The Vine: February 8, 2007
Oh, dear God. Her boyfriend needs to CALL HIS LANDLORD, who will
probably want to get an exterminator in there ASAP so that the
bedbugs don’t spread to other apartments. The landlord ought to
cover the cost of this. (Or I would think so — if the expense of
exterminators in rental buildings were entirely up to the tenants,
there’d be bugs everywhere, right?) Why isn’t this guy calling his
landlord? CALL THE LANDLORD.
As for how to avoid bringing them to her house: well, if her
boyfriend’s been dealing with them for several months, she probably
knows what they look like, and will be able to check for them on her
clothing and bags, et cetera. She should have a box of trash bags handy
when she goes back and forth to his place; she should keep her purse/bags, shoes, coat and any miscellaneous clothing in a sealed bag
while she’s there. DON’T leave clothes on the floor or the bed at
his place.
If it’s possible for her to stop at the gym or a public bathroom
somewhere and change clothes after leaving his place, that wouldn’t
hurt — she should put the old clothes in a different plastic bag and
keep them sealed until she does laundry. Or she could just stop in a
bathroom stall and check her clothing over carefully, taking off
items and turning them inside out. The bugs are easier to spot on
lighter-colored clothing and sheets.
If she hasn’t already, she should haul ALL her clothes and linens to
a laundromat and wash them on the hot water cycle. She should also
wash or replace her purse and any bags or luggage she’s taken to his
place. If she has a car, she should vacuum.
If she starts scratching at a bite, it means there is probably a
bedbug on or around her right at the moment, and if she goes over her
clothing or the furniture, she just might find it.
All of this sounds a little nuts, but I’ve heard of people who sit
around stark naked in their hotel rooms to avoid picking up bedbugs,
which seems, well, silly. Keeping your stuff in bags and changing/checking clothing is mostly a precaution.
But first, the guy needs to call his landlord. For fuck’s sake.
A longtime reader
Dear Long,
Thanks for the feedback. Many other readers urged Sleep’s boyfriend to get the landlord involved, and to plastic-bag her stuff when she’s over there. Other recommendations appear below, and as always, if I got them more than once, they’re asterisked.
wash everything in super-hot water, then put it in plastic bags for two weeks *
put everything out in the sun (sunlight kills bedbugs) *
get a full-scale extermination; don’t try to deal with it yourself *
“quarantine” the bed — nothing from the bed should touch anything else, and vice versa
wrap the legs of the bed in plastic or double-sided tape (or slick them with Vaseline) *
get everything up off the floor *
put bedding et cetera in the oven for 20 minutes
put bedding et cetera in the freezer for two weeks
move infested bedding/rugs offsite for two months or throw it away
vacuum the entire house every day; chuck the vacuum bag outside; continue for two months *
boric acid
Gentrol
diatomaceous earth/drione dust (be careful with that stuff) *
get entirely new bedding — new mattress, new box spring, new sheets, the lot
let the boyfriend sleep over while the extermination is going on
mist everything with cold tea
wrap the mattress and box spring in plastic so it’s airtight; leave wrap on for a year
launder everything once a week
www.hsph.harvard.edu/bedbugs/
seal up any cracks in the floor/walls *
Hi Sars,
I have a question for you, and the few people I’ve talked to so far
are completely divided on the issue so I am hoping you can
help.
This past weekend was my high school reunion. The first night
was a mixer at a local bar, and then the second night was the more
formal reunion. At the mixer, one of my best friends, Julie, who is
married, ended up getting very drunk and making out with and groping
on one of her ex-boyfriends. The next morning, Julie called the guy
and asked what happened because the whole night was a haze to her,
and in trying to make her feel better he told her nothing
happened. He then told my friend Lisa as well as his best friend,
who happens to be Julie’s brother-in-law, and Lisa told me with the
stipulation that I never say anything to Julie. So I’m certain that
the four of us know, but from comments made to me at the actual
reunion, I think other people saw Julie as well.
