her to realize that the break you did take from her was because of her prescription drug habit, at least not while it’s ongoing. I think the friendship is done, at least until your friend goes through rehab and gets back in touch with you to let you know she’s sober, and you see that she’s grown from the experience to be someone worthwhile resuming touch with. But I wouldn’t hold my breath at this point.
@ meltina re: “Something in the chronology is off. Done found out that her BFF was abusing prescription drugs and lying about it, and went so far as trying to put her in rehab, and then a month later BFF is her maid of honor, as if nothing happened?”
You’re right, it does sound extremely odd when you put it that way. And it will probably make me sound bridezilla when I try to explain, but I will anyway…
All of the badness went down like 2 weeks before my wedding. So, we had 2 deaths, the night of chasing her down the street when she bolted because we’d found the stolen meds, 2 funerals, and then all of the (now) trivial stuff that was going on with ME at the time…dress fittings, MY inlaw dramas, finishing DIY wedding stuff, rehearsal dinner, wedding, etc. All in like 2.5 weeks. It was INSANE.
Our families have been lumped together (for SO many years now) in things that the 2 of us have been involved in together throughout the years, that we all just sort of did what had to be done, put some stuff on the back burner that probably should have stayed on the front, and charged head-first into all the horribleness and all the celebrations that needed to be taken care of.
And the rehab try didn’t come until after the wedding, when it was obvious that all of her, “well, just give me a little more time to figure this out on my own” wasn’t going to work.
And as for the question of wether I have personally spoken to her doctors, I have not. Her father has – he’s spoken to her medical doctors as well as her therapist, and I believe his feelings on her medical issues run pretty close along the same lines as mine.
@done: Oh dear, that does shed new light on your question. Yes, your friend has serious problems. Ending your lifelong friendship might be the wakeup call she needs, but sadly, probably not. You have been a good friend and tried to help, but in the end an addict has to want to get better, and until that day, friends and family can only protect themselves both emotionally and from other out of control behavior like stealing and driving wasted.
I had a close friend with a prescription drug addiction, and it changed her in ways I never dreamed of. After her husband threatened to leave her, she finally went to rehab, but then on a visit a few months later, she begged me to help her get more pills. I remember how horrified I was about who she had become and how doubtful I felt about our friendship. The good news is, she struggled but ultimately was able to overcome her addiction. She called me a couple of years later and apologized for her behavior during that time. So, sometimes people do get better. I hope your friend finds her way out.
My question is, at what point can you consider the “landing” to be “stuck,” and permit contact again? How much time and what proof of change do you need, or csn you reasonable accept? I hope somebody has some guidance. I have a situation almost exactly like this, although with a person of not very long or close acquaintance–but a very intense personality, who does consider me to be one of his best friends. He has a number of serious psychological and dependence issues, which he hides well but have come to a head in recent years. After pretty much destroying his career and most of his relationships (not for the first time), he finally–and very publicly, with much drama–went into rehab only a few months ago. I told him that while I was still his friend, I couldn’t take the emotional toll or his abuse. He has a paranoid and vindictive streak, and has nearly harmed my career on several occasions, as well as causing me a ton of stress. I said I didn’t want to be his “crutch” any longer, for either of our sakes, and couldn’t talk him about it, period. I left open the possibility of a reconnection when he’d gotten help, and settled into a normal life. He keeps calling me… I don’t answer or return his calls. I feel guilty and also some responsibility, not for his problems but as a human being. But I just can’t put myself back into that situation again.
I told him a lot of what I did out of fear he’d harm himself, by the way–the continuing threat of that was a big part of the stress and my continuing guilt. Thank you!
Done: Had a similar situation with a hyper-alcoholic college best friend who started into other substances. I was really close with her family, and finally just hit the point where I couldn’t lie for her any more. I let her sister know how bad things really were and the danger that she was putting herself and others in, sister told parents, and friend got hella pissed at me. It took her a few tries, but AA finally clicked for her. She was on the “making amends” step and called to sincerely thank me for being one of the only people to call her on her shit outside of her family. Holy waterworks on both sides, Batman. THAT was when I knew that we could go back. And no, she’s not the same person. She’s a hell of a lot better. We can visit each other for weekends, have a great time, talk regularly, and now it’s a two-way relationship again. The addict and the person aren’t the same thing, even though they occupy the same space. Deal with the person once she’s there, if you still want, but the addict needs to be held accountable and you need to protect your own sanity.
