The Vine: August 26, 2004
Hi Sars —
My problem: I have been dating a great guy for over four years. He is incredibly loving and sweet. I love spending time with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.
However…
He recently found out that he will be losing his job when his current contract ends. His job requires him to have a certification that he does not have — he has a provisional license. One of the requirements for the provisional license is that he must complete some classes. He has taken no steps to enroll in any of them, thus no renewing the contract. After learning this he met with his supervisor, who would be willing to give him a demotion (with corresponding pay cut). The lower position would involve less hours at work, giving him more time to take the classes he needs. He also spoke with his supervisor’s boss, who is willing to leave the position open for my boyfriend if he finishes all the classes this summer.
Here is the crux of the problem: Last year we discussed getting engaged. I said that I really wanted to, but that I needed to know that he had all his shit together with his certification/job stuff first. He swore up and down that he would. Obviously, not so much. Also, he’s not exactly swimming in cash right now. He is pretty much living hand-to-mouth and that’s with a fairly spartan lifestyle. I pick up well over half of the cost for things that we do, not because I am rolling in it, but because I handle my money well. If he needs to take all of these courses at once, whatever money he has will be gone, thus postponing the purchase of a ring even further.
Sars, I am worried. I never imagined when I met this guy that he would end up being so ambivalent about his work — he was very industrious then. It’s not that I need someone to take care of me, but I am already a little weary of footing the bill for him. It’s only going to get worse between the cost of classes and the possible pay cut if he can’t get everything finished over the summer. Also, I don’t know how much longer I can wait for him to get his act together. I am in my late twenties. I want three or four kids, so I can’t wait until I’m 37 to start. And to compound it all, I am worried that if he doesn’t shape up and I have to leave that I have wasted a lot of time in which to meet someone who IS responsible. Wow, this has ended up being a lot longer that I thought it would. Bottom line: do I cut my losses and cut him loose?
Sign me,
Eyeing the Junk Drawer in Case I Need the Scissors
Dear Junk,
Yeah, I guess you do. He doesn’t do things exactly the way you would, and if what you want is a guy who follows your master plan to the letter, obviously this isn’t the horse to bet.
I hear you that it’s frustrating when people don’t get their shit done, but seriously, you come off a little bossy here. How many kids does he want? What does he want to do with his life — because the certification whatever whatever and the getting engaged? Those sound like your goals, and it’s not that he can’t or doesn’t share them, but the thing is, you can’t be running him and paying for stuff and then sighing all huffy, “You’re not responsible,” because 1) it’s scary-mommy behavior, and you’re his girlfriend, not his mom; and 2) if you want him to be responsible, you pretty much have to…let him be responsible.
Before you make any It’s My Way Or The Highway decisions here, step back and let him figure himself out. It’s his job, not yours; let him handle it. It’s his bank account, not yours; if he can’t afford to go to the movies, don’t go. If you really don’t want to commit to someone who’s less motivated and organized than you, that’s fine — it’s not wrong, and it’s probably a wise move to acknowledge now that you can’t change people and that certain personality traits will drive you bazoo in the longer term.
But you can’t tie the ring to the job like it’s a reward; that’s icky. Getting engaged is supposed to be its own reward, not a sign that one party behaved himself to the satisfaction of the other. Step back and let him live his life. He has a mom. It’s not you.
Hi Sars,
You convinced me: I watched a game a couple weeks ago and it turns out that I do like baseball after all. I like the patter and the crowd shots and the mph gauge at the top of the TV screen, and I really like the rhythm of the game — excited! lull! excited! lull! But now I’ve seen a few games, and I have a lot of questions — questions that I suspect are really stupid, like “Why is Earned Run Average a pitching stat and not, say, a batting stat?” and “What does it mean when people say things like ‘He didn’t have the corners of the plate in his favor’?”
Could you please recommend a resource for the interested initiate other than asking embarrassing questions in bars?
Thank you kindly,
I think you’d call me “Rookie”
Dear Rook,
I don’t know of any books for the recent baseball initiate (perhaps your fellow readers could recommend some); I just read the paper every day and tried to put it together on my own, or I’d ask my dad, so if you have a friend or family member who’s into baseball, ask him or her. Ernie calls me from Staten Island Yankees games to ask questions, so don’t be embarrassed.
But while I’m up…ERA is a pitching stat because it reflects (roughly) runs allowed, not runs created, so it applies to the pitcher/defense, not the batter/offense. I mean, the batter does have various stats that are the flip side of the ERA, like batting average and slugging percentage and on-base percentage, but batters don’t “earn” runs; they make them. (The “earned” part, in case you don’t already know this, refers to how many of the runs allowed “belong to” the pitcher. If the shortstop booted a grounder, that’s an error, and that base “belongs to” him, not the pitcher, so if that run scores, it’s unearned. Walks and hits are earned. Anyway.)
“Didn’t have the corners of the plate in his favor” depends on about whom it’s been said, but it’s usually a reference to how generously the umpires are calling strikes on the corners of the plate — or to the fact that, if a batter is known for having a good eye, the umpire will sort of shade the call in accordance with what the batter thought (you see this happen with Jeter at the plate sometimes, that the pitch actually nipped the corner but Jeter “saw it a ball” so that’s the call he gets).
A lot of this stuff you just pick up from following the game for a while; stick with it, you’ll figure it out.
Hi, Sars. Long-time reader, first-time typer.
Last year I got married to someone that lived overseas. We have not been able to get a visa clearance as of yet, which means we haven’t seen each other in close to a year, but talk to each other every day. We are finally able to see each other again this September, days before our one-year anniversary…and I don’t feel a shred of happiness or excitement.