Julie called Lisa and a couple of other friends to see if anyone
heard anything from the night before. Lisa also lied to Julie and
said that nothing went on. I’m having a hard time not telling Julie
what I know. I’m not interested in whether or not she feels the need
to tell her husband, because that is their relationship and none of
my business. My concern is that Julie is thinking that nothing
happened and nobody knows anything when that is not the case at
all.
Should I just confirm what Julie already seems to suspect
(which would also be betraying Lisa’s confidence) so that she can
decide what to do from there, or should I continue with what everyone
else is doing and keep her in the dark? I just think it will be so
much worse for Julie if this comes out later, and her husband finds
out from someone other than her. Considering that her brother-in-law
is one of the people who knows the truth, I think that this is a real
possibility.
I think your normal advice would be to stay out of it, but I know if
the situations were reversed, I would want Julie to tell me. What do
you think?
Thanks for any help,
Are reunions ever good?
Dear Only When There’s No Open Bar,
Well, you have two issues here. The main issue is whether to tell Julie the truth, but then you have a smaller but interrelated issue regarding breaking a promise you made to Lisa.
I can understand why you didn’t, because these conversations can take on a life of their own, sort of, but you probably shouldn’t have agreed to Lisa’s stipulation in the first place, and it wasn’t really reasonable of her to require it. That said, if you do say something to Julie, it puts Lisa in a tough spot — and you in a tough spot with Lisa.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to Julie, though, and that comes down to the same two choices that so often inform situations like this one: which is more important, honesty or kindness. Honesty is the best policy sometimes, but other times, it’s more compassionate to keep your mouth shut, and it’s not about not getting involved so much as it is thinking about what the other person might need or feel.
You say that, in Julie’s position, you’d want to know; I think what you have to do here is think about what Julie herself would want. It seems pretty clear based on what you’ve told me that she 1) does want to know what happened, because she kept asking everyone, and 2) has a sense that something did actually happen. So, decide if it’s the kind thing to be honest, and work from there — and if you do tell her, I would decline to name the source, but at the same time I would alert said source. Just tell Lisa you’re sorry you couldn’t keep your promise, but you didn’t mention her by name.
It’s sticky, and probably nothing is going to “feel right” regardless of what you decide; try not to be too hard on yourself about it.
Dear Sars,
I have a question regarding baby showers and baby registries. This is not an urgent question as I am fairly early on in my pregnancy but yesterday, as my husband was sending off a gift from a fun online baby site for a family member with a new baby, he said, “This would be a fun place for us to register.” At first I thought, “Oh yes, very neat site, fun baby things, oh the cuteness…”
But then I realized, we will not be having a baby shower. It’s not because we are superstitious or anything, we just happen to live in a town far, far away from our family and closest friends and as we will not be visiting anytime soon…well, no shower.
So does one still do a baby registry if there is no baby shower? I assume some people will want to send us baby gifts and I am just wondering what to tell them if they ask, although maybe the obvious answer is to tell them we have no registry and to send whatever they would like. Still, if people really want to send things, I suppose being able to tell them what we need is helpful for both us and them. I don’t know. Do new parents ever end up with five baby monitors (like toasters for newlyweds)?
Anyway, I am just not sure what is appropriate.
Thanks,
Nauseous and tired and this is only the beginning
Dear Tired,
Congratulations! And yes, friends of mine have told me about getting forty-eight pairs of teeny-tiny socks, but: baby socks. SO CUTE.
I would go ahead and put together a registry; people will want to send you stuff once the baby’s born (or once they hear about the impending arrival). Plus, you say you won’t have a shower, but someone might decide to throw you one in spite of you, in which case you can have the registry all ready to go.
You’ll probably want to stock it with stuff that’s less essential — i.e. don’t rely on the registry to supply you with the diaper pails and onesies you’ll need starting out — but if there’s other stuff that you’d like, but isn’t necessary, like mobiles or buntings (hee) or anything like that, you can fill up your wish list with that kind of thing.
But it’s not rude to have a registry, per se. It’s not like you’re passing out cards with the URL on it or anything; it’s perfectly appropriate to do as a just-in-case for friends and family.
Tags: Ask The Readers etiquette friendships roommates
