Hang in there, taxable citizens.

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Dear Sars…I suspect this letter is more for your readers’ input than your own, but it’s a topic I need some unbiased and impersonal advice on.

It has to do with drinking, and what’s realistic when someone wants and needs to seriously cut down on their consumption.

A little back story…my father was alcoholic, and on both sides of my family there’s always been a “normalcy” to drinking.Either the German folk drink beer in the evenings while playing cards or watching TV, or the other side of the family found it “normal” to have a few cocktails in the evening to unwind.I didn’t really start drinking until my late 20s, when I started coming out of my shy shell and going out with friends, and then coming out into the gay world, with all the tendencies for abuse that entails.

So anyway, for 15+ years it became common to occasionally binge on the weekend, feel like crap, regret it, not drink for a week or so, repeat, etc.All this with periods of little or no drinking, or periods of more frequent drinking.Friends and partners have told me I drink too much, but it took a breaking point last week, namely a DUI arrest (no accident or injuries thank god) to convince me that I need to make changes.

But what I don’t know is what changes are realistic.In the gay world, my circle of friends, social activities, etc., it seems impractical to give up drinking completely.What I wish could happen ideally is that I get help with come strategies to just control when and how much I allow myself to drink, i.e. only a few beers, and only in social circumstances, never at home alone, and never when expecting to drive, etc.

But I don’t know if this is a practical hope for someone with my history.And I wonder if there are treatment or counseling programs that could help me achieve that, or if all such programs strive for and expect 100% abstinence.Do you or your readers have any insights?

Thanks in advance, love all your advice, and that of your wise readers.

JC

Dear JC,

People drink for a lot of reasons.It sounds to me like you drink to ease a deep anxiety — that, although you feel ashamed of it in some ways (the DUI, of course, but also because you need it, and because you feel like you can’t control it), you also feel that giving it up is not an option for you.

You do a lot of bargaining in your letter, trying to find ways that you can keep drinking, reasons to give me for why you “can’t” or “shouldn’t” stop, and it’s that that suggests to me that you should stop completely.Yeah, you can try to put in all these controls and rules, only drinking beer, only drinking three, whatever it is, but then it’s just clinging to the rules and the policing of the drinking instead of to the drinking itself — and you don’t address why you binge-drink, why you feel like shit, why you put yourself in these positions that you don’t want to be in and yet somehow do.

Now, that doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic.Problem drinking is a spectrum.But: you’re on it, and you won’t know where unless you stop drinking; force yourself to deal with your anxieties, your social discomfort, the divide between your true self and the self the world sees, whatever’s going on; and then decide if drinking is something you can do occasionally (to excess, even; we’re none of us perfect), or something that you use addictively in order to avoid other problems.

Stop drinking for a predetermined period — completely.During that period, go to therapy, and tell your therapist what’s brought you there, that you’ve quit drinking and you want to talk about that, and whatever’s behind that.But don’t keep telling yourself you don’t have to stop, because at least for a while, you really do.

Dear Sars-rhymes-with-cares,

I’ve come to you before and have received sage advice, so I’m back begging for more.This is a huge family drama — but it’s not my family, at least not by blood.I’ll try to condense it to the bare essentials of a rather epic story (all names changed), but I warn you, it’s gonna be long.

I’ve known Sarah, Melly, and Josh (all siblings) since the 7th grade. We were all good friends, especially me, Sarah and Melly, though Melly was my best friend for many years.They come from a very difficult family with parents that had many problems — verbal abuse, infidelity that was flaunted, bitter divorce, lots of emotional manipulation. Melly will tell anyone that she bore the brunt of the damage.

So, years go by, and our circle of friends remained pretty tight, but one by one Melly began to cut off friends and even one of her parents for being “disloyal,” crossing her, and betraying her.The list of people she was no longer speaking to grew and grew, eventually to include one of our closest mutual friends (Allison) and her own sister, Sarah, and for a brief time her brother Josh.

The circumstances around these fallings-out were varied.In the case of our mutual friend Allison, Allison went behind Melly’s back to Melly’s father to betray certain confidences and to disparage Melly’s then boyfriend.It was inappropriate — nobody liked the boyfriend but there was no evidence of abuse or anything dangerous.Melly did not speak to Allison for about 5 years.The situation between her and her siblings was a blow-up of old sibling rivalries and historical grievances that culminated in a huge fight with her siblings ganging up on her and yelling at her for a history of old problems.This all took place on a vacation with another old friend Sienna who was there, and Melly was so angry and hurt that she ended up leaving the group and finding her own way home.