I can’t seem to feel anything about ANYTHING. For the last few months, I can’t get excited, angry, happy or sad. It’s like my emotional side has taken a vacation. The only thing I DO feel is a little desperate to get my emotions kicking again because I don’t want to be a robot for too much longer.
I’ve talked to my husband about it, but we can’t seem to understand each other and the more we talk about it, the more frustrated he seems to be getting. There’s a lot of silence and he says he thinks it will be better when he’s with me. I’m not so sure.
Also? I’m tired of that answer because it doesn’t help me NOW when I feel like I could cut him out of my life without ever being bothered. The only thing disrupted would be my routine (I could finally sleep earlier than 2 AM) and my phone bill would drop dramatically.
I don’t have negative feelings towards him; I don’t have ANY feelings towards him. It’s just…blank and flat. My parents, my friends, my husband. It’s the same big fat void. Jesus, I don’t even feel happy when I hear a favorite song. It’s creepy.
Everyone keeps saying, “Are you excited? Isn’t this exciting? You must be so excited!” and I force a big stupid grin and tell them absolutely, because I can’t admit to anyone else that I don’t care what happens. I try to inject some sort of emotion into my voice, but I’m struggling.
I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. Should I ask my husband not to come over? Should I see a therapist? Should I be on medication? How do I make myself laugh at rainbows again?
A Robot
Dear Mrs. Roboto,
Yes, you should see a therapist; yes, you should probably be on medication. You have no affect. You don’t care about anything. You haven’t seen your husband in a year, and apparently that arrangement suited both of you just fine — fine enough that neither of you sought to change it, which is, um, weird. Sorry, but it is. Someone should have made an effort there, seems to me. No one did.
Go to a therapist, now, and get yourself sorted out. Don’t worry about your husband coming over or the state of the marriage just yet; all that will fall into place (or out of place, whichever) once you actually start participating in your life again, but until you can have a genuine feeling about something, anything, don’t make any big changes.
Hi Sars,
I don’t eat enough, and I could stand to gain ten pounds, at least. I’ve always been skinny and small-boned, but over the past year I’ve had to buy all new pants because I went down a size, and since I was a size 3 to begin with…
I should stress that I don’t think I have an eating disorder; more like I have disordered eating? Does that make sense? For example, when I feel hungry, I just feel hungry. I don’t automatically associate the feeling with getting off my ass and getting a snack. Sort of like, other people feel hungry and think, “I’d like some steak.” I feel hungry and think, “I feel hungry,” but if it’s not interfering with what I’m doing too much, I tend to ignore it. This problem only manifested itself once I was out on my own; apparently, when it comes to a choice between going hungry and cooking and preparing a meal, I’ll choose hunger (or a soda) about 50 percent of the time. This is pretty clearly not a healthy thing to do. I see eating as a chore, and I’m not very good at doing chores. I procrastinate on going to the grocery store, and cooking, or even just opening the refrigerator.
The other part of the problem is that, once I am eating, I never want very much. It always seems like a normal portion to me, but other people comment on how little I eat at a given meal. A big plate of food, unless it’s something I really, really love, just looks daunting to me. I eat until I tire of eating, and I’ll think I’m full, but I just get hungry again a little while later.
So here’s the upshot of the problem — I wait until I’m really hungry to eat, which makes me feel bad, unable to focus, and worst of all, unwilling to devote energy to food preparation or going to the store. Not to mention the fact that, fresh out of college, I’m pretty broke and can’t buy a lot of the foods I actually enjoy. I don’t have to live off of Ramen or anything but salmon for dinner every week is right out. Also, people constantly remark on how “little” I am as though they were praising me, which makes me kind of upset and confused about this whole thing, since I don’t think I’m looking that well at all, but it’s hard not to like the attention. So most of my motivation to eat better has to come from just me — especially since I don’t feel like I can tell anyone other than my fiance about this without them either branding me an anorexic or blowing me off for being lucky to be so thin.
I don’t want to give the impression that I’m starving to death, because I’m not; I don’t think I’ve lost weight recently (although I should probably buy a scale to keep track of these things) and I’m not passing out at work or anything. I just want to eat healthier and have more energy.
Do you have any suggestions for how I can remember to feed myself before I become ravenous? Have you ever heard of this kind of problem before? I know you’re not a doctor, and maybe I should see one (ugh), but any advice you have would be welcomed.
My Elbows Can Cut Glass
Dear Diamond,
You don’t have to buy salmon steaks to eat healthily. You do, however, have to get into the habit of shopping regularly and doing some food prep in advance so that, when you get hungry, you’re covered.
Buy or borrow a cookbook and look through it for recipe ideas — stuff that you can make a lot of and freeze/save small portions of, or quick snack ideas that don’t take a lot of time to make. Go to the supermarket and stock up on the staples you’ll need to make those things, and on quick snacky things like apples and peanut butter, baby carrots and hummus, pistachios, cheese and crackers, fruit cups, granola bars — things you can keep around for mini-meals. That way, when you feel hungry, you can just grab a banana out of your stocked fruit bowl and not have to worry about making a whole meal. On weekends, make lasagnas and casseroles and stuff and eat them throughout the week; store them in those little Ziploc reusable containers so that you can just grab one off the stack in the fridge, heat it, and have a portion that works for you.
You’ve gotten in the habit of not eating, or eating like crap, and it will take some effort to get out of that, but it’s totally doable; you just have to make that effort. Make shopping lists, go to the store once or twice a week, and keep stuff around that’s healthy and yummy so that it’s not easier to skip meals. Eat lots of little meals a day if that’s what you feel like (apparently the whole three-squares model is outdated anyway), and set yourself a schedule at first if that will force you to do it, but not eating enough is not good for you, and people might coo over how great you look, but…well, we all know how I feel about that shit. Take care of your body first.
[8/26/04]
Tags: boys (and girls) health and beauty
