Life has not been easy, as it rarely is. I grew up in a little tiny town of about 100 people on the eastern edge of Alaska. Yup, the freezing middle of nowhere. My parents passed away when I was about seven, and I ended up living with my mother’s second husband, Dell. To sum it up, Dell was an abusive, manipulative asshole which the whole town adored. The town grew to hate me because I was always very vocal of exactly what I thought of their hero. After years of beatings and torture, among other things, I left at 17 and never looked back.

Now 21, I have gotten word that Dell is on his deathbed, expected to pass within a week or two. Of course, my first reaction is to simply say another prayer to damn him to hell, but my therapist disagrees. One would think to follow the advice of their therapist, but personally I think she’s an idiot and am currently looking for a new one. Obviously, I don’t want to go. I know a large part of that is a fear of returning to the same vulnerable place I was at when I left. Beyond the physical scars that remain, the years there emotionally destroyed me, and I fear history would repeat itself if I were to return.

What do you think, do I go deal with a town that hates me to say goodbye to a person I wish I’d killed myself? Obviously, I’m extremely angry, bitter, and hurt from those years long ago, do you think this might provide an opportunity to close that door and heal some of that anger? Is my apprehension irrational?

Thank you in advance,
Looking for an early birthday present

A dramatic and long-since-over love situation seems to be running away from “closure.”

I met a seemingly wonderful male classmate and we sparked right away. We began gaming online together for several hours a day. And flirting madly. But, he had a girlfriend of four years. I was unfortunately still living with an abusive ex-boyfriend during this time, and not surprisingly, fell into a horrible depression. I was a mess, and mainly due to my strong feelings for Classmate. I asked Classmate if he wanted “anything [romantic] with me.”

He told me he would if it were an alternate universe and he were single, but that his girlfriend was his priority. He told me it was best we didn’t see each other alone, ever, for fear of hormones taking over. I was disappointed, but I felt better. I was happy to have escaped uncertainty.

We stayed friends (yes, mistake) and soon he started talking about his feelings for me, musing about being married to me in twenty years, me moving in with him immediately, and inviting me over at midnight. Eventually, he confessed he was seriously thinking about leaving his girlfriend. He drug the both of us (his girlfriend and myself) through weeks of “not knowing” and “making a decision.”

I put my ex-boyfriend on a plane home, finally. The next day, Classmate asked Girlfriend for a break. He said it was for the best, that he could be with me, but “not that night.” The next day he said he couldn’t live without her and after a few (in his mind) “closure emails,” never talked to me again. I had been absolutely head over heels for him and was devastated.

The next day, my Very Best Friend who (admittedly) knew knew knew I had absolutely no interest in him and knew knew knew it was the wrong time to ask me out…he asked me out. I felt truly alone and plummeted into extreme depression.

But wait, there’s more.

Eight months later I had “recovered,” and Girlfriend couldn’t have hated me more. Unfortunately, she worked at my school. She told her superiors I was constantly coming into the area where she worked (three times in as many months) to harass her (I’d never talked to her), and asked that I not be allowed in that area of the school anymore. They said okay, but, oops, forgot to tell me about it, and oops, I went in there again. So, Girlfriend told Very Best Friend to tell me that I could get expelled if I went in the lab again. Uh WHAAAAT?!

On top of that, she and/or friends of hers badmouthed me and spread lies and rumors. I lost “friends” over it. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t Evil Other Woman who Classmate couldn’t fight off fast enough. And to please stop lying about me. But I also felt some kind of obligation to tell her The Truth. She never knew he and I spent intimate real-life time together (no sex). Some of the things that she doesn’t know happened are things that I know she’d consider very serious, mainly because she’s been consistently lied to (I know this through a close and dear mutual friend). However, I didn’t feel confident that my motives weren’t really to break them up. So, I kept my mouth shut.

Fast forward to me graduating and moving 1300 miles away for a fantastic job. Right now, I’m planning to marry an absolutely wonderful man who actually loves me the way I am (insert everything that could possibly be good on paper about a man and a relationship, then multiply it by true love). Oh, and I finally think Classmate acted like a total shithead.

I don’t have feelings for him at all anymore and so…my motives aren’t clouded anymore. I’ve “forgiven” both of them, but I can’t seem to shake thinking about this situation from time to time, and I have a strong desire to contact Girlfriend (they are still together). Why can’t I let this go? Should I try to forget it (and how?!) or should she hear The Truth?

Thanks,
Wanting to move on

Please help!