Peter (and Done),
One of the hardest things about being human is dealing with the guilt that comes with correct decisions.
You both were right to cut off contact when you did. Mental illnesses and chemical dependence are like typhoons, storming and raging through lives and leaving a swath of destruction so complete you can’t make yourself believe there was ever a beach there, or a town, or people. You have photos, videos, memories, but it seems like those things can’t hold a candle to the devastation before you, and like nothing will ever be fixed or right again.
Sometimes things can be fixed, sometimes they can’t. But no matter what someone with addiction issues tells you–threats of harm, tales of past abuse, wrong diagnoses–squatting in the middle of the wreckage out of feelings of guilt or obligation never helped anyone. Ever. All it does is drain your resources, emotions, relationships, and mind, until there’s nothing left for you OR them and you’re still sitting in a trash heap.
That doesn’t mean you turn your back on everybody, build a fortress and sit inside singing ME ME ME, ME ME ME the rest of your life. It means that sometimes people will get it together and start rebuilding their town, and some people won’t. And you’ll feel bad. Not because you did anything wrong but because it was a waste and a tragedy, and you’re human.
Feeling good and doing good are not always, or even usually, synonomous. You may have to endure some bitterness of heart because that’s what people have to do, but you don’t have to drink bitternes the rest of your days to prove your loyalty.
@Peter: “I said I didn’t want to be his “crutch” any longer, for either of our sakes, *snip* He keeps calling me… I don’t answer or return his calls. I feel guilty and also some responsibility, not for his problems but as a human being. But I just can’t put myself back into that situation again.”
These exact words could have come out of my own mouth.
Done,
You might also consider checking out a few Narcotics Anonymous meetings. NA doesn’t have a specific support group for the loved ones of addicts a la Al-Anon, but non-addicts are welcome to attend open meetings. If you were at peace with ending the friendship, I wouldn’t suggest it, but a couple of meetings might help you feel better about the choice you made.
“I think all the other lying that she’s done has made me look back on the years and years of her passing out episodes and being in the hospital, and has made me realize that there’s a VERY good probability that at least most of it is just flat-out made up.”
Your letter hit home for me, big time. Long story ahoy: I have a lifelong friend who was suffering from severe psychiatric problems, and instead of treating those, she (and her doctors) treated the manifest physical symptoms. For over ten years, she too ended up in the ER over and over, experiencing intense physical pain of varying types, often with no evident cause.
She had three nervous breakdowns from age 18-28, which all resulted in major upheavals of her life, yet no doctor ever stopped to consider that the root of everything could be psychological. She was on 12 different medications at any given time – hormones, sleep meds, allergy meds, pain pills, and yes, anti-depressants.
In that time, she went through dramatic changes to her body and her personality. She slept all the time, and was angry and antisocial the rest of the time. She lost three jobs in three years. She became the Bizarro World version of my friend. I talked to her many times about her quality of life resulting from her “treatment,” but nothing ever changed.
Eventually, I just cut her off. She was not in my wedding, which I’m sure hurt both of us a lot. I felt intense guilt and grief. I thought about her all the time, but could no longer be friends with this new version of her.
Almost a year ago, she suddenly posted on Facebook. I’d heard nothing from her for months, and couldn’t resist commenting on her happy-sounding post. My phone rang immediately, and it was like my friend had been reborn. She told me that she’d spent the last month in the hospital psych ward. One week in-patient, three weeks all-day out-patient. After not really speaking with her for six weeks, her parents basically broke down the door to her apartment, and found her in a broken state. She’d lost almost 40 pounds, really wasn’t eating or sleeping, and was living in squalor. They brought her immediately to the hospital.