According to Melly this was extremely traumatic and frightening to be in a foreign country and be so betrayed by her own family, though I don’t really remember all the details (keep in mind, she was an adult who had traveled alone abroad before). Within a year or so, Melly felt her brother had apologized abjectly enough times that she started talking to him again.She did not, however, talk to her sister Sarah for many, many years, despite Sarah’s repeated overtures.

Where do I fit in all of this?Well, I heard pretty much all sides of the stories, and while I certainly sympathized with Melly’s anger, I also know the history of her own bad behavior within the family unit. And I really can’t get with the notion of permanently writing off so many people, but if she really, really thought those relationships had become so toxic (as she put it) that it was unhealthy for her to have any contact with them, it’s not really my place to continue to tell her she has to start talking to them again, even if even if I disagreed with was she was doing.

But then!The drama began anew when I was planning, you guessed it, my wedding.I was marrying Andy, who was someone I met through my friendships with Melly and Sarah, and who had been a good friend of both sisters also since the 7th grade.So when I told Melly that we were getting married, I braced myself, because the 3 people I wanted for bridesmaids?Sarah, Allison (remember her, an early dismissal) and Melly.

I realized it was unrealistic since Melly wasn’t speaking to EITHER of them at the time, but I hoped that Melly would consider the possibility of patching things up for that one day.She then asked if Sienna was attending, which she was, and Melly went fairly ballistic at that point.She accused me of being disloyal and didn’t want to come to the wedding at all.I was prepared for this possibility, but was not going to dis-invite three people because of Melly.

I waited a few days and wrote her a letter saying that I understood she still felt hurt (years-not-talking count at that point: Sarah and Sienna 3, Allison about 5), but that I would really like her to be able to attend so she could be there for me and Andy.After all, two of her close friends were getting married.TO EACH OTHER.She eventually relented and attended the wedding, but took my aside at the reception to let me know how uncomfortable she was, and that she made this sacrifice for me. Gee, thanks.

Well, that pretty much ended our close friendship, although I was not put on her official shit list, because she still is cordial to me when we occasionally see each other, and I am cordial to her — even warm, after all she was my best friend for many years.

My husband, on the other hand, basically said he’d had enough of her shit and drama and has no interest in interacting with her — but he’s polite, at least. I loved Melly dearly, and all the parties involved in these dramas have been tight for over 25 years at this point, but now there’s a new wrinkle:

Sarah, the sister, is getting married.She and Melly finally got back on speaking terms fairly recently.Not soon enough, in my opinion, because during the years of blackballing Sarah, Sarah developed a life-threatening illness that nearly killed her and has caused her years of pain, loss of job, hospitalizations, etc.Melly was made aware of this as it was happening and did nothing to renew their relationship.

OK, if you are still with me, here’s the problem:Sarah’s maid of honor is Sienna, whom Melly has never forgiven for her part of whatever the hell happened on that vacation (we are now talking well over 10 years ago).Sienna has been Sarah’s steadfast friend throughout her horrific medical ordeal that lasted years, and they are extremely close.When Melly found out that Sarah was having Sienna at the wedding she hung up on her, and has refused to have any contact with Sarah AT ALL.Total blackout again — will not return emails asking to please talk to her, that Sarah is happy to make some kind of compromise, that she will cancel the wedding altogether if that’s what it takes — just please don’t shut her out again.

Sarah is getting these messages through to Melly through their brother, but Melly has yet to respond at all.The wedding is this summer, and Sarah is so depressed about this — she can’t enjoy any of the preparations because she thinks she might have to call the whole thing off.

Part of me wants to get in my car, drive the 300 miles to Melly, and smack her in the face with a brick.Part of me wants to then drive over to Sarah, give her a hug, and tell her that she should just plan her wedding and the hell with Melly.But Sarah has made it perfectly clear that she lost her sister for years and doesn’t want to lose her again.

There’s a lot you can infer about the character of Melly from all this, but she is complicated and contradictory.On the one hand, her sense of entitlement and astonishing selfishness is astounding.On the other hand, she can be the most remarkably kind, charming, caring person. It’s eerie and inexplicable.She is stunningly beautiful but deeply conflicted about her looks, she’s the first person to jump in to help a stranger, she will listen carefully and sympathetically to a friend in need of help or advice and will provide enormous emotional support for them (as long, of course, as they are not on her shit list), but her utter solipsism regarding any interpersonal conflicts is striking.One thing in support of my brick fantasy?When she found out the Sarah was considering cancelling the wedding rather than not having her sister there, Melly’s response was that it would be terrible because everyone would blame Melly.Not, “Oh, God, I am ruining my sister’s wedding” — it was “Oh, God, people will give me shit about it”.

