You seem like an eminently qualified person to ask this question, particularly since I do hang out in the TWoP forums and especially after I read your column on humor and comedians and letting people get their punchline. I like to participate in all kinds of online forums and discussions, but in my spastic desire to communicate my ideas or reactions (I’m a relatively quiet person in face-to-face discussions, and feel like it’s easier to compose my thoughts online than verbally fumble with them), I think I’m overeager and jump in either too early or too often and as a result, then get politely ignored. (Which is better than getting a boot, I guess.)

I genuinely feel bad about this, since I don’t really realize I’m doing it until it’s too late. So, in short, my emotional reaction to this is a fairly unhealthy “well, then I guess I really don’t have much to say anyway” and just go back to lurking, which is a bad habit from being told to shut up in school, blah blah blah.

Any advice on ditching the old dysfunctional bad habits and also learning how not to be an online jerk? I don’t expect there’s some kind of algorithm for teaching someone social skills (not that math is my strong suit), but where should I start? And is there any good to going back to places where I screwed up and offering reparations?

Thanks, and have a slice at Junior’s for me,
Dork and the City

Just drove past Junior’s last night, actually.

I don’t understand what the problem is, exactly — whether you actually offend people or whether you just think you do — but one of the things we occasionally tell people on TWoP might help you: “Think twice, post once.” Compose a response, but then let it sit for a few minutes or an hour before posting it. Make sure you have a sense of where the discussion is going, the tone of the “room.”

But mostly, relax. I mean, “reparations”? It’s an internet bulletin board; unless you barged into a conversation and spewed racial epithets, this isn’t a groveling situation. Have some confidence in your ability to communicate, but if you’re unsure, just keep quiet. In face-to-face interactions, it’s good listeners who are known as sparkling conversationalists; you might want to spend a little less time worrying about how to express yourself non-dorkily, and a little more time actually listening to/reading/getting a sense of the discussion.

Howdy Sars,

I became friends with Donna a couple of years ago. From what I could tell, we enjoyed hanging out with each other. We seem to have a lot in common, a few similar friends, same views, interests, background, et cetera.

Several months ago, I wrote to her a few times to suggest ways to hang out and tackle some chores at the same time, but she turned me down every time. I chalked it up to being a super-busy time of the year, but now wonder if she didn’t want to hang out with me. I have no idea what I might have done, but sometimes I can be a bit of a self-centered turd without realizing it. She never suggesting getting together on a different day or time, so it just kind of makes me wonder if I was being snubbed. Or it could really just be that she was very busy, which would certainly be understandable. I don’t think we’ve had any contact since my attempts to get together this past winter.

I would feel just horrible if we’re both thinking, “Gosh, did I do something to upset the other person?” when things are actually just fine between us. I’m considering inviting her to an after-work gathering next week with other people. But if she turns me down, how can I be sure that she is truly unable to be there or that she doesn’t want to hang out with me? Is there a good way to word the invitation so the answer is clear to me? Or is there a sociable way of bringing up the perceived (?) problem that doesn’t put her on the defensive or make her suck it up and hang out with me even though she doesn’t want to?

Daisy

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Dear Give Me Your Answer Do,

I wouldn’t say that you’re a “self-centered turd,” necessarily…but the fact that you’re obsessing over how to word an invitation to hang out so that it evokes a specific kind of answer? Yeah. A little on the self-absorbed side.

Either she’s too busy, or she doesn’t want to hang out; it’s pretty much that simple. I really don’t think she’s worrying over whether she upset you, and if she is, she should have said something about it by now herself, or made an overture to hang out with you, but she hasn’t, which suggests that…she’s busy, or she doesn’t want to hang out. The why of it doesn’t really matter anyway. The salient point here is that she’s not going to accept your invitations. Stop offering them.

[8/27/04]

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