The doctors on the psych ward detoxed her from all her medications, and ultimately prescribed nothing but a half-dose of an anti-depressant, and a quarter-dose of an anti-psychotic (for sleeping purposes). They determined that her mystery stomach/colon problem – which had landed her in the ER five times and led to biopsies and myriad other invasive tests – was actually a result of panic attacks. A year later, she is happy and social again. She looks like herself and acts like herself. She starts a new job in a week.
So while my friend was not a drug addict, per se, she had the characteristics of one. Your BFF may be “making up” her physical symptoms. Or they may be “real,” but a result of her denial of her addiction (i.e., she’s feeling withdrawal symptoms and calling them migraines), and/or physical manifestations of psychological issues, like depression or anxiety.
In the end, you do need to cut yourself off from her. But I hope that you do so understanding that the current incarnation of BFF is not the true one. She’s not herself right now, so you’re shutting the door on that person, but maybe your real friend will come back and knock someday. I hope you will take the time now to tell her that she should call you anytime she’s ready for help, and I really really hope she does.
My brother-in-law is an addict and my husband and I have cut off all ties with him for the past 3 years. We talk about him sometimes, when his parents keep us up to date on his latest heroin shenanigans, and the one thing my husband says about his brother rings true for many addicts.
“I’ll know he’s better when he finally admits the things he has done were wrong, and he asks for my forgiveness.”
BIL has been a lying, stealing, manipulative addict for the past 5 years, and the one thing he has never done is to come to us, umprompted, look us in the eyes, and offer a sincere apology.
To me, the key signature of an addict is selfishness. All BIL ever does is things for himself, talks about himself, thinks about himself, me, me, me, me.
I guess he probably could manipulate us still if he was capable of feigning sorrow, concern, or interest in others, but the heroin pretty much precludes that.
So to Peter and Done, I would look for moments of pure unselfishness in your addict friends; if they can manage that then that is a good sign of recovery.
Kristen: That was my cue. It can happen, but it takes time, and you can’t force them or love them into that place. Unfortunately, it’s a journey that they have to take on their own. It feels so damned good, too, so don’t give up hope for it.
Thanks for clarifying, Done. It’s weird what we can leave out in a distraught state. It’s like: it was crystal clear to you, but didn’t get through to us (or at least to me).
Sounds like time to cut the friend off. If she comes back after some number of years, clear-eyed, together, and apologetic. Then maybe it’s time to re-think. Or not.
I like the other Amanda’s suggestion of a NA meeting or two, as well. Maybe to just help you put things in perspective and move on.
@Amanda – Actually, there is Nar-Anon, it’s just not as widespread as Al-Anon. Sitting in a few Al-Anon meetings wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.
Carrie Ann, your comment made me cry. I am so happy you got your friend back.
Done,
Someone upthread suggested checking out NA meetings, but I’d definitely suggest checking out Al-Anon. It’s open to anyone who has been affected by alcohol or drugs, and it’s an incredible place full of people who know what you are going through and can support you.
@Carrie Ann, I’m so glad for you. I had to break ties with a dear friend due to her psychiatric problems– kept hoping things would get better, and they never did. It still hurts like hell, years later. I still struggle with whether I did the right thing.
I am so glad that it worked out for someone. Like Laura, this made me cry.
How do you know if you’re being BFF?
I suffer from severe depression. I take meds and go to a psychiatrist, but most days are a struggle. I still have my job, my boyfriend, my friends, but I often feel like a HUGE burden on my boyfriend, who’s pretty much my only confidante (besides my therapist). I trust him, but it’s hard to believe when he says he’s OK, that I’m not a burden. How do I know he’s not just guilt-ridden?
I wouldn’t compare the two situations, @Georgia. I mean, everyone is “a burden” to their loved ones in some way, if that’s the axis you choose to put it on, but you are making a more-than-reasonable effort to handle your shit, which in my opinion is completely different from what BFF is doing.
@ Georgia,
you still have your job, your friends, and all that. You’re making an effort to function the way you want to, instead of using “I’m on meds and have health problems” as an excuse not to function. Not to mention (see comments) that you’re not stealing other people’s subscriptions from them.
It sounds like you have a handle on your world, and it’s still open and wide for you. If you’re an addict or have severe problems you’re in denial of, that world becomes smaller and smaller, as you lose support (what is happening to BFF right now).