I love Sarah.She’s one of my best friends.And she has come to me for advice, and the only thing I could tell her was this: give yourself a deadline to hear back from Melly, no more than a week, and then if she still won’t even talk about options, say fuck it and plan your wedding.

Is there ANY other advice you can give me that I can share with the assorted parties involved in this clusterfuck?

Signed,

If you made it through this whole thing I should send YOU a prize

Dear Or Some Gatorade,

Sarah is depressed; Sarah considered cancelling the wedding because of Melly?Melly is eating that shit up with a gravy ladle.And I don’t care if she’s Dale Carnegie (and she ain’t) — she’s not really that complicated, and the extended back story doesn’t tell me that she’s worth it anymore.   It tells me you’ve all spent too much time trying to get sugar out of a stone.

But this is the issue, of course — that I think you’re most of the way there with this concept, but Sarah isn’t, and when it comes to weddings, you want to think everyone you love and who loves you will get it together for that one day, put their assholishness aside to celebrate your happiness, and so on.

But that doesn’t always happen, and Sarah is having to face that — and it’s a process.There’s nothing you can really say that will speed it up for Sarah, besides what you’ve already said; your job now, I think, is to keep her focused on everything else about the wedding that’s happy and positive, and to remind her occasionally, in a kind way, that letting Melly control her feelings and her plans in this regard isn’t an honor Melly has earned.

The other thing is that there’s really only one way to break Melly of this behavior, and that’s to stop responding to it the way you all have in the past — kissing her ass, begging her to forgive you for slights that either you didn’t commit or they happened a president ago.Suggest this to Sarah, that her approach is not effective, and that because Melly has functionally abandoned her already, the worst thing that could happen has…basically already happened.

It’s so hard to let go of someone, even when you know you have to, even when that someone has already let go of you.Especially then, sometimes.The only thing harder is to get someone else to see that it’s time to open her hands.Melly is a dick, but until Sarah gets from “wants that not to be true” to “accepts, nevertheless, that it is,” try to give Sarah perspective on it — that she does have good friends and close family, that she does have a lot to celebrate, and that putting Melly at the center of her wedding, or anywhere near the center of her emotional life, is a mistake that won’t work and shouldn’t be repeated.

Hello Sars,

I hate to over-categorise, but I don’t think anyone I know in a more personal capacity than following their website is Into Baseball.

I’m watching a game, because I’ve always been curious about baseball and enjoyed, with some incomprehension, your posts about it, and for the first time ever I have access to a channel that shows it occasionally.It’s Cubs vs. Houston Astros, and there is so much here that I totally don’t understand.

I think I’m working out most of it by context (I assume the Cubs being up 8-0 in the third up-arrow innings means they’re winning hard, right?) but one thing’s confusing the hell out of me and it seems to be one of those things it’s just assumed anyone who cares will know:

A dude just hit the ball hard and it bounced once in the outfield and went over the fence.The fielders chasing it threw up their hands when it went over the fence and stopped running.But as far as I can tell, the batsman stopped at second base.

If the fielders can’t get the ball, why would the batsman stop running?

And why don’t the commentators ever explain anything?

Cheers,

Ignorant Australian (but I could tell you anything you want to know about cricket)

Dear Ig,

First, unlike in cricket, the batsman is…not called a batsman.He’s the batter.Second, the “third up-arrow inning” is actually the top half of the third inning, which means the visiting team is batting.(And yes, the Cubs were beating some Astro ass, which is not that big of an accomplishment this year from what I understand…Houston fans may rend their clothing in the comments.)

When the ball bounces in the outfield or corner and then out of play, it’s called a ground-rule double.The batter must stop at second base; any men on base must stop two bases from where they started (so if the batter hits a ground-rule double with a runner on first base, the runner has to stop at third).

The rule seems to exist in order to differentiate those hits from home runs, which need to leave the field on the fly.Once the ball goes into the stands by whatever means, it’s functionally irretrievable, but the rules don’t “want” a ball that bounced out of play to have the same value as a homer.A century ago, you’d see more shenanigans on the field — fielders trapping balls in their uniform shirts, then producing them later; cap catches; paying fans in the bleachers to interfere with outfielders — and a lot of rules that might seem arbitrary can be traced to that time.

As to the commentators, it depends on the people calling the game; I find that they tend to over-explain stuff, but it’s hard to explain what’s going on for fans of all levels without boring longtime fans, or missing a play-by-play call because they’re walking the audience through a basic statistic like OBP.

But usually the guys in the booth will say something that will let you Google it and get the basic idea.If not, write in anytime.Heh.

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