I’m a mixed-race woman from the Deep South, with a husband from the Northern ‘burbs. When my husband and I got married fourteen years ago, his parents were horrified. They are shallow, nouveau riche white people who always go to college and never learn a damned thing. So I’m speaking from experience when I say to Indigent Girlfriend, memorize this phrase: “It’s none of their/your/my business.” It’s none of her business what the in-laws say behind her back; it’s none of their business how their son chooses to live his life.

It was difficult at first to be civil to people who still use the N-word, who truly believe that poor people are simply lazy, and that their children never really grow up. But I persisted, and I can spend time in their company now without grinding my teeth or puking excessively. If I feel like losing my temper or being rude, I say to myself, “Don’t give them any ammunition, girl.”

And on the rare occasions when they dare to criticize me to my face (the family in Ordinary People could be modeled on them), I put on an expression of polite inquiry and say, “I’m not sure how this concerns you;
could you explain it to me?” Which is a diplomatic way of saying, “It’s none of your fucking business.”

Indigent Girlfriend says, “But the visits will begin soon.” Why? The boyfriend’s parents are not her child’s grandparents. She’s under no obligation to entertain these people. After a disastrous dinner party during which my in-laws brought four extra people, refused to eat the salad because it had pine nuts in it (thought they looked wormy), and said several times how much better the dining room looked without all those junky pictures (heirloom portraits of my Black ancestors, which were out being restored and reframed), they have not been invited back to our house. That was seven years ago.

When we see them, we meet on neutral ground (a restaurant, a park) for a specified amount of time. Some people must be kept at arm’s length, and that’s just the way it is. I don’t even try to restrict my husband’s time with his family; in fact I remind him about birthdays and important occasions. Be polite and practice noblesse oblige.

Indigent Girlfriend cannot make these people like her. They never, ever will and she will break her heart trying. I see my co-sister-in-law trying with all her might to get the in-laws to like her. It doesn’t work; it will never work.

I know this is really long, but could you forward it to Girlfriend? She seems like a sweet, generous person and I hate to see her beating her head bloody against the brick wall that is her boyfriend’s parents.

Sincerely,
Been There With The In-Laws From Heck

I felt compelled to comment on TIGWAIC’s letter because I’ve been in a similar emotional situation for, oh, well-nigh four years now. The dynamics are different because I’m the Nice Jewish Girl that his (similarly dysfunctional, marital-history-wise) parents stereotypically are supposed to want for their precious older son. But, perversely, they didn’t, to the point of demanding that he break up with me and then writing him out of the will when he declined to accept their suggestion (which was fairly amusing, since he isn’t exactly the heir to the family fortune). Our relationship with his parents has been very, very difficult — the first year, they remonstrated against me, which resulted in their neither seeing nor talking to their son very much, because he was pissed off that they were so nasty about someone he loved and showed so little respect for him. The second year, they tried to pretend that I didn’t exist, with similar results. The third year, they treated me like a somewhat undesirable pet that your child loves but that you expect hopefully will die in the near future, and some uneasy peace was reached. And then he asked me to marry him, at which point it finally became clear that the whole try-to-push-your-child-away-from-the-evil-temptress strategy — gasp! — hadn’t worked.

Here’s the thing, though — my fiance never made me feel like I came in second. (He also never told me what they managed to say to him about me, for which I am eternally thankful.) I never would have asked him to choose between his parents and me, but I was grateful (1) that he understood as soon as all the horribleness started that their behavior towards me was also behavior towards him, and (2) that he felt it was his responsibility to let them know that by making the choice to act as they did, they were making the choice to distance themselves from their son.

There’s probably nothing TIGWAIC herself can do to make things better with her boyfriend’s parents. That’s not what they want. And she’s right that they won’t apologize if they don’t see what they are doing as wrong — if they feel that whatever is done out of love for their son can’t be wrong. What will make things better is if TIGWAIC’s boyfriend (1) refuses to listen to shit about his girlfriend; (2) declines to inform her of whatever shit does make it past his immediate condemnation; and (3) identifies for his parents some consequences to their refusal to at least respect his feelings for her. If “making amends” means that TIGWAIC’s boyfriend is avoiding the issue and allowing his parents to think, even for a moment, that their behavior is acceptable, he’s not doing the right thing. I don’t get the impression that the decision to make amends was their decision, and it should be.

Believe me, I know that her boyfriend is in a difficult position — I had the benefit of not being my fiance’s “first truly significant relationship” (and they didn’t like any of them either), so he was prepared (although saddened) to deal with it yet again. But if TIGWAIC’s boyfriend doesn’t deal, it will set a very bad precedent for the future and affect their relationship in unfortunate ways. If TIGWAIC can learn not to care, that’s good, but if she can’t, that’s not her failing. (I never learned, and eventually I decided that this is just the way I’m wired.) At any rate, she shouldn’t be dealing with this on her own (purveyors of excellent online advice notwithstanding).

Sympathetically,
The Non-Evil Temptress Turned Fiancee