As for your worry, I sympathize with it. I had that worry for a long time. At some point, what my therapist said of the matter became illuminating: your partner might be a huge moral support, but if he says “no, you’re not a burden to me”, why would he choose to lie? It’s more likely that he views the moral support he gives you as a fair exchange for all the ways you are supportive of him that you don’t even notice because you’re too preoccupied about “keeping score”. When I mentioned that to my husband (yeah, therapy is supposed to be private, but sometimes I can’t help mentioning how meeting with therapist helped me in some way), his response was “I hope that even if you don’t listen to me when I tell you the same thing, you’ll take her comments to heart. She speaks the truth.”.
I did, and ever since I’ve started noticing that I do support him too. I ask him how his day was every day, and I don’t even need to know he’s had a bad day by asking. I just can tell by how he looks when he walks through the door. If he had a bad day, I always tell him that he can talk to me about it if he chooses, and I mean it (unless I’ve had an even more horrible day). A lot of times he chooses to handle his feelings himself (it’s just how he is), but he does feel supported by the mere offer of “you can talk to me about it if you want”.
Hoo boy, did this letter and the comments strike a major chord with me. The addict in my life is my ex-husband, and father of my child. Since our separation over two years ago, I have struggled and struggled with this idea of boundaries, and guilt, and just…all of it. I really relate to just about every story those of you with the same struggle have shared. I don’t have much helpful to add to Done that hasn’t already been said, so I will just reiterate that it is OK to forgive yourself.
And I also wanted to say that Jen S 1.0? Your entire post was inspired and beautifully written, and I’m going to print it out as a mantra to myself when I am once again put in the position of making a choice I’d rather not have to make. Thank you for your wonderful words. They helped me today.
As a total aside, I find it ironic to hear about doctors not considering mental illness or addiction while attempting to diagnose. So often, people seek help for debilitating, REAL disorders that aren’t easily diagnosed, and their doctors write them off as attention-seeking hypochondriacs. (See myalgic encephalomyelitis, aka “chronic fatigue syndrome,” fibromyalgia, chronic Lyme, and Gulf War syndrome, to name a few.)
That said, even if BFF has serious physical problems that are in no way related to her various addictions, said problems don’t excuse lying or stealing. @Done, you already know you’re right to be done. I hope in time you can stop feeling guilty about it.
@Heather, I’m really glad. I was afraid my post might come off as smug or facile, because I’ve been lucky so far that no one I’m close to has had these particular struggles, but it was sincerely meant, and I’m happy it came across that way.
As a child of someone who suffers mental health (and I am still a dependent child!) I know what it’s like to have someone who refuses to help themselves – but I know that Mum’s disease stops her from thinking rationally that she even has a disease.
I think your friend is also similar in that she is buried so deeply beneath this horrid veneer of drug abuse that you have a nigh impossible way of distinguishing the two people – your mate and the addict.
I’m sorry that you had to cut ties with her – you did a lot for her as a great friend, and it’s truly her loss that she couldn’t see all of the help and kindness you were trying to give.
Perhaps she’ll one day come back and thank you. I guess, until then, know that you made a good choice in severing your ties with her. You can only help those who help themselves – and your BFF just doesn’t want to be helped, or so it appears to me.
For all of you who have cared for an addict – my heart goes out to you guys. What a situation.
@Done – you’re a great buddy :).
I was searching through a Facebook group I’ve been in for a million years, looking for an old post, and came across a post where I’d mentioned this letter. I don’t even remember writing this. Jesus.
Yesterday marked 2 years since BFF took her own life. I ended up cutting her off completely for about 6 months. At that point, her younger sister had contacted me, saying BFF really needed a friend right then. I talked to her (mostly through texts) maybe 2-4 times per year. It honestly just became about checking to see if she was still alive. In the final two years of her life, we saw each other in person twice. The final time was about a month before she died. She was a complete shell of her former self. It was heart breaking.
When she died, I felt such guilt. I finally started therapy myself, this past spring. It’s helped. I mourn our younger days, and a life wasted.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope you’re all right.