I’m 26 years old, half a semester away from my M.A. in German, and I feel a little bit hopeless in the relationship area. I haven’t really had a long-term relationship in like five years. I’m really starting to feel like there is something horribly wrong with me or if I’m just hideous. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being alone. In fact, I like it most of the time. I like doing what I want, when I want. I don’t need a guy (obviously, or I would have found a solution by now) to feel good, but after five years, I feel as though this is getting ridiculous. It’s gotten to the point that I wonder if I might possibly be gay, although I have seriously given it thought and women just don’t do anything for me.

I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about it, except that there are attractive guys in the program and not one really has paid any attention to me. It’s always my friends they flirt with, my friends who get attention. Everyone likes me, I get invited to all the parties, we have tons of fun. But the guys treat me like a friend or like their sister.

Is it that maybe I don’t dress girly enough? Do I need to be more provocative and strap on some heels (which I refuse to wear because…hello, they hurt!)? I feel like “being myself” isn’t working for me at all, like it’s a bunch of bullshit. I don’t think a guy wants a girl who is low-maintenance. I don’t spend tons of time worrying about what I wear, but do you think that is actually what it is? I’m just not stylish enough? Is it my weight? I’m about 20 pounds overweight. I don’t think I’m hideous…but perhaps I should consider investing in a paper bag. This isn’t a dry spell, it’s the Sahara Desert!

Sincerely,
Ms. Cellophane Shoulda Been My Name Too

I’m in a semi-long distance relationship with a guy
whom I care very deeply about. We’ve been exclusive
for over a year so far, though we “courted” each other
for probably six years before that (even when we were
dating various other people) — I’m only 21, so he’s
been a pretty significant part of my life. The problem
is that something keeps happening when I get to this
point in a relationship: the guys don’t want to kiss
me anymore.

I’m not expecting the heavy make-out
sessions of the first few months; a peck now and then
would satisfy me. I see my guy two or three weekends a
month, so I would expect that in the short time we
have together each time he’d want to kiss at some
point, but no. I’ve very content with the level of
intimacy between us beyond kissing except that the
absence of kissing during other acts is starting to
make me feel cheap.

As I said, this is a pattern with guys that has
bothered me before. Each time I’ve tried to talk to
any of them about it (including the current one) they
get very uncomfortable and brush me off, giving me the
feeling that it’s my fault and they don’t want to tell
me the real reason. My current guy smokes and uses
that as an excuse but I see through it. Can’t he brush
his teeth or chew some gum? Can’t he kiss me before he
smokes his cigarette? I brush my teeth frequently, I
keep my lips smooth, so I wouldn’t think it’s a smell
or touch issue on my part. Random people make moves to
kiss me on occasion (I always refuse of course) and
each boy was very excited about it in the beginning,
so what keeps happening?

You usually tell people to talk about it, but I’ve
tried and each time been shot down. I’ve considered
that maybe I’m too pushy and so I have tried several
times to back off for a while and give him the chance
to make the move, but no move comes. I’ll probably try
that again this weekend when I see him, but I don’t
know what makes me feel worse, having to steal kisses
or having none at all.

I’m not going to leave him over this in the near
future, but it affects my self-esteem and makes me
unhappy. I’m also afraid that it’s just a pattern and
no matter who I’m with I’ll have the same result after
the same amount of time. Does this happen to
everyone? Is it just the guys I’ve been picking so
far? Is there something wrong with me that makes
kissing unattractive?

Sincerely,
Besame Poco

I was hoping you could help out with something, as this is one of those
things I can’t really ask Ma and Pa about, seeing as I’m looking for advice
on how I should come out to them. (And any actual advice columnists in my
particular area would say “Go to Christian reparative therapy, sinner, it’s
not too late!”)

I’m in my last year of Australian secondary schooling and in a fantastically
supportive family. I do not worry about how my family would react to my
coming out in and of itself. I worry that it will shock them to realise
exactly how many “deviant” folk we have in our flock. My parents would be
able to deal with one gay child gracefully, but they might struggle with the
fact that — well, the majority (three quarters) of their children are gay.

Statistically, we’re freaks. I have no idea if this has something to do
with how we were raised or our environment, so I’m not going to say “it’s
just a fluke, how bizarre is that?”, because I’m not 100% sure of that. But
if I don’t say “I’m certain it’s just a weird coincidence,” and manage to
miraculously convince my parents of that, they might blame themselves for
“screwing us up.” (That’s not how I see it, but they very well might.)

I love my parents desperately. I don’t want them hurt by this. Can you
think of anything I could do to make this situation a bit better? Would you
have any advice at all for how we should deal with this when it inevitably
comes up some time in the future?

I’d be really grateful for any advice you’d have, even if it’s “for Christ’s
sake, just tell them you’re a nun!”

Thanks,
Our pink sheep are in the majority